He never pays

[madjac74]

I've met his kids but no one else in his life.

 

There is likely a baby mama that is sucking him dry. Regardless, if your concern is on who pays for what then this doesn't sound like much of a relationship to continue with because you guys obviously have a future of fighting about money ahead of you.

 

If he was on here complaining that he always pays then he ...would still be considered a dead beat.

[h0000]

I have to ask: why is that when a woman never pays for anything or at most pays for her own share, she isn't a deadbeat?

 

I mean, I guess I'm a deadbeat. I chose to go to grad school to get a career that I'm interested in, which means I'm poor and can only afford to pay for myself and lavish princesses with useless trinkets, rather than putting money first like I'm supposed to. Shame on me. And we're the shallow ones?

 

 

You beat me to it it seems. "Equality" is a one way street I guess.

Would you ask the girl pay for you then ? The guy OP dating not only not pay for her but also asks her to pay for him .

[CrystalCastles]

What I want to know, is would all of these things be said if the roles were reversed, and the OP was a man talking about his relationship with a woman? I seriously doubt it.

 

Why does it matter? Why is it that every time someone has a problem, another person has to come along and turn it into a gender war. This thread isn't about a gender war, it isn't about "what happens if roles were reversed", its about a specific problem, namely the OP feels the dude she's dating is mooching off her.

 

If this dude can afford to shop for himself, surely he can afford to pay for dates sometimes. The OP said he never pays. If he is so broke, why is he dating? Dating isn't free.

 

Personally violet, I would dump him. His cavalier attitude towards your finances is really off-putting. He told you drinks are on you because he's broke? I hope you aren't planning on marrying him, ever. Or buying a house with him. Who knows, maybe the house will be on you too, because he's broke. Bills will also be on you. Etc. This guy doesn't have his act together.

 

And fyi, enigma, if the roles were reversed, it would not be ok either.

[johndoe2]

Would you ask the girl pay for you then ? The guy OP dating not only not pay for her but also asks her to pay for him .

I would never allow anyone to pay for me. I support myself, I won't accept favors. But I think everyone should aspire to that standard.

 

Imagine applying that standard consistently to women? Most of the ones I've dated didn't reach for the check. Frankly, I think it's every bit as selfish when they do it, but alas, the zeitgeist is not on my side. And if a guy were dating a single mother who was financially worse off than him? And he insisted that she pay for herself in all things, I suspect many people would view him as callous rather than fair.

[madjac74]

The guy OP dating not only not pay for her but also asks her to pay for him .

 

Yet she said that of a "handful" of actual dates he paid for 1 or he split the check or she paid. And he bought her a birthday gift. Yet the entire thread is that this guy pays nothing and is a deadbeat.

 

We don't know if he told her he couldn't afford to go out and she insisted they go anyway (I have been there a few times). If she just wants to spend time with him but money is an issue then maybe they should just NOT GO OUT!!!

[madjac74]

 

If this dude can afford to shop for himself, surely he can afford to pay for dates sometimes. The OP said he never pays. If he is so broke, why is he dating? Dating isn't free.

 

 

This whole argument is so flawed. How does she know he was shopping for himself and not his kids? Was she following him? The OP clearly stated that of a handful of dates that he paid for 1 and they either split or she paid for the others. That is not a NEVER. Also dating can be very free...walk along the river, watching a movie, cooking at home, etc...

[elaine567]

I've been seeing this guy for 7 months.

 

= You've been sleeping with this guy for 7 months.

Despite his protestations I feel FWB does more or less describe your relationship - unfortunately for you.

Your effort = 95%

His effort = 5%

 

The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself.

This is the crux of the problem, it is not only that the OP is the one paying, it is the fact he is crying poverty and expecting to be paid for, then going out and spending the money on himself, his life, his kids.

Would anyone think it good if a woman was telling someone she was too poor to even pay for one or two drinks, then she was out the next day shopping for bags and shoes?

I note also he also has the OP running to his place for sex and a movie, I guess he cannot even be bothered to make the effort to get to her place.

It is not really only about who pays, he is selfish and is using the OP for what he can get, I doubt this will end well.

Being introduced to someone's kids doesn't necessarily equate with a "serious" relationship, some kids get exposed to just about everyone their parent dates/sleep with.

[Toodaloo]

The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself.

 

I sometimes feel like I'm being used.

 

Violet - if you let this continue you may as well change your name to piggybank...

 

He doesn't love you. He loves the fact he gets a shag and freebies for doing sod all.

 

Get out now. It will not get better. It will only get worse.

 

This is such disrespectful behavior and its consistent. Congratulations you now have your entry to the "I have dated a selfish ass wipe" club.

