Married and seeing someone else

May 14, 2015

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

May 14, 2015

Do I do?

Confess to your husband. And don't rationalize that you "deserve it" because DH hasn't met your needs.

You made the choice and you should tell your husband before he figures it out on his own.

May 14, 2015

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

The justification that all cheats use:

"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

It's not about your husband.

It's about you.

Leave your husband out of it.

You're doing it because you want to.

May 14, 2015

I don't think you've gone too far down the rabbit hole yet, but your headed that way. The fact that you are still in love with your husband means there is still hope. You still have time to right your wrong. It appears you love your husband but you resent him and resentment can be toxic.

If you truly are in love with your husband, give him one last opportunity to fix his part in this. Let him know your not happy and you NEED changes. Maybe if you mention separation or divorce it may get his attention. Based on your post, it seems like your husband is extremely busy trying to provide a nice life for you and your kiddos. It doesn't sound like he is intentionally dismissing your needs. Then again, what do I know.

On the other hand, good luck fighting off the urge to see the OM. Seeing him is a "fix" and as time goes on and feelings get stronger, the addiction to him will become harder and harder to resist. If you really want to stop, stop now. Take it from someone that didn't. Don't turn into me.

May 14, 2015

You yourself have described your husband in a fairly positive light...minus..you want more romance. In essence..you have thrown out the baby with the bath water.

Have you ever reconstructed your needs so that you could have them met without destroying your marriage/family?

Have you tried IC, to help you find healthy ways to get what "needs" you feel are lacking? What if you gave the romance instead of the one getting it? Would that not have instilled romance into the relationship? Don't both parties enjoy the romance regardless of which one "set it up"?

You will have to decide if your hard-working, great dad husband is worth the extra effort....or let someone else. (FYI....don't be surprised if he has a lineup).

May 14, 2015

The phrase "I'm in love with my husband/wife" is definitely misused a lot by those who have affairs. You don't understand what being in love is then.

May 14, 2015

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

If you are asking this board what to do....stop. Tell OM it was great and all but time to end it before it gets REALLY bad.

You won't of course.

So my advice is to read this forum. Go back a page or two and simply read the stories posted by others. What do you think is the theme / main idea across the stories?

Then go to the infidelity section and read there (but don't post - just read). What do you think is the theme / main idea there?

Still wish to continue? Fair enough. I would take some prudent steps before continuing:

1) Find a good IC in your area

2) Find a good MC in your area

3) Find a good family counselor (for your kids) in your area.

4) Find a good D lawyer in your area.

No, no need to setup up appointments just yet...just have the names in case you need them.

AS far as your H meeting your needs...aside from "communicating"...what ACTIONS did you take to get that romance? (Beside the A of course)

What ACTIONS can you take to IMPROVE your M and your life?

May 14, 2015

I don't think you've gone too far down the rabbit hole yet, but your headed that way. The fact that you are still in love with your husband means there is still hope. You still have time to right your wrong. It appears you love your husband but you resent him and resentment can be toxic.

If you truly are in love with your husband, give him one last opportunity to fix his part in this. Let him know your not happy and you NEED changes. Maybe if you mention separation or divorce it may get his attention. Based on your post, it seems like your husband is extremely busy trying to provide a nice life for you and your kiddos. It doesn't sound like he is intentionally dismissing your needs. Then again, what do I know.

On the other hand, good luck fighting off the urge to see the OM. Seeing him is a "fix" and as time goes on and feelings get stronger, the addiction to him will become harder and harder to resist. If you really want to stop, stop now. Take it from someone that didn't. Don't turn into me.

^^^^^This is great advice and I completely agree. I also developed strong resentment towards my H prior my A. I got extremely deep into my A to the extent we were future faking. My anger towards my H continued to grow. You need to stop now. The A will change you in time. Your problems in your marriage will only get worse.

I'm not going to beat you up about feeling justified. I also felt justified in having my A. It took a D Day, time, and therapy for me to truly see things clearly.

