mercuryrising Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Hi! I'm just looking for feedback on this situation as I thought an outside perspective would be helpful... This is about my relationship with the ex-boyfriend who was my first love, as it's still on my mind... We met when we were 17 and 19, and dated for 4.5 years all through college and beyond... Lived together for the last 2 years... We were each other's first kiss, first sex, first everything... I know it meant a lot to him as well as me, we were very close and emotionally intimate... But there were the usual conflicts, and being young and inexperienced, I think our conflict resolution skills were not very good. I had a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood (my dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and my mom recently got a divorce from him after 25 years)... I've worked many of those issues out in very positive ways in the past year though... It took me a long time, but I finally made it. Anyway, when I left the country (late 2003) due to visa issues, we hadn't broken up, we were just at an ambiguous stage with lots of mixed feelings. I thought giving him space and giving myself room to grow would be good for us, which is why I went abroad for a year before coming back as a grad student last Fall (different location than where he is)... We had been in close email contact (daily) till at least April 2004, and he would tell me he loved and missed me... Then we lost contact (due to my family situation) for 3 months in the summer... In August when I moved back to the states, he seemed to have moved on from me and told me about these 2 other girls he'd liked over the summer but they didn't work out for various reasons... Since then he's had an interest in 2 other women at the university he's at... 4 women in 1 year just seems like a lot to me, but at the same time, I've always respected his feelings about them... I went to visit him in January for a week though and there was confusion... He seemed happy to see me (we'd been talking on the phone in Fall 2004, really friendly and happy conversations, partly because I've really changed a lot in positive ways and we don't have the same kinds of conflicts as before)... He rented a car to take me places, bought all my favorite foods and cds that I would like, and we hung out and seemed to get along very well (though I could tell he was stressed out about other things in his life)... We would talk and share stories and laugh... Then he started sleeping in the same bed with me, no sex, but definitely lots of sexual tension! And we would cuddle and hold each other... When I put my arms around him, he would pull me in closer and hold me there.... or he'd reach out and touch me or tickle me while passing if I was just reading or something... Once, when I was talking about my parents and started crying, he took me in his arms and held me really tenderly for a long time and stroked my hair softly and it seemed really loving to me... Well he was initiating most of this and I didn't say anything at first... At the same time, he was in touch with one of the women he liked (she doesn't like him back though, except as a friend) and felt deeply conflicted about her too... So one night he got very uncomfortable and backed off completely and said he hoped I wasn't getting the wrong idea about getting back together, and that he couldn't see that happening for now and even though I'd been very nice lately he couldn't trust that those changes were "real"... He kept saying he couldn't "go back to the past" (i.e. our fights)... I didn't think it was fair since nothng like that had happened recently and he even admitted that was true, but I stayed calm and open to what he was saying anyway... I think the fact that I didn't get upset and listened to him instead allowed him to be comfortable again and on the day I was leaving he put his arms around me and told me he appreciated my support very much and he did care about me a lot... I said I felt the same way and I wished him lots of love and happiness in his life... and that was it. He seemed really moody and conflicted that whole day and lost in his thoughts a lot. He told me he wanted to just "get away from the world" and not deal with people for a long long time... So that's how we parted the second time. Now, I can't understand this confusing behavior and it put me through some emotional turmoil temporarily... We haven't been in contact much since Jan. (I said I couldn't handle it for some time). I'm happy with my life right now but I do wonder about all this... He just means a lot to me, not in a superficial way, but as someone I know well and love dearly... I just feel like he's still young and expects relationships to be "perfect" and that problems aren't worth working on... sigh... It's hard to just let it trail off with such mixed feelings... It's clear to me that I still have a strong emotional impact on him... He admits he cares about me a lot and is attracted to me... but then there's all this baggage he can't seem to get past right now... Knowing that, I really don't know whether it's good to continue "no contact" or else keep up friendly occasional contact like before and see where life takes each of us in the years to come... I just HAD to put all this out there... See if anyone has thoughts, opinions, or related experiences that would put things in perspective for me... I'd really appreciate your input - thanks!
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