Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 That's fine, that's up to him, but if the lady wants to get married and he is against it she is right to move on and find a guy with common values to hers right?? And he just needs a woman who never wants to get married. Simple! see, if he's that clear and dead set on his unclarity about marriage, why not share it upfront? I did ask - and we did talk about it several times. Why wait until now? Because he knew there was a high chance I might bail out. Which I am. Lies never brought anyone anything but misery. 3
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) ^bloody hell, katie, it happened f*cking yesteday ! Like yesterday! I have the F*cking flight tickets to go home to my folks in front of my eyes. Two days ago, I was going with my bf in South of France for holidays. Cancelled all that sh*t. Cut me some slack, will ya right now, if you happen to be peeing standing, you're on my black list. Today, at least... I look really well with my black dress, suit and puffy red eyes behind my glasses. I'm a hit, I tell you, a big hit ! Two words ..anger management. I stick to what I said ...your reaction is over the top -- WAY over the top. And don't care if I'm on your "black list" or any other list. It didn't work out, you are disappointed and hurt, totally understandable! Cry your tears and move the hell on. Edited May 14, 2015 by katiegrl
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Two words ..anger management. I stick to what I said ...your reaction is over the top -- WAY over the top. And don't care if I'm on your "black list" or any other list. It didn't work out, you are disappointed and hurt, totally understandable! Cry your tears and move the hell on. Didn't realize u'r a guy . I'll take a chill pill and move on, no worries 1
Trishern Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 so last night I wrote him a line saying "thank you for being straightforward with me" and told him it's best to start no contact and that I will contact his friend to seal he deal - give her all of his stuff and get the cash he owes me for the flight tickets. Thing is, she is stalling me. Telling me to meet up after my trip to Romania - I'll come back in 2 weeks time. I just wanna be done with it now. Nothing to think about, just seal the deal and disappear from the face of the Earth. I feel like such a fool for having bought his act. OMG, I was so stupid and he was so cruel... introducing me to his dad, giving me his keys. He's done that with all the girls before me. The day I wanted to give him the keys to my appartment, the woman cleaning up was busy... otherwise I would have gotten her keys and given them to him. I almost flew him half the bloody continent to meet my parents. I haven't done any of that with anyone for the last 5 years. I haven't told anyone I love you in 5 -6 years. Yup, stupid, because he looked safe. Bloody ****ing liar, I hope he burns in hell !!! I would have been as pissed off as you are as well. It's always best to be honest and I think if marriage is something he never wanted, he should have said so, from the get go. I understand for those who have had bad experiences before, but before it gets serious, they should make it clear. I think they know that not many women would be overly interested in a guy who said that, so they deliberately don't say anything. At least 5 months isn't too much time to have wasted. Mrs. Trishern 2
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I would have been as pissed off as you are as well. It's always best to be honest and I think if marriage is something he never wanted, he should have said so, from the get go. I understand for those who have had bad experiences before, but before it gets serious, they should make it clear. I think they know that not many women would be overly interested in a guy who said that, so they deliberately don't say anything. At least 5 months isn't too much time to have wasted. Mrs. Trishern Thank you, Mrs. T, I agree, 4-5 months isn't that long. I'll be up & running in a month. First few days are destabilizing, my mood goes up & down all the time. Reality is difficult to swallow, but it should get better soon.
Imajerk17 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Well candie, what is more disconcerting to me is his wanting kids before marriage. I would never expect a woman to bear my children without my giving her my full expressed commitment. For her sake and the sake of the children. Anyway, his expectations seem selfish to me. I hope you are alright! 6
Woggle Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Going through a nasty divorce does something to a guy and it is really hard to look at marriage and commitment the same way again. What has been seen can't be unseen. 1
BluEyeL Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm sorry candie and kudos to you for not waiting around any longer. You don't have a lot of time to waste on guys like that if your goal is to have a family. Personally, I have mixed feelings about marriage, but I'm 43 and no more kids for me. One day I think I would like it, next day I go meh I don't care and the following day I go probably I don't even want to be locked down just in case my husband will stop being on his best behavior once he has papers on me lol But for you, just get angry, get over it and get back out there. Finding true love is going to happen, you have a great attitude! 1
Trishern Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Well candie, what is more disconcerting to me is his wanting kids before marriage. I would never expect a woman to bear my children without my giving her my full expressed commitment. For her sake and the sake of the children. Anyway, his expectations seem selfish to me. I hope you are alright! Great to see this post from a man. I'd actually take offence with a man wanting me to have kids for him without marriage. I'd shut that relationship down very quickly. I think it comes down to the money. A man doesn't want to loose half of it in a divorce. Simple solution, find a woman who earns around the same as you, then you have to convince her that she must go back to work after having kids. As long as you earn the same, it's not a problem. 1
