Sunshine89 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hi guys, I've posted bits and pieces of my situation over the past month, but as time goes on I'm realizing that I'm struggling with the big picture. I thought maybe if I shared my story, you guys could give me some insight and advice on moving forward? I feel so lost, like I'm just waking up from a bad dream My ex and I dated for 6 years. We met when we were both fresh out of high school and dated through college. In that time, we saw each other through my parents divorce, his dad's death, and a slew of other traumatic events. The first few years, we were always there for each other, had tons of mutual friends, same interests....you name it, we had it. I thought we were amazing. I thought he was amazing. The next part is hard to talk about, and I hope you'll be kind. It's the part where I tell you that I stayed in this relationship 3 years too long: 3 years in, he started emotionally cheating (and possibly physically, but I have no proof). Flirting with girls in his study group via text, flirting with acquaintances in our friend group over Facebook, flirting and leading on his late father's best friend's 17 year old niece. Every single time I caught him, and every single time he begged me not to leave, that he would be better this time. I drew lines in the sand and he kept stepping over them. But I stayed anyway. Then the lying started. Little at first, in-discrepancies in stories that I had been a part of, then big stuff (didn't sign up for classes, lied about it for two months and went so far as to make up a fake schedule). At this point, I'm really concerned. His father had passed within the past year and his mother had up and left him to deal with his grief on his own, moving far away and selling his childhood home which forced him to quickly find a place to live. He hasn't been dealing with his grief. While I'm hurt, I'm more concerned by his changes in character. We talk and he agrees to start seeking therapy. 4 months into therapy, he quits. It's the anniversary of his dad's death, he never goes back. We start fighting, constantly. I'm in college, he's not. He won't come visit me, and every time he does it's an inconvenience. Everything I invite him to, he does not because he wants to but (in his words) for me. This is when the spending starts. He'd always been a gadget guy, but he started spending hundreds of dollars on new clothes. Then he got a new car. And a super fancy apartment. He traded stocks, and had a private security contracting job, but to be honest I had no idea how he had THAT much expendable income. He made maybe 30-35k a year...it just didn't add up. After I graduated, things just got worse. He kept pressuring me to move in with him. I wanted to get a full-time job first, so I could pay my half of the rent and help with other expenses. He was hurt, and said I didn't need to pay rent, and "jokingly" suggested I could pay him in cleaning and sexy times. I really didn't feel like he was joking. In addition to the pressure to move in, he became obsessed with the idea of joining the Air Force. We talked about it, and I worried about long distance. At first, I wasn't supportive, but it made practical sense for his job and he said he'd always dreamed of joining the military (he had), so I finally agreed. I wanted him to be happy and follow his dreams like I had gotten to do. Two months later, he met with a recruiter. The recruiter told him he needed to lose 20 pounds. At first he came up with a workout regime, then about a month later he decided he'd rather go to college. No one was surprised. At this point, I had started working my first job downtown. He expressed worry that I would meet some "big shot" and leave him. I of course told him no. I brought him to work happy hours and functions, he refused to mingle. I cried. I work in a networking-heavy industry. These events are imperative to my job, and most people bring their SO's. I had hoped he would be a part of that. He didn't want to. I finally had a sit down talk with him and explained how I was feeling and that I needed him to pick a direction and go. He was upset but seemed to understand. He started applying to schools. In preparation for me moving in, I started staying weekends with him at his apartment. At first it was great, but then, about 3 months ago, we started fighting. Around that time, he started going on business trips. With the nature of his job, I wasn't allowed to know why he was going somewhere or what it entailed. In fact, when he was working, I couldn't even be in the apartment. I trusted him, however, or at least I wanted to. At the end of March, after another weekend together, he had to leave the next day for work. That night, we argued. After a while, I gave up and started crying, saying that I didn't want to fight with him, that he was my best friend. He held me and then kissed me. It turned into more. At first, it was consensual, but he started to get rough. Too rough. I asked him to stop, that he was hurting me. He wouldn't stop. It felt like he was hitting me. I never knew sex could feel like hate. It felt like he hated me. After he was done, I got up and curled into a ball on the couch. He asked me if what we had done was consensual. I said I didn't know. I didn't want to deal with it (I've since come to realize be raped me), so I suggested we eat some food and watch tv. He agreed, we