Should I confess deep feelings to this girl on 3rd "date"?

[spriggan2]

I met this girl recently, which is a miracle because I have massive social anxiety and no friends. We went on a first date which was very awkward because my social personality is about as developed as a GPS system. I also regret about 85% of the things I said on that date, and I assume I came across as a total tool.

 

I would like to just forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my lonely little world where I was coping with each day and steadily improving my life...except, there's one problem...

 

This girl is absolutely phenomenal, in every way I can think of. It's insane. I never once regretted being alone because I never thought someone like this existed, or that someone might be worth putting myself through the nightmare of courtship for. She is beautiful, smart, interesting, nice, we share common interests, have the same minority ethnic background. She is like the female version of my ideal self, the me I wish I could be if I wasn't a total screw up. And what's worse, I can't stop thinking about her every single minute.

 

So, for those of you who dont know what it's like being completely alone, you cope with the discomfort by staying busy with your personal joys. Books, movies, playing music, working out. You dont think about companionship because it will just get you down.

 

However, after meeting this girl, all I have time for now is thoughts about companionship. I have an urge to be with her that's so bad it's making me ill. I can't eat, I get headaches. It's terrible. My experience with this girl has suddenly illuminated the emptiness of my situation, and all the activities I once used to block out the misery, they no longer stimulate me enough to cope. Everything feels flat, except for the torment of being alone, which now creeps into my mind with such power that I'm actually terrified I wont be able to handle it for long. Im no longer passively depressed. I am officially miserable.

 

So this girl...she originally approached me because she thought I was cute, and she knew I was quiet and I think she wanted to give me a chance. However, I feel like the more we hang out, the more I'm blowing it. To start with, she's extremely successful and has built her own wealth. I am just getting going after years of struggle and just landed a few decent jobs. But I don't even own a car...so the financial inequality makes thinks incredibly awkward due to gender role stereotypes, though I have no problem paying for whatever we do.

 

Secondly, in a few months she'll be leaving the city for good to get her MBA...(from freaking Harvard!) And I feel like she might drop her connections with this city, including with me. So I'm thinking this might just be a summer fling for her, which would be horrible to deal with.

 

Finally, my personality is getting in the way. I have issues opening up and relaxing and having fun with people. She's awesome at it of course. I've never cared to even try, however for her I want to make as much of an effort as I can to see what happens. But I'm worried she's already closing the door on my because she's finally understanding out how lame I am at the moment.

 

So I'm wondering...if I do see her again, do you think it's a good idea to mention the effect she's having on me? I was thinking of doing it in one of those playful but serious ways. I'm ok at playing things cool, but I desperately want to tell her exactly how amazing I think she is, I want to apologize for being dull and awkward, and I want to mention how our relationship is beginning to destabilize me. But the question is, is it right to even say any of this so soon? What would be my best approach? I feel like I have to say something because it's been agony keeping it inside.

Edited May 16, 2015 by spriggan2

[Satu]

This is infatuation, or more correctly, Limerence.

Edited May 16, 2015 by Satu

[El Pallasso]

I'm sorry but you have issues that are too numerous to list and you need to sort out.

 

This is pedestalization to the 10th degree.

[spriggan2]

Oh...uh, well... Thanks for sobering me up? This actually helped. I'll just sit in my room here most likely until the end of my days.

[Gary S]

I don't get it... you had three dates and she still wants to see you again? So what's the problem stud?! Sounds like you are doing pretty well.

 

If it an't broke, don't fix it.

[johndoe2]

That's the spirit!

[LostOne1]

Oh...uh, well... Thanks for sobering me up? This actually helped. I'll just sit in my room here most likely until the end of my days.

You want my advice dude...

 

Last week I met a girl online. I talked to her a lot via text and felt she was just like me (the female version). I met her... 1st date went well, we hit it off.

 

2nd date hits... it goes to ****. I slowly start to realize maybe she isn't cracked up to what I thought she'd be like....

