anna121 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 You have to balance his words with his actions. He said he agreed, but he ALSO said you two should see how it goes. He didn't kiss or hug you, didn't make plans for the next get-together and is not texting you now. If he was heartbroken about the break-up he would be over the moon and you would be back together. You are not. Will you be at some point? Perhaps. But if he wanted to be with you right now, he WOULD.
anna121 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Dumpers do this all the time. He's setting you up as a safety net while he adjusts to the breakup. Breaking up is scary and he wants you there so he doesn't feel so at risk. I know this is probably sounding crazy to you, but you'd be shocked at how un-unique your situation is. Dumpers WANT you in their life. They offer friendship. They offer "take it slow". They don't want to come out and say "I'm breaking up and it's permanent and we're never getting back together." She dumped him first. But I agree that he could be considered in the "dumper" position since she asked for another chance.
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 The point is... regardless of HIS thought process, you're not furthering your cause by staying in his life as an option. You're delaying YOUR healing.... while keeping him from missing you enough to reconsider. Right now, you're in Survival Mode -- hold on at all costs. But this is really the worst thing you can do in this situation.
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 She dumped him first. But I agree that he could be considered in the "dumper" position since she asked for another chance. Oh yeah -- he's the dumper now. She's trying to fight her way back in and he's not having it at this point.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I'm just thinking.. what if he's scared to let me back in? Apparently, he was physically ill the night that I broke up with him. The next time we spoke which was when I initially told him I don't want things to end, he told me he cannot go through that pain again and it's better for us to be friends. Then I went NC since I couldn't be friends. Then the other conversation happened. I know I hurt him really badly. I also know that he's thrown himself into work and has taken on extra projects, etc. in the past couple of weeks which is why he's so busy now. I kind of think he wants to be sure that I will not ever fly off the handle like that again and do anything of the sort. I don't blame him but I don't know how to show him this?
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When someone tells you they just want to be friends.... you really need to hear that. He's not afraid of getting hurt. He's afraid of hurting you. Anyhow, best of luck with this -- I hope it works out the way you hope!
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Thanks Ruby! I hear what you're saying. I know this could go nowhere and I'd end up getting even more hurt.. but I guess it's something that I just have to do. I just can't walk away without the knowledge that I really did everything I could possibly do.. I really, really hope it works out!!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Him not replying to you is a big indicator of where his head is at. He considers this a break-up and is trying to get you to see it that way too. He needs space. Stop trying to contact him for a little while. It's clear he doesn't want to keep up the light banter and you not taking the hint isn't going to end well for you. Don't text him or call him. I think that even though you ended it, he wasn't happy. When he told you he was tired of all the drama, I would interpret that to mean it wasn't going well anyway. You said you'd been arguing before the break-up - what about?
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Him not replying to you is a big indicator of where his head is at. He considers this a break-up and is trying to get you to see it that way too. He needs space. Stop trying to contact him for a little while. It's clear he doesn't want to keep up the light banter and you not taking the hint isn't going to end well for you. Don't text him or call him. I think that even though you ended it, he wasn't happy. When he told you he was tired of all the drama, I would interpret that to mean it wasn't going well anyway. You said you'd been arguing before the break-up - what about? Hi Expat, The thing is, this is literally the first time he's not replied to a text since the breakup. Prior to this, he would even initiate contact and only stopped when I asked him to give me space for a while when I went NC. When we spoke after the NC period, he was genuinely delighted to hear from me and almost proud of himself for giving me the space I needed (he said something to that effect). That's why I'm thinking maybe he just genuinely is that busy and maybe I shouldn't panic? Before, this we had stupid fights and arguments mostly because of bad timing for both of us. When he was free, I wasn't and when I was free, he wasn't and we ended up not meeting each other as often as we'd like for a while and lashing out at each other. Also, a lot of miscommunication because of text conversations. They were all resolved though and honestly, nothing was a deal breaker as such for either of us but the constant silly fights and arguments took a toll on both of us. The last fight was because I felt he had withdrawn from me and he kept saying he hasn't he's just busy and it just escalated. Badly!! But when we spoke last Wednesday and discussed the relationship and everything, he really seemed to be in agreement with everything I said, and said he wants to see how things go. He didn't say he wants to be friends permanently and no more than that. Do you think maybe he just wants a period of no drama, hassle free 'friendship' to kind of go back to how we used to be?