Meli22 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Hello all! Just wondering how everyone is doing break up progress wise? I am 2 months in and I have been hitting the anger stage a lot recently, if you read my thread (realizations I think its called).. you will understand why. A month or so ago I was devastated over my ex and believed he was perfect. Now, I don't feel he is perfect at all - just shows how feelings can change. Anyway... what about everyone else? dumper or dumpee? how far in and how are you feeling? Edited May 14, 2015 by Meli22
kismetkismet Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm 2 months into my breakup as well, from a 1.5yr relationship... though i'm technically the 'dumper'. I left because I didn't feel like my emotional needs were being met and that he wasn't prioritizing me.. and at first I was like, here I go, moving forward etc etc. Though completely crushed I felt like I was being strong for not putting up with an unhappy situation (since in previous relationships I've stayed far longer than i should have - through abusive situations etc.). I had trouble eating and sleeping, and i drank too much and cried all the time.. but I had it in my head that I was doing what was best for us.. I worked out a lot and went out with friends/made new friends etc. So Stage One was about a month and like a weird mix of 'ONWARD AND UPWARD' and '**** my life, i think i'm dying' Stage two happened after we met up so I could get my things from his house after being apart 5 weeks. This was when he told me how devastated he'd been (i really didn't know) and how much he hadn't wanted me to leave etc. We ended up sleeping together but agreed it shouldn't happen again. For a week or two after that we entered into a friendsy situation where we talked far more often than we should have and i felt pretty content. Stage 3 happened when I realized talking to him all the time was preventing me from moving on.. and I just felt like we were still together. I said we should get space/initiated no contact.. and then I fell apart again. Back to crying everyday and missing him possibly even more than before stage 2. Now I'm not sure I made the right decision at all and wonder if we could have worked it out. I think everyone has different stages I guess.. depending on the relationship, the cause of the breakup, who broke up with who etc. but either way - it is all a giant sack of garbage.
Author Meli22 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Kismetkismet.. Sorry to hear about your situation, hope it gets better for you! I was the dumper although I was pushed into it. He had been pushing me away for months, kept saying the passion felt less but also completely closed up so we couldn't possibly ignite things up again. It was a mess that I felt could have been resolved with some effort and communication. Anyway, I also wonder how he feels. I know he was upset at some point to a mutual friend, but he hasn't reached out. Part of me is glad because it could cause a set back. The other part would like to tell him my true feelings (how wrong he was, again my previous thread will make sense).
SLee Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 2 months after a 3.5 year relationship. I'm the dumpee. The worst part of m situation is that I still live with my ex until our lease is up in about a month and a half. The good part was that I feel way different than I did initially at the break up. I too thought my ex was a perfect angel of a man, even though deep down I knew it wasn't true. Now I see that he's really deteriorated and is really delusional about things in his life. I'm in limited contact right now. I don't stick around home much, which kind of sucks because I don't like feeling uncomfortable in my own home, but it helps to be out with my friends a lot. It's a godsend. I'm looking forward to things coming up. I've got some summer plans, I have an internship in winter of this year, and I graduate next spring, and will be headed off to graduate school the year after. I have good days and bad days. I do really well for a while, and then something out of the blue will set me back to missing him over and over and being frustrated about the break up. I don't initiate conversation or anything with him, but he does with me. He's trying to push the being friends thing really hard, I told him that it's not going to happen. I'm at a point where I think I would like to reconcile someday. However, I know that may not last forever. My feelings may change in time. I do know right now that nothing between him and I will work where we both are at. That reality gives me the strength to move forward.
SLee Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 SLee.. Why did you guys break up? Short version: Back last summer, I was in a dark place with my mental health and some personal bad things that happened all at once. I was feeling pressure from the relationship as well, as he kept talking about more and more grown up things like marriage, buying a house, etc. We're so young, in our early twenties, and didn't even know what careers we really wanted at the time. I was trying to think realistically. I brought it up to him and he was upset, but agreed to take the pressure off. I used the time from then to this March to take care of my mental health and maintain the relationship. I just wanted to take it a bit easier and not be discussing those huge things that we weren't ready for yet. He'd been drifting apart from me for a while. I noticed and wanted to be closer again (we were both very stressed to the limit with work, school, family life, etc.) I told him and he initially agreed. The next day he said he wanted to break up because his heart wasn't in it or something. He then confessed how he had been texting my best friend of 10 years daily behind my back and that he "sorta kinda" had feelings for her. My friend is the sweetest person in the world, but she's pretty naive about some stuff. She has since apologized and realized how she didn't help anything. They're not talking, and she never had feelings for him and doesn't really like him anymore at this point. I asked him how he could do that if he claimed to have loved me so much. He said he was so hurt from last summer that he just "didn't care about hurting" me. Supposedly, he lost all of his feelings after just a couple months after over 3.5 years of history. It's very difficult for me to understand his reasoning. Sorry this got a little long!