 

Moral of the story is you CANNOT know someone in 2-3 dates. The problem is you liked a few things about her and started to idolize her. You created an image of her in your mind and it's driving you crazy and obsessive.

 

How do I know this? Because, I have done this myself. And, it just made things worse off for me. All I can say is KEEP dating. Meet lot's of women and many. Don't worry about if she is perfect for you or not... there is NO WAY you'll know in just a few dates. We date people for years and still might feel uneasy!

 

To break out of being awkward.... practice. Date more, go to more social events force yourself to be in an UNCOMFORTABLE position. That way with time it will become COMFORTABLE....

 

Just my advice, as I used to be a lot like you a few years ago. But I worked on myself and still am!

 

Tonight, I'm going to a social event for anyone to learn salsa dancing. I won't know anyone there, I'm a terrible dancer, and I'm a bit shy and nervous. But guess what...... I'm gonna force myself to go. Because, I'm pretty certain I'll have fun by the end of the night and not regret it.

 

Worst comes to worst, I can say I did something I thought I never could do......

[kendahke]

Oh...uh, well... Thanks for sobering me up? This actually helped. I'll just sit in my room here most likely until the end of my days.

 

 

That's a bit dramatic.

 

Here's the deal: she's going to be out of your life in a few months to carry on with her own life's goals, which she should not put aside for you or anyone else. Enjoy this for what it is and learn from this experience. Don't hang your life and worth on the attention of this one girl... you'll just end up hurting yourself when you discover that she has feet of clay like everyone else.

 

You need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend. You have a whole lot you need to be working on and no woman on earth can save you from yourself. At your age (and I'm guessing you're in your 20's), you should be way more socially developed than you're coming across being, so it would be in your best interests to get a grip on that.

 

You're not where you need to be career wise and financial-wise? Then get cracking on that. You need to be able to support yourself and do for yourself and if you're just working a bunch of dead end jobs thinking that doing that and having no car is going to land you a well balanced woman who is out there earning her way and improving her education, you are either sadly mistaken or delusional. You're already one woman's son: no other woman who is about anything is going to be down for the obligation of supporting a grown man she's not related to by blood or marriage.

 

Instead of pity parties and feeling sorry for yourself, do something constructive about your circumstances--and change them. Be the kind of man a well balanced, successful woman would want in her life. If you just want to play the "oh, poor me, I"m a tool" card, then yeah, you've got some lonely times ahead.

[La.Primavera]

It sounds extremely stressful and difficult. The problem with anxiety and over thinking everything is that you end up sabotaging the thing you want the most.

 

It sounds like you think that unburdening your feelings and anxieties on her will make them go away. Perhaps it will make you feel better temporarily but it won't last. Instead you will realize that you have just landed her will a huge amount of pressure, more than most people could handle when they are just getting to know someone.

 

To go as far as to say it is destabilizing you. How is she supposed to deal with that? You said she is going to Harvard, that in itself is going to be enough pressure to deal with. Why would you want to add to that?

 

Everything you plan to say emphasizes your insecurities. Telling her you want to apologize for being dull and awkward. It sounds like you are deliberately trying to sabotage this. Did it occur to you that she actually enjoys your company but that drawing her attention to your perceived flaws might put her off?

 

I think it is great that you have met someone, but you need to slow down before you spoil it. You are getting carried away. Telling her she is great and that you enjoy her company is one thing but is way too early to be putting so much pressure on her.

 

If you need to unburden these feelings, do it here where it can't backfire on you or speak to a therapist.

 

If you tell her everything you are feeling right now you will push her away. Just spend time getting to know her and try and enjoy yourself, one date at a time.

 

All the best.

[spriggan2]

You're already one woman's son: no other woman who is about anything is going to be down for the obligation of supporting a grown man she's not related to by blood or marriage.

