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Why do people in relationships choose cheating as a way to leave their bf/gf???

MsRockstar

By MsRockstar
in General Relationship Discussion

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MsRockstar New Member

MsRockstar

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Hello I'm new here so I don't know much about this site other then the fact that it gives good advice about relationships.

 

 

I have read stories about how people were cheated on or how people cheat on their lovers; then there's stories on how bfs/gfs cheat on their lover because they weren't happy or they wanted to experience new things so they wanted out.

 

I wonder why do people use cheating as a way/accuse to leave their partners when the option to just walk away faithful was there too. I hope the question wasn't confusing.

 

I would like to hear from people that was either cheated on or was/is the cheater, or anyone that has an opinion on what they think the reason is. This is just out of curiosity so there are no wrong answers, just everyones opinion based on experience or logic.

  • Like 1
petit_souris Member

petit_souris

Posted
Posted

Assuming they want to leave (as opposed to cheating and staying in their relationship)...I think it's a mixture of emotional immaturity, undecissiveness (too bad to stay, too good to leave sort of thing), cowardice (afraid to face their partner; the affair could make them feel more sure of themselves because they have been confirmed by someone else and thus they find the power to confront), fear to be on their own for a while (they aren't sure they will find someone else soon enough and want an easy transition), the power of the example (a lot of people seem to choose this way out, lately...as opposed to 'doing the right thing'), selfishness... and who knows what else...

  • Like 3
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

I do think its a case of grass is greener syndrome...my ex said he knew he stuffed up......i also think with my ex.....he got caught in extravagance..... a lady who was divorced had no children living with her......owns her own place...has money ....and his life with me was hard.....we struggled to make ends meet,five kids......rent and school costs......then my boys hit teenage years and got into trouble...life was really hard.....and there was this life beckoning him.......booze yachts parties sex with a normal person......so he got trapped in it..so he cut us all loose...in every way....financially emotionally physically.........we were the little dinghy compared to his yacht...left us smack bang in the middle of a stormy night, i had no control over the boat never been a captain before of the dinghy and i had mutiny aboard.....i had always listened and followed orders...........but i sailed that beaten up dinghy away.......made a sail out of old socks......:0)......

 

who knows why people leave others....boredom....grass is greener..... lack of maturity as another poster said.....all that matters really is what you do with the life you are given.......and if you live your life thinking about what others have done to you and why...you miss out on a very important time......your time...and what you have of it left..you will figure out the answer in your own time in your heart you will know...i prayed a lot for peace and strength....and when you do figure it out...if you are living your life ......it wont seem so important anymore because you look back and go crap did i survive that ....look how far i have come.....best wishes....deb

  • Like 3
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Hello I'm new here so I don't know much about this site other then the fact that it gives good advice about relationships.

 

 

I have read stories about how people were cheated on or how people cheat on their lovers; then there's stories on how bfs/gfs cheat on their lover because they weren't happy or they wanted to experience new things so they wanted out.

 

I wonder why do people use cheating as a way/accuse to leave their partners when the option to just walk away faithful was there too. I hope the question wasn't confusing.

 

I would like to hear from people that was either cheated on or was/is the cheater, or anyone that has an opinion on what they think the reason is. This is just out of curiosity so there are no wrong answers, just everyones opinion based on experience or logic.

 

The "exit affair" happens when one partner has decided they want to leave the relationship, but for any of a number of reasons, don't want to be the "bad guy" who tells their partner it's over. So they try to get their partner to pull the plug by engaging in behaviour that their partner will consider a deal-breaker, provoking the partner into ending the relationship. Or, they want a "soft landing" - another relationship to help them transition out of the outgrown relationship, which they might keep or might dump once they've exited the vestigial relationship.

 

Reasons for not being direct about ending the relationship can include fearing conflict, recognising that their partner is way more invested in the relationship than they are and wanting to get their partner to recognise that the relationship has run its course, lacking the emotional vocabulary to say "it's over" in a clear, direct, mature way, feeling trapped (by kids, finances, social circumstances etc), not wanting to be seen as the bad guy, etc.

