luno Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Hello, will try and make this as brief as possible! Met a guy (online) 2 months ago. He's 39, I'm 33. We both haven't been in a relationship for a few years. We don't live particularly close so have only seen each other once a week. Things have been going really well and it's obvious that we are both more than comfortable and happy with each other. We have slept together twice and are are affectionate in public. On our last date 2 weeks ago, I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive. He said he is bad about talking about this kind of stuff but yes he thought we were already and he's happy. I said I'd like to start seeing him more than just once a week, I could jump on a train and stay at his on a weeknight. And I suggested maybe we need to talk on the phone, not just text. He agreed to all, great night was had, he even suggested he meet my family. Since then, he's a different person, I hardly hear from him. When I say hardly, it's just an answer to my text (sometimes he doesn't even acknowledge them) or a random statement. He does initiate them still, but not often. I asked him if he was free last Sat, he said he was busy, that was a 1.5 weeks ago. So I'm assuming our conversation on our last date scared him. I asked why he was quiet and he said he'd had a long, tiring week, and he'd like to take things at a slow pace and see how it goes. Reading this makes me feel like I'm being petty as I know it's only early days and it's hardly heartbreak material, but I don't think it's fair to just to adapt to his new behavior? You dont text someone every day then think its ok just to text whenever you have time? It's now been 2 weeks since I last saw him. Some friends have said to just drop him, he's not being a nice guy but others are saying to let him have some time. I'm confused. Has he lost interest or is he just scared of potentially being in a relationship? And what do I do? Thanks!
madjac74 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 He's probably got the cold feet about a relationship for some reason. You should probably just go about your business and not make much effort to contact him. Make him initiate contact with you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 He said he wants to take it slowly. So he isn't prepared to fulfill your requests to meet more often, call, and so on. His actions are showing you he's not on the same page at this point. You don't have to adapt to anything; you can just let him go. 1
marcelo.santos Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Yes, you definitely scared him: He was really interested in you but you went too fast forcing the relationship to be something that it would be naturally in months: Next time dont be so anxious, dont suggest to talk by phone for example: begin to call him instead and see if he likes it - if he accept it wait another month for the next move or wait him to suggest a next move. We normally are afraid of happiness (men and woman). Now your best chance is to stop chasing him and give a step back - if he contact you your best move probably is to be cold for some days and wait to see if things returns to track. Learn from this mistake and never do it again for him or for any other relationship in the future. Good luck 1
Author luno Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 Yes, you definitely scared him: He was really interested in you but you went too fast forcing the relationship to be something that it would be naturally in months: Next time dont be so anxious, dont suggest to talk by phone for example: begin to call him instead and see if he likes it - if he accept it wait another month for the next move or wait him to suggest a next move. We normally are afraid of happiness (men and woman). Now your best chance is to stop chasing him and give a step back - if he contact you your best move probably is to be cold for some days and wait to see if things returns to track. Learn from this mistake and never do it again for him or for any other relationship in the future. Good luck Thanks Marcelo for your reply. I'm interested though that you think this scared him off. You think at the 8th date, when we said we were exclusive, it's still too forceful to ask a 39 yr old to talk on the phone? My reasons for asking weren't based on anxiety, I just think it's what adults in an exclusive r/ship do? You don't agree 2 months of only texting is too long? Right after this chat, he asked if he could meet my family? I have done what you said and taken a step back, reduced contact and he does initiate contact but not like he used to. I also think if he liked me enough he should just be able to say let's go take a step back... Thanks for your advice
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Thanks Marcelo for your reply. I'm interested though that you think this scared him off. You think at the 8th date, when we said we were exclusive, it's still too forceful to ask a 39 yr old to talk on the phone? My reasons for asking weren't based on anxiety, I just think it's what adults in an exclusive r/ship do? You don't agree 2 months of only texting is too long? Right after this chat, he asked if he could meet my family? I have done what you said and taken a step back, reduced contact and he does initiate contact but not like he used to. I also think if he liked me enough he should just be able to say let's go take a step back... Thanks for your advice The thing is, it probably would've been better to just start calling instead of telling him what he should do. The same goes for staying over with each other or seeing each other more often. It sounds like he took your approach the wrong way. I don't think your desires were unreasonable; I think it had more to do with your way of communicating this to him. Stay back a bit and see if it naturally returns to where it was. If it doesn't within a couple weeks, I'd consider it finished.
Author luno Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 The thing is, it probably would've been better to just start calling instead of telling him what he should do. The same goes for staying over with each other or seeing each other more often. It sounds like he took your approach the wrong way. I don't think your desires were unreasonable; I think it had more to do with your way of communicating this to him. Stay back a bit and see if it naturally returns to where it was. If it doesn't within a couple weeks, I'd consider it finished. Thank you Expat. I'm quite a passive person and didn't actually ask as such, but suggested. And he did agree. But I understand he probably just wasn't upfront. Do you think it wiser to give it time as is OR tell him/apologise if I was too brash/forward? Thank you
Recommended Posts