That's nowhere near fair. I can support myself. I have my own apartment and work 48+ hours a week and am pursuing a master's degree of my own. I need like another year before I'd consider myself totally financially comfortable, but in the mean time I'd never let anyone else, man or woman make any contributions to my livelihood. In fact I've paid for both of us for every activity/meal we've had on the dates so far, despite the fact that she makes way more than I do, but I dont care.

 

On top of that...I would never allow someone to even consider reorganizing their career plans for a relationship with me. I know I have issues. I'm a nice guy, I like people, I'm smart but I've had enormous social issues, particularly social anxiety since I've been a child. This is part of why I dont hang out with people. I dont want to put them through the exhaustion of trying to get me to open up. I prefer to be left alone.

 

However the situation is this. She came to me at this point in my life...many people have in the past tried to approach me, some because they felt sorry for me, others because they were curious, others because they thought I was attractive, I can never tell which. Generally they grow bored and move on, and I shrug and get on with my life. But out of all these people, whether they be potential friends or girlfriends, this girl is the only one who has had a destabilizing effect on me.

 

I never develop pedestalization or limerence or whatever with other people in the past, but this one is particularly perplexing and making me miserable. We have so much in common and I feel like I'll never find anyone in the future who might be as compatible with me as she would be if I could just be more relaxed and sociable. So it all just seems very inauspicious.

[RockoJulian]

Dude you sound like you're in a similar situation to me. I recently had a third date with a girl that has really blown me away because she seems to accept me for things that I enjoy and we also have similar interests in common but a lot more than I thought. We are both on the same page and we both really like each other and want to continue seeing each other and if this girl wants to continue seeing you still, then that's really good and you should pursue that no matter what your differences are. And since you are pulling through a different situation than her, then there shouldn't be anything wrong with being honest about how you feel about it. I was really holding away from telling this girl that I recently got out of a break up from a long relationship but I wanted to tell her because I wanted to be honest with her and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable if it came across at an inappropriate time. I told her that I really enjoy spending time with her and that I want to continue seeing her because we both enjoy our company and have fun and make each other laugh. I think pointing out the positives about her and telling her how you feel truly helps.

Edited May 16, 2015 by RockoJulian

[spriggan2]

Instead you will realize that you have just landed her will a huge amount of pressure, more than most people could handle when they are just getting to know someone.

This is exactly my worry. I really haven't wanted to say anything for fear of putting pressure on her or making her feel guilty, but the only reason I've been considering saying it is because I literally can't take it sometimes. It's having such a bad influence on all my work and my well-being, and I have no one else to talk to about it.

 

However after getting all the feedback here I've decided that if we do go on another date (I never even had the courage to ask for her number), I'll focus on trying to loosen up and see if I can actually have fun. I'll forget about confessing anything. I'll lower my expectations and then when she moves in a couple months...god help me.

Edited May 16, 2015 by spriggan2

[spriggan2]

if this girl wants to continue seeing you still, then that's really good and you should pursue that no matter what your differences are.

Thanks. One issue I'm having though is that I can't tell if she actually does want to continue seeing me. I know if I get her number and ask her out again she'd say yes, but at this point I have no idea if she's enjoying or enduring spending time with me. She has a lot of friends, she's sociable with people who know how to have a good time with company. I dont, not yet at least. The best I can do is look like I fit in because somehow, amid all my antisocialism, I learned how to groom and dress classy. And I'll try to open up, which I assume will end comically bad, but I'll try.

 

But then she's gonna have to pick me up from my apartment and stuff in her car. I mean what girl wants to drive a guy around places? Can I really ask her to do that? I just dont think she thought everything through when she approached me. I feel like she's seeing me for what I am now and she'd rather be done with me. Is it even worth calling her up?

[guest569]

Thanks. One issue I'm having though is that I can't tell if she actually does want to continue seeing me. I know if I get her number and ask her out again she'd say yes, but at this point I have no idea if she's enjoying or enduring spending time with me.

 

If she goes out with you, she must be enjoying it, unless you're pointing a gun to her head. Just get her damn number and do it. Realising that it may not be lasting because you hardly know her, (you could just as quickly lose these "feelings") and she is moving away. Unless you hit it off and follow her.Decide whether or not you want to take the risk.

