Violet dateline Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. He tells me he loves me, talks about the future with me and says he can see himself marrying me. In 7 months we've gone on a handful of actual dates, the first time he paid and since then we either get seperate bills or I pay. He did buy me a small birthday present it was under $30 and he said he was going to take me out but has never mentioned it since and that was weeks ago. The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself. I believe him when he tells me he loves me, it seems sincere and it's always him talking about our future. I'm not sure what to make of this. I sometimes feel like I'm being used.
preraph Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Uhhh, Violet, my pet, there are a whole LOT of deadbeats who would gladly "love" you as much as this one does. I hope he at least bought you something for Mother's Day, because that's what you are to him, and it won't be long until that dynamic kills the sex completely. You can do better! I almost said you should give him an ultimatum to get his crap together, but he's perfectly happy the way he is and it wouldn't be worth the battle. Find someone who can stand on his own two feet at least. 5
fitnessfan365 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 To be honest, I'd dump this guy. Granted, the money part of it is bad. However, I am looking at his date frequency with you. If you've been together seven months, you should be having way more than just a "handful of dates". When a guy is invested, he'll court you properly. So looking at it objectively, you basically stay in/have sex most of the time and do dates once in a blue moon that you pay for. The "I love you" sounds like a line just to keep getting laid to be honest. From his actions, I'd say he doesn't really care about you at all. 2
Gary S Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Ah, you found a cheap guy. Cut off sex and see if still does not want to pay. One way or another, he'll pay. 1
writergal Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Violet I get the deadbeat vibe from this guy you've been wasting your time with for 7 months. Eww. You have to pay for him? Run away! He doesn't have his act together or he'd be paying for you.
Redhead14 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. He tells me he loves me, talks about the future with me and says he can see himself marrying me. In 7 months we've gone on a handful of actual dates, the first time he paid and since then we either get seperate bills or I pay. He did buy me a small birthday present it was under $30 and he said he was going to take me out but has never mentioned it since and that was weeks ago. The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself. I believe him when he tells me he loves me, it seems sincere and it's always him talking about our future. I'm not sure what to make of this. I sometimes feel like I'm being used. I sometimes feel like I'm being used. -- If you feel like you're being used, you are. What does he do for a living? Where does he live? Does he have a car? Have you met or plan to meet his family soon? What do you do with him between the actual dates? How many is actual and how many in the very beginning and how far apart?
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Based on your other threads about this guy, the lack of paying for dates is the least of your worries. Why are you still with him? It is obviously not a fulfilling relationship... 2
Trishern Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 He's a waste of space and a 'skinflint' Ditch him. You don't want to be dating a guy like that.
Author Violet dateline Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 So looking at it objectively, you basically stay in/have sex most of the time and do dates once in a blue moon that you pay for. Yes. This exactly.
minime13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. He tells me he loves me, talks about the future with me and says he can see himself marrying me. In 7 months we've gone on a handful of actual dates, the first time he paid and since then we either get seperate bills or I pay. He did buy me a small birthday present it was under $30 and he said he was going to take me out but has never mentioned it since and that was weeks ago. The other night we went for drinks and he told me they were on me because he's broke. The next day he was out shopping for himself. I believe him when he tells me he loves me, it seems sincere and it's always him talking about our future. I'm not sure what to make of this. I sometimes feel like I'm being used. To me, this seems like you are picking apart things you don't like about him, and you are doing it because there are bigger issues in the relationship and this relationship makes you unhappy. This particular one? It can easily be discussed to see where he stands on dates and picking up the check. If he doesn't have a lot of money to spend, that's one thing. If he has an egalitarian view of relationships, then you may differ on certain principles. Your bigger issue is what you should worry about, instead of nitpicking.
Author Violet dateline Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I sometimes feel like I'm being used. -- If you feel like you're being used, you are. What does he do for a living? Where does he live? Does he have a car? Have you met or plan to meet his family soon? What do you do with him between the actual dates? How many is actual and how many in the very beginning and how far apart? We work together in an office, the pay is decent but I know money is tight for him after all his monthly expenses. He has his own apartment. He has a car. He's met my family, I've met his kids but no one else in his life. We mostly hang out at his place, watch movies and have sex. Sometimes we take our kids to the park together. We went out for drinks twice when we first started dating he paid, we've been to lunch once but we split the bill at his request. I've taken him out for dinner twice. I took him for a drink once.
