TgSan Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been dating my gf for almost a year now. we're both in college and are in our early 20s. She is amazing and I think I'm in this for the long haul. I got caught cheating two months in - she decided to stay with me after I vowed to gain her trust again. She suffers from an anxiety disorder, and sometimes it'll take over her mindset and suddenly she starts making me feel guilty about my mistake. 9 months after I got caught, nothing has changed. Not only does she have these anxiety attacks at times, but I also feel like her respect for me has diminished. I feel as though I tried to make up for my mistake by making sure I'm always around (I pretty much live with her) and avoiding getting too impassioned when she does something out of line. she says she trusts me and that she wants to be with me long term (she's very in love with me) but I also think she's gotten very comfortable given my desperate attempt at gaining her trust. last night she told me something that really bothered me. She was reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and how "together" I seemed. And how now I appear more human. I wasn't sure how to take that and in a way I thought that comment was an indictment on how comfortable she is with me, but also that she no longer sees me as someone to be revered and respected. I want this relationship to work, but I can't think of a way to build respect and trust. I really don't know what to do here and I need guidance. I just feel like I'm not the shiny new car I used to be and I think it has a lot to do with how I handled the aftermath of being caught cheating.
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 To me when she revered you she had you on a pedestal & you were not a mere mortal in her eyes. Now you are more approachable since she knows you are not infallible. Her anxiety will always be there. You didn't cause it but you did exacerbate it. As long as you are being faithful now, hopefully as time passes she can come to trust the facts, rather than always punishing you for a past mistake. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been dating my gf for almost a year now. we're both in college and are in our early 20s. She is amazing and I think I'm in this for the long haul. I got caught cheating two months in - she decided to stay with me after I vowed to gain her trust again. She suffers from an anxiety disorder, and sometimes it'll take over her mindset and suddenly she starts making me feel guilty about my mistake. 9 months after I got caught, nothing has changed. Not only does she have these anxiety attacks at times, but I also feel like her respect for me has diminished. I feel as though I tried to make up for my mistake by making sure I'm always around (I pretty much live with her) and avoiding getting too impassioned when she does something out of line. she says she trusts me and that she wants to be with me long term (she's very in love with me) but I also think she's gotten very comfortable given my desperate attempt at gaining her trust. last night she told me something that really bothered me. She was reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and how "together" I seemed. And how now I appear more human. I wasn't sure how to take that and in a way I thought that comment was an indictment on how comfortable she is with me, but also that she no longer sees me as someone to be revered and respected. I want this relationship to work, but I can't think of a way to build respect and trust. I really don't know what to do here and I need guidance. I just feel like I'm not the shiny new car I used to be and I think it has a lot to do with how I handled the aftermath of being caught cheating. Trust and respect are the most difficult things to regain in a relationship. It will take quite a long time to do it so 9 months is no surprise. It is a gradual process and not an event. You may need to ask her, what if anything, you have done so far that has made her uncomfortable or re-traumatized her. It could be something very mundane like you said one thing, but she thought you mean't something else. Or you were a few minutes late from work. She may not have said anything, but if she has an anxiety disorder, she may have been fretting about it and that kinda sets things back a little. And, simply ask her what would make her feel more comfortable. You say she's become comfortable with the efforts you've been making. It may be that she has really become complacent and not seeing effort for what it is anymore if at all. It is a tedious process anyway, but if there is an anxiety disorder involved, it'll be even more difficult. I'd suggest couples counseling really. I'd suggest counseling for her at least to deal with the anxiety and to help her move on from the cheating experience.
Eighty_nine Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Trust and respect are the most difficult things to regain in a relationship. It will take quite a long time to do it so 9 months is no surprise. It is a gradual process and not an event. this. you can't expect her to one day just be "over it." Really all you can do is keep being there for her. total transparency, anything she needs to know, tell her. nothing should be off-limits to her in terms of looking at your phone or social networking sites. Don't make her feel bad for the way she feels. Anxiety is a very pervasive problem and when someone reinforces it (like by cheating) it's very hard to quiet it down. ask how you can help her when she's feeling that way- if there's anything you can do to make her feel better.
Redhead14 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Make it like it was in the beginning, before the "misstep". That misstep happened very early in the relationship and at that point she was already hooked and the reason she stuck with you. So, basically, you need to be starting over. Plan dates with her. Compliment her, tease her. Be the guy she first met. Show her everyday, in every way, that she is loved. Every little thing you do in that effort will help. I don't mean get all clingy, sloppy, etc. I mean make sure you tell her in the morning you love her and before you go to bed. Send flowers, leave her little notes inside the kitchen cabinet door or bathroom mirror. If there is something she's said she wants or needs just in passing and didn't ask you, get it for her. Pay close attention to what she says. It's not so much about the grand gestures as the accumulation of little things. Do more fun and different things together. Go bowling Get out of the house. Go to the park. Go to an amusement park. Do more entertaining. Things you don't do much of but like to do and haven't done in a while. Things that will bond you again. Edited May 14, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Gary S Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 It's going to take time for her to get over it. You made your own bed, now you have to lie in it.... for awhile, at least.
Redhead14 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 And, by the way, since you've been together for a year, you might have been posting that your relationship had stagnated, I would tell you to do what I said above. You maybe feeling a lack of progress too because of "stagnation". You mentioned that she seemed to be getting "comfortable" with the effort so far. Shake it up a little and think outside the box
preraph Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 If you are sure you'd never cheat on her again now that you're deep into the relationship, you need to tell her that. I would couch it this way. "I want to marry you someday, and my morals would prevent me from EVER cheating on my wife. If I was wanting to cheat, I wouldn't get married." And it would be more convincing if you yanked a ring out of your pocket at the end of that little speech. But if you're not ready, at least lay the groundwork. But don't say it if you don't mean it. What really stings about cheating is that most women feel that if you really love someone, real adult love, that that is the last person you'd ever want to hurt. If they hurt, you hurt too. That's love. But if you feel you could never feel that way, you might not be ready for a big commitment.
Redhead14 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 If you are sure you'd never cheat on her again now that you're deep into the relationship, you need to tell her that. I would couch it this way. "I want to marry you someday, and my morals would prevent me from EVER cheating on my wife. If I was wanting to cheat, I wouldn't get married." And it would be more convincing if you yanked a ring out of your pocket at the end of that little speech. But if you're not ready, at least lay the groundwork. But don't say it if you don't mean it. What really stings about cheating is that most women feel that if you really love someone, real adult love, that that is the last person you'd ever want to hurt. If they hurt, you hurt too. That's love. But if you feel you could never feel that way, you might not be ready for a big commitment. He should not offer her a ring or suggest marrying her until the trust issue has been resolved between them. All that would do for her is distract her from the deep issue she is apparently dealing with. It might temporarily gloss things over, but if it remains unresolved on a deep level, she may end up just going through the motions of a relationship with him and at some point it will rear it's head again in a big way because it's been pushed down for some time. That would only be a bandaid. The wound will continue to fester. He needs to rebuild trust gradually and consistently.
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I've been dating my gf for almost a year now. we're both in college and are in our early 20s. I didn't have to read much beyond this. Believe me when I state - rather emphatically - that you are going to change your mind sometime around your 29th or 30th year. You aren't ready to settle down and neither is she. That is part of why you cheated.
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