ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 OK....most of yuo know my situ. Wife still works with OM. He is her direct supervisor. My wife agreed that the only contact they would have would be work related on work time untill she is able to get her promotion and get out of that office. The promotion is looking good....should be done by June...so only 1 more month of them working together. Anyways.....my wife called today and said her battery is dead. She was going to get a jump fro someone in the office. While she is still in the parking lot, OM pulls up and asks whats wrong. She needed a jump, he had cables and helped her out. I guess it was nothing more than that. No talk of "THEM". But I guess he made a comment of "I would do anything for you" or just helping my damsil in destress. Anyways....I'm kinda upset about this. The deal was NO CONTACT outside of work. I told my wife how I felt about this. She didnt think it was a big deal, all he did was help her out. I dont like the fact that HE had to be the one to help her. And she doesnt think it was a big deal..... SO....I thought...why couldnt she say. "Yes I need a jump, but I made an agreement with my husband that I would have no contact with you outside of work. So no thanks, I will ask someone else to help me" She thought that was rediculas and that it was no big deal that he helped her. Would it have been overboard for her to deny his help?...as innocent as this help was? Help me out....am I over reacting over this?. Or was this innocent help on his part and I should just let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I'm seriously not being facetious when I say this. What would Jesus do, do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 You have every right. There must have been someone else she could have gotten a jump from. Why did it have to be him. She know that she could have got it dont by someone else but she thinks she found a loop hole in the NC thing! Be mad. You have all the right in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Thumbs you are not overreacting at all. NC is NC. No matter what. She should have told him no, but probably felt uncomfortable and didn't want to hurt his feelings...Wrong choice. Who cares what he thinks/feels. You're more important and you're the husband here with the stuff to deal with. I commend her for telling you, I bet that was hard for her to do. Still she has to see the effect it is now having on you. Feel what you feel, get it out. Maybe write her a letter? It could make her see in a different way how you are feeling right now. Hang in there and try not to let the thoughts go where they shouldn't. Plan something fun again over the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Personally, I think you're making this bigger than it really is. I can understand that you made an agreement not to talk to him outside of work, but the fact still remains that she works with him so it's going to be difficult to stick to that agreement. If the story is as it is, then she didn't solicit him for any help and she didn't contact him when she needed a jump. He just happened to ride by while she was obviously having car troubles and he offered to help. It is possible that if she had said what you wanted her to say that it would have lead into further discussion that wouldn't be necessary. It's possible that, upon hearing what you suggested, he would press her for more information, he would try to determine what was occurring in your marriage and he would try to control the situation by trapping her in a conversation. Unfortunately, her car was not working so she wouldn't just be able to jump in the car and leave. In my opinion, she got a jump and she left. No drama. No unwarranted conversation that would lead to even more conversation. She took the fastest route to leaving his presence. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I think you're overreacting. What would you prefer, her sit there and wait quite some time for you to show up? It's irrational. AND, this is an isolated incident. You can't treat her like this happens all the time, because it doesn't and it won't, correct? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Personally, I think you're making this bigger than it really is. I can understand that you made an agreement not to talk to him outside of work, but the fact still remains that she works with him so it's going to be difficult to stick to that agreement. If the story is as it is, then she didn't solicit him for any help and she didn't contact him when she needed a jump. He just happened to ride by while she was obviously having car troubles and he offered to help. It is possible that if she had said what you wanted her to say that it would have lead into further discussion that wouldn't be necessary. It's possible that, upon hearing what you suggested, he would press her for more information, he would try to determine what was occurring in your marriage and he would try to control the situation by trapping her in a conversation. Unfortunately, her car was not working so she wouldn't just be able to jump in the car and leave. In my opinion, she got a jump and she left. No drama. No unwarranted conversation that would lead to even more conversation. She took the fastest route to leaving his presence. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 He just happened to ride by while she was obviously having car troubles and he offered to help. Again, she could and should have said No thanks. No contact is no contact - Even outside on work properity - Inside is different as that is a work environment. Problem is, she may not think it's a big deal, but the OM now may be thinking Okay, right on! Abit of contact...Next week I'll just walk by and strike up a convo! That can't happen and it's wrong. NC has to be stuck to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I'm seriously not being facetious when I say this. What would Jesus do, do you think? Jesus livied his life as a servant....and if he had jumper cables he would help anyone who needed it. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 The deal was NO CONTACT outside of work. You're trying to get her on this technicality. She needed her car jumped, she got it. She left. If nothing happened, I really don't see what the big deal is? Did he come onto her? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay Jesus livied his life as a servant....and if he had jumper cables he would help anyone who needed it. So I'm saying, would he have refused someone's help because they had wronged him? I'm thinkin', no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 BO, Tiki and Pocky, what if YOU were in my situ, but you were the betrayed spouse. Your husband was the one who cheated on you with someone he works with. You have an agreement of NO CONTACT, other than business. Then he tells you, hey, my EX OW had car problems and I helped her out today. I jumped her car for her. What would you feel? Would you think of this as no big deal?. Or would you, deep down inside, have a tought of...."I dont f***in care if her battery was dead, your not suppose to be incontact with her". Would you have NO qualms about this at all?....not even a little? I guess its too hard to describe what the BS feels....as innocent as this may seem....its still was a trigger for me..