New boyfriend ignoring after fight

[Kkw99]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so I apologize if this is in the wrong category, I just need some advice badly!

 

I recently starting dating my best friend, after we both confessed our crushes for eachother. He is a very down to earth, calm guy, he's been there for me during a really bad breakup with an abusive ex, and we have a really good connection. He went on a trip and we got into an argument and now he hasn't responded for a couple of days. He was being a bit rude to me and I called him out on it, and he basically called me out on being off with him lately. I wrote back a long text apologizing genuinely. He didn't respond. The next day (yesterday) I wrote again another message apologizing and telling him how grateful I was for him, that I care a lot about him and never would want to hurt him etc nothing in reply. I don't know what to do, I want to give him space but our fight wasn't even that big, and I basically took the blame/was the bigger person in apologizing even though I felt he was over reacting (I didn't tell him that though). He isn't the type to ignore, like he's blunt and we are good friends as well so I just don't know. I hate fighting and he knows that. I feel really guilty if I hurt him but also angry at him for not responding and I want to wait until he replies but I hate these type of games and I'm scared he is going to break up with me. He's not a big texter at all but he's kept contact with me every day of his trip up until the argument (which was only one text from him saying how he felt, then me apologizing and so on). I didn't think this argument was anything big, not big enough to need 3 days of space, that's for sure. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am also his first relationship, first crush, kiss, everything if that helps.

[Penguin_hugs]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so I apologize if this is in the wrong category, I just need some advice badly!

 

I recently starting dating my best friend, after we both confessed our crushes for eachother. He is a very down to earth, calm guy, he's been there for me during a really bad breakup with an abusive ex, and we have a really good connection. He went on a trip and we got into an argument and now he hasn't responded for a couple of days. He was being a bit rude to me and I called him out on it, and he basically called me out on being off with him lately. I wrote back a long text apologizing genuinely. He didn't respond. The next day (yesterday) I wrote again another message apologizing and telling him how grateful I was for him, that I care a lot about him and never would want to hurt him etc nothing in reply. I don't know what to do, I want to give him space but our fight wasn't even that big, and I basically took the blame/was the bigger person in apologizing even though I felt he was over reacting (I didn't tell him that though). He isn't the type to ignore, like he's blunt and we are good friends as well so I just don't know. I hate fighting and he knows that. I feel really guilty if I hurt him but also angry at him for not responding and I want to wait until he replies but I hate these type of games and I'm scared he is going to break up with me. He's not a big texter at all but he's kept contact with me every day of his trip up until the argument (which was only one text from him saying how he felt, then me apologizing and so on). I didn't think this argument was anything big, not big enough to need 3 days of space, that's for sure. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am also his first relationship, first crush, kiss, everything if that helps.

 

Hi there

 

Was this an argument by text or over the phone? Because texting is a notoriously bad form of communication to express feelings!

 

I think you need to stop with the texting- a text apology isn't that sincere. Phone him up to chat or ask to see him in person to talk about things properly.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think friends should just stay friends.... just in and already, so much drama....!

 

This is called being passive/aggressive.

 

And if this is how he is forever going to deal with minor relationship skirmishes, maybe friendship is the better option....

[Satu]

I hope your argument was about something of importance.

 

There aren't very many things that are really worth fighting about.

 

Arguing over trivial matters is stupid and unnecessary,

 

Don't.

[Kkw99]

Hi there

 

Was this an argument by text or over the phone? Because texting is a notoriously bad form of communication to express feelings!

 

I think you need to stop with the texting- a text apology isn't that sincere. Phone him up to chat or ask to see him in person to talk about things properly.

 

It was over text. I can't call him because of long distance, so texting is our only way to go right now. I'd ask to see him in person but because he's on his trip right now that's not an option either.

 

It's this silence that's worrying me. I don't know if he wants to break up, needs space, or if he just is "over it" and is fine... Him and I are very different but I just have no idea if this is "normal" behaviour.

[Kkw99]

I think friends should just stay friends.... just in and already, so much drama....!

 

This is called being passive/aggressive.

 

And if this is how he is forever going to deal with minor relationship skirmishes, maybe friendship is the better option....

