Confessions of a Rebound

[ByMyself01]

I just found out that I was a rebound because since my ex wanted to reach out to a mutual friend, I directed the conversation the next time he spoke to her. SO basically this is what I've learned being a rebound and I just found out this is what I was by the conversations my ex had with our friend.

 

-The beginnings of a rebound relationship, the other party can hide their feelings well. It will seem like a perfectly, functioning relationship. You may even think they may have fallen in love with you and possibly love you more than they've ever loved their ex. But the keyword is, they are able to hide their feelings very well at this stage. This stage can last anywhere from the beginning of the relationship up to the first year.

 

-In the middle of the rebound relationship it will be hard for the other party to keep up the front and they come to realization that they possibly still love their ex and everything you do will not be good enough for them. This is when the relationship will start having problems. At this point they will criticize the things you do, but it's not you, it's them comparing you to their ex. The feelings they held inside for their ex are usually out at this point, but they will tell everyone about it but YOU. The reason why is because of FEAR. FEAR that their ex will not take them back at this point and they're afraid to be alone which is why they entered this rebound relationship anyways. They don't want to be alone.

 

-The last stages of a rebound relationship they will start pushing you away and never tell you why. By this time, they have come to realization with themselves that they want their ex back and in order to do so, they realize they have to put in some work and usually that means getting rid of you ( without really getting rid of you). If they do get their ex back, you will usually be the last to know. Some do this to keep from hurting you or some do it selfishly to keep you on a string just in case you have to be the rebound again.

 

I just though I'd help someone with what I've learned and I will tell you what is the best thing to do if you discover you are a rebound and usually you will not be able to tell until the 2nd or last stage of the relationship.

 

-The best thing to do is to give them space. It's better to just disappear, but if you care about the person give them space. DO NOT bring up the ex if you suspect they may still be in love with them. That is where I messed up. It will only remind them of the love they have for them and remind them that they're not with them and they will blame you for inflicting pain on them. The reason why is because their goal was to keep hiding and when you bring it forth, it makes them angry with you.

 

-Giving space is the only and best thing to do. The longer they're in the rebound relationship with you, the more they are keeping themselves to properly grieve from the last relationship. If they push you away in the end, they are doing you and themselves a FAVOR. They are finally allowing themselves to grieve.

 

-It's not that you weren't a great person, it's just that they wasn't able to fully get over their ex. Let them grieve. Sometimes they may even push you away and get ANOTHER rebound. But it will be the same downward spiraling relationship UNLESS they find someone who reminds them of their ex. But it is just a false image.

 

-Move on from these types of relationships because I wasted 3 years of my life with a man who lied and said he wanted to marry me (only because he almost married his ex). He wanted to paint our relationship the same he had it with his ex. Me and her were like opposites so everything I did that wasn't how she was, he found great fault in me and everything I DID. And I've tried EVERYTHING to make him happy and it just wouldn't work because I realized it was her who made him happy. I found out he still continues to this day and lies to his ex and our friend that he never slept with me. I even found out he used me for sex because he had "needs."

 

-BEWARE of being a REBOUND! It's a waste of time and energy for both parties.

Edited May 14, 2015 by ByMyself01

[aloneinaz]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"? Seriously, everyone who is single (unless a teen) is healing from their last relationship when they start dating again. I'd also disagree that most enter a rebound relationship to get over their ex. MOST want to meet their next and possibly LAST love of their life.

 

My last GF ended our off/on relationship that I should of ended. I was torn up over it horribly. I said enough to myself and I need to find someone else. I went NC and started dating one month later. Now, let me tell you that I LOVED my ex, big time but knew we were NOT compatible. I met a woman 3 months post breakup. We started dating and it was good. Was I still in love w/my ex, yes. Did I still think of my ex. Yes. Did it disturb or impact my relationship w/this new girl? No. Did I compare the two, YES. That's normal.

 

6 months after my ex ended us, she came back after me full force. She was told by me that I was "not interested" even though I know I still loved her on some level. I was nice and forgave her for all the hell she put me through. She knew I had a new girl in my life and still tried to get me back and was told no.

