Redemption04 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Summary: I've been seeing this guy since Saint Patrick's day. I knew he had a fairly recent, long term (2 years), ex girlfriend who lives in another country. From my understanding, she cheated, and that's why they ended things a few months back. On Sunday, when I saw him, he seemed distracted. Even while we were being intimate. And it really irritated me. I've only done these things with 2 people ever (and he knows it), and for that reason..It made me feel even trashier that he was watching the tv screen while he touched me. I wondered why he was distracted. It seemed like he was somewhere else mentally. Last night, I asked him if he's heard from her. His response (AFTER BEING ASKED), "Yeah she writes me on facebook. On Sunday she asked if I could Skype, so we talked on Skype." Suddenly, the lightbulb went off. He had talked her to her, on Skype, a few hours before seeing me sunday night. Now I suddenly feel like I know WHY he was distracted. I was angry. He said quote, "Well I'm not going to be mean to her, I'm not going to not respond to her messages. I'm not that person. I talk to her the same as I would any of my friends." I'm not stupid--Men don't keep contact, especially recently post break up, with a woman they don't care about. And she wants him back. He said he told her about me (he told her about me the last time they talked, too), and she I guess said "I bet I'm prettier than her". He told me he sent her a picture of me, from my facebook. Again, made me feel weird and violated. I'm hurt and really trying to figure out what I should do. Things are becoming more "frequent" with him--We go out 3-4 times a week, we text every day, he's met my family multiple multiple times and they like him, and he got tested last week at my behest, and he's asked me to meet his family. I'm really starting to get scared I see the writing on the wall here--We'll sleep together, I'll permanently up my number, stop seeing other guys, and then POOF, by the time the 4th of July rolls around, he and the ex will get back togehter and I'll be left in the dust. Or worse--they'll just tell me nothing and because she's long distance, he'll do both. We're still at the stage where I don't care if he was seeing other girls..But by that I mean, NEW girls--girls like me, who don't have a basis and 2 years of history and love with him. Because neither me nor any other girl can compete with memories and feelings of a girl from a 2 year relationship. What should I do? I need advice? Edited May 13, 2015 by Redemption04
Toodaloo Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Did you have these conversations calmly and quietly? He got rid of her, she wants him back, he has said no and even sent pictures of his new girlfriend to her. That said I would quit the hanky panky and step back a bit. Reward positive behaviour (cuddles and kisses when he does not contact her) and reinforce the negative (no meeting up because you are out doing something better when he does contact her). Oh and make sure you are out doing something better... perhaps call him when you are there having fun and its too late for him to go and ask him why he isn't there its so much fun then hang up and finish a great evening. His attention needs to be on you not her... if he doesn't give you attention then stands to reason he should lose yours. Simple! 1
Author Redemption04 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Oh, and when I made a comment like WHY are you talking to her. He replied with, "Well I could have just lied to you and told you I hadn't."
Toodaloo Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Oh, and when I made a comment like WHY are you talking to her. He replied with, "Well I could have just lied to you and told you I hadn't." Is this going to become a tit for tat relationship??? Why not just write down everything he does wrong on a big bit of paper so you can drag it out every time your pissy with him and remind him about every wrong he has ever done... That way you won't miss anything off. If you don't like what he is doing then withdraw and do something fun for yourself. If you do like something he is doing encourage it.
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Summary: I've been seeing this guy since Saint Patrick's day. I knew he had a fairly recent, long term (2 years), ex girlfriend who lives in another country. From my understanding, she cheated, and that's why they ended things a few months back. On Sunday, when I saw him, he seemed distracted. Even while we were being intimate. And it really irritated me. I've only done these things with 2 people ever (and he knows it), and for that reason..It made me feel even trashier that he was watching the tv screen while he touched me. I wondered why he was distracted. It seemed like he was somewhere else mentally. Last night, I asked him if he's heard from her. His response (AFTER BEING ASKED), "Yeah she writes me on facebook. On Sunday she asked if I could Skype, so we talked on Skype." Suddenly, the lightbulb went off. He had talked her to her, on Skype, a few hours before seeing me sunday night. Now I suddenly feel like I know WHY he was distracted. I was angry. He said quote, "Well I'm not going to be mean to her, I'm not going to not respond to her messages. I'm not that person. I talk to her the same as I would any of my friends." I'm not stupid--Men don't keep contact, especially recently post break up, with a woman they don't care about. And she wants him back. He said he told her about me (he told her about me the last time they talked, too), and she I guess said "I bet I'm prettier than her". He told me he sent her a picture of me, from my facebook. Again, made me feel weird and violated. I'm hurt and really trying to figure out what I should do. Things are becoming more "frequent" with him--We go out 3-4 times a week, we text every day, he's met my family multiple multiple times and they like him, and he got tested last week at my behest, and he's asked me to meet his family. I'm really starting to get scared I see the writing on the wall here--We'll sleep together, I'll permanently up my number, stop seeing other guys, and then POOF, by the time the 4th of July rolls around, he and the ex will get back togehter and I'll be left in the dust. Or worse--they'll just tell me nothing and because she's long distance, he'll do both. We're still at the stage where I don't care if he was seeing other girls..But by that I mean, NEW girls--girls like me, who don't have a basis and 2 years of history and love with him. Because neither me nor any other girl can compete with memories and feelings of a girl from a 2 year relationship. What should I do? I need advice? St. Patrick's Day? That's two months ago. Really? You're meeting family, seeing each other 3 to 4 times per week? This is too fast, too soon from a man who recently broke up from a 2 year relationship and still communicating with her, doesn't respect your feelings on the subject and hurting you feelings. He's using you as a distraction from the pain of the break up and hoping they will work it out. You know what to do. Do it before you become more invested in him. You're already too invested. 2
