ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 (edited) Hi there, Some of you may have followed my post a few months ago. Me and the bf had a falling out, he was very cruel. We spent two weeks away and then got back together. Things have been absolutely wonderful since that happened... I mean even when we occasionally fought, he had become so much nicer and more understanding and never raised his voice to me or said anything mean. We became so much closer and he started talking about a future with me and including me in everything he did, etc. But despite all that, I still have carried his gut-wrenching feeling that he was still cheating or reaching out to other girls, despite his promise to never do that again. Well, they say you should follow your gut for a reason. Yesterday I found emails of him responding to craigslist ads for the last couple of months... (Despite everything being great). Some of them were purely sexual interests, some he tried to meet up with at the movies, etc. He often responded with "I'm a single dad with limited free time, looking for someone to talk to... It's hard for me to find time to meet women so I'm on here." One reply was him seeking a FWB relationship, and one was from the other morning when I was at WORK stating that he had some free time that day. It's super sickening to find out the man you love isn't who you think he is... But this is it for me. I want to spend my life with him but I can't spend the rest of my life like this. He'll obviously never change. I feel like maybe he has a sex addiction or something, or maybe he needs to talk to a bunch of girls to feel better. Though I have my own apt, we practically live together and I'm practically mom to his daughter, his family loves me, etc. I give him all my time and love but I guess it's not enough. I am currently watching the little babe because he's on a job interview. I want to do this civilly and quietly. Even if I spoke to him about it and he promised he'd never do it again (again)... I could never believe him. So that's pointless. He's meeting his friend later for a movie. I'm going to leave him a letter and take all of my things and disappear while he's gone. I'm going to also state that if he tries to contact me in a hostile way, I will block his number right away. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I've loved him with my heart and soul for the last 8 months. I've loved him unlike anything I could've imagined... But I can't do this anymore and I don't deserve it. I guess he was never really mine anyway. Anyway, I know there will be I told you so's, but please try to spare me. I just need some support right now. I'm hurting but I know in my heart this is the best thing. I need to focus on my music career anyway, right? It's just that this pain is unbearable.... But it will eventually subside one day and I'll be okay and look back and know I did the right thing. Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn... Edited May 15, 2015 by ddlovexx 1
hunk Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Jesus. This sounds horrific. I can sympathize but can't empathize as i've never been in this position, or anything like it really. You need to know this has nothing to do with you, as much as you feel like it does right now. This is who this guy is. It's just him, he's quite obviously not changing and never will, even though you know he's going to come out and beg you back promising he will. You have no other option. Staying with him is just masochistic and stupid - it's a waste of your life. It's going to hurt, immensely. But you are regaining control of your life which is completely invaluable. With him you had no control - he was dictating your emotional wellbeing. What you're doing is undeniably the right thing to do - there's no other option at all. When you see it that way you might feel a little better. There are ZERO options other than to leave him for good. It's all you can do, there's no what-ifs - you HAVE to go. 6
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Just because you thought you loved him doesn't make it an intelligent rational decision to stay. You are freeing yourself from on-going heart ache. Think of him like a cancer that has to be cut out. If you had breast cancer would you say don't operate on me because I like my boobs or would say get the tumor out then we can do reconstruction? Same principle. 2
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 (edited) Yeah, it's literally earth-shattering but what else can I do? Stay and endure? I can't, I won't anymore. It feels like a bad dream... Wish I could wake up. I hope you guys are around tonight after I actually go through. I'm shaking now I can only imagine how broken I'll be then... Edited May 15, 2015 by ddlovexx 4
Satu Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 You are doing the right thing. This man can't be mended because he is fundamentally dishonest. Go, and don't look back. ************************************************ *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. ************************************************* All the best, Satu. 2
preraph Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Look, there are lots of divorced guys with children who will immediately upon getting partial custody take up with just about any woman so they have a free babysitter. Meanwhile, he's looking for variety sex. There is no other way to view this. This guy is a slimeball. He shouldn't be leaving his kid with strange women (though I'm sure you're lovely) and letting them get attached. He has no ethics and isn't thinking of his kid but only his own freedom and sexual needs. Please just get out of his life. I'm sorry for the heartbreak with you and the kid, but there's no way he's ever going to be just with you forever. 3
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 I'm the only "real" relationship he's had in years. In terms of meeting the family, all his friends know about me, I practically live with him and I wake up next to him every morning. Plus he has a normal babysitter/daycare she goes to during the week. Once in a blue I watch her, if something comes up like this job interview or whatever. For whatever this paragraph is even worth anymore...
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 Elaine my kitten is fine. He's all I have. 2
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 I have half a mind to go into craigslist and make a post warning other women about him. He answers multiple around the same time and seems as though he tries to meet up with them. Any opinions on that?