 

I've been with the same/current GF for 20 months. We live together. I'm her first BF after her last relationship. Our relationship is great and I love her to death. Do I still think of my ex? Yes and there are many things I miss about her but.. she's not going to change her ways which makes us uncompatible.

 

People shouldn't be so quick to label themselves "a rebound" when the relationship didn't work. Think about it. Lots of people are still hung up on their ex at the begining of a new relationship w/someone new. Many find that they love and appreciate the new significant other more than the ex and live happily ever after. Others find their next relationship after their ex isn't good and move on to someone else. It's normal..

[ByMyself01]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"? Seriously, everyone who is single (unless a teen) is healing from their last relationship when they start dating again. I'd also disagree that most enter a rebound relationship to get over their ex. MOST want to meet their next and possibly LAST love of their life.

 

My last GF ended our off/on relationship that I should of ended. I was torn up over it horribly. I said enough to myself and I need to find someone else. I went NC and started dating one month later. Now, let me tell you that I LOVED my ex, big time but knew we were NOT compatible. I met a woman 3 months post breakup. We started dating and it was good. Was I still in love w/my ex, yes. Did I still think of my ex. Yes. Did it disturb or impact my relationship w/this new girl? No. Did I compare the two, YES. That's normal.

 

6 months after my ex ended us, she came back after me full force. She was told by me that I was "not interested" even though I know I still loved her on some level. I was nice and forgave her for all the hell she put me through. She knew I had a new girl in my life and still tried to get me back and was told no.

 

I've been with the same/current GF for 20 months. We live together. I'm her first BF after her last relationship. Our relationship is great and I love her to death. Do I still think of my ex? Yes and there are many things I miss about her but.. she's not going to change her ways which makes us uncompatible.

 

People shouldn't be so quick to label themselves "a rebound" when the relationship didn't work. Think about it. Lots of people are still hung up on their ex at the begining of a new relationship w/someone new. Many find that they love and appreciate the new significant other more than the ex and live happily ever after. Others find their next relationship after their ex isn't good and move on to someone else. It's normal..

 

I get what you're saying and congrats on standing strong and moving on, but this is my experience. Every relationship is difference. That is why it was my confession and what I have learned from my rebound relationship. And by the way he left me and is now thinking of ways to get his ex back and he's totally blind-siding me now since she always tells him I was the reason she will not come back to him so he is lying and telling people he haven't talked to me in 6 months (which is a lie) and that he has never slept with me (In which he can't resist sleeping with me everytime he sees me).

[elaine567]

 

My last GF ended our off/on relationship that I should of ended. I was torn up over it horribly. I said enough to myself and I need to find someone else. I went NC and started dating one month later. Now, let me tell you that I LOVED my ex, big time but knew we were NOT compatible. I met a woman 3 months post breakup. We started dating and it was good. Was I still in love w/my ex, yes. Did I still think of my ex. Yes. Did it disturb or impact my relationship w/this new girl? No. Did I compare the two, YES. That's normal.

 

6 months after my ex ended us, she came back after me full force. She was told by me that I was "not interested" even though I know I still loved her on some level. I was nice and forgave her for all the hell she put me through. She knew I had a new girl in my life and still tried to get me back and was told no.

 

I've been with the same/current GF for 20 months. We live together. I'm her first BF after her last relationship. Our relationship is great and I love her to death. Do I still think of my ex? Yes and there are many things I miss about her but.. she's not going to change her ways which makes us uncompatible.

 

 

Thing is that here you KNEW that the relationship with your ex was going nowhere, you even told her to get lost when she tried to come back, thus you moved on. You next relationship was not a rebound as you had completely finished things with your ex. Your gf is not therefore just an ex replacement, she is your next real relationship.

 

As for your gf and her relationship with her ex, I don't know how much unfinished business she has, time will tell whether you are just a replacement for him, perhaps you are just the "rebound", until she gets her act together.

