kismetkismet Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 But I know it might be too late. I was with my boyfriend for 1.5 yrs (he's 31, i'm 29) and I broke up with him about 2 months ago. We actually got along really well and had tons of fun together, had tons in common - both simultatiously nerdy and outdoors/like to party, the sex was spectacular - we had weirdly similar kinks etc. etc etc. But I felt like he wasn't prioritizing me, and I he has emotional issues (which he admits to) that make it difficult for him to be emotionally vulnerable.. also he hates planning anything at all or thinking about the future, which made me feel unstable. And the lack of planning meant we didn't do all that much sometimes. I didn't do a very good job of explaining how unhappy I was.. I'd told him a bit a few times, but never let on that I'd considered leaving. I wasn't even really considering it seriously... but then one morning we were both really hungover and tried to have a conversation about it, and I ended up just walking out and blanking him. At the time I was kind of proud of myself for not accepting less than what I needed.. But lately I don't know if I put up enough of a fight or gave him enough of a chance. About a month ago we met up so I could get my things and he bawled his eyes out saying how much he loved me and hadn't wanted me to leave, wished that I hadn't, wished we were still together. But also didn't say he wanted to get back together because he felt like it would be too much pressure. We ended up spending the night together/sleeping together and having an amazing amazing time. After that he kept messaging me and finding reasons to talk to me and was still clearly upset about the breakup.. And i had to tell him that we needed real space because It was making it impossible to move on and that we couldn't just keep the good bits of the relationship - that it's a package deal.. that was 2.5 weeks ago. But recently two of my best friends have been going through breakups, where they are putting their all into saving things. When their relationships were much rockier and worse off than mine... And I wonder if I just walked too easily.. 2 months on in the breakup and I still love him, cry every day, and think about him constantly.. I just feel like I took what we had for granted.. i forgot how hard it is to meet people that I truly connect with and to build something like that. I don't want to just reach out and message him randomly not knowing what i want to say because I don't think that's fair to him. I don't even know if he would be willing to work on things if we did.. But this is killing me... I just wish we could have made it work!
OneBigIdgit Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 it sounds like you had a relationship where many things were right. I think you realize how difficult that is to find. While you are questioning your decision to leave the relationship, ask yourself that if you were back in with things just like they were, would the problems of before bother you just as much? Two people must talk! Guys don't take HINTS! Subtle hints, loud intrusive hints! Guys don't notice them. You ladies have to spell it out to us. Do it in a calm rationale manner and you'll get results. Point out what is lacking and if the guy cares, attempts will be made to do better. 2
brokengirl85 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 If you broke up with him, it was for a valid reason. Now you feel lonely and desperate and you're second guessing your decision. I don't know what to say to you honestly. I don't think it's a good idea to break up with someone and then regret it and want him back. Let the poor guy alone and find someone else. It's called a breakup because it's broken 1
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You honestly sound a lot like my ex. He would have things about the RS he wasnt happy with. To me they were pretty small things. I used to find it very annoying that he made such a big deal about these things. I mean no RS is perfect right. I've never understood why people look for a perfect RS. To me it doesnt exist. You will meet someone and think they are great and as the RS goes on things come up you might not be 100% happy about. But hey they are not you. They are a whole other person. Eg. You say his lack of planning was an issue cos you wouldn't do much. Well why didnt you go out with a friend or something. You probably did the right thing. I bet if you got back together in 6 months or a year you'd be breaking it off again for the same reasons.
