broken

[TheChesireCat]

hello, i am new and i am just looking for some advice but also some understanding. I havent actually had a proper relationship before, and to be honest i dont think that this is counted as one since all he seems interested in is the sex.

 

I met this guy at college/university and i really liked his personality but he seemed to be more interested in making out with me rather than anything else but i didnt have much experience and i didnt want to mess something up like i have done before. we messaged each other more than see each other on campus (and i did suggest that we meet up for a coffee etc) as he was studing for his phd. I genuinely liked him. I didnt love him but i really was liking him. i think one strike came when i asked him if he wanted to see a movie that i knew that we both liked the genre but he had a party the night before, got wasted and replied back how sorry he was. So i saw the film with friends instead. After that there were no more mentions of doing other things...except sex. Which he also kicked me out or left me afterwards. And when i asked, he would make up an excuse.

 

I guess that im too stupid. I made allowances since phd. And i didnt wan t to be klingy.

 

My heart broke the month of my birthday. I heard nothing from him at all. and then steeling myself i asked him what was going on. He had an excuse that at that time i thought was plausible. Busy with a lot.

 

 

So i forgave him. I forgive quite easily. I trust easily too but now i dont think i will Ever again.

 

I had a few difficulties over the summer -- i like to mention that i live out of term time abroad but its only 2 hours away by flight. He has always had an open offer to visit.

 

He contacted me again in march. The typical flirty i want sex messages but i cant find it in me to forgive him. over the summer he has been seeing this girl. Where he met her i dont know but they seem very close. So close that he went last week to south america which is a lot longer flight time than visiting here and he is going to do it all again in july.

 

I dont really know how to deal with this. I gave the most intimate parts of me that nobody has had before. I trusted him not to break me, and despite him promising not to hurt me he has. Twice. Thrice. Many times. I feel sick. I know i shouldnt even give him much thought but he is still sending me messages and my integrity does not wish to be the other meat on the side, because that is what i am. I didnt mean anything to him, and i dont know what i should do. I keep telling myself that i dont care. I keep trying to harden my heart but i dont think its working.

 

I guess its a valuable lesson thats been learnt. i guess even if you sleep with them, they still ditch you even when you dont.

 

I dont really have anyone to talk to about this. Embarrassed. And i scared of further rejection.

 

 

thanks for listening.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. Look, I'm an old woman now, but even by the time I was in my late 20s, I was able to look back on college days as a time when men literally had nothing on their minds but sex. It's the age group AND the environment. Men have a real hard time focusing on one girl amid a whole sea of women they encounter every day.

 

This guy is certainly not focused on you. He doesn't care about you. He did use you. Maybe he didn't know you well enough to know that wasn't a nice thing to do, I don't know. We all have to make our own mistakes and learn the hard way, I guess, but if you really don't want further heartbreak with this guy, please just do yourself a favor and stop even talking to him. He expected you wouldn't be happy with him doing a disappearing act, but now you're trying to crawl back to him. The cold hard fact is that a whole lot of guys, this is their ideal situation: A girl who already knows she can't count on him and that he's going to see other women but will still sleep with him. He will have NO respect for you as a person if you keep doing that. He is never going to suddenly be capable of loving you. He has got at least a few years ahead of him to play first. And honestly, that's normal at his age, but it's not nice that he isn't being straightforward and a gentleman about it.

 

So you have a not very nice guy here, a guy who isn't capable of deep faithful love anytime soon. Maybe never. Some guys never grow up and just don't have it in them.

 

Next time you are interested in someone, I know it's old fashioned and it didn't have to be that way in my youth because everyone was on the pill and there were no diseases, but if all you want is real love, just about the only way to assure a young man isn't just getting sex is to not give them sex. I recently started a thread on this forum asking men just that, Gentlemen, if you were a woman, how would you be sure someone isn't just using you for sex. There were great responses, and the most common was hold out and don't have sex for 2-3 months. If a guy is just looking to play, he'll move on before then. If a guy will continue to take you out and spend time and get to know you for 2-3 months without sex (OR you getting him off with bjs, which for most men are preferable to intercourse), then he's really a boyfriend.

 

I know you're sad, but you didn't lose a good guy. You lost a guy with no feelings. All you really lost her is your naivety, and that's an unfortunate part of growing up.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak OP.

 

And I know it's not going to sound very comforting telling you that we've all been here at one point or another.

 

You seem to have a fairly clear view on this situation but my fear is that you're going to continue setting aside your dignity and good judgement in the hopes he'll become the man you want him to be.

 

I'm here to tell you that he won't. The writing is on the wall with this guy and it's crystal clear that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for him.

 

And since there was never talk of exclusivity or a any kind of relationship, he owed you nothing.

 

A hard lesson to learn indeed.

 

The good news is that you have the power to change things. It's never too late. Don't continue to give yourself over to someone who clearly doesn't deserve you. This may be a good time to learn the importance of being discerning.

 

Good luck.