[aloneinaz]

Thing is that here you KNEW that the relationship with your ex was going nowhere, you even told her to get lost when she tried to come back, thus you moved on.

So? How does that differentiate between a rebound or a next relationship? In many people's eyes, any relationship AFTER one that you didn't want to end is a rebound. I loved my ex and wanted it to work. I got back together with her multiple times.. I just came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to change and was tired of the BS and games.

 

As for your gf and her relationship with her ex, I don't know how much unfinished business she has, time will tell whether you are just a replacement for him, perhaps you are just the "rebound", until she gets her act together.

 

Again, you're making poor conclusions and not differentiating between a rebound vs. next relationship. She was done w/him as well. Like me and most other folks, time passing away from our ex's, opens our eyes to reality and to what really constituted a lousy relationship..

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

So? How does that differentiate between a rebound or a next relationship? In many people's eyes, any relationship AFTER one that you didn't want to end is a rebound. I loved my ex and wanted it to work. I got back together with her multiple times..

 

That's not what Elaine is saying. It becomes a rebound relationship when the person who didn't want to end their last relationship is STILL NOT over their ex to the point that, if they could, they'd WANT to get back with them and the feelings of love that they have for them are STILL very strong.

 

 

THIS is what she's saying:

 

I just came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to change and was tired of the BS and games.

 

You are OVER your ex because you came to the conclusion that she was never going to change and that you're tired of her bull$hit. Even if you still 'love' her to some extent, you are SO over her. THAT'S the point Elaine was conveying to you: people who are NOT over their ex (and wish they can have them back), more often than not, enter into rebound relationships; not always, but usually.

 

 

 

Again, you're making poor conclusions and not differentiating between a rebound vs. next relationship. She was done w/him as well. Like me and most other folks, time passing away from our ex's, opens our eyes to reality and to what really constituted a lousy relationship..

 

She is done with him as well? How the hell do you know?! Because she told you? Because you can tell by the way she acts and the things she says to you that she's 'done with him'?? You will NEVER know what her true feelings are towards her ex or with regard to ANYTHING; you can only guesstimate how she feels towards him. Only with time will you be able to tell with some certainty if she's truly over her ex and if you're NOT her rebound. Your last sentence IS true. With the passage of time, some people DO get over their exes completely and are able to move on to a future relationship without it being a rebound relationship.

 

 

 

.

[kismetkismet]

No... not all relationships are rebound relationships.. Whenever I have entered into a serious relationship I was over my ex. I've dated casually in between relationships, but I've always been clear about being casual about it.

[casey.lives]

A rebound relationship is when the person tries to replace the last failed relationship partner with a new one .... AND UPHOLDING THE SAME LEVEL OF INTIMACY STANDARD THE PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP without the time and genuine feelings.

[minime13]

I just though I'd help someone with what I've learned and I will tell you what is the best thing to do if you discover you are a rebound and usually you will not be able to tell until the 2nd or last stage of the relationship.

 

-The best thing to do is to give them space. It's better to just disappear, but if you care about the person give them space. DO NOT bring up the ex if you suspect they may still be in love with them. That is where I messed up. It will only remind them of the love they have for them and remind them that they're not with them and they will blame you for inflicting pain on them. The reason why is because their goal was to keep hiding and when you bring it forth, it makes them angry with you.

 

-Giving space is the only and best thing to do. The longer they're in the rebound relationship with you, the more they are keeping themselves to properly grieve from the last relationship. If they push you away in the end, they are doing you and themselves a FAVOR. They are finally allowing themselves to grieve.

 

-It's not that you weren't a great person, it's just that they wasn't able to fully get over their ex. Let them grieve. Sometimes they may even push you away and get ANOTHER rebound. But it will be the same downward spiraling relationship UNLESS they find someone who reminds them of their ex. But it is just a false image.