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You also say you have friends who are fighting for the RS and they have big problems. Thats the difference between you and them and its a huge one. They are willing to fight for. You just discard it.
imbax Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Am I wrong to think that with all relationships unless there is a deal breaker like cheating or other similar issues, most problems can be worked on and fixed with time or tolerated. When the dumper chooses to walk out, they don't want to fix or try anymore suggesting that the love isn't as strong as it was. No relationship is perfect in my eyes but there are varying levels of compatibilities. My ex on the other hand did not believe in this and walked out on me with no major issues. This has led me to believe there are two type of people in this world: 1. People who are willing to stay and fight the problems 2. People who leave when they bump into problems The latter (option 2) in 2015 is becoming more and more common. 1
foolinlove79 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Am I wrong to think that with all relationships unless there is a deal breaker like cheating or other similar issues, most problems can be worked on and fixed with time or tolerated. When the dumper chooses to walk out, they don't want to fix or try anymore suggesting that the love isn't as strong as it was. No relationship is perfect in my eyes but there are varying levels of compatibilities. My ex on the other hand did not believe in this and walked out on me with no major issues. This has led me to believe there are two type of people in this world: 1. People who are willing to stay and fight the problems 2. People who leave when they bump into problems The latter (option 2) in 2015 is becoming more and more common. I 100% agree with you. Inevitably issues will arise. And i dont mean cheating etc. I just mean we dont talk as much as id like or we dont go out enough. Just issues. But its like people today think they meet someone and go through that honeymoon phase and it will always be like that. Well it wont. I get pissed with my ex cos he would always tell me he loved me and then come up with all these petty reasons to leave. So to me that is not love. Sticking it out through the hard times seems like love to me. My parents have been married 50 years and my mum told me a lot of the issues you have in an RS are never resolved. You either accept them or compromise on them or try to work on them. But ultimately they are always there. Today people just up and leave and its **** 1
minime13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 People break up for the right reasons sometimes. Other times, it's for the wrong reasons. Love and relationships are not as simple as "if you broke up, it was probably for the right reasons." It's just not. If there are reasons that you left, valid reasons that you don't feel you can accept in the relationship, then it was probably a break up for the right reason. You can never expect or demand another person change in a relationship, and if there's a deal breaker in there, then it won't work. If you want to try again, you have to be willing and able to accept the issues that you previously saw, and feel that they are not enough to sever the relationship. You can't go into it expecting him to change. If you can do this, then maybe it is worth salvaging. People can make mistakes. They can end a relationship prematurely, then look back and realize it was a mistake. If this is what you feel, and you honestly believe that you can accept any problems you had (or constructively work on them with your ex) without expecting this man to change for you, then you need to let him know that. You can tell him you did make a mistake, and your time apart let you see that clearly. You can tell him that you feel that the issues you had are not enough to throw the relationship away. You broke it off, so you will have to be the one to fight to get him back. He may want to get back together, and he may not. If he doesn't, then accept this and move on. If you do want him back, make sure that you are completely sure of this before you act. Otherwise, you're just jerking him around and that's cruel. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I gave up because I felt like he wasn't willing to fight for me or to work on the issues we were having.. but now I realize in retrospect that I may not have communicated my issues and their severity properly... In ALL of my previous relationships I stayed far longer than i should have, allowed myself to be treated poorly, convinced myself that all relationships had rough patches and that we could work through them... and then felt stupid and shredded in the end. I think in this situation I may have overcorrected and left too soon... But maybe it was the right response.. just executed to soon. I don't think I would have been able to go on the way we were forever. They weren't small things... I felt pushed out and rejected, unappreciated... So I can't very well go back to him now and apologize for leaving but ask HIM to change, even though I would offer to change things myself that needed working on as well.. I just wish that I'd tried to sort them out sooner and communicated better.
