minnesotagirl26 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2.5 months ago over a drunken fight we had and claiming that we fought too much lately. We were together for a year and 3 months, doing long distance (6 hours) for half of it (visits every month), but eventually both moving back to our same hometown after graduating college. We went a month with NC. We started texting each other in the second month of our break up and decided to meet for coffee because he kept saying how he missed hanging out with me. After our first coffee meeting, I was confused about what his intentions were and he said he was confused and really didn’t know so he needed some time to think about it. We hung out a handful of times after that and I finally asked him if he had thought about us getting back together. He said that he was happy with what we were doing now as friends and that he doesn’t want to do long distance again when we both decide to move in the next 6 months because it would be hard since we are ‘starting over,’ according to him. I then asked him if we possibly go try getting back together in the future and he said most likely not. I decided to keep it to myself that I still have feelings for him and would like to try again, and we’ve been hanging out a ton since then. He said he considers me one of his best friends and hanging out with him is always a good time for both of us. He still makes flirty jokes or comments on certain things from our relationship/sex life, but he also will talk about how hot some girls are in front of me. I can definitely be his friend right now because I consider him my best friend and this whole hanging out thing and being close again makes me happy, but I want to know if he could possibly change his mind in the future and see that maybe I’m the one for him and that he made a mistake. Is that possible after all of this? Why does he want me to be his best friend after he broke up with me? He always wants me to come over for his family dinners and we end up hanging out with his family because I'm still close with all of them. He also still calls me by our nicknames we gave each other. I don't know if any of this means anything, but I'm just curious if someone who says they won't ever date you again can change their mind.
quattrob Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I think when he said "most likely not" pretty much answers your question. From there you need to decide if going over to his place for dinner with his family is appropriate or not. If it's awkward or makes you feel confused then you either need to tell him about it or if you don't you decide if you want to do those things that make you confused. I know it's hard for you to accept but the relationship is over and no one knows what's going to happen in the future, if he changes his mind, it wouldn't be because of you what you said or did.. ultimately it would be from himself.
spiderowl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 He knows you want to get back together with him. The very fact that you've asked questions about whether it's likely gave that away. He likes what you have now - nearly a girlfriend but not quite, a best friend who will let him date others. I can't see any indicators in what he's said that he is looking on this as a possible reconciliation even in the future. The question is, will this friendship be enough for you long term? What happens when he meets another girl and tells you you that you knew that you and he were just good friends? I think you could be in for a whole lot of pain as this relationship will stop you developing a close relationship with another guy and leave you stranded when your ex starts dating other women.
dave_1966 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Now read this very carefully, ok? Will you still want to be friends with him if he's banging some other girl? You may be turning up at his family get togethers with everyone in the room knowing what's going on, except you. I should imagine the reason he likes meeting up for coffees is because it makes him feel less guilty and bad about dumping you, he's thinking 'hey, she can't be that hurt because she still laughs at my lame jokes'. Meanwhile, you desperately want to get back together even if it means selling yourself cheap by being friendzoned. The reality of the situation is that you should have gone NC from day one, disappeared from his life like you were dead. This would have made you a valuable commodity if he started to miss you. It's not too late, start NC as you finish reading this paragraph. 2
minime13 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 He said that he was happy with what we were doing now as friends and that he doesn’t want to do long distance again when we both decide to move in the next 6 months because it would be hard since we are ‘starting over,’ according to him. I then asked him if we possibly go try getting back together in the future and he said most likely not. He probably still cares a lot for you and wants to be around you, but when you both move back home (I assume different areas of the country), he doesn't want to have a long distance relationship. So, I wouldn't hold my breath. And, just to let you know, no, you can't handle being friends with him right now, because of the "right now." You would have to accept that you will only be friends in the future, and not hold out for friends now/reconciliation later. I've had exes do that, and it is pretty painful to find out that they weren't really being my friend, but just holding on and hoping that a relationship would form again. Best of luck. Don't be friends right now, because you're not looking at it the way you need to be in order to really be a friend.
SLee Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 My ex is still pushing the friends thing. But from all the advice I've gotten from family, friends, and the folks here at LS, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with your ex while you have feelings for them. It will destroy you. I thought I could be okay with being friends. I was wrong. VERY VERY WRONG. You will be in for a world of hurt. He jokes and flirts, but he doesn't want to be with you. He talks about other women in FRONT of you, knowing you asked about reconciling in the future. This guy is probably not trying to be a bad person, but even he doesn't realize it, he is toying with your feelings and being selfish. He's being friends with you for HIMSELF. This is different than a regular close friendship (think of your closest friend other than him) where it's a mutual desire to share things with another person and a source of mutual support along life's journey. This is HIM wanting you around for some reason other than those, even if he doesn't realize it. Maybe it's because you're comfortable and familiar to him and there were good things about your partnership that he doesn't want to let go of. Maybe it's because he's scared of being alone. Maybe he wants you as his back burner girl. Or maybe, as others have said, to assuage his own guilt. Point is this not a friendship. HE has all the power here. That's NOT how healthy friendships work. He has the power to toy with your feelings and keep you constantly coming back because he knows you're attached to him. I've had to lay down the law with my ex, and so do you, just for the sake of your sanity and to get control over your feelings and your own life. With my ex, for example, it's all or nothing. If he doesn't want to be together, than we can't be friends. All or nothing. It sounds like an ultimatum and it seems harsh and unfair, especially when your ex isn't a bad person, but it's really the only way that YOU can be okay. The ONLY time I have seen the friendship thing work is when BOTH parties have completely moved on and significant time has passed. I don't see it happen very often. My mom, for example, wasn't friends with her exes for like a decade or longer, and at that point everyone was way older and married and stuff. Even then, it's rare. You need to decide what is best for YOU. Eventually, you are going to get sick of just hanging out with him and be unable to move on. You will get fed up with his comments about other women. Also if either of you gets into another relationship, do you think future partners of either of you would be comfortable with the visiting family together and being close friends and stuff? Probably not, and for a fair reason. Honestly, you're going to be in for a world of hurt. You need to decide what's best for you. Either outcome isn't going to be fun, but one will have be okay faster than the other.
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