 

-Move on from these types of relationships because I wasted 3 years of my life with a man who lied and said he wanted to marry me (only because he almost married his ex). He wanted to paint our relationship the same he had it with his ex. Me and her were like opposites so everything I did that wasn't how she was, he found great fault in me and everything I DID. And I've tried EVERYTHING to make him happy and it just wouldn't work because I realized it was her who made him happy. I found out he still continues to this day and lies to his ex and our friend that he never slept with me. I even found out he used me for sex because he had "needs."

 

-BEWARE of being a REBOUND! It's a waste of time and energy for both parties.

 

It's confusing and hurtful to find out you are place holder, or a rebound, when you were genuine with your intent to pursue a relationship. However, I feel like the advice you are giving is very contradictory.

 

If you find out you are a rebound, giving space and time will do nothing more than prolong a break-up, and you are put in the role of helping the other person get over their ex. That's not your job as the other half in a dating relationship. They need to get over it themselves, and maybe with the help of their friends. There's no need for you to continue to be used by them, since you are being used in the first place as a rebound. The space given to them should be you breaking it off because it will not amount to anything but your own hurt.

 

Your feelings rarely matter in a rebound relationship. And don't get rebound relationships confused with regular relationships. You will initially be compared to other exes, even subconsciously, in every relationship you get into, and you will compare future partners to past partners. In a normal relationship, people naturally will get to a point to where they may lose interest or find that there is not the level of compatibility they need. That's just a part of dating. I wouldn't necessarily call a 3 year relationship a rebound relationship, either. That person sounds like he had a different set of problems altogether. Rebounds usually don't last that long.

 

The big difference in a rebound relationship that separates it from a regular one is that you are being used to move on from a previous relationship. Period. This person typically will not see a future with you, and will not pursue you like one in a normal relationship. This is all about getting their fix and their needs outside of the relationship they got out of so they can move on from it easily.

 

If you want to avoid being a rebound, then just look for signs. If they talk about their previous relationship or ex within the first couple of dates, then you're a rebound. If they are too eager to to involve themselves at the beginning, then you're probably a rebound. If you know they have just gotten out of a serious relationship, then you definitely are a rebound. Within a couple of dates, these things should be apparent. Just make yourself available to read the writing on the wall if you need to.

[sober and dry]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"? Seriously, everyone who is single (unless a teen) is healing from their last relationship when they start dating again. I'd also disagree that most enter a rebound relationship to get over their ex. MOST want to meet their next and possibly LAST love of their life.

 

My last GF ended our off/on relationship that I should of ended. I was torn up over it horribly. I said enough to myself and I need to find someone else. I went NC and started dating one month later. Now, let me tell you that I LOVED my ex, big time but knew we were NOT compatible. I met a woman 3 months post breakup. We started dating and it was good. Was I still in love w/my ex, yes. Did I still think of my ex. Yes. Did it disturb or impact my relationship w/this new girl? No. Did I compare the two, YES. That's normal.

 

6 months after my ex ended us, she came back after me full force. She was told by me that I was "not interested" even though I know I still loved her on some level. I was nice and forgave her for all the hell she put me through. She knew I had a new girl in my life and still tried to get me back and was told no.

 

I've been with the same/current GF for 20 months. We live together. I'm her first BF after her last relationship. Our relationship is great and I love her to death. Do I still think of my ex? Yes and there are many things I miss about her but.. she's not going to change her ways which makes us uncompatible.

 

People shouldn't be so quick to label themselves "a rebound" when the relationship didn't work. Think about it. Lots of people are still hung up on their ex at the begining of a new relationship w/someone new. Many find that they love and appreciate the new significant other more than the ex and live happily ever after. Others find their next relationship after their ex isn't good and move on to someone else. It's normal..

After 20 months with your GF you still think about your ex and still miss her, sorry man but shame on you... For me it's not normal...

Anyway, when I have entered a new RS usually I still have something for my ex but that soon disappears as I give all of myself to the new girl. And I also don't think that every RS starts as a rebound!

Edited May 14, 2015 by sober and dry

[aloneinaz]

After 20 months with your GF you still think about your ex and still miss her, sorry man but shame on you... For me it's not normal...