May 14, 2015

Listen to other people here, Your h seems a good person and good husband, he did not do anything to deserve that way you are treating him. Stop what you are doing. Stop cheating. You will not get anything from this cheating beside cheating. One day you may get STD. Nothing good will come from this cheating because the other man loves his wife. He is only cheating because you are available. stop cheating. I am sure you have now good intention maybe you know that you are wrong and this is the reason you are here. You know what is wrong and right. It is not too late. It is time to change. Good luck

May 14, 2015

You need to read some stories on here to see how bad things will get when your husband finds out ,be heartbreak for all involved .Its your kids who will suffer the most . Stop been so selfish and start to try to fix your marriage .When you get caught out , everyone will know how you behaved ,your husband will even want to DNA your kids because thats what the betrayal will do to him , he wont be able to trust a word you say anymore .

Edited May 14, 2015 by irishguy

May 14, 2015

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

First of all, you listen to advice. You're asking.

We're giving it.

The people 'talking' to you on this forum, know. they just know.

So you are receiving solid, well-lived, knowledgeable advice.

Nobody's judging what you're doing, because we've seen it countless times. It's not judgement, it's experience. It's fact.

so please, listen. Because they know.

And if you're asking for advice, and everyone has said pretty much, more-or-less, the same thing... well... there's a clue there.... Right?

Secondly, quit putting all the responsibility of being romantic, re-lighting the spark, doing the lovey stuff, onto your H.

You're married too, remember?

it is as much your responsibility, as it is his, to maintain, nurture and keep that spark from going out.

Have you kept yourself looking good, trim, attractive and 'original' for him?

Remember who he fell in love with?

Remember what you did? how you dressed? How good it made you feel, to make him feel good?

Having young kids may be a reason, but it's not an excuse.

Build your lives with the children in it, not around them.

Thirdly - never, ever but EVER mix business with pleasure.

Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

This guy makes you feel a million dollars.

But with a bit of dedication, work and commitment, on both sides, your H can do the same. And you, to him.

Remember that word, "commitment"...?

That was the vow you took.

Think about that for a minute, before this goes too far down the drain....

May 14, 2015

"We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids."

yeah, well if my wife was bk in fothing...i would not sleep with her either?

WTH are you talking about???

May 14, 2015

"We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids."

yeah, well if my wife was bk in fothing...i would not sleep with her either?

WTH are you talking about???

Yes, I wondered too... "Back in clothing"...?

May 14, 2015

"We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids."

yeah, well if my wife was bk in fothing...i would not sleep with her either?

WTH are you talking about???

I read it as she sleeps with the kids, back & forth from her bed to kids bed...

To the OP, in addition to what everyone else has said, are you truly attracted to OM or just attracted to the attention? Once you add in "real life", that attention will decrease as well.

May 14, 2015

I would ask that you think of the consequences of your affair being discovered.

Namely :

Seeing your kids part time

Distabilising their lives

The damage to your reputation (being called a slut /whore etc)

Loss of respect from family /friends /colleagues

I don't know if your OM is married, but if all is exposed he'll likely ditch you and you loose H and him.

You don't cheat on a man you're truly in love with. The longer you stay in, the higher the chances of getting busted and when your world comes crashing down, you'll ask yourself why you risked it all for a bit on the side.

Your being selfish and if you want to carry on, discuss an open marriage with your H. Maybe he would be happy to have sex with another woman too.

I think you have too much at stake to be doing this, so think long and hard about the consequences.

May 14, 2015

I thought she meant back and forth. The autocwreckt on my Kindle does terrible things, too!!

May 14, 2015

These things almost always get found out, no matter how clever the efforts to conceal them.

Eventually the husbands gut feelings will kick in, and then its lots of pain for everyone concerned.

Edited May 14, 2015 by Satu

May 14, 2015

We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. ...

What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

Seems to me one half of the forum women would give their right arm to get such a fine man and the other half (like the OP here) are throwing men like this away like they are garbage.

May 14, 2015

"....Don't it always seem to go

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone...."

May 14, 2015

I feel very bad for your H, if you leave him you'd be smart not to marry new mr wonderful. Because when the butterfly's and roses turn into dirty dishes, dirty clothes and bills, you can dump him for the next guy and more butterfly's and roses. Makes it much easier when you're not married! Also I'm sure your 4 children will be so happy you've been romanticized by an other man besides their father, I'm sure they'll understand!

