JS1981 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hello! I am new to this forum but have been reading a lot of posts and you guys seem great and I could really use some unbiased advice. My ex bf and I were together for just over a year but got into some stupid fights in the last 2-3 months. This kept happening and in a particularly bad one a week ago which was about us not spending enough time together (initiated by me), I got so angry I told him it's over and then he said it. We didn't really talk after that except for one brief text conversation where he said he loves me but thinks it's all gotten too much and he has too much on his plate right now and cannot deal with the drama. He said I am his best friend and he hoped we could still be friends. I told him I don't want to break up but if he does, I will respect that but I cannot be just a friend as I have strong feelings for him so I asked him for time which he said he understands but doesn't want to lose me in his life. I ran into him today and we ended up having coffee and spent a couple of hours together and it was really, really good. I couldn't help myself so I told him I feel that we broke up over really stupid things and we had no issues that were deal breakers as such in our relationship and while I do understand that we do have issues that need work and I fully accept responsibility for losing it during our last fight, I just feel like we are throwing away something really amazing. He said I agree so I thought great, we are getting back together but then he said let's see how things go. We parted on great terms - he did not try to be physical or suggestive at all so I don't think he's looking for a FWB. What do I do with this? Sorry I duplicated this as am getting no response in second chances and am a bit desperate
geronimo Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey, in my opinion what you did initially by respecting his decision to break up and not contacting was good. You should have and should from now on stick to that. From what i have heard and seen, people only realize what they have once they lose it and he has to get the sense that he has lost something good with you. The only way to do that is for you to be ok with the breakup and move on (even if you're just pretending to do so). This will give you a boost and will make him realize and he will come back begging. Now the situation can go either way, sometimes people have someone else lined up and thats why they pull the trigger on their relationship to go pursue this new person. So beaware of that, I hope things work out in your favour. Just don't contact him unless he contacts you first and is willing to give your relationship another go, cuz even if he isn't looking for FWB, just you being there for him always will give him that much needed ego boost. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Thanks a lot for responding. I am 99% sure there is no other person and this is just about what happened between us. I did agree to be friendly and to see how things go though so I can't really back off now. Except afterwards I realized I wasn't entirely sure what he means by that. As in, I guess he wants to be friends and rebuild our rapport before getting back together? I don't entirely get it. I don't think not staying in touch will help me at this point though. I am not a believer in games and all that, it's just not who I am. I also do think we both hurt each other and I guess I broke his trust by being the first one to say it's over and being adamant about it at the time so maybe he just needs time to recover? I really have no idea but I don't think staying away would help much now.
dave_1966 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey, in my opinion what you did initially by respecting his decision to break up and not contacting was good. You should have and should from now on stick to that. From what i have heard and seen, people only realize what they have once they lose it and he has to get the sense that he has lost something good with you. The only way to do that is for you to be ok with the breakup and move on (even if you're just pretending to do so). This will give you a boost and will make him realize and he will come back begging. Now the situation can go either way, sometimes people have someone else lined up and thats why they pull the trigger on their relationship to go pursue this new person. So beaware of that, I hope things work out in your favour. Just don't contact him unless he contacts you first and is willing to give your relationship another go, cuz even if he isn't looking for FWB, just you being there for him always will give him that much needed ego boost. But she broke up with him first? You can't just open a Pandoras Box like that and then bend the facts for sympathy. If she'd said that to me, I would have simply granted her that situation. You can't joke about with statements like that, you're playing with fire as this poster has now found out. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Yep, I agree with you. I messed up - bad. Need to make it up to him and have him realize it won't happen again which is probably why he wants to see how things go. How do I do this though?