 

Of course I still think about my ex and miss things about her. And, to be honest a few other past GF's as well. It's NOT disrespectful that our minds wander back to good times w/past loves. Everyone does.

 

I'd think its NOT normal if you didn't think about past loves even when you happily in love with your current partner, especially the hot sex part.

[sober and dry]

Of course I still think about my ex and miss things about her. And, to be honest a few other past GF's as well. It's NOT disrespectful that our minds wander back to good times w/past loves. Everyone does.

 

I'd think its NOT normal if you didn't think about past loves even when you happily in love with your current partner, especially the hot sex part.

Lol everybody is different, in my perspective it's crazy to still actively think about them or miss them them to whatever degree after being in a new RS. That would keep me hung up to the other person

Sure I still remember somethings from previous RS from witch I have healed, but I don't miss that, it's just water under the bridge long gone. In fact I do my best to forget anything about them except the lessons learned.

But then again everybody is different for various reasons xD

I know I have a lot to learn so I don't mind changing my mind anytime!

[lop98]

I think we can all differentiate rebound from baggage, everyone living and experiencing relationships carries some baggage, and certainly it's hard to find people in stellar shape to jump into a relatioship, perfection doesn't exist and everyone has at least one issue of some sort.. rebounds are very obvious (fresh wounds, last relationship ended recently and was painful and they can't handle being alone with their wounds at all and expect someone else to replace and mitigate the pain, yeah..).

 

I've never been a rebound, but once I was close to become one and stopped him on his tracks right there, I was so insulted about the idea of this guy reducing me to that person he hits on to distract himself after a serious/formal relationship that we stopped talking for years (we were close friends). I liked him but not for a relationship and I honestly thought I was worth so much more than that (still do!), and girl friends have had similar experiences so this leads me to feel a bit intrigued about people that miss all these red flags, sometimes even when they're smacking them on the face (e.g. new bf publishes a lot of heartbreak related posts on social media- why would that be?!), how do you ignore all of that and carry on? is it because you REALLY want to be in a relationship with that person at all costs? isn't there quite a bit of selfishness and denial and lack of honesty involved too? I don't know, I feel bad for people that realize this way down the road but it also gets me thinking, cause I have a hard

time seeing them as 100% used, unless they had never been in a healthy, fully committed relationship and thought someone agreeing to being a relationship was acceptable enough.

[h0000]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"? ..

 

Stupidest thing I have ever heard.

 

People get over their ex to the point that the ex almost never comes up to their mind anymore.

Even if they do come up, there will be no residual feelings

[aloneinaz]

Stupidest thing I have ever heard.

 

People get over their ex to the point that the ex almost never comes up to their mind anymore.

Even if they do come up, there will be no residual feelings

 

What planet do you live on? So EVERYONE when they start dating again after a failed relationship is over their previous ex to the point that the ex never come to their mind before dating? You must be smoking some good stuff..

[h0000]

What planet do you live on? So EVERYONE when they start dating again after a failed relationship is over their previous ex to the point that the ex never come to their mind before dating? You must be smoking some good stuff..

 

I never said everyone. But you said all new relationship started off as rebound.

Still stupid

[mightycpa]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"?

No, I don't think so. At a minimum, the dumpers start off with a clean slate. They're not on the rebound. So there's half. Then, not everybody who gets dumped is devastated. Sometimes people are ok within weeks, and they see other people until somebody new sparks their interest.

 

Having been in and out of multiple relationships in my lifetime, I'd have to say I had only one rebound relationship and I stopped the second one before it got out of hand. The rest were genuine, and they far outnumbered the other one or two.

[kookie84]

I just found out that I was a rebound because since my ex wanted to reach out to a mutual friend, I directed the conversation the next time he spoke to her. SO basically this is what I've learned being a rebound and I just found out this is what I was by the conversations my ex had with our friend.

 

-The beginnings of a rebound relationship, the other party can hide their feelings well. It will seem like a perfectly, functioning relationship. You may even think they may have fallen in love with you and possibly love you more than they've ever loved their ex. But the keyword is, they are able to hide their feelings very well at this stage. This stage can last anywhere from the beginning of the relationship up to the first year.