[TheChesireCat]

I have a friend. This guy who has constanly been there for me but i dont think i can trust to take it further. Since its clearly my fault. I am clearly not mature enough.

 

I dont think that i will be able to trust properly again. I dont want another repeat. To have that trust violatedby some douche who couldt even be bothered to respect me.

 

She is more thsn welcome to him. I am ignoring deleted all from him. If i see him on campus, i will walk on and ignore him. Even though i burn with anger.

 

I am hurt but i am also angry. Angry at him. Angry at myself. I thought that i was more intelligent than that. Even worse that makes me a hypocrite.

 

And thank you for the replies.

Edited May 15, 2015 by TheChesireCat
adding thanks

[Michelle ma Belle]

I understand your pain and anger but you must realize that this will be the first of many to come. Having your heart broken, making mistakes, putting your trust in the wrong people, etc, is all part of life and love.

 

It's hard to see past all the anger and bitterness right now but it will pass and there will come a day when another opportunity presents itself to you.

 

The best advice I can give you moving forward is no sex before monogamy. Seriously. Unless you're fine with banging strangers and not getting emotionally invested in any of them, more power to you but it doesn't sound like that's your style therefore it's important to set some boundaries for yourself so as not to repeat this experience.

 

Sex is such an easy commodity anymore. And if you're not careful it can be easily squandered and exploited. It's also important to remember that sex doesn't equal love or even like for that matter. Sex is just sex particularly for young people who are still so busy sowing their oats and exploring their own sexuality before family and/or societal pressures remind them it's time to get married and start a family.

 

Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Allow time to work through the anger and hurt and pain and then be done with it. Move on from there and know that you're becoming a better version of yourself.

 

[TheChesireCat]

Im sorry, just a little bit hurt right now.

probably in time things will work out or go to pot again.

 

Just dont really have an outlet for all of this.

 

thank you again for your reply.

[Penguin_hugs]

Hi there

 

I'm sorry to hear of your story. I agree that it's time to move on and try and avoid this guy.

 

As Michelle said- no sex before monogamy is a good idea. It stops you getting hurt and weeds out those who are only in it for sex. Don't waste your time or your heart on people who aren't worth it.

 

Something caught my eye in the post when you stated that you made allowances because of his PhD. Do you mean that he didn't have to contact you because he was busy or that he was worth being messed around by because he was of a "higher calibre"?

 

If it's the 2nd option- don't let anyone mess you around because of their status. I know it's attractive if you are a sapiophile (like myself), but it doesn't give them any rights to treat you badly.

 

I met my BF online and he was finishing a PhD at the time (he's a post doc now) and yes it was attractive- but he's still an everyday person, and not necessarily as world savvy. Even he admitted that when he added that he was a PhD student to his OLD profile he got more messages. So people can use that to their advantage.

[TheChesireCat]

Oh no. I would make allowances because he was in a demanding phd (sciences) and thought as he claimed to have been, very busy. I was only a final year undergrad at the time, and was a little busy myself but not as much as he claimed. I just trusted him, too much apparently. I did not like him because of his phd. I liked him. Or i thought i did.

 

I realised that there are many others who date with various degree levels, they maketime for each other. So he wasnt that busy. Itwas just an excuse. he didnt really care about me. He used me. Betrayed my trust. And i stupidly allowed him to. I feel dirty. i despise myself. Thats probably a normal response.

Edited May 15, 2015 by TheChesireCat
edited further for clarity

[Penguin_hugs]

Ah ok. I can agree that the end of a sciences PhD is crazy (my BF has a physics PhD- I saw him 3 times in the 3 months leading up to handing in!) But it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you- particularly the messages asking for sex and that he saw someone else.

 

He didn't see the 2 of you as a relationship- so you were used. Try not to think of the "what if's and whys" now. If he messages you again- reply once saying that you are no longer interested and would appreciate if he didn't contact you again regarding hook ups and ignore everything else.

 

Take some time out to heal and you'll come back stronger Ensure that the next person you date is more deserving and is committed to a relationship with you

[preraph]

Don't beat yourself up. You're not psychic. We all have to learn the hard way. People can tell us and warn us, but when we're young and idealistic , we want to believe there's something magical about to happen and that whatever problems others had won't apply to use because you think this is going to be true love with happy endings. It's a sad thing when that idealism is finally destroyed by douches, but it is a part of life. The one thing that is true about fairytales is you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. So don't give up. Just know the red flags to look for in the future. Believe actions over words. Bail at the first lie or the first evasion. Good luck.

[spriggan2]

Hopefully time will help you get over this. But if you know he's gone for good, my advice is to start getting on with your life. Like try not to think about him and force yourself to concentrate on your work. Do things that will absorb your mind and get into a groove that doesn't make you idle. Ive found its those idle daydreaming moments that are the most painful.

 

It's fine if you're not ready to date again, but just fill hours with something productive. Hopefully soon things will get better. Try to have fun with friends.