Annie767 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 18 months ago I started seeing a wonderful man , in his 40's. I'm in my late twenties. I have been honest from the start that I would love children of my own. He has 3 from 2 mothers and is divorced after the ex had an affair. I had been 8 months out of a four year relationship and was also cheated on. (I had to experience starting all over again which is relevant) I didn't expect to fall in love like I did. I talked about my own life goals pretty early on, and he was open to starting a new family in the future. Problem was he'd been sterilised over ten years so it would be a fully conscious and expensive decision. I also have a condition which means I'm better suited to pregnancy earlier so I don't really have years to wait. He said he'd be open to a reversal. I was happy with this. He also said he'd have to really think about another marriage which I want but his words were 'never say never' So I met his children after 6 months and fell in love again. I loved the family life and it only reinforced that I wanted to experience it myself from the beginning aswell. It came to the point where I was looking to progress the relationship by moving in and yes I asked again if he'd still be open to a reversal. Preferred option, I wanted to experience making a life with a man I love dearly. Naturally if possible. He said he wasn't sure and possibly wouldn't be able to give me an answer for years. I'd need to be living with him for a few years first before he could do anything. I had to be brutally honest with myself and concluded that I couldn't watch him play happy families whilst I pine and wonder. I think it would eat away at me. And what if he said no? He isn't getting any younger. I'd have to lose him, the children and start all over again. It was stalemate. Catch 22. He didn't want the risk of being a single dad again and I didn't want the risk of running a dead end. I'd have to give up a lot to be with him and his children. So today we called it a day. And it hurts. My God it hurts. Apart from the above, he showed me what a relationship should be like. He's attentive, treated me like a princess. Funny and a great cook. I do feel slightly mislead but I can't be angry. It may be a flaw but I just couldn't give up my life and live with that uncertainty. I've had break ups before but saying goodbye like that knowing we still love each other is devastating. No fight, no anger just a tears and a hug. I'll never see those kids again, have a film night or pass a football with them. I can't wish his daughter happy birthday on Friday but I left a present . Just looking for some support or wise words . Thank you x
brokengirl85 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems that your priority was to have a family. It was bad from the beginning: he is sterilized, he has kids from two different women. Why would you think he'd want more? It also seems, from reading you, that having kids is something you want in short future, or right now if it's possible. that's scary for most men, specially the ones that have no desire to have more. Yes, he said he would do the reversal for you, but I think he said that because he liked you and he didn't want to lose you. 3
Author Annie767 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems that your priority was to have a family. It was bad from the beginning: he is sterilized, he has kids from two different women. Why would you think he'd want more? It also seems, from reading you, that having kids is something you want in short future, or right now if it's possible. that's scary for most men, specially the ones that have no desire to have more. Yes, he said he would do the reversal for you, but I think he said that because he liked you and he didn't want to lose you. I guess I was kidding myself because I fell deeply In love with him. He told me that he wanted me in his life forever and whatever came with that - he seemed pretty sure in that hence he'd have a reversal. He used to talk about what our kids would look like, how they'd be football fans, how they'd act etc. kind of gave me the impression he was for it. I know it's scary, that's why I gave it a year before we broached it again. Maybe I was subconsciously challenging myself to win a battle?? I don't know. It doesn't matter now it just hurts because I love him immensely. 1
dangerbang Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Dodged a bullet Annie. A sterilized old man with a couple of kids from different chicks. Swoon!!!! Tom Hardy eat your heart out. Don't contact him again and you'll see this in time. There are tonnes of guys your age that would be dying to go out with you. 2
BikerAccnt Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Annie, My heart aches for you. How hard that must have been. I'm older than you both, but I certainly understand your motivations and your reasons. Sometimes you have to do what you think will be right for you in the future, even if it doesn't feel so right now. The desire to have your own children is certainly a legitimate one. If he was unwilling/unable to decide, then your decision was made. I just broke up last week with a woman I still love. The reason's were different, but the feeling of walking away from someone you love because of differing priorities, hurts the same. I won't be able to see her daughter graduate from college next year, or her grandson grow up, and it hurts. Lots, But continuing to see someone when you are on different paths, won't work either. You know that. Sometimes doing what you know you need to do, is the hardest thing. I'm sorry you are hurting. 2