 

-In the middle of the rebound relationship it will be hard for the other party to keep up the front and they come to realization that they possibly still love their ex and everything you do will not be good enough for them. This is when the relationship will start having problems. At this point they will criticize the things you do, but it's not you, it's them comparing you to their ex. The feelings they held inside for their ex are usually out at this point, but they will tell everyone about it but YOU. The reason why is because of FEAR. FEAR that their ex will not take them back at this point and they're afraid to be alone which is why they entered this rebound relationship anyways. They don't want to be alone.

 

-The last stages of a rebound relationship they will start pushing you away and never tell you why. By this time, they have come to realization with themselves that they want their ex back and in order to do so, they realize they have to put in some work and usually that means getting rid of you ( without really getting rid of you). If they do get their ex back, you will usually be the last to know. Some do this to keep from hurting you or some do it selfishly to keep you on a string just in case you have to be the rebound again.

 

I just though I'd help someone with what I've learned and I will tell you what is the best thing to do if you discover you are a rebound and usually you will not be able to tell until the 2nd or last stage of the relationship.

 

-The best thing to do is to give them space. It's better to just disappear, but if you care about the person give them space. DO NOT bring up the ex if you suspect they may still be in love with them. That is where I messed up. It will only remind them of the love they have for them and remind them that they're not with them and they will blame you for inflicting pain on them. The reason why is because their goal was to keep hiding and when you bring it forth, it makes them angry with you.

 

-Giving space is the only and best thing to do. The longer they're in the rebound relationship with you, the more they are keeping themselves to properly grieve from the last relationship. If they push you away in the end, they are doing you and themselves a FAVOR. They are finally allowing themselves to grieve.

 

-It's not that you weren't a great person, it's just that they wasn't able to fully get over their ex. Let them grieve. Sometimes they may even push you away and get ANOTHER rebound. But it will be the same downward spiraling relationship UNLESS they find someone who reminds them of their ex. But it is just a false image.

 

-Move on from these types of relationships because I wasted 3 years of my life with a man who lied and said he wanted to marry me (only because he almost married his ex). He wanted to paint our relationship the same he had it with his ex. Me and her were like opposites so everything I did that wasn't how she was, he found great fault in me and everything I DID. And I've tried EVERYTHING to make him happy and it just wouldn't work because I realized it was her who made him happy. I found out he still continues to this day and lies to his ex and our friend that he never slept with me. I even found out he used me for sex because he had "needs."

 

-BEWARE of being a REBOUND! It's a waste of time and energy for both parties.

 

Just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I recently found out I was a rebound (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/528970-getting-over-fade-out-feeling-used-rebound#post6325291). My situation is different, but this really helped me gain a little more perspective about things. Thank you.

Edited May 16, 2015 by kookie84

[10yearsgoneaway]

Don't most ALL new relationships start off as a "rebound relationship"?

 

No. A rebound is just that, trying to fill a void, or cope with pain and loss. Normally starting 1-3 months after the last relationship ended.

 

If a person is over their ex, then it's simply a new relationship.

 

Example, I'm 2.5 months out of a 10 year relationship, I'm am heartbroken, lonely, miss the things we did together. Anyone I date now would be a replacement to cope with that. nothing more. A rebound.

 

If I wait say, 1-2 years , that would be a new relationship as I would generally be interested in that person and over my ex enough.

 

Not to say a rebound isn't a good person, just my heart is with my ex still.

Edited May 16, 2015 by 10yearsgoneaway

[ByMyself01]

I think we can all differentiate rebound from baggage, everyone living and experiencing relationships carries some baggage, and certainly it's hard to find people in stellar shape to jump into a relatioship, perfection doesn't exist and everyone has at least one issue of some sort.. rebounds are very obvious (fresh wounds, last relationship ended recently and was painful and they can't handle being alone with their wounds at all and expect someone else to replace and mitigate the pain, yeah..).