El Pallasso Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Just because you thought you loved him doesn't make it an intelligent rational decision to stay. You are freeing yourself from on-going heart ache. Think of him like a cancer that has to be cut out. If you had breast cancer would you say don't operate on me because I like my boobs or would say get the tumor out then we can do reconstruction? Same principle. Spot on advice. Loving someone doesn't make for rational decisions and is not an excuse. You live and learn. Time to move on. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Forget the letter idea, just pack and go. He isn't worth any of your energy in writing words to him that he will only see as A. incomprehensible or B. an ego boost. 2
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 I don't care about him at this point, getting my words out would make me feel better. Just the kind of person I am. What do you guys thinking about possibly warning about him on craigslist since he's so active there?
elaine567 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 what do you guys thinking about possibly warning about him on craigslist since he's so active there? no! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 2
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 He changed plans and wants to spend time with me tonight. I wonder if he knows something's up... I've been distant. I'm gonna have to leave the letter in the morning before work. It's the most civil and safe way where I know he won't attack with words. I've been through this with him before. Urgh. Luckily I grabbed a few things earlier and put them in my car. Also the craigslist, I was just wondering. He's literallt playing multiple women on there at the same time. Thought it would be helpful. But I guess maybe not.
Mx12345 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I have been in your exact same situation a few years ago. Only I took him back numerous times before I finally left for good. He'd apologize, beg, and id take him back. It would be great for a few weeks/months but always in the back of my head id feel something was off. Sure enough I'd find evidence of him talking to other girls, sexually, trying to meet up. We'd have a huge blow up fight and break up. If be dying for the days/weeks we were broken up. He was my world when we were together. He'd eventually contact me, sorry for what he had done. Then id take him back and the whole cycle would start again. It is SO hard to leave for good! Trust me, I know! My guess is he will try to come back again and apologize. I'm sorry for being pessimistic but he is a grown man. He's set in his ways. He will never treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You have to cut ALL contact. Also, call up friends maybe you haven't hung out with in awhile. Make plans, stay busy. We were together for two years and the first four months after the break up were so hard. I hated going home after work, to my apartment alone. It would just give me time to think about him. And what sucks is all I thought about was the good stuff. Not how he had hurt me over and over again and betrayed my trust. So stay busy. I joined a social kickball team. I tried to be doing something 4 or 5 nights a week. I started planning dinners with my siblings, whereas before we only saw each other once every two months. It does get better eventually. My situation got bad. I had to block him from calling and texting, from Facebook, from Instagram, from email, he was even looking at my LinkedIn account. When I blocked him from calling and texting he started trying to get ahold of me through other peoples phones. Even though I had had my cell phone number for 10 years I had to change my number. I hope your break up goes smoother. All of that was two years ago. Now When I do think of him (which is rare) all I think is this ******* lied to me and how I wasted two years of my life with him. You'll get to that point too eventually. It just takes time. Good luck! 1
Satu Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I really hope you don't let him talk you into staying. Maintain your resolve. 3
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 I don't wanna be with him at this point. I mean I do because I love him, but I don't... You know what I mean. It's happened more than once and I promised myself the next time would be the last. Luckily he doesn't have any social media at all so I'll just have to ignore texts. I'll hurt for a while. I'm sure he'll feel sorry eventually and say he'll never do it again, blah blah... But I've heard that from him already. I'm over it. Luckily when I feel like I want him I keep reminding myself about the emails and the girls and it helps me set my mind right for a second again. It's gonna hurt but one day it won't anymore. I need to make some new friends here, maybe fly back home for the 4th of July so I can see my friends and fam and have something to look forward to. I'm also looking for a new job. Just gonna try to move forward. Does someone have that article about the 5 stages of a breakup? I think I remember reading it once...
preraph Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I doubt Craigslist will allow you to do that. The best thing to do is copy his facebook or whatever social media photo he uses most especially on dating sites and then put that on your facebook for people to find and out him there and put his name so searches can find him and the photo. Nothing real intentional sounding, just like "I thought this man cared about me and found out he was actively trying to date."
Author ddlovexx Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 Like I said, he's not on social media at all. I've just seen those emails about him replying to a bunch of different women on craigslist. I don't even want to be a bitch about it, just want other women to know that if they get that response, they're wasting their time.
Satu Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Is that dripping sound I can hear, the sound of your resolve melting?
joseb Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 (edited) Don't get distracted with letters and craigslist. People will just think you are a bitter jilted ex. Focus on the task of going through with the breakup, and make sure you get this dick out of your life asap. Do not even consider giving him another chance. He is a total user. And loser. He will not change. And don't let him talk his way of of this with a pile of lies and promises. "Does someone have that article about the 5 stages of a breakup? I think I remember reading it once..." 1. Denial 2. Anger/resentment 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance Edited May 15, 2015 by joseb 2
Omei Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I don't know if this has been said before but make sure you're tested for sexually trans craiglist is a sex factory, hookups usually happen on the day of chat, he may of been with many woman by now, people meet up and move on within a hour sometimes maybe less he could of messed with a girl while he claimed he was shopping and most of these people claim to be clean but they've really had 3 partners before you and just say their clean it takes 10 days for HIV to be shown in a test most people on that site are liars. Get tested pronto!!!! 1
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