 

To answer your original question, no. Dont tell her about "deep feelings" on a third date. You might want to ask though what she is looking for.

[La.Primavera]

This is exactly my worry. I really haven't wanted to say anything for fear of putting pressure on her or making her feel guilty, but the only reason I've been considering saying it is because I literally can't take it sometimes. It's having such a bad influence on all my work and my well-being, and I have no one else to talk to about it.

 

However after getting all the feedback here I've decided that if we do go on another date (I never even had the courage to ask for her number), I'll focus on trying to loosen up and see if I can actually have fun. I'll forget about confessing anything. I'll lower my expectations and then when she moves in a couple months...god help me.

 

 

You are making the right decision. Just remember this is your problem, not hers. You need to figure out how to cope with this yourself.

 

You can talk to people here or speak to a professional. There are many other people struggling with similar issues or their own inner demons. You are not alone.

[RockoJulian]

Thanks. One issue I'm having though is that I can't tell if she actually does want to continue seeing me. I know if I get her number and ask her out again she'd say yes, but at this point I have no idea if she's enjoying or enduring spending time with me. She has a lot of friends, she's sociable with people who know how to have a good time with company. I dont, not yet at least. The best I can do is look like I fit in because somehow, amid all my antisocialism, I learned how to groom and dress classy. And I'll try to open up, which I assume will end comically bad, but I'll try.

 

But then she's gonna have to pick me up from my apartment and stuff in her car. I mean what girl wants to drive a guy around places? Can I really ask her to do that? I just dont think she thought everything through when she approached me. I feel like she's seeing me for what I am now and she'd rather be done with me. Is it even worth calling her up?

 

Dude you got nothing to lose. Sometimes it's better to put it into a statement like "It'd be really cool to hangout with you sometime". It comes across more as an idea rather than a question. And idk this is just my thought but to me true attraction doesn't come from judgment, it comes naturally, so if she is open to hanging out with you just focus on having fun and make sure to show it. And if it turns into a group of friends thing, just have fun more, and don't be insecure about anything because you want to show her that you are content with who you are with yourself. I mean that's atleast what I had to do, I have big hangups too like struggling with my job as well, I don't have an amazing job and I am planning on going back to school, but my passion for music really shows out when I perform so that helps me as well.

Edited May 16, 2015 by RockoJulian

[guest569]

Never confess feelings to a girl after the 3rd date. In fact, as a rule, I don't confess feelings, ever. Let the woman tell you she has feelings.

 

I'd rather a man show his feelings, just not that early on. If he aint confessing any feelings I will be out of there!

[ExpatInItaly]

As the others have advised, do not tell her how much this is destabilizing you. That will likely scare her right off. You need to either post here about it or speak to a professional. The level of anxiety you are experiencing isn't healthy (as you already know) and it is extremely unfair to unload that on to her.

 

She enjoys your company. If you don't feel emotionally healthy enough to continue enjoying hers too, let it go.

[Redhead14]

I met this girl recently, which is a miracle because I have massive social anxiety and no friends. We went on a first date which was very awkward because my social personality is about as developed as a GPS system. I also regret about 85% of the things I said on that date, and I assume I came across as a total tool.

 

I would like to just forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my lonely little world where I was coping with each day and steadily improving my life...except, there's one problem...

 

This girl is absolutely phenomenal, in every way I can think of. It's insane. I never once regretted being alone because I never thought someone like this existed, or that someone might be worth putting myself through the nightmare of courtship for. She is beautiful, smart, interesting, nice, we share common interests, have the same minority ethnic background. She is like the female version of my ideal self, the me I wish I could be if I wasn't a total screw up. And what's worse, I can't stop thinking about her every single minute.

 

So, for those of you who dont know what it's like being completely alone, you cope with the discomfort by staying busy with your personal joys. Books, movies, playing music, working out. You dont think about companionship because it will just get you down.