 

And sometimes the partner is so clingy or so deep in denial they cannot accept that the relationship is over until the evidence is in their face that they've been supplanted.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

I think it's rarely really cut and dried and there are tons of mixed emotions involved. Toss in the oftentimes irresistible power and pull of sex and desire and sometimes it's bscly impossible it won't happen.

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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Posted

Because they are weak.

davidromero43 Established Member

davidromero43

Posted
Posted

It is best to find a new job, when you have a job.

 

Maybe they are just too stupid to understand that only works for jobs?

FusionCutter Established Member

FusionCutter

Posted
Posted
It is best to find a new job, when you have a job.

 

Maybe they are just too stupid to understand that only works for jobs?

 

Ideally. Most Human beings are inherently selfish. They don't want to let go of one branch before grabbing another.

 

The honorable thing to do is to breakup any relationship before pursuing another. But people would rather choose the "safe" route out and hurt people.

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

Many years ago when I was a young thing... I had a boyfriend. I couldn't get rid of him no matter how hard I tried. I even went down the route of screaming F OFF in his face but no, next day he was back being as nice as ever. He was like bloody sticky tape when you get it all wrapped round your fingers while trying to wrap a present... When I asked him why he turned up he said he thought I was joking the day before and did I fancy going to such and such a pub for a drink? I was stuck.

 

I went out with his aunt and sister one night and grabbed hold of some poor random guy, practically ate his face and was kicked out of the club for "obscene" behaviour with him... Poor sod looked shocked but happy... Their response? Don't worry we won't tell him we like you better... Bangs head against wall...

 

Eventually I went away for a month and remained out of contact... It worked in the end. Sometimes you just can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try to shake them off.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

It may seem antithetical but choice and multiple attraction potentials provide a quite palpable power base. Once the choice is made, putting all eggs into one potential basket, power can be diminished. Of course, the perception of power is individual. What may seem powerful to one person may seem impotent to another or irrelevant to another. We each process the dynamics in our own fashion.

 

In my demographic, at least when I was younger and in the reproductive phase, it was common for women to start new relationships, or at least suss out their potentials, while still married or in a LTR and, unfortunately, led to my becoming entangled in what I later described as transitory affairs or parallel emotional entanglements. In some cases, the relationships were completely undisclosed and, in others, there was a 'separation' or 'breakup' in progress. Of course, none of this was easily verified.

 

The common denominator in nearly all instances I experienced which might find traction in this topic was the statement by the parties that 'I can't be alone'. While I still struggle to understand how people can have such a pronounced fear of being alone, I've come to accept it as one potential reason for relationship overlap and exit affairs and similar. Fear is a potent motivator, often overcoming boundaries and standards of behavior. It can be pervasive or situational. In affair cases, once the situation is resolved and the person feels secure in their new relationship, the fear subsides. Ultimately, IMO, it comes down to individual psychology. With billions of us around, there's a lot of variables and I've only seen a few specs of sand on that beach.

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hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

Posted
Posted

They dont want a gap between dating people. Look at the break up section of ls. Its hard to go from being in a relationship to all of a sudden not being in one. Cheaters see the end coming and shield themselves from this.

 

Its like a frog jumping from one lily to another. Or a monkey that wont jump until it sees another branch.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

I think I was the "exit affair" that happened with my last FWB...

 

Eh, but then again, not the first time I got with an "involved" guy - then he ended up leaving the BS...So, maybe it's something about "me" (can you smell the arrogance of this post?)

 

But, sometimes I'm not sure if it is "chicken v egg" type of thing. I mean, not sure if the affair gave them the push they needed, or they never contemplated cheating and/or having an affair on their SO, but by fate or something they stumbled into an affair (like todreaminblue's situation), got a taste of something "different" then realized that they weren't happy in their RL and now want out.

 

So, like others said - it depends....It could have been GIGS, an exit affair, not wanting to leave until they knew they had "someone" to move to.

 

Also, I could be that they had no intention of leaving the BS and/or hurting the BS but got "caught" and had to make a decision (stay with the OW/OM or return to the BS).