Woggle Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Marriage pretty much means nothing when it comes to having kids. Pretty soon most births will be out of wedlock so I don't see why this is so important. 1
BlueIris Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Good for you, Candie. Not the right guy for you. in the future, have a good exploratory discussion about each other's views about marriage and children in the first few dates. Beware the classic "well... maybe for the right person" response doled out to get into your pants. It's pretty darn common. Take your time and you'll find that right guy for you. 2
anna121 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Meh. I don't find your reaction that over the top, Candie. You have a right to vent in your own thread. I think it was poor communication and perhaps some conflict avoidance on his part. It sucks. You'll be ok. Although I would have gone to the South of France anyway. Cannes, Grasse, Cap Ferrat - what's not to like? 3
writergal Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Meh. I don't find your reaction that over the top, Candie. You have a right to vent in your own thread. I think it was poor communication and perhaps some conflict avoidance on his part. It sucks. You'll be ok. Although I would have gone to the South of France anyway. Cannes, Grasse, Cap Ferrat - what's not to like? I think a solo vacay is the best way to handle a breakup. Distract yourself with new sights, smells and sounds in a foreign city. Did you already cancel your tickets to the South of France? If not, go for it. Invite a friend to join you too if you like. Don't waste them if you can use them. Anyways, it's good that you found out after only 4-5 months your boyfriend's real feelings and intentions about marriage. He should have respected you and told you the truth upfront instead of the way he took advantage of you. Good riddance I say! And you didn't react over the top either. Venting is good for the soul and the boiling blood pressure, otherwise one would explode from the pent up feelings of anger. So, vent away Candie! You're amongst friends here! 2
stillafool Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm sorry for your pain. As others have said at least you found out he doesn't want to marry you at the 5 month stage rather than 2-5 years from now. Maybe he does want to marry one day but after being in the relationship didn't see marriage with you. I've seen this happen so often in my life where the guy doesn't want to get married, breaks up and a year later he is engaged to someone else. All this means is he is not the man you are to marry and your future husband is still out there. I do wonder if marriage is so important to you why did you stay with your other ex for 7 years without a proposal?
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) ***see, if he's that clear and dead set on his unclarity about marriage, why not share it upfront? I did ask - and we did talk about it several times.** Why wait until now? Because he knew there was a high chance I might bail out. Which I am. Lies never brought anyone anything but misery. You are not considering something which may possibly be more the truth than anything else... When you first started dating, and talking about it, he *was* open to marriage...but after dating you a few more months, he realized that marrying "you" was not going to work for him....thus his change of heart. You are assuming he knew all along he didn't want marriage which may not be the case at all. He just realized after a few months, that he just didn't want to marry *you.* So instead of feeling angry and bitter at his so-called *dishonesty,* perhaps you should be thankful that when push came to shove, he was honest with you, instead of stringing you along for god only knows how long until he either got bored or met someone else he *does* wish to marry. Sorry... Edited May 14, 2015 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You are not considering something which may possibly be more the truth than anything else... When you first started dating, and talking about it, he *was* open to marriage...but after dating you a few more months, he realized that marrying "you" was not going to work for him....thus his change of heart. You are assuming he knew all along he didn't want marriage which may not be the case at all. He just realized after a few months, that he just didn't want to marry *you.* So instead of feeling angry and bitter at his so-called *dishonesty,* perhaps you should be thankful that when push came to shove, he was honest with you, instead of stringing you along for god only knows how long until he either got bored or met someone else he *does* wish to marry. Sorry... Which would also explain why, when you ended it, he appeared to not give a shyt. He just did not wish to marry you....look within to determine why he didn't, and why your ex of seven years didn't either. And stop blaming the men...
Gaeta Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Because when one of the partners leaves (man or woman), the one who stays with the kids get hits with the costs. That ain't fair. On top of the lack of status and living with the betrayed trust. In what kind of country to you live-in that children aren't fully protected by the law - born or not in marriage? These principals are very difficult for me to understand I live in a country where no matter if a child was born from married or unmarried parents they are equally fully protected.
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 In what kind of country to you live-in that children aren't fully protected by the law - born or not in marriage? These principals are very difficult for me to understand I live in a country where no matter if a child was born from married or unmarried parents they are equally fully protected. They are in the U.S. as well Gaeta....don't know where the OP gets her info but the children will always be the court's first priority.