Author Annie767 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Annie, My heart aches for you. How hard that must have been. I'm older than you both, but I certainly understand your motivations and your reasons. Sometimes you have to do what you think will be right for you in the future, even if it doesn't feel so right now. The desire to have your own children is certainly a legitimate one. If he was unwilling/unable to decide, then your decision was made. I just broke up last week with a woman I still love. The reason's were different, but the feeling of walking away from someone you love because of differing priorities, hurts the same. I won't be able to see her daughter graduate from college next year, or her grandson grow up, and it hurts. Lots, But continuing to see someone when you are on different paths, won't work either. You know that. Sometimes doing what you know you need to do, is the hardest thing. I'm sorry you are hurting. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm going to save them and keep looking at them when I feel like driving to his house and telling him I'll bypass my own family for his....because I love him so much. I know he's hurting and I want to make it better for him but that would come at a huge cost. Could we love with this one thing eating away at me? No. But I'm going to miss them all. Thank you x
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'm so sorry for you Annie. I'm just writing to reassure you that you did the right thing. When you find the right person and you've got kids of your own, you'll be grateful you were strong enough to let go. I'm 20 and my ex was in his early 40's. Although we broke up due the relationship being a long distance one, I relate so much to what you've experienced. I think his age and his previous marriage where his wife divorced him due to loss of feelings, gave him wisdom and caused him to become very attentive and loving. He also had a vasectomy and in the beginning he fantacized with me about getting a reversal and what our children would be like, but soon I could see that he truly didn't want more children. He felt it wouldn't be fair to them as he was older and would be gone while they were still young. He also claimed it wouldn't be fair to me because I'm young and while I say I don't children now, I might want them in the future and would resent him. I mention this because I do think you were misled and it isn't right for someone to do that. I know right now you're hurt and can't think clearest at the moment but when you think about it, he should have been more realistic and honest about what he wanted. Instead, he filled your head with illusions because he knew if he were honest, he would lose you. That seems very selfish on his part. Again, I understand the pain you feel right now and I am sorry. Just take one day at a time. Use this time to learn about yourself. I've learned so much due to this break up and it shall aid us as time goes on. 1
aloneinaz Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Sorry to hear this pain you're going thru. It's normal. The challenge is to NOT over-react and run over there saying you'll do anything to make it work, to include giving up having kids.. There were some serious red flags presented to you at the begining of that relationship that you chose to ignore. You have a pretty good age gap between you and as a male older than your now ex, I can tell you I wouldn't of wanted to start another family in my 40's.. Yikes! He's clearly been through this already w/two other women and I'm sure doesn't want to pay child support for the rest his life if you two didn't work.. Focus on taking it day by day till you feel better. You will. Find someone in your age group that also wants to start a family. Don't give up YOUR dream of having your own kids oversome you're not a good fit for anyway. 1
Author Annie767 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I'm so sorry for you Annie. I'm just writing to reassure you that you did the right thing. When you find the right person and you've got kids of your own, you'll be grateful you were strong enough to let go. I'm 20 and my ex was in his early 40's. Although we broke up due the relationship being a long distance one, I relate so much to what you've experienced. I think his age and his previous marriage where his wife divorced him due to loss of feelings, gave him wisdom and caused him to become very attentive and loving. He also had a vasectomy and in the beginning he fantacized with me about getting a reversal and what our children would be like, but soon I could see that he truly didn't want more children. He felt it wouldn't be fair to them as he was older and would be gone while they were still young. He also claimed it wouldn't be fair to me because I'm young and while I say I don't children now, I might want them in the future and would resent him. I mention this because I do think you were misled and it isn't right for someone to do that. I know right now you're hurt and can't think clearest at the moment but when you think about it, he should have been more realistic and honest about what he wanted. Instead, he filled your head with illusions because he knew if he were honest, he would lose you. That seems very selfish on his part. Again, I understand the pain you feel right now and I am sorry. Just take one day at a time. Use this time to learn about yourself. I've learned so much due to this break up and it shall aid us as time goes on. Wow I wish I was as wise as you when I was 20. I suppose he told me what I wanted to hear or I only listened to them bits. I just wanted it to work so badly, we were great together other than this issue (Feels painful speaking in past tense). I do believe he loves me, but it wasn't enough for either of us. I'm sorry you had to experience a loss as well. Thank you so much, this site is a lifesaver x