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hi Expat, The thing is, this is literally the first time he's not replied to a text since the breakup. Prior to this, he would even initiate contact and only stopped when I asked him to give me space for a while when I went NC. When we spoke after the NC period, he was genuinely delighted to hear from me and almost proud of himself for giving me the space I needed (he said something to that effect). That's why I'm thinking maybe he just genuinely is that busy and maybe I shouldn't panic? Before, this we had stupid fights and arguments mostly because of bad timing for both of us. When he was free, I wasn't and when I was free, he wasn't and we ended up not meeting each other as often as we'd like for a while and lashing out at each other. Also, a lot of miscommunication because of text conversations. They were all resolved though and honestly, nothing was a deal breaker as such for either of us but the constant silly fights and arguments took a toll on both of us. The last fight was because I felt he had withdrawn from me and he kept saying he hasn't he's just busy and it just escalated. Badly!! But when we spoke last Wednesday and discussed the relationship and everything, he really seemed to be in agreement with everything I said, and said he wants to see how things go. He didn't say he wants to be friends permanently and no more than that. Do you think maybe he just wants a period of no drama, hassle free 'friendship' to kind of go back to how we used to be? How have you had a no contact period if this argument happened only a couple weeks ago? (If I read your initial post correctly, this is a very recent split) I think he wants to be left alone for now. Just because he's never ignored your texts before doesn't mean he feels the same way presently. And I don't think he's looking for your friendship right now; he knows you still want him back and I think he probably doesn't want to hurt you by giving you the impression that a reconciliation is in the cards at this time. Even if he is considering it, you texting him before he responds isn't going to help you. He didn't jump at the chance to get back together after you apologized. That is a big sign he isn't ready to consider it yet.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Hi Expat, Sorry, when I said NC, I didn't mean the 30 days or 60 days that everyone does. The NC was for 1 week, more of a cool off period for me so I could get my emotions together and not go nuts on him. You are probably right. I don't want to push him away further so I'll have to wait for him to get in touch with me.. if he does. I know one of his main issues with me was that I am very impatient in general and it drove him nuts that I couldn't let things be. Not just with us but with life in general. Guess I'll have to work on that and show him I can be patient when required. I really, really hope he does come around and this is not the end of the road for us. Honestly, had there been major issues, I wouldn't fight for it but I feel like this is just such a waste of something that has great potential.
aloneinaz Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 You are probably right. I don't want to push him away further so I'll have to wait for him to get in touch with me.. if he does. But you're doing exactly that. I posted earlier in this thread "dont smother him" and you've contacted him at least twice since then. You need to take a breath, calm down and LEAVE HIM ALONE. I would NOT contact him again. You are smothering him and turning him off which is why he ignored your last text. There's not much you can do but sit back and see if you hear from him sometime in the future. You need to give him a chance to miss you.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Yeah.. the first time was okay, he was normal. The second time was unfortunately alcohol influenced and a very bad move. Giving him his space now.. I guess I'm so scared that I am panicking and it's causing me to do the opposite of what I should be doing. I also know that I am the kind of person who forgives easily and I don't hold grudges or anything, against anyone. It's just who I am. As I said, I'm impatient and I push and push to sort things out or make decisions asap but I shouldn't expect that from him. In fact, I know he's the opposite in that sense. He likes to take his time and kind of tackle one thing at a time. I won't contact him until he reaches out to me. If nothing has changed in the next week, I'll be back on this forum and I'll ask you guys for advice..
anna121 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I kind of think he wants to be sure that I will not ever fly off the handle like that again and do anything of the sort. I don't blame him but I don't know how to show him this? How can you be sure that it won't happen again? Unless you have a good answer to that - and it has to be better than "I just won't" - I'm not sure how you will convince him.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 How can you be sure that it won't happen again? Unless you have a good answer to that - and it has to be better than "I just won't" - I'm not sure how you will convince him. Honestly, all I can do is work on myself and learn to control my emotions. It starts with not freaking out on him right now regardless of what happens and has to go further. Emotional outbursts like that don't happen very often with me but yes, they do happen and it's never good. I really don't know how I can show him that I am trying though.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Hmm okay so he got in touch. We talked for 15 min or so, just chit chat and catching up.. no mention of the relationship talk at all and he said let's meet up next week sometime. Is this a good sign?
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Sorry just bumping this. I honestly seem to have lost my ability to judge what's going on so really need help..
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hmm okay so he got in touch. We talked for 15 min or so, just chit chat and catching up.. no mention of the relationship talk at all and he said let's meet up next week sometime. Is this a good sign? It appears positive; however, be careful not to get your hopes up. Sometimes people want to meet not to reconcile but just to see that familiar face. Sometimes they're looking for closure. Keep an open mind but don't necessarily assume you're going to be a couple again. My ex and I parted ways after almost 8 years together. More than once after the break-up he wanted to see me and have dinner. (This break-up was largely initiated by him) That's really all there was to it. He never mentioned getting back together and the meals were just friendly banter. That was more than 3 years ago now, and we have both moved on and are no longer in touch. I'm telling you this not to dash your hopes, but just to prepare you in case this a friendly gesture from him instead of a romantic one. Keep us posted.
Author JS1981 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Hi Expat, I'm almost sure there won't be a reconciliation when I see him next week, I think he just wants to hang out. I know this guy; he said he wants to take it slow and see how things go and he's going to stick to that even if it kills him!! Not only is he extremely stubborn, I think he also wants to 'teach me a lesson' when it comes to patience. Overall though, I'm going to take it as a good sign that he is initiating contact and wants to hang out. I'll give it a few months and if nothing, then I guess I have my answer. I think for the kind of person that I am, healing while in touch with him would definitely be slower but also less painful..
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