Author Meli22 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 That's rough! I'm sorry to hear. That's kinda petty of him with his reasoning. It's not like you asked him to back off for no reason, you had stuff on your plate. I too don't understand why feelings change.. Especially for no particular reason. I guess they weren't as invested as we were. But we can take comfort in the fact that we did all we could. I sacrificed so much for my ex! I even changed to accommodate his needs (never again though would I do that..) and it still wasn't enough. Something was missing affection wise so he said, which was odd because I always initiated intimacy, he just put a wall up. 1
AIJ Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 3 and a half months on and I can say with no hesitation at all that I'm 100% over her. Happiest I've been in a long, long time. Finally got my **** together in all other aspects of my life, I'd been focusing far too much on the relationship! 1
Author Meli22 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 AIJ that's good! Can I ask why it ended? And who ended it?
Moley87 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Separated now 2 months and been in no contact again for 3 days. Mixed emotions at this stage, happy that I am getting control back of my life but gutted that a once great relationship ends with no contact. Break up was due to bad timing more then anything else but feel lost without her but know this is now about me only and NC is only option I have. Long road ahead but taking it day by day, Can't worry about the past or the future for that matter , happy to just take it day by day
dangerbang Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Let me see. She left me, engaged and wedding planned for 2 weeks from today actually, deposit put on buying a house etc. Up and down at the moment, it's been 5 weeks or so. The ups are becoming far more common. I don't miss her as such, as she's shown her true colours since she left, and it's clear I avoided a bad situation. I still get upset over being treated unfairly and the shock of the change is still there but wearing off. She pretty much moved on to someone 11 years younger than her right away, and this just shows she had no respect for me, and all we had planned. I really really don't know why she let the relationship progress so far and planning all that stuff if her heart wasn't in it. 4 weeks since I heard anything from her and that was just abuse. I'll never contact her again and will ignore any contact from her, although I don't expect any. There are moments of bliss but it's still hard. I would think in a few months time though my head will be in a much better place, it already is, 5 weeks later. Onwards and upwards.
medzeer Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 3 months post BU, still feeling ****ty, thinking about her everyday, existing not living. RS was only 1,5 year so i really don't get why am I still in this condition.
Didn'tknow Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 5 months post break up. Relationship was 3 years long. I still think about her everyday and I still love her just as much as I always have, it isn't dulling in the slightest. I don't get panic attacks or break down anymore which means I can function better. I've been in no contact but it doesn't change how I feel about her.
guest569 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 1.5 yrs in as the dumpee. I'm not sure what all the stages are but I have been stuck in the sadness and anger and shock stages .. Some days i feel like i am back at day 1 where he has just broken it off, I'm so shocked and confused again.
AIJ Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 AIJ that's good! Can I ask why it ended? And who ended it? Technically speaking, I was the 'dumper', but in no way, shape or form was it like that at all. It was very clear she wanted out, she had one foot out the door so I just decided to shove her all the way out. I didn't want it to end but I knew it had to. We argued an awful lot, she was incredibly poor at communicating with me, my needs weren't being met (in more ways than one, she was a very poor girlfriend in my honest opinion). Someone else expressed an interest in her, and off she went. They were together within two weeks of the break up, and they're still together now as far as I'm aware. Doesn't bother me at all now
Author Meli22 Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 Kinda similar to me, although there was no third party involved (I don't think). He went all weird and started pushing me away, witholding affection, accusing me of scenarios he'd created in his head. I knew he was losing interest in some way but similar to your ex, he didn't communicate at all. I got fed up so I walked away.
AIJ Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 Kinda similar to me, although there was no third party involved (I don't think). He went all weird and started pushing me away, witholding affection, accusing me of scenarios he'd created in his head. I knew he was losing interest in some way but similar to your ex, he didn't communicate at all. I got fed up so I walked away. Takes a lot of balls to walk away though, should be proud of yourself for being able to do so! Had I known she was so poor at communicating, I would've stayed well away. We were in that 'talking' stage for 7 months, no issues whatsoever, never argued or anything. Get in to a relationship and within a month we'd had a huge fall out! They continued, and became much more frequent and ferocious. If I'm honest I think the only reason I stayed with her for so long was because of how physically attractive she was, as shallow as that sounds.. don't judge me
Author Meli22 Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 Does take guts. Sometimes (not often though) I second guess my decision. But I became so unhappy and didn't see an alternative. Once I'd stepped away and had some distance, I was able to look back and see that the relationship wasn't all that healthy either. I don't think I would of had the happiest life.