May 14, 2015

Well here I am Married 10 yrs but together 12 years. We have 4 kids and are what a lot of ppl would consider a dream couple. We rarely argue and almost never fight. He's a great dad, provider and friend. We share everything but over time the romance has fizzled and is pretty near dead. DH is verything you would love in a husband less romantic. Since we had kids (BTW 4 in 6 years) we have been tired and worn as one might expect. We stopped sleeping in the same bed as a result of having to be bk in fothing with sleeping with kids. That evolved to me sleeping alone over maybe 4 or 5 years now. Anyway I met someone through professional circles and in about 2 weeks I found myself talking with him all the time. Loving his company and needless to say I have fallen fast n hard into him. He compliments me. He makes me feel attractive and sexy. He romanticizes me and pays attention to me. I am so attracted to him its crazy. I have been with him 3 times and been wanting to make that 4. I am still I'm love with DH but I feel almost justified to be doing this since I have represented my concerns over time and not really seen amy improvement. What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family. Its absolutely crazy the point at which I have found myself but I feel happy and very excited to see other guy and we've just been crazy about each other. I know I shd stop before it all crashes but I am so loving this.. what. Do I do?

You say you've got a good man and yet some guy who throws you compliments like confetti makes you feel special and it's that simple to risk tearing apart your husband and family for some guy who has no problem cheating with a married woman with four young children.

I doubt you'd do this, but how about telling the OM you're going to tell your husband about him, name and address, and that you'll be wanting to move in with him with your 4 children. Be prepared for the confetti compliments to stop raining down and the sound of a speeding car and a cloud of exhaust fumes as he races away.

I hope you wake up and look into your mirror and look into your husband and children's eyes and snap out of the path you're going down.

May 14, 2015

crazy or bad,

At this time you are choosing to divorce and end your marriage. You need to face the fact that you may have already so damaged your marriage that you are going to be alone, a single mother, or actually trying to see if your AP wants you. (I think you will find he will not, as sex on the side is nice, but I bet you, he will not want a relationship)

The only path I see for you is to tell you husband everything. Who, how did you meet, how did it lead to sex, how many times have you had sex with him, and HOPEFULLY how YOU ended it and went NOS. Answer all his questions fully.

You then need to let HIM decide if he wants to give you a second chance. This is out of your control, you need to accept that. But only when you have done the above, and HE has found the strength and love to try and forgive you, can you then start working on your marriage, and it will be hard work. If he does not, then you will be divorced.

You have hurt your husband, your kids and yourself to yours, and their very souls. This will color your marriage for the rest of your life. Be prepared and accept the consequences of your actions. Your husband may forgive you, but he will never be able to forget what you have done. I wish you and your husband luck, and I hope your Kids come out of this OK. People can make mistakes, but when you make them you must face them and take actions to stop and fix the damage. You are not a evil or bad person, you know you are in the wrong, but you have to work to overcome what you have done. You can make the first step, tell your AP it is over today. Tell him not to contact you ever.

374378380382384

May 14, 2015

(I have a sneaking suspicion this is one of those threads where the OP comes in, dumps, sees the replies then leaves without a word. I suspect this isn't what she expected at all. A mix, maybe, but a totally unanimous view on the madness therein? I think the OP may have cut and run....)

May 14, 2015

There's lots in your post about what he is/isn't doing to make your marriage better for you, but what about the things that you are/aren't doing to make your marriage better for him?

It sound like you can't be that tired of have that little spare time if you have enough of it free to go and be with someone else.

What is your husband doing while you are running around with the other man?

Who is looking after your kids?

May 14, 2015

." What hurts tho is that he spends so little time romancing because he's always working on ways to improve on what we have and to make us all more comfortable as a family"

How often have you actually turned down any of the good stuff your husband has earned

ie no thanks lets not bother with that holiday (new car nice clothes stuff for the kids paying the bills mortgage etc)

How long will the other guy be mr wonderfull when your kids are around.

The truth is life is hard a lot of people shirk their responsibilities, not your man though he's a real man, husband and father the real deal.

All he needs now is a grown up wife.

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