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
I do think its a case of grass is greener syndrome...my ex said he knew he stuffed up......i also think with my ex.....he got caught in extravagance..... a lady who was divorced had no children living with her......owns her own place...has money ....and his life with me was hard.....we struggled to make ends meet,five kids......rent and school costs......then my boys hit teenage years and got into trouble...life was really hard.....and there was this life beckoning him.......booze yachts parties sex with a normal person......so he got trapped in it..so he cut us all loose...in every way....financially emotionally physically.........we were the little dinghy compared to his yacht...left us smack bang in the middle of a stormy night, i had no control over the boat never been a captain before of the dinghy and i had mutiny aboard.....i had always listened and followed orders...........but i sailed that beaten up dinghy away.......made a sail out of old socks......:0)......

 

who knows why people leave others....boredom....grass is greener..... lack of maturity as another poster said.....all that matters really is what you do with the life you are given.......and if you live your life thinking about what others have done to you and why...you miss out on a very important time......your time...and what you have of it left..you will figure out the answer in your own time in your heart you will know...i prayed a lot for peace and strength....and when you do figure it out...if you are living your life ......it wont seem so important anymore because you look back and go crap did i survive that ....look how far i have come.....best wishes....deb

 

And I hate guys like your ex and/or guys who step out on their kids and marriage cuz they wanna "play"...I mean, they think they're "escaping" from responsibilities and realities of life, only to make the situation worst and neglect their kids.

 

A woman I knew, her son left his wife and 2/3 kids to get with a woman with 2/3 kids...go figure. So now, he has to probably go to court for child support and visitation issues and his kids get to see him raise some strange women's kids....nice, what a classy guy.

 

The guy with like 3/4 kids that was married and I told to "get lost"? From what I saw and the scuttlebutt the old/nosy lady next door told me, they met in college, got hitched soon afterwards and now have all these kids. He works like 3 odd jobs, never got his career started, she quit working, her dad pays for their cheap little condo, he drives a beater car, and she barely is home. The kids stay with her parents in another state and she spends most of her time there, comes to "visit" her husband and when she's there and he comes home like 1-3AM, they are arguing and I'm trying to get sleep to go to work...

 

Then, he has the audacity to try to get with me? Pleeze. You set up that miserable situation yourself and who are "you" to want to walk away from it all just to get your rocks off with me? That's why I told him to get lost. Some nerve of people. At what point did he figure out that he and his wife couldn't afford kids? I mean, she was preggo (again) with like the 3rd/4th kid!!!

 

So yea, when I get into an affair with a dude, I have no intention of breaking up any families...and, I can get where they're with me to get what they're not getting at home and that's nothing new. Men have been doing that for ages, they have the "fun" girl on the side and go home to boring and uninvolved/interested wifey.

 

So, I can't stand the ones who wanna abandon their families just to "play" - especially when they set themselves up in the situation that they are so desperate to flee from. Also, when they "flee" it just makes the situation worst...the kids gotta "visit" and fights for child support start. Just stay with your woman, visit the OW, and come back refreshed and ready/willing to handle life's challenges (or your screwed up situation) w/o abandoning your family.

 

So there you go people...more insight into Krazy Gloria25's mentality - which is rare and odd to say the least :laugh:;)

Friskyone4u Established Member

Friskyone4u

Posted
Posted

I don't think they actually think through it and decide to have an exit affair. The conditions in the relationship and opportunity make them more prone not to resist the temptation that is there for everyone but who most do resist .

Then when they get caught the AP becomes the greatest thing ever and the so called "love" makes it impossible to stop . Then the BS has had enough, hence the term exit affair . If you are unhappy enough easy to do and convince yourself

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I think there's more than one reason, none of them very good. The old friend of mine I knew well used to never leave a man until she had another. She wasn't destitute and could always have gone home to her parents, but I still think it was partially financial.

 

Another friend didn't leave her husband until she found a replacement online, and that turned out to be a really stupid move because she jumped right into that relationship before she knew how screwed up this guy was. Her reason for doing it is codependence. She has abandonment issues, and she doesn't like to ever be alone. She's a nice woman, but she really needs to learn to not always need to have someone, because she puts up with too much to keep from being alone.

 

And then of course, a lot of men just want variety sex, so they go looking for that. Their relationship going bad is their excuse to do what they really want to do anyway.