did, and the rest of the evening went well. We had a great morning and he dropped me back off at my place. We said our goodbyes, and he even ran back up the steps to give me another kiss. I thought we were ok. I thought I was ok. When he came back from his trip two days later, we were not ok. He wanted to talk. I left work early. He was breaking up with me. He said he never felt good enough, that he always had to walk on eggshells around me, that he was tired of the fighting. I was devastated. I had no idea I'd been hurting him in that way. I wanted to make things work. He didn't. He said we were both really ****ed up and couldn't be together right now. He said we both needed to work on ourselves, I agreed. The next day, I got a therapist. He didn't. Several days later, he went out with friends and got alcohol poisoning, tried to do a back flip and got a concussion. He almost died that night. I immediately ran to his side when I found out, kept in contact with his mother and made sure he was ok. We talked for hours on the phone over he next week. He said he was looking for therapists to figure out why I got help and he got a concussion. That following Monday, we exchanged things. We ended up chatting for almost an hour! We had a great time catching up and genuinely enjoyed each others company. We hugged goodbye and then a few days later he asked me to meet him the next week again for coffee. I said yes. We didn't talk again until the day of our coffee meet up. He canceled on me, saying he was sick. I said I understood and that I hoped we could reschedule. I never heard from him again. The following week, I found out from mutual friends that he had a new girlfriend and that she had moved into his apartment with her 5 cats. I was shocked. This was a girl that I knew, and that he had introduced to me as his "cousin". Her fiancé had gotten him his job. She was living with him less than a month after we broke up. He does confidential work, and lives in a tiny one bedroom apartment....it's insane! I was crushed. Six years together and he throws it away. Throws me away. I know he was a creep, I know he is a creep. But how do I deal with this? I've cut all contact with him, blocked him on all social media. All of our friends and his family are horrified and disapprove. He's been uninvited from our mutual best friends wedding. Has he lost his mind? I feel like the person I started dating and the man he is now are two different people....I just feel so....lost.
SLee Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story broke my heart and I really do sympathize with a lot that you wrote, considering my ex. I feel the very same way about my ex, who I've also began to realize was abusive. At first he was this wonderful guy and stayed that way up until this past semester at school where he's deteriorated so much that it seems he's lost his mind. My ex also threw me away after being officially together for 3.5 years and being involved for 4.5 years. It feels so awful, and you end up just confused, devastated, and bewildered at the ex's behavior. I completely get it. But, what's helped me the most has been talking it out wit my friends, particularly those that know/knew him to get perspective. I have to come to realize that my ex DID lose his mind in some way and now HE has to figure that out. It has nothing to do with me anymore. You have to think about it that way if you can. He ended it. You just focus on you, that's how you deal with it. Keep going to therapy, focus on work, networking, hobbies, friends, etc. Remember that although it hurts, he is his own problem. I've come to a point where I kind of just feel sorry for my ex. Keep your head up and keep making the right choices. You're gonna come out of it smarter, better, and stronger.
darkbloom Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 It sounds like he changed somewhere along the way. But there is no excuse for the rape. You asked him to stop and he didn't. That is a not okay. He did you a favor by breaking up with you. Imagine if you'd married that creep?? 2
Author Sunshine89 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Thank you guys. I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who thinks he changed. DEFINITELY glad we never got married. What a nightmare that would have been! I truly believe that he's lost his mind/is losing his mind/is in a VERY dark place. I could never figure out why I wasn't worth being faithful and honest to, despite the fact that we were together so long...and I realized yesterday that it's because he never CHOSE me fully. He always had one foot out of the relationship, and over time came to resent me because he didn't appreciate me. I need to be with someone who is A) not a creep B) not crazy and C) chooses me. You can't make someone choose you. They either do or they don't, and that's THEIR problem. I chose him, and committed fully to the relationship, but I'm just now realizing he never did the same. We never had a chance because I was the one doing all the work. This is both sad and freeing at the same time, but I know now that I need a guy who chooses me, cherishes me and is my partner. Not some creepy little gremlin who preys on other girls, lies to his friends and rapes people. He's a sad, pathetic loser, and I'm just now realizing the bullet I dodged. Thank you for the kind words and advice.
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