Thecondor1991 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 so I'll be posting on this every now and then to give you guys an update and to keep track of my progress. we broke up 3 days ago and today also makes day 3 of Nc. The day of the break up I cried a lot, felt like crap, could barely eat, and thought about her all day. Day 2 I had a dream about her, cried a little, and thought about her a few times throughout the day. Today is day 3, I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, I obviously am thinking about her becomes I'm here. But I do feel a bit better, hopefully this is a step in the right direction.
Author Meli22 Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 so I'll be posting on this every now and then to give you guys an update and to keep track of my progress. we broke up 3 days ago and today also makes day 3 of Nc. The day of the break up I cried a lot, felt like crap, could barely eat, and thought about her all day. Day 2 I had a dream about her, cried a little, and thought about her a few times throughout the day. Today is day 3, I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, I obviously am thinking about her becomes I'm here. But I do feel a bit better, hopefully this is a step in the right direction. Why did you split up?
Thecondor1991 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 (edited) Why did you split up? Ultimately it came down to the fact that she wasn't ready to let go of the past and move forward with me. She still had feelings for an ex and couldn't decide what to do. So Instead of waiting for her to make a choice, I forced her to. As Much as it hurt. I had to let her go. It wasn't fair to me considering I had given all I could to the relationship and hadn't so much as thought of another girl while we were together, I helped her in every aspect of her life, and the fact that she was even thinking of leaving me for someone else was more than enough for me to say enough. It really did feel like it came out of nowhere though, and it hurts like hell. We did so much together that I cant imagine her not being in my life, but I know what I have to. I have to keep going. That's all any of us can do. I know now that we are split, I have to focus on me and my life. Edited May 16, 2015 by Thecondor1991 1
mitz36 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 two months into my break up and i am doing better, but still have very bad low moments. feels like a roller coaster! my story is posted somewhere if anyone wants to look it up, it was a horrible betrayal... I spend most of my time out and occupying my mind, when im idle my thoughts take over and i get angry and want to lash out... i am in therapy and he says im doing good considering, although it doesnt feel like it most days. i find myself seeking male attention and even though my self esteem took a hit, youd never know it the way i strut around exuding confidence! LOL i had a brief fling with a married player and im not proud of that, but other than him i have not slept with anyone since, but i sure flirt a lot with guys. i am very self aware through this whole process and that sucks in itself too because i know exactly why im doing the dumb things i do... all in all this process sucks, even worse when your life was ripped apart for no good reason and they get to sit back and be 'happy' together while i put myself back together....
HowMightI-live Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) Its been at least 8 or 9 months since the split. She was the dumper and like you, the first couple of months were spent idolizing her very existence. She was right, i was wrong. She was utopia, i was reality. She was everything, i was nothing. All these great memories of her and us until the truth smacked me right in the face. She wasnt perfect, no one was. And most importantly, we werent happy; she was just the first one to do something about it. As weeks went by i started to wonder more and more what it was that i was truly missing about a relationship filled with drama, that i had so easily overlooked and why i thought we were perfect for one another. I still have moments like that, filled with irrational delusional thinking and those are usually the days when i miss her most. But that way of thinking is starting to become less and less frequent and im enjoying the stability and acceptance of closure. Edited May 17, 2015 by HowMightI-live 2
Author Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I almost resent my ex for not breaking up with me the right way. Instead I went through 4 months of "I haven't made a decision about us yet" "you used to be the one but now I'm not sure" all whilst he was pushing me away, witholding affection and accusing me of being disrespectful (it's in my realizations thread), it was almost like a control thing. I eventually had had enough and I walked away because I felt broke as a person. By the way he still had no reason as to why he was pushing me away, he couldn't explain it himself, it literally started from nowhere. 1
candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 there is no such thing as "it started from nowhere". Some people are incapable of emotional intimacy. Maybe he started to fall out of love. Maybe he was pressuring himself too much - questions such as "is she the one" add a lot of pressure. one thing is for sure: that is not how love should be. You were right to leave. Do your best to forgive yourself for staying. It is normal to not want to let go, to fight for love, especially if you've felt you've had it and it was slipping away. It's a natural instinct. Now you've learnt from this experience. You're stronger, you're more knowlegeable and you've stood up for yourself. That's just great! It's very important to know how you want to be loved, what you can take and what you cannot take. Your ex's behavior looks quite passive aggressive, because he pushed you to leave him through his behavior. You might want to watch out for that next time. don't beat yourself up, you've left him. Leave it behind and focus on the future!
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