 

It's for all different reasons, but most of them are not valid in this day and age.

SSM3 Established Member

SSM3

Posted
Posted

I have been having an affair for about one month now. My partner has no idea of what has been going on.

 

It has happened quite unexpectedly and I wasn't really prepared for it but I was looking for an escape route out as I have been unhappy for some time now. My partner has picked up on how cold I have been with her and so uninterested in being with her. We have had a chat this week and have decided to split up, after nearly 13 years of being together. I wasn't making her happy, and she wasn't making me happy.

 

On one hand I am upset that I am losing a very good friend, but that's all we are now; friends. On the other hand, I have a huge weight off my shoulders and I am now looking forward to the rest of my life and getting to know my AP (who will soon have a new title :p) and letting this relationship blossom. I am now totally re-focused.

 

It has not been a nice 5 or 6 months though and I have been really upset. My tears were shed months ago when I knew the relationship was over.

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MsRockstar New Member

MsRockstar

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Assuming they want to leave (as opposed to cheating and staying in their relationship)...I think it's a mixture of emotional immaturity, undecissiveness (too bad to stay, too good to leave sort of thing), cowardice (afraid to face their partner; the affair could make them feel more sure of themselves because they have been confirmed by someone else and thus they find the power to confront), fear to be on their own for a while (they aren't sure they will find someone else soon enough and want an easy transition), the power of the example (a lot of people seem to choose this way out, lately...as opposed to 'doing the right thing'), selfishness... and who knows what else...

 

Thank you for replying to this thread. When you put it that way I can understand why certain people would want to choose the easy way out. Of course what I have learned is that their judgement or better yet their choice was based on either fear, curiosity, anger, etc. so there are moments where they don't think carefully about what they are doing until it is too late or they prefer to go through one thing just to avoid the other. If I miss something please feel free to help me understand.

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MsRockstar New Member

MsRockstar

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Posted
I have been having an affair for about one month now. My partner has no idea of what has been going on.

 

It has happened quite unexpectedly and I wasn't really prepared for it but I was looking for an escape route out as I have been unhappy for some time now. My partner has picked up on how cold I have been with her and so uninterested in being with her. We have had a chat this week and have decided to split up, after nearly 13 years of being together. I wasn't making her happy, and she wasn't making me happy.

 

On one hand I am upset that I am losing a very good friend, but that's all we are now; friends. On the other hand, I have a huge weight off my shoulders and I am now looking forward to the rest of my life and getting to know my AP (who will soon have a new title :p) and letting this relationship blossom. I am now totally re-focused.

 

It has not been a nice 5 or 6 months though and I have been really upset. My tears were shed months ago when I knew the relationship was over.

 

 

I am sorry you have went through that and I hope you regain a positive friendship with your ex. I understand it wasn't easy ending things but still it was better than living a life where both of you are not happy. I'm glad you have someone to be with despite everything and I hope this is something you can look back on and say it was for the best. Thank you for sharing your story. But I do have one question. Have you ever had a time throughout your affair where you look at what you did and the possibility of your ex and think to yourself "what is more worst?" Lying to her and continuing the relationship being unhappy, telling her and risk losing her as a friend, or agree to part ways and continue your life finding someone else?

 

Please forgive me if the question is too much for it is not my intent to open up wounds.

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MsRockstar New Member

MsRockstar

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I would like to thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experience for it has helped me understand differently. I'm young and not yet experienced in relationships so I can't say I understand the pain, happiness and sadness of both sides and because of that I fear of ever going into a relationship. My fear is dealing with heartbreak and not knowing how to handle it or how the other partner would feel if something were to happen. Right now all I can say is that if I ever had the choice to either leave my partner (if I had one) or cheat, I would choose to leave. I will be broke and sad and probably depress but I rather go through that pain then cause someone else pain due to my selfishness.

 

I would like to thank the people who have ever been cheated on/have cheated for sharing your side, I can understand that it wasn't easy sharing but I hope your story can help others who have been betrayed or have thought about falling into the cheater zone. Just remember as long as you learned or cope with what happened then you are strong enough to face anything (easier said than done I know).

