basshunter Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I met X online through a dating website. I realised that she was a larger lady from her pictures but we got chatting and she was so witty and clever that we arranged a date. When I met her she was even larger than her picture suggested but we had a great night and agreed to meet up again. But I've realised that her weight is a problem and it's not completely aesthetic. She isn't ashamed of her weight, nor should she be, she has fully embraced the 'big is beautiful' mindset but unfortunately we can't partake in any physical activities, even going for a long walk is out of the question and our time together has lead to a simple case of me calling over, watching a movie and going to bed or heading out to bar or restaurant. It's not just this aspect of physical activity that is a problem. Our sex life suffers too as there is only so much she can do in bed, so much so that I can predict exactly what's going to happen in the sack. I realise that I'm selfish for leading her on like this for the last 9 months but only have because I really enjoy her company as a person. I've wasted her time and mine all because I felt like I HAD to be in a relationship at that time. On the other hand I don't want to be on my own again, but you can't have your cake and eat it. I realise that there is no way that I can come out of this monologue in any kind of positive light as the blame for this lies squarely on my shoulders. This is an admission of guilt and I urge others not to make the same mistakes that I have and get involved in a relationship that will ultimately end up in a negative outcome with both parties getting hurt unnecessarily. Anyone else reading this post will call it common sense but the desire to simply be in a relationship especially when you're getting older for the sake of it or because of desperation simply isn't worth it. Despite all of the above I have been a good boyfriend. I've been attentive, affectionate and we have never argued or snapped at each other. But it is inevitable I need to end this relationship and I don't know how. I'm a coward and I can't tell her that I'm leaving her because of her appearance (I'm not exactly an oil painting myself for the record). I care about her and don't want her to be torn up as she really cares about me. I'd be interested to hear any thoughts on how I can call this off and I fully realise I've been a prick and a fool before people reiterate the fact. She deserves to be with someone who can fully appreciate her for who she is.
OneBigIdgit Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 honesty is always best. unless it isn't. If you are a good enough communicator, tell her the truth in a gentile, honest manner. If she isn't interested in starting a routine that would work her into better shape to do the activities that couples normally enjoy, then you shouldn't have to restrict your lifestyle to her limited ability. If you love her, and if she is willing to make at least some effort, then work with her.
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You can just be honest that you don't think she is "the one" for your future. Wish her well and move on. 2
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Why not try to cook together and exercise together? If there are no other major issues aside from her size, and you say you get along well, it seems a shame to give up on her. Perhaps helping her adapt to a healthier lifestyle could be a good bonding experience for you two. 1
minime13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Don't make it about her appearance or weight. The issues you are giving have to do with wanting different things, it seems. Let her know these are issues to you, and you don't feel the two of you are compatible because of these differences (because you aren't). You both want different things out of a relationship, and would be better off finding a better match that is more compatible. 2
Author basshunter Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Thanks for replying people in a constructive manner She is unwilling to change her ways and I am not going to try and force her as it is not my place to do so. Whenever I'm over I cook with her, but then I get sent pictures in WhatsApp of how she's 'slipped' with a bar of chocolate there and also on Facebook so it completely defeats the purpose. I should add that she was the same size 10 years ago so I've come to accept that she won't change because she doesn't want to. Its is true that I don't have to make this about her weight because it is down to us wanting to do different things, but when it comes down to it I can't say 'We want different things'. 'What do you mean?'. 'I want a more active lifestyle and get out there and do stuff together'. So yes, we do want different things, but when it comes to crunch time if I say that it effectively means 'I'm leaving you because you're out of shape'. So I'm back at square one. Edited May 14, 2015 by basshunter
dangerbang Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 God, she sounds gross. I couldn't go out with someone like that. Let alone sex. Ewww. Run like hell man.
Diezel Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Just tell her that it's not working out. It's better you do this now than continue. She's never going to turn it around with your help. She needs to do it on her own and she clearly doesn't want to. So do the two of you a favor and just end it now.
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 God, she sounds gross. I couldn't go out with someone like that. Let alone sex. Ewww. Run like hell man. That is just offensive, there is no excuse for that. His lady is witty and clever, not the same could be said about your response. Ugh! 1
Author basshunter Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) God, she sounds gross. I couldn't go out with someone like that. Let alone sex. Ewww. Run like hell man. Thanks for your insightful comments. I've found it helpful, sensitive and quite deep. I think I'll mull over this for a while... You're right Diezel, it isn't working out and I could say that to her, but when she questions me further I have to give a valid reason, she deserves it. This is what I'm stuck on. Edited May 14, 2015 by basshunter 1
guest569 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Is it purely because of her size? You dated her in the first place and were OK with it, I would say that it just isn't working out for you and you have lost interest. You're saying you want to do different activities, she can't even go for a walk. Sex is predictable and boring. As for how to breakup, sooner rather than later. That you are different people and it just doesn't feel right for you. I don't know what more you could say. I don't think "sorry, you're too fat" will go down well, particularly when she was fat 9 months ago.
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 There is no good way to break up a relationship that has not reached a crisis event or an obvious break up point, she IS going to be very hurt, unless she is not feeling it either. "Sorry, but I do not think we are compatible, we are basically very different people. I do not feel you are "the one" for me, and thus this relationship cannot continue any longer, as that would be unfair on you. I really need to go and be single again for a while." Or words to that effect. DO NOT mention fat, obesity, being unfit or the sex.
mightycpa Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Thanks for your insightful comments. I've found it helpful, sensitive and quite deep. I think I'll mull over this for a while... You're right Diezel, it isn't working out and I could say that to her, but when she questions me further I have to give a valid reason, she deserves it. This is what I'm stuck on. Tell her that you like to exercise a lot, and you want a woman who can do that with you. Explain that sitting around on a couch after eating is not who you want to be for the long haul. You can say it without saying it.
Diezel Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You're right Diezel, it isn't working out and I could say that to her, but when she questions me further I have to give a valid reason, she deserves it. This is what I'm stuck on. You would be doing her absolutely no favors by giving her 100% the truth. You know that, right? TRUST ME, she's gotten the hint by now... and instead of joining your world, she has you coming into hers. The least explicit you can be about it being her weight and lifestyle, the better.
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