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Which would also explain why, when you ended it, he appeared to not give a shyt. He just did not wish to marry you....look within to determine why he didn't, and why your ex of seven years didn't either. And stop blaming the men... Nice try, chicklet My ex of 7 years came with a ring after i told him to pick up his stuff and leave. We were both turning 30. Still, didn't want a Ring with a gun at anyone's head. The Last dude kept telling me he could not give me an answer as to the question if he wanted to marry again. Not on the short term. But he also Said that out of all of his gfs, i am the one he admires most - and he feels inspired to be with me. Maybe bs for me to still linger around. Irrelevant, i am more than a catch, but nice try anyway . Now please step away from my thread. Your points, also valid, are not appreciated here, because u're not trying to help out, yoz're trying to destroy. I'm pretty well hit, save yourself the trouble and go bark at some other tree. Cheers 4
writergal Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You are not considering something which may possibly be more the truth than anything else... When you first started dating, and talking about it, he *was* open to marriage...but after dating you a few more months, he realized that marrying "you" was not going to work for him....thus his change of heart. You are assuming he knew all along he didn't want marriage which may not be the case at all. He just realized after a few months, that he just didn't want to marry *you.* So instead of feeling angry and bitter at his so-called *dishonesty,* perhaps you should be thankful that when push came to shove, he was honest with you, instead of stringing you along for god only knows how long until he either got bored or met someone else he *does* wish to marry. Sorry... She assumed he knew he didn't want to marry her because he didn't tell her that was how he really felt. Had Candie not pushed her boyfriend for the truth, who knows how long he would have misled her. He didn't just come to a realization that he didn't want to marry Candie. He had an "out" when they first met, to tell Candie that he wanted children before marriage. Had he told her that, Candie could have decided a lot earlier to leave the relationship. So, I think you have Candie pegged wrongly as though it's her fault. Well, it's not. Her boyfriend is to blame here because he wasn't truly honest with her when he should have been. So, for you to tell Candie that she SHOULD be thankful that her boyfriend finally told her the truth after she had to drag the truth out of him, comes across kind of haughty to me. As though Candie didn't handle the situation the way that you would have. 2
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 She assumed he knew he didn't want to marry her because he didn't tell her that was how he really felt. Had Candie not pushed her boyfriend for the truth, who knows how long he would have misled her. He didn't just come to a realization that he didn't want to marry Candie. He had an "out" when they first met, to tell Candie that he wanted children before marriage. Had he told her that, Candie could have decided a lot earlier to leave the relationship. So, I think you have Candie pegged wrongly as though it's her fault. Well, it's not. Her boyfriend is to blame here because he wasn't truly honest with her when he should have been. So, for you to tell Candie that she SHOULD be thankful that her boyfriend finally told her the truth after she had to drag the truth out of him, comes across kind of haughty to me. As though Candie didn't handle the situation the way that you would have. Trolling, looks like. It does sting like a b*tch that he's passive as hell. Can't help thinking that it's actually better in the long run, because I have no regrets, looking back. Nothing to save - that's one of my patterns, "try harder". Like u guys pointed out, not my issues. Maybe katie is right. Maybe with the right woman, or in time, he'll change his mind. Too bad convincing is not on my to do list. Nor is waiting... 3
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 They are in the U.S. as well Gaeta....don't know where the OP gets her info but the children will always be the court's first priority. Nope, Western Europe. 1
Author candie13 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I think a solo vacay is the best way to handle a breakup. Distract yourself with new sights, smells and sounds in a foreign city. Did you already cancel your tickets to the South of France? If not, go for it. Invite a friend to join you too if you like. Don't waste them if you can use them. Anyways, it's good that you found out after only 4-5 months your boyfriend's real feelings and intentions about marriage. He should have respected you and told you the truth upfront instead of the way he took advantage of you. Good riddance I say! And you didn't react over the top either. Venting is good for the soul and the boiling blood pressure, otherwise one would explode from the pent up feelings of anger. So, vent away Candie! You're amongst friends here! I'll be traveling home next week, i'll see my parents, my lil sister, her husband, her dog, it'll do me good. I think the most difficult period is the first week. First few weeks. It's my birthday in three weeks, I'll make an outing with my girlfriends. The trip in South of France was scheduled for end July. I hope I'll find someone to go with me there and not lose the tickets. Gotta ask around. Thank you for your thoughts, writergal, much appreciated! 1
writergal Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'll be traveling home next week, i'll see my parents, my lil sister, her husband, her dog, it'll do me good. I think the most difficult period is the first week. First few weeks. It's my birthday in three weeks, I'll make an outing with my girlfriends. The trip in South of France was scheduled for end July. I hope I'll find someone to go with me there and not lose the tickets. Gotta ask around. Thank you for your thoughts, writergal, much appreciated! Anytime my friend! 1
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Nice try, chicklet My ex of 7 years came with a ring after i told him to pick up his stuff and leave. We were both turning 30. Still, didn't want a Ring with a gun at anyone's head. The Last dude kept telling me he could not give me an answer as to the question if he wanted to marry again. Not on the short term. But he also Said that out of all of his gfs, i am the one he admires most - and he feels inspired to be with me. Maybe bs for me to still linger around. Irrelevant, i am more than a catch, but nice try anyway . Now please step away from my thread. Your points, also valid, are not appreciated here, because u're not trying to help out, yoz're trying to destroy. I'm pretty well hit, save yourself the trouble and go bark at some other tree. Cheers Not trying to destroy sweetness, just offering a different perspective tis all. But I will respectfully step away since you asked and since you are so hell bent on blaming your ex...nothing I say is gonna change that...so there is no point in doing so. Except to say I think it's a good rule of thumb to refect and introspect at the end of any relationship. That's how one learns and grows. It takes two to make a relationship and believe it or not, two to break it. Accepting your role in whatever breakdown occurred is crucial to your emotional health and growth. And I never said you were not a *catch*....just because one man doesn't want to marry you has nothing to do with your being a catch or not... Stepping away now...wish you the best....and good luck. Ciao! Edited May 14, 2015 by katiegrl
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