 

I've never been a rebound, but once I was close to become one and stopped him on his tracks right there, I was so insulted about the idea of this guy reducing me to that person he hits on to distract himself after a serious/formal relationship that we stopped talking for years (we were close friends). I liked him but not for a relationship and I honestly thought I was worth so much more than that (still do!), and girl friends have had similar experiences so this leads me to feel a bit intrigued about people that miss all these red flags, sometimes even when they're smacking them on the face (e.g. new bf publishes a lot of heartbreak related posts on social media- why would that be?!), how do you ignore all of that and carry on? is it because you REALLY want to be in a relationship with that person at all costs? isn't there quite a bit of selfishness and denial and lack of honesty involved too? I don't know, I feel bad for people that realize this way down the road but it also gets me thinking, cause I have a hard

time seeing them as 100% used, unless they had never been in a healthy, fully committed relationship and thought someone agreeing to being a relationship was acceptable enough.

 

I agree my ex has Never been in a healthy relationship before. His first love cheated on him repeatedly and ended up have 5 more kids with different men than the one she had with him. His 2nd love was a stripper and he was the side man but he never admitted to it. He really believes it was a real relationship when she was seeing someone else while at the same time seeing him. His ex, (the one he's still in love with), girl had very low self-esteem and was buying him gifts all the time and when I met him he stressed the fact he felt like less of a man because his ex wanted to wear the pants in the relationship and be the breadwinner while showering him with gifts. As far as me, I was just the rebound and I'm still struggling with that, but it is what it is.

 

It's confusing and hurtful to find out you are place holder, or a rebound, when you were genuine with your intent to pursue a relationship. However, I feel like the advice you are giving is very contradictory.

 

If you find out you are a rebound, giving space and time will do nothing more than prolong a break-up, and you are put in the role of helping the other person get over their ex. That's not your job as the other half in a dating relationship. They need to get over it themselves, and maybe with the help of their friends. There's no need for you to continue to be used by them, since you are being used in the first place as a rebound. The space given to them should be you breaking it off because it will not amount to anything but your own hurt.

 

Your feelings rarely matter in a rebound relationship. And don't get rebound relationships confused with regular relationships. You will initially be compared to other exes, even subconsciously, in every relationship you get into, and you will compare future partners to past partners. In a normal relationship, people naturally will get to a point to where they may lose interest or find that there is not the level of compatibility they need. That's just a part of dating. I wouldn't necessarily call a 3 year relationship a rebound relationship, either. That person sounds like he had a different set of problems altogether. Rebounds usually don't last that long.

 

The big difference in a rebound relationship that separates it from a regular one is that you are being used to move on from a previous relationship. Period. This person typically will not see a future with you, and will not pursue you like one in a normal relationship. This is all about getting their fix and their needs outside of the relationship they got out of so they can move on from it easily.

 

If you want to avoid being a rebound, then just look for signs. If they talk about their previous relationship or ex within the first couple of dates, then you're a rebound. If they are too eager to to involve themselves at the beginning, then you're probably a rebound. If you know they have just gotten out of a serious relationship, then you definitely are a rebound. Within a couple of dates, these things should be apparent. Just make yourself available to read the writing on the wall if you need to.

 

Well, it's not contradictory. Giving Space means to withdraw from the relationship (I forgot to clarify on that). My problem with my ex is that I withdrew from the relationship many of times, at first he would chase me and I took that as a sign that maybe he loved me and still wanted me, but in reality I was his security blanket from not wanting to be alone. The last parts of the relationship, I would withdraw and he would let me continue to grieve about his ex that has been gone for years, but he still loves her. I'm not angry that he still loves her, I'm angry I was lied to and used.

[lop98]

Oh I wasn't talking about the ex in this case but the rebound person and how maybe they've never been in a healthy non-rebound relationship themselves to have accepted what they were offered despite the red flags (and rebound red flags tend to be pretty obvious). Of course every case is different and some are good at faking it but I don't really tend to see rebounds as poor, innocent people that were used.