 

However, after meeting this girl, all I have time for now is thoughts about companionship. I have an urge to be with her that's so bad it's making me ill. I can't eat, I get headaches. It's terrible. My experience with this girl has suddenly illuminated the emptiness of my situation, and all the activities I once used to block out the misery, they no longer stimulate me enough to cope. Everything feels flat, except for the torment of being alone, which now creeps into my mind with such power that I'm actually terrified I wont be able to handle it for long. Im no longer passively depressed. I am officially miserable.

 

So this girl...she originally approached me because she thought I was cute, and she knew I was quiet and I think she wanted to give me a chance. However, I feel like the more we hang out, the more I'm blowing it. To start with, she's extremely successful and has built her own wealth. I am just getting going after years of struggle and just landed a few decent jobs. But I don't even own a car...so the financial inequality makes thinks incredibly awkward due to gender role stereotypes, though I have no problem paying for whatever we do.

 

Secondly, in a few months she'll be leaving the city for good to get her MBA...(from freaking Harvard!) And I feel like she might drop her connections with this city, including with me. So I'm thinking this might just be a summer fling for her, which would be horrible to deal with.

 

Finally, my personality is getting in the way. I have issues opening up and relaxing and having fun with people. She's awesome at it of course. I've never cared to even try, however for her I want to make as much of an effort as I can to see what happens. But I'm worried she's already closing the door on my because she's finally understanding out how lame I am at the moment.

 

So I'm wondering...if I do see her again, do you think it's a good idea to mention the effect she's having on me? I was thinking of doing it in one of those playful but serious ways. I'm ok at playing things cool, but I desperately want to tell her exactly how amazing I think she is, I want to apologize for being dull and awkward, and I want to mention how our relationship is beginning to destabilize me. But the question is, is it right to even say any of this so soon? What would be my best approach? I feel like I have to say something because it's been agony keeping it inside.

 

For your own sake, you should tone it down a little. It's very early in this dating scenario. Given your social anxiety and and the "high" you are riding, it is important for you to manage your emotions and expectations for a while. What you are feeling right now is an endorphin high, which is great and you should enjoy it, just keep in mind that you don't really know her yet and so things might not work out. Dating is a process not an event. You go through the process of getting to know someone but keep in mind that there may be things about her that come to light as you go through it that don't work for either of you.

 

Make sure fairly early on that the two of you are on the same page for what you are looking for out of your dating journey. Does she want a relationship with someone or just casual. It may not be you yet, she won't know for sure yet. But if she wants that as a possibility and you do to, that's a good start. But if you want a relationship for yourself at some point and she doesn't, it would be best to stop dating each other. You need to want the same thing to start with.

 

If you see her again, just let her know that you enjoy spending time with her and that's she's attractive, but don't go overboard. Don't confess "feelings" for her because it may cause her to feel uncomfortable and back away.

 

Take it in stages. First two months of steady dating just to know her better. Third month, if you two want to be intimate, you ask for exclusivity. And make sure you each understand what exclusivity means. Some people feel that exclusivity means boyfriend and girlfriend. Some people feel that exclusivity means you are only intimate with each other while dating others without intimacy and until they want to be intimate with one of those dating partners. At which time, you part ways with the first partner.

 

If you two become intimate in the first couple of months, you may want to discuss exclusivity at that point.

 

Just take it one date at a time for a while. Don't project too far out to the future. At the end of each date, you schedule another with her or tell her you will call her to set up another. Enjoy the time with her and focus on the dates you have. Make sure you are consistent with calling her between dates, but not too often. You don't want to smother her

 

Have a great time with her!

[spriggan2]

Thank you very much, Redhead14. This seems like very good advice and it makes me feel a lot better.

[preraph]

By no means should you unload how astounded you are that she likes you. No one wants someone who is that desperate. You got lucky. Keep your s**t together and just take her out and try to be entertaining and no confessions or telling her how much of a stretch this is for you. Try to just learn to relax and enjoy.