deadelvis Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 yep. just drop the word boyfriend within the first few minutes. "my boyfriend is a Lakers fan" Boom. end of story 2
BlueIris Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I used to go to bars alone to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs since my team is out of state and there are bars that intentionally draw fans for a particular team. It’s great to be around a bunch of people from back home and everyone chatted it up. The conversation and camaraderie were why everyone was there, especially during playoffs! Just decline drinks and join the fans talking and cheering. My BF and I went to a playoff game at a bar loaded with folks from back home just a while ago and people were talking to each other spontaneously and comfortably. Completely normal for the region I'm from. He isn't from my part of the country so I think it seemed odd to him.
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Try putting a wedding band on when you go by yourself. - this also.
Author losangelena Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Thanks all for the replies. I think the suggestions to not go out by myself are ludicrous. Even though I have a BF and friends, I like doing things on my own sometimes, or conflicting schedules dictate that I do, and I won't stop doing that. This is a big city, and it's not weird to see people on their own here. Furthermore, just to clarify my point, it's not that I don't expect to get hit on at bars, or think that it's unreasonable, I'm really just curious to get advice on how to interact with men now that I'm in a relationship. Beforehand, when I was single, it seemed easier, because flirting seemed harmless. Now, it seems disrespectful to flirt, even if my BF isn't around. I felt like a deer in the headlights last night, because even though I wasn't attracted to the guy who bought me that drink, my nature (once you get past the "resting bitch face) is actually quite jovial and friendly. That friendliness I guess can be misconstrued as flirting. Yes, it was naive of me to accept that drink and not see it as an invitation for him to continue. A girlfriend I was texting with suggested that maybe he was just buying it to be friendly (she's more naive than I am!). Like I said, I didn't want to presume that he was hitting on me, so I didn't mention my BF even tangentially in conversation. Again, deer in the headlights. 2
rester Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 C'mon! if you hang in those kind of place by yourself OF COURSE you will be hit on ! duh! It's like going into a dealership and expecting no one will come up to you and try to sell you a car! Try putting a wedding band on when you go by yourself. My girlfriend does this. It doesn't fend off all attention, but it helps. yep. just drop the word boyfriend within the first few minutes. "my boyfriend is a Lakers fan" Boom. end of story This, too. Find a way to insert an opinion that your boyfriend shares into the conversation. It's not very subtle but it gets the point across. If the guy is merely hitting on you, he will probably stop interacting with you. If he's simply being friendly (despite what others might say, I do believe this is a possibility), he will continue to talk but at least he'll be aware that you are not available.
Krieger Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Say thanks but, I rather go Christmas fishing with Scott Peterson than hang out with you. :cool: 1
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 - this also. I keep a flashy fake diamond ring in my purse for those occasions. One time a guy was following me around in the grocery store....I slipped the ring on and made sure it was in his view....he dashed away. The key is to wear something that looks expensive....best deterrent ever.
Krieger Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I keep a flashy fake diamond ring in my purse for those occasions. One time a guy was following me around in the grocery store....I slipped the ring on and made sure it was in his view....he dashed away. The key is to wear something that looks expensive....best deterrent ever. Funny when I put on a mens wedding band woman hit on me more than ever. I am some where turned off but I only did it as a joke to see what would happen.
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 It may sound strange, but when I was together with the ex, I used to wear a cheap costume ring on my left ring finger when I went out. I noticed men would also hit on me a little at work, so I started wearing it there, too. It works about 90% of the time in men avoiding you. One of my girlfriends recommended it. 1
MissBee Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey peeps, it's been a while since I started a thread, but I'm curious to get some opinions on this. My BF and I are doing fine, better than the last time I posted (I have a key to his place now, and he invited me to leave my stuff over several weeks ago). Anyway, this post doesn't have anything to do with him, though. One of the nicest things about being in a relationship is that I no longer feel like I have to pay any attention to men when I'm out and about. I don't think I realized how aware I was of where the male attention was in a room until it no longer made any difference—I'm taken, so I don't really care what other men think. Since I'm pretty good at turning off the "interested and available" vibe, I haven't been approached in a serious way since being coupled. Now that the NBA playoffs are happening, I've been going to bars to watch the games, since I don't have a tv. My BF comes along when he can and/or wants to, but I'm also totally fine going by myself, sitting alone, enjoying a beer, and watching the game. I've done this four times now, and it wasn't until last night that I got good and properly hit on. This guy sitting next to me started making small talk, then when he and his buddies ordered their next round, he told the bartender to get me a drink as well. Now, I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I wanted to blurt out, "I have a boyfriend," and go sit on the other side of the bar. But I accepted his offer, and tried to remain friendly but still a bit aloof. Side note—I had no make up on and was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, so I wasn't exactly looking my best. Anyway, as the evening progressed, it was clear that, besides being downright rude, I was not going to get him to go away. Even looking at my phone or keeping my answers brief were not hints enough. I started to get a bit stressed over it all, and ended up leaving at halftime. As a single woman, I would have been totally unphased. I would have flirted, would've felt at ease, etc. But I don't know how to interact with men as an unavailable woman. It might be so easy/obvious to many of you, but I feel stumped. I genuinely didn't find this man attractive, and furthermore want to avoid behaving in any such way that would give my BF reason to question my behavior, even though he's not in any way a jealous type. So, how do I navigate the world of men as an unavailable woman, in a way that's friendly yet assertive? I feel like I don't know where the boundary is anymore. Thanks! I guess for me, I don't see it as a big deal and I treat it as I would when single.I mean, when I'm single half the men who hit on me are men I have ZERO interest in at all, so it's not really different when I'm taken. I'm polite, avert the attention if I can and if they are insistent I politely decline and say I'm taken and that usually solves it. When the guy first came up I understand it would be presumptuous to have just blurted out you have a bf, but if it got clear that he was hitting on you, you could have just casually mentioned something about your boyfriend. I am not however going to not go out because men hit on me when I'm taken. I think most people in relationships know their partner (unless completely undesirable to most people but them) will be hit on and should trust they will turn it down. When I'm with a guy I know women might hit on him and I expect he'll be polite but decline and I do the same. Be polite. Diffuse the situation politely if you can, and most times you can. If it's stronger just say "Thanks so much, but I have a boyfriend." If they are still insistent say it again and then ignore them if they won't respect that boundary. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 First mistake you made was accepting the drink, just say no thanks next time, it's polite but clearly says you're not interested.