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 We work together in an office, the pay is decent but I know money is tight for him after all his monthly expenses. He has his own apartment. He has a car. He's met my family, I've met his kids but no one else in his life. We mostly hang out at his place, watch movies and have sex. Sometimes we take our kids to the park together. ***We went out for drinks twice when we first started dating he paid, we've been to lunch once but we split the bill at his request. I've taken him out for dinner twice. I took him for a drink once***. In seven months? Really? What are you thinking? 2
fitnessfan365 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Yes. This exactly. Sorry to tell you this then but you're friends with benefits. 1
preraph Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) We work together in an office, the pay is decent but I know money is tight for him after all his monthly expenses. He has his own apartment. He has a car. He's met my family, I've met his kids but no one else in his life. We mostly hang out at his place, watch movies and have sex. Sometimes we take our kids to the park together. We went out for drinks twice when we first started dating he paid, we've been to lunch once but we split the bill at his request. I've taken him out for dinner twice. I took him for a drink once. Oh, for Christ sake! He probably makes the same as you do. This guy is a world class slacker mooch deadbeat! Listen, I get it, guys like this can be easy to have around. I mean, why not? They have no worries! Slackers are invariably happy. A friend of mine was married to one. He was supernice. But he wouldn't help her buy a car to drive 20 miles to work and he wouldn't help pay the taxes because she made more than he did!! This type is not husband material. These type guys come with an expiration date, and that expiration date is once their parents are no longer paying for their college and all their bills. Edited May 14, 2015 by preraph
Author Violet dateline Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Sorry to tell you this then but you're friends with benefits. I've told him that it feels like this sometimes and he says that it's not. He says friends with benefits don't talk and text all day like we do. He also said he wouldn't have introduced me to his kids if that's all it was to him.
Methodical Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've told him that it feels like this sometimes and he says that it's not. He says friends with benefits don't talk and text all day like we do. He also said he wouldn't have introduced me to his kids if that's all it was to him. He is going to say whatever he thinks you need and want to hear to keep this FWB's relationship going. 1
preraph Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 It's not even up to the level of FWB. It's more like he's a gigolo.
Breezee Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 If you are okay with how things have been going for the past 7 months because he "loves" you and have no problem with putting up with it, then I guess you'll stay. But it seems you question it and rightly so. We can give you input about what we think, but unless you open your eyes and think about if this is the type of life you want, then break it off immediately. Personally, I'd have been gone months ago. I hate wasting my time on deadbeats. Life's too short. 1
darkmoon Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 he was on best behaviour, he saw you have more cash than him, change how you treat him to suit you, discussion does not seem to be working tell him to pay for himself in future do not get angry, just be honest
preraph Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 What I want to know, is would all of these things be said if the roles were reversed, and the OP was a man talking about his relationship with a woman? I seriously doubt it. And you would be correct. But what's the point? Do men get pregnant and sometimes have to depend on women to fully support them for at least some substantial period of time after childbirth? I didn't think so. This is why it's important to know you have a man who can carry the load for awhile -- because you're probably going to end up carrying a load for him. Once women make as much money as men and enough to have a savings while they're still young enough to bear children, then gradually this ancient tradition will die off some. As for the gigolo part, I always tell guys to dump golddiggers.
joseb Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 What I want to know, is would all of these things be said if the roles were reversed, and the OP was a man talking about his relationship with a woman? I seriously doubt it. While I think this guy sounds like maybe he is a bit of a deadbeat, based on other threads from the OP, I agree that their is a very sexist slant to many of these comments. The guys has kids to look after. I wonder how many people would describe a single mom with kids to feed a deadbeat because she only paid for part of the dates they went on, and wasn't keen to go out all the time. 2
mortensorchid Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 He's cheap. I went out with someone kind of like him once. He would purposely not go places, pay with coupons, etc. and then he would go out and spend on some frivolous toy or something that only he would play with. Looking back I see now how selfish and greedy he was. I can tell you that you will be facing this FOREVER and if he isn't cool with your spending needs/wants, he won't be EVER. Neither will you ever. Fact.
h0000 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 While I think this guy sounds like maybe he is a bit of a deadbeat, based on other threads from the OP, I agree that their is a very sexist slant to many of these comments. The guys has kids to look after. I wonder how many people would describe a single mom with kids to feed a deadbeat because she only paid for part of the dates they went on, and wasn't keen to go out all the time. So his money is for himself and his kids. and Her money is for her and him. Very selfless 1
Els Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I've told him that it feels like this sometimes and he says that it's not. He says friends with benefits don't talk and text all day like we do. He also said he wouldn't have introduced me to his kids if that's all it was to him. You know there's not just the two potential scenarios of "FWB" and "a loving relationship", right? There's heaps of other possibilities like "a crappy relationship with someone who isn't really interested in putting in effort" - which sounds like what you're in. Anyway, I agree with Carrie - why are you still with him?
johndoe2 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I have to ask: why is that when a woman never pays for anything or at most pays for her own share, she isn't a deadbeat? I mean, I guess I'm a deadbeat. I chose to go to grad school to get a career that I'm interested in, which means I'm poor and can only afford to pay for myself and lavish princesses with useless trinkets, rather than putting money first like I'm supposed to. Shame on me. And we're the shallow ones? What I want to know, is would all of these things be said if the roles were reversed, and the OP was a man talking about his relationship with a woman? I seriously doubt it. You beat me to it it seems. "Equality" is a one way street I guess. 2
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