 

That's the thing, him and I aren't people that like drama/fights and ive never seen him act passive aggressive or anything other than "let's just talk this through" so this whole not talking thing is so confusing... It's not like him to be like this at all.

[Satu]

*I just have no idea if this is "normal" behaviour.

 

Whats 'normal,' is a matter of opinion.

 

Your argument seems to have hit him pretty hard, if he's decided to ignore you.

 

What was the argument about?

[Kkw99]

Whats 'normal,' is a matter of opinion.

 

Your argument seems to have hit him pretty hard, if he's decided to ignore you.

 

What was the argument about?

 

I had asked him to dress a bit nicer to meet my mother, (a bit ago) but what sparked the argument was he made a comment saying he wouldnt eat my food because it doesn't look appealing to him, I replied saying he could be a bit nicer, and he said he wasn't going to change for me, and that I was trying to change him by asking him to dress nicer for my mother and how he talks (me saying "you could be a bit nicer". I told him I never wanted to make him feel as if I was trying to change him, that I like him for who he is and that I just meant I wanted a bit more romantic effort on his part, but I know I am his first girlfriend. And my text after that, the following day I told him again I never would want to change him and that I am sorry for making him feel like that, that I was grateful for him in my life, and that I felt really bad.

 

I do feel really bad and I expressed that, but I don't feel as if him ignoring me for this long is necessary, I had no idea he felt I was trying to change him and I told him that, and that I would be more mindful.

[preraph]

If you feel like he was at fault, then I don't know why you are apologizing, and that makes you look desperate. If he is the kind of guy who likes a woman who comes begging, especially knowing he's in the wrong, well, you just set up a very unhealthy dynamic there. If he doesn't respond, you plan your day and plan your week without him and get busy doing other things. He's probably having second thoughts about banging his friend, which rarely works out. He was probably always curious what it would be like but now might realize that's really all he was curious about. But you won't know unless he talks to you, which you can't make him to. I just think you should stop focusing on him and go do other things and not be readily available when he finally decides to grant you the honor of talking to him.

[Gaeta]

Being friends with me and dating me is 2 completely different deal. You've known him as a friend so far now you see the boyfriend potential in him and it's not impressive.

 

If he's never been in a relationship then show him passive agressiveness is not an option. STOP texting and apologizing and let him slowly simmer on the back burner. As soon as you withdraw he will get back to you because passive aggressiveness is all about getting attention, so stop giving it to him.

 

If he breaks up then he breaks up. If it's all it took for him to put an end to your relationship then might as well end it now and find someone more mature with better communication skills.

[smackie9]

Dating and being friends are two different animals, and adjusting to being a couple can clash. This is why dating friends can fail....your expectations of each other change and it can get real frustrating.

 

IMO he isn't ready to date anyone yet. He needs to work on his communication and coping skills.

 

 

 

Please don't take any blame for his behavior, he is being immature for just blocking you out like that....he's manipulating you, by making you feel like a jerk, when he is the one being a jerk.

 

This is a big red flag, and you just might be better off being friends, so you don'thave to put up with his childish bull s hit.

[SunnySide0418]

He sounds incredibly immature.

[Kkw99]

Being friends with me and dating me is 2 completely different deal. You've known him as a friend so far now you see the boyfriend potential in him and it's not impressive.

 

If he's never been in a relationship then show him passive agressiveness is not an option. STOP texting and apologizing and let him slowly simmer on the back burner. As soon as you withdraw he will get back to you because passive aggressiveness is all about getting attention, so stop giving it to him.

 

If he breaks up then he breaks up. If it's all it took for him to put an end to your relationship then might as well end it now and find someone more mature with better communication skills.

 

Thank you every one for the responses!

 

He hasn't been in a relationship before, he's very inexperienced (I was his first kiss, and he's 21) so I've been trying to be more lenient/not expect him to know how a relationship works/what is expected, but he must know that this isn't okay. I honestly never thought he would act like this... It feels like he's a totally different person from what I know. But as you and a lot of others said relationship and friendship is different. I just didn't think he would be this different :/

[Gary S]

He's gone into his cave. Read the book Men are From mars, Women From Venus.

 

Give him space for a week or two, or three, then contact him again.