dave_1966 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Yep, I agree with you. I messed up - bad. Need to make it up to him and have him realize it won't happen again which is probably why he wants to see how things go. How do I do this though? You would need to call him up and say nothing less than 'listen, I'm really sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my life dumping you and I really miss you and regret it. I'm still in love with you, and want you to take me back'. Anything less than this will be totally ignored if he's got any sense. Even after saying this, you could be kicked to the kerb. You have no choice though if you're serious. Personally, once that 'its over' line was used on me it'd be over for good with no hope of reconciliation. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 You would need to call him up and say nothing less than 'listen, I'm really sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my life dumping you and I really miss you and regret it. I'm still in love with you, and want you to take me back'. Anything less than this will be totally ignored if he's got any sense. Even after saying this, you could be kicked to the kerb. You have no choice though if you're serious. Personally, once that 'its over' line was used on me it'd be over for good with no hope of reconciliation. I did say this to him when we went for coffee. I apologized and owned my mistake completely and told him I want him back and love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I told him I really don't want to let him go and throw our relationship away because of sheer stupidity not any solid issues that can't be resolved. He said he agrees and we will see how it goes. What else can I do? 1
aloneinaz Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I did say this to him when we went for coffee. I apologized and owned my mistake completely and told him I want him back and love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I told him I really don't want to let him go and throw our relationship away because of sheer stupidity not any solid issues that can't be resolved. He said he agrees and we will see how it goes. What else can I do? What else can you do? Don't SMOTHER him! You apologized for dumping him and admitted it was a mistake. You told him you love him and want to make it work. Now, the ball is in his court. He's going to feel like he has all the power here. So, leave it up to him to initiate contact next time. Then, let him ask you out. Take it like you guys just started dating and go from there.. 3
dave_1966 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I did say this to him when we went for coffee. I apologized and owned my mistake completely and told him I want him back and love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I told him I really don't want to let him go and throw our relationship away because of sheer stupidity not any solid issues that can't be resolved. He said he agrees and we will see how it goes. What else can I do? Nothing really, he's being as reconciliatory as possible really. You sound upset that you're not in control of the situation, when you dumped him you may have felt an enormous sense of power and control momentarily and you're desperately trying to regain it now. He's in charge, and most likely expects to see how you act towards him over several months before taking you seriously again. That's what I'd do anyway. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 No, this is not about the loss of power at all honestly. I just mean I don't know how/what to be in the meantime - I understand that I have to wait it out. I've made it clear that I want him back so he knows I'm not just looking for friendship. But should I basically be a friend till he decides what he wants to do? I don't want to do anything that would push him further away but I also don't want to end up getting friend zoned. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Any suggestions as to how to proceed would be great. I've never been in this situation before.. thanks. 1
loveiswar101 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm in same boat. I have done exactly the same. Only option left is to sit back and see. I've decided to go NC (blocked her number for first time ever). If we mean anything to them they will contact us. Let it go, move on, if he thinks your worth he'll get hold of you. Sorry but like me be prepared though for nothing at the end of the rainbow. 1
minime13 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 No, this is not about the loss of power at all honestly. I just mean I don't know how/what to be in the meantime - I understand that I have to wait it out. I've made it clear that I want him back so he knows I'm not just looking for friendship. But should I basically be a friend till he decides what he wants to do? I don't want to do anything that would push him further away but I also don't want to end up getting friend zoned. No, you don't be his friend in the meantime. You already told him that you couldn't be his friend, so why take that back? It just shows that you don't know what you want if you be his friend right now. You've also made it clear that you want to try to make the relationship work, have told him that you are sorry and want him back, and that you love him. So, basically, according to you, you cannot be his friend right now, but want to get back together. Two things that I believe you have communicated with him. The ball is in his court. Let him sort out his feelings, and then act upon them. 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Thanks guys. I don't want to go NC because if I do that, how will I be able to get him to trust me again? Silence doesn't seem to be the answer here - I made a mistake (so did he but mine was bigger) and we need to communicate in order to move past this I think. If I disappear on him, I don't think that will solve anything. I could be wrong. I was in so much pain since all this happened, I could barely eat or sleep or function at all. Complete train wreck. Since this conversation, the pain has magically disappeared because I am so convinced I'll get him back. This scares the hell out of me because technically it could still go either way. He was SO nice when we hung out and spoke though and clearly showed how much he still cares and he didn't disagree with anything I said so fingers crossed I guess. If this goes badly, I'm going to be an even bigger train wreck I think. Eeek!! 1
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Okay so I know this reconciliation process can be messy and confusing but I am not sure what's happened - I'm probably over analyzing and freaking myself out though but this is not good!!! So after our amazing time together and the conversation and everything, we seemed to be somewhat on the right track as I said before. I know for a fact that he is going absolutely crazy this week (including the weekend) and next week with work stuff and work trips so I guess I am panicking over nothing but - this is what happened. The next day after all that, I sent him a message about something really funny that happened to a common friend of ours. He replied back but he said he's super busy and will catch up with me later so I said sure, no issues. I wasn't planning on getting in touch with him then until I heard back from him since I don't want to pressure him or anything like that. The next night unfortunately I got fairly drunk and it seemed like a great idea to send him another text - again just a light funny one that didn't necessarily require an answer but he almost never, ever ignores my texts. He read it but no reply and I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. Am I freaking out over nothing considering I know he's running around like crazy? Or is this an indication that he is no longer interested? Serious panic mode! 1