Author Annie767 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) There were some serious red flags presented to you at the begining of that relationship that you chose to ignore. . You're right. Really I should have looked at his actions rather than listen to his words. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to keep me, I was the 'love of his life' but when he wasn't in direct conversation with me, I'd hear him talk about things and getting excited about future things....none of them including a new family. I suppose I should add I've been recovering from major surgery for the past 4 months so I haven't really felt the strength to confront until the past few weeks. I'm in a "get life back on track" phase now. Thank you for your insight x Edited May 13, 2015 by Annie767 Mispell
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey thanks. It's the events and experiences in life that gives wisdom I think. I was in an accident when I was younger. I lost family members. So I had to gain the maturity. I think you should look up baggage reclaim by Natalie Lue. She imparts a lot of wisdom with regards to relationships. Matching actions to words being one of the most important to watch for in relationships. I agree this website is so valuable 1
Author Annie767 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Day one. Painful waking up without asking him how his night was. Im feeling a sense of relief that I've regained a bit more control over my life and my future. I didn't stay home last night so going home to an empty rattling house will be hard. However Im Not tearing myself apart about whether he wants me enough or not ..I know the answer now, he doesn't want me enough. I have a lot of issues to work on that are deep rooted. At least I can concentrate on those with psychotherapy, personal training etc. Rather than worry about what he and the kids are doing. It's time for me to finally sift through the destruction brought on me by a new medical diagnosis, surgery, 2 break ups n 18 months and a toxic mother. If I don't set the sail to a direction someone else will do it for me, as nearly happened if I suppressed my feelings . 2
Moley87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Hi Annie, Day 2 for me (Again) I'm 2 months BU and only have decided no contact is best for me. The feeling of getting some control back is nice but Just keep remembering this is about you and your recovery. It's def for the best but take it slow days will become weeks and weeks will be months 1
Author Annie767 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Hi Annie, Day 2 for me (Again) I'm 2 months BU and only have decided no contact is best for me. The feeling of getting some control back is nice but Just keep remembering this is about you and your recovery. It's def for the best but take it slow days will become weeks and weeks will be months Thank you. Just seems crazy he's the first person I'd run to if I was feeling low. I'm dying to call him and tell him how I feel. But the situation will be no different. We still disagree on this fundamental issue and he's unlikely to have genuinely changed his mind in a day surely? 1
Moley87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Thank you. Just seems crazy he's the first person I'd run to if I was feeling low. I'm dying to call him and tell him how I feel. But the situation will be no different. We still disagree on this fundamental issue and he's unlikely to have genuinely changed his mind in a day surely? Been there done that, Went a week no contact and then emailed her and we chatted for a few days and as we work together (different areas) but the situation hadn't changed the under lying cause was still there just being covered because it was nice You would of normally gone to them with any problem so only natural you would want to turn to them when you are low He hasn't changed his mind and my best advice is stay away it's hard but what you don't want to do is get hurt even more - everything heals 1
Author Annie767 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Been there done that, Went a week no contact and then emailed her and we chatted for a few days and as we work together (different areas) but the situation hadn't changed the under lying cause was still there just being covered because it was nice You would of normally gone to them with any problem so only natural you would want to turn to them when you are low He hasn't changed his mind and my best advice is stay away it's hard but what you don't want to do is get hurt even more - everything heals Thanks for that. Yes my mother said to me earlier (I don't speak to her a lot) to just call him. And say what exactly? I'll only miss him more and I'm sure he's not the happiest either. Is it fair on him because I know I'm not willing to continue with an uncertain future. I mean I know all futures are uncertain but I saw myself as the one having more to lose. He's such a good man, he deserves his happy retirement and family life and I think I deserve my dream. She's not very helpful sometimes.
Moley87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You'll just open more hurt by calling him, Personally your going to have to do what I'm doing now is adapt to the situation that they are no longer involved It's tough as friends will be there for you but you always crave someone you can open up to (generally was the ex) I find this site a good way to communicate as it assures you what your doing is correct.
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