[guest569]

I don't think the issue is about money or gender wars. It sounds like this man is not putting in any effort and that is making OP feel used and unwanted. He could be throwing money at her and she would still feel the same. To have only had a handful of (boring) dates in 7 months, it's time for him to up his game or call it quits. I probably wouldn't be with a guy who made me pay for 100% of things and I wouldn't expect a man to do that for me either. It's not right, you're both adults.

[Taramere]

The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself.

 

That sounds pretty disrespectful to me. I suppose the fair thing is always to give a person the opportunity to explain what seems like disrespectful behaviour.

 

As an opener to discussing this openly with him, you could try something like "if finances are an ongoing problem for you, then I'm happy to sit down and work out something that's fair to both of us in terms of balancing the need to budget with having a bit of fun. But right now I feel like I'm doing a lot of giving and you're doing a lot of taking. The other night you told me to buy drinks for both of us because you were too broke to pay your share. The very next day you were out shopping for yourself. What would you think about that if you were me?"

[Art_Critic]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[elaine567]

7 months dating for most equals loads of dates, walks, activities, events and general hanging about. Honeymoon period.

BUT I have a feeling here that this ex-husband is more used to doing "husbandy" things, ie working, watching TV, sex, crashing and sleeping instead of acting like a date or someone in a "singles" type of relationship.

The OP being an "ex wife", is also accepting of that role to an extent, but she wants to see some commitment to her as a woman too, they have only been dating 7 months.

There is still the feeling that husbands look after their wives, protect, care for, entertain them and that can mean providing some money too - at least meeting them half way.

Here he is acting like a "husband" that is putting no effort into a marriage, a husband that many on here would be thinking of leaving and getting a divorce form.

ONLY he isn't her husband he is just someone she is dating and for that reason he probably needs a bit of a wake up call and a change in his behaviour, or to be binned forthwith.

[Toodaloo]

I have dated women with children that had far less money than me. I did not count dates, price check gifts, or even ask that they ever pay for any dates. I paid, because I knew I could afford to. I did not get mad if they spent a little bit of money on themselves either.

 

There is a difference between selfish and looking after yourself.

 

The amount of money doesn't matter its how they use that money.

 

No not all men are selfish ass wipes but this one I suspect IS. The longer she is with him the more likely she is going to become one of those bra burning feminists that you were talking about.

 

I am not attacking this guy because he is a guy or anyone is entitled because of their gender... I am attacking this guy because based on what has been described he is a tosser. Had it been a man complaining that she never pays my advice would have been and has been exactly the same.

 

To answer your question. A woman who consistently refuses to pay and uses her partner as a piggy bank IS a selfish cow. The whore would depend on how many people she is shagging.

 

This guy is just damned lazy, disrespectful and selfish. It has sod all to do with money, its just the way in which he has shown his true colours. The thread could have been he never cooks or he never puts the toilet seat down. ..

[Violet dateline]

This whole argument is so flawed. How does she know he was shopping for himself and not his kids? Was she following him? The OP clearly stated that of a handful of dates that he paid for 1 and they either split or she paid for the others. That is not a NEVER. Also dating can be very free...walk along the river, watching a movie, cooking at home, etc...

 

I know because he told me. The day after he told me drinks were on me because he is broke he went shopping for records for himself. He even posted a picture on social media of his shopping haul. I get that this guy doesn't have a whole lot of extra money at the end of the month and I'm ok with that. I just want to feel like I mean something to him. There have been times that he asks me to get something to eat and when we get there he will tell me that we have to do separate bills. He's not taken me on a single dinner date that he's paid for including my birthday which was 6 months into our relationship.

[Taramere]

There is a difference between selfish and looking after yourself.

 

The amount of money doesn't matter its how they use that money.

 

No not all men are selfish ass wipes but this one I suspect IS. The longer she is with him the more likely she is going to become one of those bra burning feminists that you were talking about. p

 

Exactly. For the guy to plead poverty when they were out for a drink, and then to actually post a picture of his shopping haul on social media the next day smacks of deliberate disrespect. A kind of "let's see how much she likes me" test. To which I should think the answer is "a lot less, now."

[Violet dateline]

 

We don't know if he told her he couldn't afford to go out and she insisted they go anyway (I have been there a few times). If she just wants to spend time with him but money is an issue then maybe they should just NOT GO OUT!!!

 

I've never asked him to do anything that costs money. He asked me to go for drinks and then told me I was paying. He'll ask me to grab something to eat and then I end up paying for myself. Sometimes he asks me to bring him something small like a tea and I do but it's never been reciprocated.

[Violet dateline]

I have dated women with children that had far less money than me. I did not count dates, price check gifts, or even ask that they ever pay for any dates. I paid, because I knew I could afford to. I did not get mad if they spent a little bit of money on themselves either.