[TaraMaiden2]

He's gone into his cave. Read the book Men are From mars, Women From Venus.

 

Give him space for a week or two, or three, then contact him again.

 

<insert instead> ...'and guaranteed he will contact you because he wants the attention.'

 

That's the whole MO of a passive/aggressive personality.

 

They purposely deprive you of the opportunity to communicate effectively, and want you to run after them, because that's how they win the argument.

 

If you DON'T run after them, they then come 'knocking on YOUR door' (and wait for it, they'll be sulking and turn the responsibility for the lack of contact onto you) wondering why the hell you haven't been in touch?!

[lana-banana]

He's gone into his cave. Read the book Men are From mars, Women From Venus.

 

Give him space for a week or two, or three, then contact him again.

 

She's supposed to give him two weeks for his precious ego to recover from an asinine dust-up? I wouldn't put up with that sh-t for two days.

 

Romantic relationships are all about communication. If this is how he handles problems I think you can rest assured it wouldn't work in the long run. Frankly I don't know why you'd even want it to work with someone so infantile.

[preraph]

Thank you every one for the responses!

 

He hasn't been in a relationship before, he's very inexperienced (I was his first kiss, and he's 21) so I've been trying to be more lenient/not expect him to know how a relationship works/what is expected, but he must know that this isn't okay. I honestly never thought he would act like this... It feels like he's a totally different person from what I know. But as you and a lot of others said relationship and friendship is different. I just didn't think he would be this different :/

 

If he's inexperienced, for God's sake don't be more lenient! You are his only teacher. Teach him what is acceptable and not acceptable!!

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you every one for the responses!

 

He hasn't been in a relationship before, he's very inexperienced (I was his first kiss, and he's 21) so I've been trying to be more lenient/not expect him to know how a relationship works/what is expected, but he must know that this isn't okay.

 

Did you know - and I am absolutely deadly serious about this - that his brain hasn't even finished fully forming yet....?

 

I honestly never thought he would act like this... It feels like he's a totally different person from what I know. But as you and a lot of others said relationship and friendship is different. I just didn't think he would be this different :/

I think if perhaps you look at some clues.... do you know his true, deep-down attitude or opinion about the differences/ similarities in men's/women's roles?

 

I'm thinking he's trying to establish his role as the dominant member of the relationship. You know, the guy has to act aloof, mean and masterful in order to maintain status and keep the little lady on the submissive side....

 

Obviously, this is a marred and erroneous outlook, because by and large, mostly, people here consider partners to be different in temperament but equal in status....

 

This guy needs a bit of a kick in the pants.

 

But I still think you're better off as buddies and not bed-fellows.....

[Kkw99]

Did you know - and I am absolutely deadly serious about this - that his brain hasn't even finished fully forming yet....?

 

 

I think if perhaps you look at some clues.... do you know his true, deep-down attitude or opinion about the differences/ similarities in men's/women's roles?

 

I'm thinking he's trying to establish his role as the dominant member of the relationship. You know, the guy has to act aloof, mean and masterful in order to maintain status and keep the little lady on the submissive side....

 

Obviously, this is a marred and erroneous outlook, because by and large, mostly, people here consider partners to be different in temperament but equal in status....

 

This guy needs a bit of a kick in the pants.

 

But I still think you're better off as buddies and not bed-fellows.....

That's the thing, he isn't one of those "keep a woman in her place" guys at all... Like he's very open minded and down to earth and I just don't get this at all. If I hadn't seen that he's been active on facebook I would of honestly thought something had happened to him, as oppose to him not replying to me, because he has never acted petty like this before.

 

I guess my only bet is to wait until he replies, or comes back from his trip and maybe I'll contact him then and tell him we need to talk.

 

I feel like the only reason for not responding to me would be him not wanting to continue our relationship, which sucks cuz things were going well. I even thought he was more invested in the relationship than I was- he had already told his family about me, made plans for me to meet his family and wanted to tell our mutual friend group about us. At least I'm better off without someone that can't handle a small fight

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to take a step back and ask yourself if you really want a boyfriend who stonewalls you and gives you the silent treatment. it's very unhealthy behaviour. If this is how he handles problems, you might want to have a re-think about whether this a good match.