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Oh geez, this isn't going well is it? To be honest, it sounds like you're kind of in denial about this breakup. I'm really sorry, but I don't think pretending you're not broken up is going to work for this situation. I think you need to really start seeing things as they are, not as you wish them to be. I ran into him today and we ended up having coffee and spent a couple of hours together and it was really, really good. I couldn't help myself so I told him I feel that we broke up over really stupid things and we had no issues that were deal breakers as such in our relationship and while I do understand that we do have issues that need work and I fully accept responsibility for losing it during our last fight, I just feel like we are throwing away something really amazing. He said I agree so I thought great, we are getting back together but then he said let's see how things go. We parted on great terms - he did not try to be physical or suggestive at all so I don't think he's looking for a FWB. What do I do with this? Yeah, not good. Several warning signs that I can see. First, he wants to stay FRIENDS. This is a kiss of death -- it means his feelings for you have diminished to the point where he's okay with you dating other guys. He wants friendship -- that's platonic. He's not feeling intense romantic longing or physical attraction. Second, he wants to TAKE IT SLOW. See where it goes? That means, he wants you in his life while he slowly adjusts to being single and moves on. If someone wants to be with you, they want to be with you NOW. They don't leave things undefined. They don't want to risk losing you with vague boundaries and no commitment. There's really several flashing neon red flags here.... all of which could be avoided if you cut contact and STUCK TO IT. What to do? Don't agree to be his safety net while he transitions to being single. Go No Contact. Let him experience not having you in his life. Block him everywhere and don't go to places where you might run into him. No hanging out, no communication. Let yourself HEAL from this breakup and get your perspective back. Right now you're trying to cling to something that's gone.... you need to take back your power and get grounded in yourself again. Treat this like the breakup it is. Denial ISN'T going to work for you, here! It's only going to make it easier for him to move on. You think the hanging out went well? Sure, for HIM.... now he gets to have you in the Friend Zone and as a Plan B in case it doesn't work out with anyone else. It might take more of an outright rejection for you to really get it that he's breaking up with you, but I think he's been giving you many signs already, including actually breaking up with you. Your best course of action -- both for reconciliation and for your own healing -- is to walk away and put the focus on yourself and healing. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you! 1
anna121 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It's impossible to know what is going on in his head. But if you keep texting you likely will drive him away. You know he is super busy so just go with that. Keep telling yourself that the fact that he did not respond has very little to do with you. Wait for him to make contact. If he doesn't contact you after a week I would get in touch again, but something very light. You can't force this and you can't control it. Leave it to him for now. 1
Satu Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 You escalated things to the point of using the 'nuclear option' of ending the relationship. As far as he is concerned, its over. I don't see how you can change that.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Thanks so much for reading and replying! I agree that I am in denial to an extent - I absolutely do not want to let this go yet, not until I've tried everything I possibly can.. The thing with no contact is though, I feel it will do nothing to help fix the situation. It is a great tool for moving on, no denying that but I don't want to give up yet. I personally don't believe that you can go no contact for x amount of time and then the person will come back into one's life and they can jump back into a relationship. I know I majorly screwed up when I broke up with him during our fight and so did he by pushing me to that - but that trust and safety has been broken in our relationship, so how would no contact fix it? The other thing is, I have not lied to him about my intentions or told him I'm okay just being friends. I've told him I want to fix us and I don't want to throw it all away over things that CAN be fixed and he said he agrees but wants to take it slow. Surely that's not a bad thing? I don't know - I'm so confused and hurting pretty badly. I guess the best I can do is give him space but not shut him out completely.. hopefully, he will get in touch with me soon once this busy period is over. I just cannot let go yet. I know it sounds pathetic but well, I just can't.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 You escalated things to the point of using the 'nuclear option' of ending the relationship. As far as he is concerned, its over. I don't see how you can change that. Hi Satu, How did I escalate it to the nuclear option?
Satu Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hi Satu, How did I escalate it to the nuclear option? By ending the relationship.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 By ending the relationship. Oh, got your point!! Yep, I really, really screwed up. I don't know if I can fix it. I really hope I can. This is just such a stupid reason to break up and throw away SO much - and I caused it and it's killing me. I don't know what to do but until I have tried everything I possibly can walking away and moving on is just not an option. I'm such an idiot
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I don't know if I can fix it. I really hope I can. This is just such a stupid reason to break up and throw away SO much - and I caused it and it's killing me. I don't know what to do but until I have tried everything I possibly can walking away and moving on is just not an option. I'm such an idiot You're not an idiot! But you are in denial. The more you try to grasp onto this relationship and chase him and do the work to get him back... the more you'll push him away. He wouldn't have agreed to the breakup if he didn't also want it to happen. Walking away needs to become an option.
Author JS1981 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 But why would he say he agrees with everything I said to him and that this is worth fixing, that he loves me, etc. if that's not what he wants? Wouldn't he just point blank have said no I just want to be friends or even just said I don't want to have anything to do with you? It doesn't make sense!!
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Dumpers do this all the time. He's setting you up as a safety net while he adjusts to the breakup. Breaking up is scary and he wants you there so he doesn't feel so at risk. I know this is probably sounding crazy to you, but you'd be shocked at how un-unique your situation is. Dumpers WANT you in their life. They offer friendship. They offer "take it slow". They don't want to come out and say "I'm breaking up and it's permanent and we're never getting back together."
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