aloneinaz Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 If you broke up with him, it was for a valid reason. Now you feel lonely and desperate and you're second guessing your decision. It's called a breakup because it's broken This^^ You've spent some time alone. As mentioned, you're lonely, horny and are now worried you will spend more time alone and are very concerned that you may not find someone else you will connect with anytime soon. Dating can suck. You have to try out lots of folks to find one you may or may not be compatible with long term. It's the classic "dumpers remorse" syndrome. The grass may not be greener so they selfishly try and go back to what was familiar and comfortable, even if there were issues. This is especially true after the dumper has been alone for a few months or had a short rebound relationship that sucked. The sad part is the dumpee usually gets jerked around and has round two of heart break when the dumper DUMPS them again when all the same things reappear that caused the first break up. I was lucky. My ex came back after me 6 months after we ended. You know what's classic? She had just ended a 2 month rebound relationship that was terrible. You know what she heard? "Um yea, no thanks. I'll stay with my current GF who loves me".. Personally, you need to suck it up and deal with how you're feeling. You dumped the guy for the reasons you felt justified. Now, you need to navigate thru the fall out of your emotions and find your next BF. Leave the guy alone and find someone else who really rocks your world in all areas. 2
dave_1966 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 All I would say is this, with every day that passes any chance of reconciliation with this guy will diminish as it dawns on him that he doesn't have to tolerate this level of bs in his life. He obviously loved you, but you're bleeding every last ounce of it with every day that passes. 2
David87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You dumped him, you weren't happy, just leave it be....its not fare to play with peoples feelings like this....let the poor guy move on....initiate NC and move on. 2
dave_1966 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You dumped him, you weren't happy, just leave it be....its not fare to play with peoples feelings like this....let the poor guy move on....initiate NC and move on. Also, look at the thread title. I MIGHT want him back. Actually, I hope this guy has the strength to kick her in to the long grass and move on with someone new. She's out to hurt for her own selfish needs. 1
David87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 The guy doesnt have the strength to do that.....it's up to her to leave him alone and to start the healing process......
dangerbang Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Yeah, forgive yourself, and forget about him. He'll be doing just fine so you need to get your life moving forward. You wouldn't have broken up if it was the real deal, let's face it. Don't settle for anything less than you want. 1
hunk Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Don't ask for advice about this here. Do what you feel like is best for you. Think about your relationship - really think about it. The behavior he was displaying isn't deal breaking stuff, especially if you guys get along as well as you claim to. Did you tell him his behavior was upsetting you? Was he aware he was hurting you? Are you still in love with him? You guys sound very compatible and I feel like that is the what people talk about when they talk about giving up on someone else. True compatibility is ridiculously hard to find - yeah ok, there were things about him that you didn't like or you wanted to change. I'm sure if he knew how badly this was affecting you he would've done something to fix it. I dunno, from what you've posted here it sounds like you've walked out on something that was actually pretty good. Only you really know the answer to this though. If your gut is telling you you've made a mistake you need to contact him and really communicate. If you're just feeling lonely then you need to ride out the feeling and understand it's just loneliness and not you actually missing your relationship and him. You'll figure it out. Do what is going to make you happy - there doesn't sound like there were any red flags in your relationship, you haven't fallen out of love with him and i'm assuming you're still very attracted to him, and you get along well.. I wouldn't be listening to people who just tell you to move on and leave him alone. Normally that's the perfect advice but this situation feels different to me... 2
ByMyself01 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Why are people in this thread acting like breakups don't happen to people who realize they still love eachother? Most people who have been in long term relationships hit a bump some time during that period. It's called "no one is perfect and everybody makes mistakes."
brokengirl85 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Breakups happen and people make mistakes. What is not right is to play with someone else's feelings. Now you want him, now you don't. The relationship wasn't working for you, so you dumped him. Now you are lonely and sad and start thinking "hey it was not that bad after all, I miss him" but you can't do whatever you want all the time. Deal with the consequences. The poor guy must have been suffering all this time and he's probably starting to feel better. Let him alone. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I do really appreciate everyone's input! I didn't break up with him out of any Grass is Greener situation... I HATE dating, and i don't like casual sex.. it takes me a long time to get close to people, and I knew that breaking up with him would crush me. I just don't think I was seeing things clearly when we were together. I thought I was letting him know what I was feeling because I find it extremely hard to be emotionally vulnerable.. but looking back, and based on what he's said I really don't think that I was. I'm not trying to jerk him around, he knows i still love him - or at least a few weeks ago he did. And It's not that I didn't want him.. I thought he didn't want me enough, or wasn't as serious about the relationship as I was.. But now, based on our more recent conversation I wonder if it was a communication issue stemming from our conflicting emotional complexes. We are both terrible at being emotionally vulnerable and expressing our feelings, so I don't know if either of us ever knew the full story. BLURG.
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