 

I also have a child to support. He makes slightly more money than I do though he does have more to pay out each month. I am understanding that he does have financial constraints. I get that. I'm not expecting diamonds and trips. I just don't want to be asked out somewhere and then be expected to pay.

[joseb]

I know because he told me. The day after he told me drinks were on me because he is broke he went shopping for records for himself. He even posted a picture on social media of his shopping haul. I get that this guy doesn't have a whole lot of extra money at the end of the month and I'm ok with that. I just want to feel like I mean something to him. There have been times that he asks me to get something to eat and when we get there he will tell me that we have to do separate bills. He's not taken me on a single dinner date that he's paid for including my birthday which was 6 months into our relationship.

He is starting to sound like a dick alright now.

Why are you still with him? Is it a convenience thing (as you both have kids)?

I don't get the sense there is much love there.

[Violet dateline]

He is starting to sound like a dick alright now.

Why are you still with him? Is it a convenience thing (as you both have kids)?

I don't get the sense there is much love there.

 

He's the first person I've dated since my ex husband. He is divorced too and he's been really emotionally supportive during mine. I have amazing conversations with him, he makes me laugh and we have a really good friendship. He is great with my child and we do bond over having shared experiences being parents. Oh and the sex is amazing.

[katiegrl]

What I want to know, is would all of these things be said if the roles were reversed, and the OP was a man talking about his relationship with a woman? I seriously doubt it.

 

I think you are wrong about that dude. There have been plenty of threads created by MEN who are frustrated and ready to throw in the towel because their girlfriends never pay.

 

To which most **women** on the board agreed!

 

If a woman never offers to pay, she is every bit a "deadbeat, as a man who never pays!!

[elaine567]

If a woman never offers to pay, she is every bit a "deadbeat, as a man who never pays!!

Yes.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that decent men or women down on their luck or just poor, should have to pay for expensive meals and trinkets for their dates.

Many - male of female - would gladly subsidise such a person, till they got back on their feet, or make do with free dates, like a walk in the park or on the beach, but the man here is apparently taking advantage of the OP, no question.

[Violet dateline]

Should I bring my feelings about this up in conversation? I don't want to come off as a gold digger. I feel almost guilty brining up money. I feel like if things continue like this it's always going to be an issue for me. Should I just break up with him? Again there are other things about him and our relationship that I like and I value our friendship.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I would never allow anyone to pay for me. I support myself, I won't accept favors. But I think everyone should aspire to that standard.

 

Imagine applying that standard consistently to women? Most of the ones I've dated didn't reach for the check. Frankly, I think it's every bit as selfish when they do it, but alas, the zeitgeist is not on my side. And if a guy were dating a single mother who was financially worse off than him? And he insisted that she pay for herself in all things, I suspect many people would view him as callous rather than fair.

 

The above bolded attitude and viewpoint is one of the plethora of reasons why I always pay my own way on every date I go on with a guy, unless he insists on paying my way; and even then, I always treat him the next time to keep things on an even keel. One thing's for sure....NO GUY will ever ever EVER regard me as the kind of woman who 'uses her gender as an excuse for him to pay her way for anything'. I've grown weary of hearing guys saying that constantly about women whose dinners or tickets they pay for.

 

If a guy does NOT want to pay for a woman's way for anything at any time when out on a date with her, then he should TELL HER this before the date happens, so she knows where she stands. But see, this is the main reason why I always pay my way for EVERYTHING when out on a date - this way, they have NOTHING negative or condescending to say and nothing to complain about! Besides, I don't need (nor do I want) a man to pay my way - for ANYTHING. I can pay my own way, thank-you-very-much.

 

 

.

[BlueIris]

Should I bring my feelings about this up in conversation? I don't want to come off as a gold digger. I feel almost guilty brining up money. I feel like if things continue like this it's always going to be an issue for me. Should I just break up with him?

 

Personally, I’d just break up with him because I like going out and doing things and wouldn’t want to bear the entire cost myself. If you stay with him and marry him, this is how it’s going to be forever unless you address it directly. You have to bring this up. Don’t be afraid to tell him that you want to go out more and you want him to share the costs. If he can’t or won’t or he says or implies that you’re shallow or a gold digger, break up immediately. If you can talk it out as a couple, then there’s hope. But you’ll never know unless you try.

 

My question is, why are you afraid to talk to him about this? You'd have to be able to talk about things openly if you stayed together forever. Do you have reason to think that he will be unpleasant if you bring it up?

[elaine567]

Was he badly burned by his divorce financially?

Perhaps this money thing is a left-over from his divorce. "Women are just money grabbers and I am not going down that road again" sort of attitude.