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 That's what you get for dating a man freshly out of a relationship. You knew the risks so now you can't be acting SO SO surprised. 2
Author Redemption04 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I don't want it to be tit for tat. I really don't. I just want someone to be honest with me and NOT hung up on their ex. I ALSO don't think it's fair that he drops "Oh I could have just lied to you" like it's a trump card. Like telling someone you could have just lied doesn't exactly make the situation better. And honestly, now that he knows how I feel about it..I'm pretty sure he'd just lie in the future, and I'd have no clue. I shouldn't have to feel like the CIA while seeing someone--waiting for a big facebook bust, by visiting her page to see if he's liked her stuff repeatedly (again), or vice a versa. Toodoloo--I wouldn't know when to give negative/positive reinforcement, because he doesn't just openly tell me when they're talking. They skyped sunday, I talked to him on the phone Monday night and told him why I felt weird about the night before and asked him to tell me if anything was up (and he said no), he ONLY came forward with the information they've been talking when I cornered him in person last night, and it was to my face and lying would have been more difficult to pull off. I think I know what I should do.
preraph Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 He's just cheating while she's out of the country. Sorry, but there's really no other explanation. 1
Author Redemption04 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 He's just cheating while she's out of the country. Sorry, but there's really no other explanation. He isn't cheating on her. She's always lived in another country. It was long distance for years. She's not a citizen of our country.
MissBee Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Summary: I've been seeing this guy since Saint Patrick's day. I knew he had a fairly recent, long term (2 years), ex girlfriend who lives in another country. From my understanding, she cheated, and that's why they ended things a few months back. On Sunday, when I saw him, he seemed distracted. Even while we were being intimate. And it really irritated me. I've only done these things with 2 people ever (and he knows it), and for that reason..It made me feel even trashier that he was watching the tv screen while he touched me. I wondered why he was distracted. It seemed like he was somewhere else mentally. Last night, I asked him if he's heard from her. His response (AFTER BEING ASKED), "Yeah she writes me on facebook. On Sunday she asked if I could Skype, so we talked on Skype." Suddenly, the lightbulb went off. He had talked her to her, on Skype, a few hours before seeing me sunday night. Now I suddenly feel like I know WHY he was distracted. I was angry. He said quote, "Well I'm not going to be mean to her, I'm not going to not respond to her messages. I'm not that person. I talk to her the same as I would any of my friends." I'm not stupid--Men don't keep contact, especially recently post break up, with a woman they don't care about. And she wants him back. He said he told her about me (he told her about me the last time they talked, too), and she I guess said "I bet I'm prettier than her". He told me he sent her a picture of me, from my facebook. Again, made me feel weird and violated. I'm hurt and really trying to figure out what I should do. Things are becoming more "frequent" with him--We go out 3-4 times a week, we text every day, he's met my family multiple multiple times and they like him, and he got tested last week at my behest, and he's asked me to meet his family. I'm really starting to get scared I see the writing on the wall here--We'll sleep together, I'll permanently up my number, stop seeing other guys, and then POOF, by the time the 4th of July rolls around, he and the ex will get back togehter and I'll be left in the dust. Or worse--they'll just tell me nothing and because she's long distance, he'll do both. We're still at the stage where I don't care if he was seeing other girls..But by that I mean, NEW girls--girls like me, who don't have a basis and 2 years of history and love with him. Because neither me nor any other girl can compete with memories and feelings of a girl from a 2 year relationship. What should I do? I need advice? How long ago have things ended with them? If it was less than a year it's likely you're a rebound especially since you've only been with each other recently. That's the risk of dating someone fresh out of a long term relationship. I also think given him being so newly broken up (and still contacting his ex) that's highly likely the case and I think you've moved too fast with introducing him to family and all that kind of thing. If you feel a man isn't over his ex and is distracted by her so much so that he can't have sex with you, I think you have to be the wise one and bow out gracefully and allow him to deal with his feelings. A man over his ex will not engage her, send her pics of you, be distracted by her so he can't have sex etc. This is a fact. No boyfriend I've had really spoke to their ex (except the couple I dated who had a child with their ex) and certainly weren't distracted by her not to be able to have sex, neither did I need to constantly pester them about if they spoke to their ex or not as it was simply a non-issue. Likely, he will say he is over her, they are normal friends and you'll continue being insecure and jealous about it if you're seeing signs it isn't the case. You can't expect him to confirm your feelings, go with the evidence and how you feel. Hold back with this guy then and stop bringing him around your family and so on and pull back and take things slower so that you can feel where things are going. Also, get over the numbers idea, it is an idea that is meaningless and that "number" says nothing and is between you and God. You can't control if a relationship ends and therefore you will date others and your "number" will increase, that's the way of the world unless you plan to wait for marriage, otherwise you have no clue how many boyfriends you'll have before then so stop worrying about numbers as it's totally made up and it's not like people walk around with a sign above their head with their "number" or that it says anything fundamental about you as a person. Edited May 13, 2015 by MissBee
empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Here's the thing. Yes, it is wrong he still talks to his ex. In my experience that means there are still feelings...even if he blows it off like it doesn't mean anything. However, the way you're handling it will only push him further into that person's confidence...not bring you closer.