MissBee Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Also, it seems you have anxiety about your interactions being misconstrued as flirting, but why worry about that? You cannot control other people's perceptions. What's the difference between flirting and being friendly? I would suggest the intention. I think flirting often has a sexual undertone or has innuendos embedded and more importantly, the reason you do it is with the end goal of getting that person's number and furthering the interaction (although you can also flirt and do all that and then leave it there because you like the process of flirting). While being friendly has no such intention behind it and you know you will not be pursuing anything. I wouldn't worry about if your interactions are considered flirting or not, so long as YOU know what they mean and don't mean. 1
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 First mistake you made was accepting the drink, just say no thanks next time, it's polite but clearly says you're not interested. I agree BC. While I will talk to guys and interact with them in a friendly way (if I were at a bar with friends -- I won't go by myself) and a man I am chatting with offers to buy me a drink, that is where I draw the line. I think that is misleading and I will politely decline... if he asks why, then I tell him I have a boyfriend... 1
Phoe Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Ehh, I see no reason for her to just plain NEVER go to a bar if that's where she likes to watch the game. There's no reason for anyone to presume that it should be impossible for a woman to watch TV in peace. I've frequented bars alone before with no problems. Best bet, like others said, is to quickly steer the conversation towards the fact that you have a boyfriend. Edited May 13, 2015 by Phoe
lana-banana Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I hang out at bars alone and read books or watch the game by myself when the man's out of town. Although men strike up conversations sometimes, about 50% of them are genuinely friendly, platonic chats about how much our football team sucks. A lot of people at bars are just lonely, bored, or both. I wouldn't necessarily assume everyone who's trying to make conversation is romantically interested. There's nothing wrong with chatting a little and seeing where the conversation leads. If they are interested, though, just say "no thank you" and ignore them. You can mention your boyfriend or any excuse you want, but just be clear that you ain't buyin' what they're sellin'. This should turn off about 75% of them. From personal experience I can tell you the other 25% will not care if you bring up your boyfriend, wear a fake engagement ring, say you have genital herpes, etc. In this case your best bet is to raise your voice loudly enough so the rest of the bar can hear you: something like "No, and please leave me alone". This is a double whammy because you're not just drawing attention to his rejection, but he also risks being kicked out. I guarantee that will take the most ardent suitors off your back, but it's an extreme measure. PS: In a moment of desperation I once tried the "I have genital herpes" excuse. His response: "Me too, baby!" 2
Woggle Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Just tell them you have somebody and under no circumstances would you ever cheat. That won't get rid of all of them but most guys will stay away.
clia Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I think the suggestions to not go out by myself are ludicrous. Even though I have a BF and friends, I like doing things on my own sometimes, or conflicting schedules dictate that I do, and I won't stop doing that. This is a big city, and it's not weird to see people on their own here. I totally agree with this! I enjoy going to a bar to watch a game by myself. I don't treat it any differently than when I was single. I'm friendly to the people around me, and honestly I don't presume a guy is hitting on me just because he wants to buy me a drink. Some people are just friendly and want to buy a round when they are enjoying the conversation. If they offer, you can just politely decline. You can be friendly and interact with men without flirting. And of course you can work the words "my boyfriend" into the conversation.
johndoe2 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm a guy, but when I go to bars alone I still have to worry more about unwanted male attention than unwanted female attention. ): And one time unwanted transsexual attention. Seriously. 1
Author losangelena Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Thanks again everyone! What you're saying sounds so simple, relatively anyway, and I don't why it felt so major last night.
johndoe2 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 In another thread we are discussing how dangerous it is to invite a stranger over to our home on a 1st-2nd-3rd date. Heading to a bar by yourself on a sport night, where men are getting drunk in groups and are high on testosterone is even LESS safe. Any of these men you're turning around could easily follow you when you leave - or any other weirdo being present that night and simply noticing you from across the room. I don't think it's nearly as dangerous as you describe it. At least where I live, incidents are extremely rare. And I live in the city and in a big college area what's more. It's not like when guys get drunk together they just start going around punching strangers or whatever; when they do punch they usually just punch each other. Real life isn't nearly as bad as Law and Order SVU. 1
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