lil hoodlum Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I have been dating someone for a little over three months now. I am not feeling it anymore and do not want to continue to see her. She is a good woman hasn't done anything terrible (i.e. dealbreakers). If I have to be honest she is pushy and too clingy to my liking. Example, she actually gets upset with me if I would rather do something that does not involve her. She also told me she loves me the second week of meeting me, I wish I could extend the same sentiments but I can't. Like for example I am tired from work and just want to stay home for the evening. I want one or two nights a week to just stay in for the evening to unwind and relax. I want to be honest with her but not too honest that she feels like something is wrong with her. I don't want to give the lame usual, it's not you it's me cliches. How to politely tell someone that I have had a change of heart and do not want to continue seeing her?
Simon Phoenix Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Be direct without being insulting and definitely do not offer friendship or anything like that. There's no good way to break up with someone, so you might as well be as to the point as you can. 2
Jimmyjackson Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 There is no good way. Just be honest and tell her you have lost interest in her. 1
Satu Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You could tell her exactly what you've told us. There's nothing offensive or demeaning in what you've said. 1
Author lil hoodlum Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I do plan on being honest with her, I just don't want to be some heartless SOB. As I said, she is a good woman, has a heart of gold, and would nearly do anything for me. And I do not want to be "friends" or string her along. And for the record, there isn't anyone else that I have been chatting with or seeing. I just feel that we aren't compatible anymore and that she would be happy with someone else who is more available to her. She deserves to have someone who can reciprocrate her feelings. I am just not the man for her. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I do plan on being honest with her, I just don't want to be some heartless SOB. As I said, she is a good woman, has a heart of gold, and would nearly do anything for me. And I do not want to be "friends" or string her along. And for the record, there isn't anyone else that I have been chatting with or seeing. I just feel that we aren't compatible anymore and that she would be happy with someone else who is more available to her. She deserves to have someone who can reciprocrate her feelings. I am just not the man for her. I'd leave the bolded out. I know it sounds like you are being nice and gracious, but it's more likely to cause confusion and cause her to ask what she needs to do to make you reciprocate. No sugarcoating, just be honest and brief without being insulting. 1
brokengirl85 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I have been dating someone for a little over three months now. I am not feeling it anymore and do not want to continue to see her. She is a good woman hasn't done anything terrible (i.e. dealbreakers). If I have to be honest she is pushy and too clingy to my liking. Example, she actually gets upset with me if I would rather do something that does not involve her. She also told me she loves me the second week of meeting me, I wish I could extend the same sentiments but I can't. Like for example I am tired from work and just want to stay home for the evening. I want one or two nights a week to just stay in for the evening to unwind and relax. I want to be honest with her but not too honest that she feels like something is wrong with her. I don't want to give the lame usual, it's not you it's me cliches. How to politely tell someone that I have had a change of heart and do not want to continue seeing her? It looks like she is somehow clingy and needy and that is a turn off for sure. My thought is you'll dump her but then you'll miss her, and the circle goes on. If she hadn't done anything horrible and her only fault is wanting to be with you, you should try to think why you don't want to be with her. When you get your answer, go tell her the truth. It's seems to me you don't actually know why you're breaking up with her. Good luck with that
Author lil hoodlum Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 It looks like she is somehow clingy and needy and that is a turn off for sure. My thought is you'll dump her but then you'll miss her, and the circle goes on. If she hadn't done anything horrible and her only fault is wanting to be with you, you should try to think why you don't want to be with her. When you get your answer, go tell her the truth. It's seems to me you don't actually know why you're breaking up with her. Good luck with that Thank you for your thoughts. The circle won't go on. I am not interested in dating her anymore. Do I need to have a reason for why I no longer want to date someone other than I have a change of heart?
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You have only been together 6 months. No one likes rejection but if you know its not what you want dont drag it out because that is very hard for the OP. Be sure its what you want. Don't be one of those guys who keeps coming back because it is not right.
sober and dry Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Personally I see a change of heart as very strange and probably not the whole truth... Maybe, in retrospective, you could evaluate why you have chosen to be with her at the first place. Either way you seem to have already decided so, I agree with the rest of the advices, just stay true and be honest, don't be condescend or go for cliches. I would prefer the cold hard truth, but it's just who I'm. Edited May 14, 2015 by sober and dry
Author lil hoodlum Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Maybe I should clarify. We have been dating for 3 months. I do not multidate. So she is the only one that I have been dating. She wants way more than I am willing and able to give her at this point. I have had several talks with her about not smoothering me. She just doesn't seem to understand. She wants to stay constantly connected to me through out the day. I can't just do that all of the time. I have a job and actually have to work ya know. In the evenings, she wants all of my time to be spent with her. Even if I tell her I am staying in for the evening she wants to spend the next 2 or 3 hours talking on the phone. I feel that she is needy and insecure and I have tried my best to be patient with her but feel that she is who she is and it's not likely she is going to change. So yes, I have had a change of heart and no longer want to continue seeing her.
brokengirl85 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Thank you for your thoughts. The circle won't go on. I am not interested in dating her anymore. Do I need to have a reason for why I no longer want to date someone other than I have a change of heart? No, you're free to decide. Tell her the truth. And wish her the best. I think this will be a tough one, specially if she's fallen in love after two weeks of dating wow. Just be firm and let her know that there's no possibility of getting back together. That will keep her calm.