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
Thank you for replying to this thread. When you put it that way I can understand why certain people would want to choose the easy way out. Of course what I have learned is that their judgement or better yet their choice was based on either fear, curiosity, anger, etc. so there are moments where they don't think carefully about what they are doing until it is too late or they prefer to go through one thing just to avoid the other. If I miss something please feel free to help me understand.

 

It is usually in a person's best interests to choose an easy way out of any situation.

Leaving a partner especially a long term partner is scary. Most know what it feels like to have no-one in their lives, it is depressing, it is sad, it is lonely and it is a horrible place to be.

There is also the fear that if they leave, there will NEVER again be anyone, to love to cherish and to have sex with.

 

Exit cheating is just lining up a new partner, whilst in the safe environment of a relationship, so that all that hurt and sadness and loneliness of the split is lessened or non-existent, and the fear of never being able to attract anyone else EVER, is gone.

The new partner may or may not be long term material, but their main function primarily is to bridge the gap and make sure the cheater is not lonely when leaving his/her relationship.

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SSM3 Established Member

SSM3

Posted
Posted
I am sorry you have went through that and I hope you regain a positive friendship with your ex. I understand it wasn't easy ending things but still it was better than living a life where both of you are not happy. I'm glad you have someone to be with despite everything and I hope this is something you can look back on and say it was for the best. Thank you for sharing your story. But I do have one question. Have you ever had a time throughout your affair where you look at what you did and the possibility of your ex and think to yourself "what is more worst?" Lying to her and continuing the relationship being unhappy, telling her and risk losing her as a friend, or agree to part ways and continue your life finding someone else?

 

Please forgive me if the question is too much for it is not my intent to open up wounds.

 

We are positive and will stay friends should/if/when we meet anytime. We never really argued during our relationship and we have have no hatred towards each other. We tried, but in the end we wanted different things and forgot to focus on the most important thing in the relationship; each-other!

 

During my affair I never really thought about how to end it, but wanted to.

ltjg45 Established Member

ltjg45

Posted
Posted (edited)
It is best to find a new job, when you have a job.

 

Maybe they are just too stupid to understand that only works for jobs?

 

After reading this, that does make me think about it a little bit.

 

Something tells me that it may have some truth to this.

 

I remember a few male posters here stating how much female attention they get when they are married or, at the least, wearing a wedding ring but yet when they aren't wearing one, there isn't any woman showing any attention towards them.

 

That is definitely the case for me. I don't remember, at any time, any woman that has shown clear cut interest in me. Seems like all of the women around me is either friendly towards me and nothing else or is 50/50 towards me and not worth embarrassing themselves to get my attention. But I couldn't help but to wonder what would happen if I do get married one day? If I actually get clear cut interest then.....

 

Women typically prefers a guy that other women has approved on, which makes some sort of sense to me. By proving to other women that you have got a woman, he has a easier chance of getting another woman and it has shown to work, despite what I have read here hence how the "cheating" begins.

Edited by ltjg45
nick1966 New Member

nick1966

Posted
Posted

My girlfriend cheats with my full consent. We are in a one sided open relationship & I remain faitful to her by choice. We have a very loving open and honest relationship without jealousy. We have been together for 3 years and in the last 6 months since starting this open relationship, she had dated quite a few guys and had sex with two of them. The most recent one is now her regular lover. In my view it is not the unfaithfulness that destroys relationships. It is jealousy, lying and the feeling of being owned by your partner. In our day to day lives we can love any number of children, siblings or friends without it diluting the love for each of them. But we are expected to love only one spouse. This does not work for everyone.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

Allowing your partner the liberty to explore and fulfill her sexuality that way, if it's her thing, is an amazingly generous thing to do. Bravo to you sir. :)

 

Did she first bring up the idea or you? It's interesting that it can come from either side - sometimes women never would have dreamed of it but when the idea's brought up it appeals, and other times women really want just exactly that but have to summon the courage to share their desires with their partner.

 

When both parties are fully invested in that arrangement - either thru native mutual interest or being convinced of the merits - it's pretty great. :)

 

That's pretty far from cheating to get out of a relationship tho ....instead it's cheating to maintain it.

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