 

For now, don't text him anymore. It's clear that he doesn't want to talk right now and no amount of apologetic texting is going to make him respond. If he keeps up the silence, I would end it. You can't be expected to hang around forever waiting to hear from him.

[TaraMaiden2]

That's the thing, he isn't one of those "keep a woman in her place" guys at all... Like he's very open minded and down to earth and I just don't get this at all. If I hadn't seen that he's been active on facebook I would of honestly thought something had happened to him, as oppose to him not replying to me, because he has never acted petty like this before.

Well, remember what they say: "Actions speak louder than words". His previous attitude may have been fine while in the friend mode, but I think he hasn't got a clue about how people should behave and communicate in a proper relationship, and he subconsciously (or otherwise) felt you were not according him adequate or suitable respect as the 'guy' in the equasion...

 

I guess my only bet is to wait until he replies, or comes back from his trip and maybe I'll contact him then and tell him we need to talk.

 

Do NOT contact him At - all. You've made every reasonable effort to connect with him and he hasn't replied.

Fine. Ok, in that case, the ball is in his court.

Say no more, do no more, and let him make the next move.

("It's the person who cares the least who controls the most"....)

 

I feel like the only reason for not responding to me would be him not wanting to continue our relationship, which sucks cuz things were going well.

Not necessarily, but it is manipulative... he wants the upper hand.But this is not the way to get it, or even the right attitude....

 

I even thought he was more invested in the relationship than I was- he had already told his family about me, made plans for me to meet his family and wanted to tell our mutual friend group about us.

 

he was your 'best friend' but you had never met his family, and they didn't know about you?

 

How long were you 'best friends' for...?

 

At least I'm better off without someone that can't handle a small fight ..

You're better off without someone that can't handle a relationship. leave alone 'a small fight'....

[katiegrl]

<insert instead> ...'and guaranteed he will contact you because he wants the attention.'

 

That's the whole MO of a passive/aggressive personality.

 

They purposely deprive you of the opportunity to communicate effectively, and want you to run after them, because that's how they win the argument.

 

If you DON'T run after them, they then come 'knocking on YOUR door' (and wait for it, they'll be sulking and turn the responsibility for the lack of contact onto you) wondering why the hell you haven't been in touch?!

 

Tara, you're absolutely right....smart girl!!!

[katiegrl]

He's gone into his cave. Read the book Men are From mars, Women From Venus.

 

.

 

Gary...that book is for couples in long term relationships or married...and his *cave* is where he might go for one or two days TOPS.

 

A better book for the OP to read would be "Mars and Venus on a Date.". For couples just starting out and the different stages they go through, including uncertainty and ambivalence.

[Kkw99]

Well, remember what they say: "Actions speak louder than words". His previous attitude may have been fine while in the friend mode, but I think he hasn't got a clue about how people should behave and communicate in a proper relationship, and he subconsciously (or otherwise) felt you were not according him adequate or suitable respect as the 'guy' in the equasion...

 

 

 

Do NOT contact him At - all. You've made every reasonable effort to connect with him and he hasn't replied.

Fine. Ok, in that case, the ball is in his court.

Say no more, do no more, and let him make the next move.

("It's the person who cares the least who controls the most"....)

 

 

Not necessarily, but it is manipulative... he wants the upper hand.But this is not the way to get it, or even the right attitude....

 

 

 

he was your 'best friend' but you had never met his family, and they didn't know about you?

 

How long were you 'best friends' for...?

 

 

You're better off without someone that can't handle a relationship. leave alone 'a small fight'....

 

His family lives 6 hours away, so I only have met his cousin who lives with him. His family knew we were friends/knew of me, but as soon as we got together he told them and started arranging me to meet them in the summer when he goes to see them.

 

And exactly... Like if this is how he handles a small argument I really don't want to continue, as much as it sucks cuz I really enjoy his company and have strong feelings for him, and thought he had them back for me... This isn't okay.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your bf sounds like ab immature dick. What he is doing is vey cruel. i think his stance in your argument is also i dicative of bigger issues. He cant be bothered to dress nicely to meet your mom? Wtf? dont lower your standards here.