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Maybe I should clarify. We have been dating for 3 months. I do not multidate. So she is the only one that I have been dating. She wants way more than I am willing and able to give her at this point. I have had several talks with her about not smoothering me. She just doesn't seem to understand. She wants to stay constantly connected to me through out the day. I can't just do that all of the time. I have a job and actually have to work ya know. In the evenings, she wants all of my time to be spent with her. Even if I tell her I am staying in for the evening she wants to spend the next 2 or 3 hours talking on the phone. I feel that she is needy and insecure and I have tried my best to be patient with her but feel that she is who she is and it's not likely she is going to change. So yes, I have had a change of heart and no longer want to continue seeing her. She should date my ex lol. He would constantly text me when we were apart. Email me during work. After working all day he'd want to talk for hours. Everything he did he wanted me to do. It was exhausting. At least you recognise it for what it is and have the balls to say this isnt going to work. Good for you
sober and dry Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 So your heart didn't change, you are just finding out how she truly is and you are not liking it. That's very common fall out and a real reason
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I want to add also that you are kind of doing her a favour. You can't give her what she needs from a partner. She wont change. She will always have these expectations of a partner. If you did stay together you would both end up unhappy. She will always be wanting more and speaking as someone who has been in this situation...I would keep trying and trying. Keep giving. But it was never enough. And i started to resent him for it. And for the fact that he couldnt just accept me as I am. Your not a bad person. You're a smart person for knowing this so soon.
minime13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I just feel that we aren't compatible anymore and that she would be happy with someone else who is more available to her. She deserves to have someone who can reciprocrate her feelings. I am just not the man for her. Tell her that. Please don't mention any of the things you posted in your original post about those things that you have noticed that annoy you, now that you realize she's not the one for you. That's what would make you an SOB. Also, gushing about how wonderful she is before breaking it off will also make you an SOB. Just tell her the truth and say you are both just not right for each other, as neutrally as possible.
Author lil hoodlum Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I want to add also that you are kind of doing her a favour. You can't give her what she needs from a partner. She wont change. She will always have these expectations of a partner. If you did stay together you would both end up unhappy. She will always be wanting more and speaking as someone who has been in this situation...I would keep trying and trying. Keep giving. But it was never enough. And i started to resent him for it. And for the fact that he couldnt just accept me as I am. Your not a bad person. You're a smart person for knowing this so soon. Yes, you understand what I am talking about and dealing with. I keep giving and trying but it's not enough. I want someone to be part of my life not my life.
joseb Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Maybe I should clarify. We have been dating for 3 months. I do not multidate. So she is the only one that I have been dating. She wants way more than I am willing and able to give her at this point. I have had several talks with her about not smoothering me. She just doesn't seem to understand. She wants to stay constantly connected to me through out the day. I can't just do that all of the time. I have a job and actually have to work ya know. In the evenings, she wants all of my time to be spent with her. Even if I tell her I am staying in for the evening she wants to spend the next 2 or 3 hours talking on the phone. This would drive me nuts too. Was she always like this, and you didnt noticed it /mind it or has she gotten worse?
aloneinaz Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Breaking up with someone is like terminating an employee. It should be short, sweet and to the point. You only dated her for 3 months. Be honest and tell her your not feeling the connection you need and wish her luck in the future. You dont owe her an hour conversation explaining in excruciating detail why you feel this way. I dated a girl for a couple of months off and on a couple of years ago. OMG did she have bags of issues. I told her on a phone conversation I was moving on w/out her in my life in a nice way. She pestered me for a week wanting to know WHY I didn't want to go out w/her anymore. She finally pissed me off on a Facebook IM. So, I told her bluntly about all her "issues" that she needed to work on if she wanted a guy to stick around for her. I was nice but VERY HONEST.. She did thank me for sharing though a friend saw her on a dating site last week. So, people don't change..
Hawaii51 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You could tell her exactly what you've told us. There's nothing offensive or demeaning in what you've said. Unless he prints this out and gives it to her, there's no way he'll get out all those words with a woman who fell in love in two weeks.
candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 let her know beforehand that you want to break up - as in write a text or an email. This will help you put your ideas in order and give you a thin red thread for your story. If she insists to meet up, after that, you can, but it's always better - IMHO - to not drop the bomb face to face, or she might lose it. I think there are high chances that she'll lose it anyway, but at least you won't be there for the big blow. A bit embarrassing for both herself and you. When and if you do, make sure to stay gracious, answer all of her questions, and if you see that she is going round in circles, stop the conversation, reiterate your points, say you are sorry that it did not work out and then leave. best of luck!!! it's an ugly job, but someone has to do it cheers
BC1980 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I think you should just tell her you don't feel as committed as her. It's hard to say the truth without hurting her feelings. It's going to hurt no matter what because the fact is that feelings aren't reciprocated. I think you can be truthful but also be kind and gentle with it.
tylerj Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) I think you should just tell her you don't feel as committed as her. It's hard to say the truth without hurting her feelings. It's going to hurt no matter what because the fact is that feelings aren't reciprocated. I think you can be truthful but also be kind and gentle with it. Yes, this is the best way to put it, as it is honest and respectful/ As a dumpee who has been told very wishy washy things twice before (and once very recently), I found the vagueness very difficult to deal with. Edited May 14, 2015 by tylerj
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