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Their conversations have had some impact on him, so much so to make him distracted, and defending the fact he was skyping with her. It's pretty plain, he still has feelings for her and not that bent out of shape from her cheating on him. He has no regard for you or your relationship to establish respectful boundaries to dismiss his ex's attempts to contact him. I'm sure if it was the other way around he would wig out on you about it. Now that the cat is out of the bag, and with his change in his demeanor, it's time to step out. Don't cling onto him hun, you will only get hurt.
preraph Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 He isn't cheating on her. She's always lived in another country. It was long distance for years. She's not a citizen of our country. Well, you said she had cheated on him, so if she can cheat on him, he can certainly cheat on her, long distance or no. I bet he still sleeps with her.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 .....I think I know what I should do. If it's "Break up with him, because he is clearly not over her at all, and is using me as a rebound" then I completely agree. You're an Option, where you should be the Priority. If they're done, finished, broken up, they shouldn't even be in touch at all.
Author Redemption04 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 If it's "Break up with him, because he is clearly not over her at all, and is using me as a rebound" then I completely agree. You're an Option, where you should be the Priority. If they're done, finished, broken up, they shouldn't even be in touch at all. Bingo. This is exactly what I'm going to do. And this is precisely the view I have on it. Smackie's post hit the nail on the head, too. This is mostly my fault--for getting involved with a guy who had recently been out of a breakup. This is my mistake. Now's the time for me to correct it.
No Limit Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You are a rebound. Honestly, I'd stay away from this guy if I were you, it will only end badly.
Author Redemption04 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I did it last night. I called and it took 3 hours. 3.5 HOURS on the phone. W went round and round and round. I didn't need a 3 hour phone call, in which he basically said nothing new or helpful. His favorite phrases included: "I don't want to be rude to her." and "I didn't know it would upset you if I talked to her (like duh)." I was kind of drunk, so I finally shared with him the full story of why I don't give men the benefit of the doubt, and why I can't just turn a blind eye. What happened to me. He cried. I heard everything from "I really like you" to "I was planning to ask you to be exclusive soon" to "We've been spending a lot of time together lately." to "I really like your family." to "You've been the only happy, positive thing in my life lately." I was getting angry at this point, "Well, apparently, that wasn't enough." He kept telling me she meant nothing to him, and he just treats her like a friend, he then told me he went a long time without talking her, and then they just started talking again. Because quote "I've moved on and I have nothing to be angry with her about". I thought..How does that make sense, you don't talk to her, and then after you get involved with other girls..THEN you start talking to her!? It's over. He even would get quiet and go "I don't want to hang up the phone, because I'm afraid I'll never hear you again." I thought..I wish he'd considered all of this a week ago.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (3.5 hours?? jeesh!!) The minute you could feel yourself hitting the same convo again, you should have hung up, but really, I know how hard it must have been for you to face the futility of this, particularly when he came out with lines like "if I put the phone down on you I'll never speak with you again." Emotional neediness, blackmail, coercion, guilt-dumping... whatever it was, it wasn't healthy. ...Talk about wanting your cake and eating it... Ideally, what he would like is to keep both of you, and that's just selfish..... I know it may smart, but you did the right thing.
Author Redemption04 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) (3.5 hours?? jeesh!!) The minute you could feel yourself hitting the same convo again, you should have hung up, but really, I know how hard it must have been for you to face the futility of this, particularly when he came out with lines like "if I put the phone down on you I'll never speak with you again." Emotional neediness, blackmail, coercion, guilt-dumping... whatever it was, it wasn't healthy. ...Talk about wanting your cake and eating it... Ideally, what he would like is to keep both of you, and that's just selfish..... I know it may smart, but you did the right thing. Thank you. I feel bad today, and I know it will get worse. In a perfect world, I wish he would fix himself and come back. But that's not gonna happen. He has issues only he can come to terms with and sort out for himself. And I hope remaining in contact with her was worth it for him--Sounds like they have lots to talk about the next time they Skype! I think he's a REALLY good guy, and very nice, and for that reason he probably didn't even realize it was inappropriate. It's sad because I could have seen this going somewhere..But he had to care about her feelings more than mine. Edited May 14, 2015 by Redemption04
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