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 You're trying to get her on this technicality. She needed her car jumped, she got it. She left. If nothing happened, I really don't see what the big deal is? Did he come onto her? I'll reword when I am meaning here... In her mind, no big deal...That is fine. But now she has to acknowledge Thumbs pain and what thoughts jumped into his head. She has to just understand his feelings, where his trust is for her and what it does to him knowing that the OM was even around her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 TMW- You didn't insist that she quit the job in the beginning- that was problem #1 as I see it. The fact that he is her direct supervisor makes it worse because she is in daily contact with him. I think for her to accept a jump from him isn't any worse than working with him everyday. If she is going to continue in that position until she is promoted then she will have to have contact with him. I'm just glad she could get jumped off and didn't have to sit there for hours waiting on someone to help her. I understand the reasons why this may have hurt you- but you're making it bigger than it is. Also, she could have lied about it and she didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Again, she could and should have said No thanks. No contact is no contact - Even outside on work property - Inside is different as that is a work environment. Problem is, she may not think it's a big deal, but the OM now may be thinking Okay, right on! Abit of contact...Next week I'll just walk by and strike up a convo! That can't happen and it's wrong. NC has to be stuck to. And what if there is a fire in the building and he tries to help her get out of the office? Should she tell him that she can't accept his help because her husband said there was to be no contact and no contact means no contact regardless of the situation? This was an emergency. She works with this man. If you want NC then make her quit her job and move some place else. To expect that the minute she walks out the door she'll be able to never have any contact with him is unrealistic. She didn't pursue this contact with him. She didn't go looking for him. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I'm sorry that you're hurting. But you know what??? If I was the BS and my H helped his ex OW because she was stuck, or going to be stranded...then why would I be mad??? Geeze I would hope (if he's a decent guy) he should help the poor woman! But you're pissed he helped *her*??!?! She didn't help him! Make your situations comparable THEN decide how you'd feel. Would you want ANYONE leaving your wife stranded? No, of course you wouldn't!! This man did you both a favor. And on top of that, why do you think he got off on being helpful? Or are you just jumping to conclusions, honestly? It kills me to see people that think it's like you did HIM a favor by allowing him to HELP your wife. He didn't have to do squat! And if he came onto her, that's a whole different story! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 He's still allowed to feel what he feels. Alot of trust was broken and rebroken again... Maybe if this had happened in 6 more months then it really would not be a big deal. Trust is fragile right now. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter So I'm saying, would he have refused someone's help because they had wronged him? I'm thinkin', no. dont want to turn this into a religious debate....but your anology of the OM and Jesus is rediculus My wife wasnt sukin Jesus' dick..... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay My wife wasnt sukin Jesus' dick..... True dat! TMW, I don't know your full story, I just know you're a BS. Sorry. Don't listen to me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 And what if there is a fire in the building and he tries to help her get out of the office? Should she tell him that she can't accept his help because her husband said there was to be no contact and no contact means no contact regardless of the situation? This was an emergency. She works with this man. If you want NC then make her quit her job and move some place else. To expect that the minute she walks out the door she'll be able to never have any contact with him is unrealistic. She didn't pursue this contact with him. She didn't go looking for him. Geez pocky! Apples and oranges there. Don't be silly eh! LOL!, Come on, OFCOURSE if there was a flippin' fire in the building that changes it all...I highly compare that situation to a boost! Thing is, he knew no contact. He knows to stay away. If he really wanted to help, he could have asked somebody else in office to go and help her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by tiki But you're pissed he helped *her*??!?! She didn't help him! Or are you just jumping to conclusions, honestly? I am not pissed that he helped her....more upset that she accepted it from HIM......there are many other people in the office that could have helped And yes...I do feel I am over reacting, but I am just feeling a little anxiety over what seems to be no big deal.....just being conscious of my feelings...as minut as they may seem..... Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 what if YOU were in my situ, but you were the betrayed spouse. I'm a STBXBH, and I'd be pissed. I agree with whoever else said it, she should have quit her job. Promotion be damned. Yes, it's a big price to pay, but that's what life is about -- consequences to one's actions. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. No contact should mean no contact. Period, full stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie TMW- You didn't insist that she quit the job in the beginning- that was problem #1 as I see it. The fact that he is her direct supervisor makes it worse because she is in daily contact with him. This is true...and this is what we decided. We knew it would be tuff for both of us. And this little situ proves it. ya know....maybe I am over reacting....I dunno....f***in rollercoasters... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 She should have to find another job just based on the grounds of the affair that she commited while with you. That's reason enough for me! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 So did he come onto her at all? Link to post Share on other sites
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