losangelena Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey peeps, it's been a while since I started a thread, but I'm curious to get some opinions on this. My BF and I are doing fine, better than the last time I posted (I have a key to his place now, and he invited me to leave my stuff over several weeks ago). Anyway, this post doesn't have anything to do with him, though. One of the nicest things about being in a relationship is that I no longer feel like I have to pay any attention to men when I'm out and about. I don't think I realized how aware I was of where the male attention was in a room until it no longer made any difference—I'm taken, so I don't really care what other men think. Since I'm pretty good at turning off the "interested and available" vibe, I haven't been approached in a serious way since being coupled. Now that the NBA playoffs are happening, I've been going to bars to watch the games, since I don't have a tv. My BF comes along when he can and/or wants to, but I'm also totally fine going by myself, sitting alone, enjoying a beer, and watching the game. I've done this four times now, and it wasn't until last night that I got good and properly hit on. This guy sitting next to me started making small talk, then when he and his buddies ordered their next round, he told the bartender to get me a drink as well. Now, I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I wanted to blurt out, "I have a boyfriend," and go sit on the other side of the bar. But I accepted his offer, and tried to remain friendly but still a bit aloof. Side note—I had no make up on and was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, so I wasn't exactly looking my best. Anyway, as the evening progressed, it was clear that, besides being downright rude, I was not going to get him to go away. Even looking at my phone or keeping my answers brief were not hints enough. I started to get a bit stressed over it all, and ended up leaving at halftime. As a single woman, I would have been totally unphased. I would have flirted, would've felt at ease, etc. But I don't know how to interact with men as an unavailable woman. It might be so easy/obvious to many of you, but I feel stumped. I genuinely didn't find this man attractive, and furthermore want to avoid behaving in any such way that would give my BF reason to question my behavior, even though he's not in any way a jealous type. So, how do I navigate the world of men as an unavailable woman, in a way that's friendly yet assertive? I feel like I don't know where the boundary is anymore. Thanks!
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I think *one* of the reasons people go to bars to watch sports or whatever (as opposed to watching at home) is to talk and interact with people. Men and women.. Since you have no interest in doing that, might I ask why you *do* go? Surely you have a TV and beer at home? I am a bit confused about that. The only suggestion I have to avoid guys wanting to chat (um, hit you up) is to just not go....at least by yourself and sitting at the bar. Or sit at a table with your laptop and look preoccupied. But a woman sitting at the bar, by herself, is a invitation to guys for approach. Why not just have fun chatting and interacting? If he wants more than that, then thank him and tell him you are in a relationship. 2
El Pallasso Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You're at a bar. Of course, people are going to hit on you. Simply tell them thanks but you're not interested. You have to be aware that you'll have to do this to multiple guys. If it's such a problem, consider going to a friend's house to watch the games. 6
Author losangelena Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I think *one* of the reasons people go to bars to watch sports or whatever (as opposed to watching at home) is to talk and interact with people. Men and women.. Since you have no interest in doing that, might I ask why you *do* go? Surely you have a TV and beer at home? I am a bit confused about that. The only suggestion I have to avoid guys wanting to chat (um, hit you up) is to just not go....at least by yourself and sitting at the bar. Or sit at a table with your laptop and look preoccupied. But a woman sitting at the bar, by herself, is a invitation to guys for approach. Why not just have fun chatting and interacting? If he wants more than that, then thank him and tell him you are in a relationship. Katie, re-read please, I say in my first post that I don't have a tv. Besides, I personally LIKE going to bars and watching the game. It's more fun than at home, more energy and the like. I guess my question is more about how to respectfully interact with men now that I'm not single. I know that sounds like a simple thing to most, based on the answers I've already gotten here, but it gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I don't want to presume that any man wanting to chat also wants to get into my pants, but at the same time, I don't want my interactions to be misconstrued as flirting, when it's not. This is the first time I've gotten hit on in about eight months, and the first time as a non-single person, and it kind of freaked me out. 1
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Now, I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I wanted to blurt out, "I have a boyfriend," - You should listen to your intuition. That's exactly what you should do. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 It's funny how you said that you would have flirted if you were single, even though you didn't find the guy attractive..LOL But a guy will only offer to buy you a drink if he is sexually interested. So even if it feels awkward or the "not nice" thing to do, turn down the drink. This sends a clear message from the get go that you aren't interested. Think of it this way. If it was a telemarketer, would you sit through his entire sales pitch on the phone just to be nice? Or would you say "No thanks" rather quickly and hang up? Treat men that hit on you in the same way. If one offers to buy you a drink simply say "I'm flattered, but not interested. So please don't order me a drink". Then if he persists, that when you say "I have a boyfriend". 2
carhill Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Simply, in cases like this, focus on the interest and insert your SO into the conversation without making him the topic of any statement. As an example, in this instance, a simple comment like 'My BF usually is here too but couldn't make it tonight' or similar can suffice, then refocus back onto the players and stats and all that playoff-related stuff. A guy who's there for the game on TV will get right into that milieu. A guy who's there for the game of picking up a woman will move on. Once your rep has circulated, you should be left alone. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hey peeps, it's been a while since I started a thread, but I'm curious to get some opinions on this. My BF and I are doing fine, better than the last time I posted (I have a key to his place now, and he invited me to leave my stuff over several weeks ago). Anyway, this post doesn't have anything to do with him, though. One of the nicest things about being in a relationship is that I no longer feel like I have to pay any attention to men when I'm out and about. I don't think I realized how aware I was of where the male attention was in a room until it no longer made any difference—I'm taken, so I don't really care what other men think. Since I'm pretty good at turning off the "interested and available" vibe, I haven't been approached in a serious way since being coupled. Now that the NBA playoffs are happening, I've been going to bars to watch the games, since I don't have a tv. My BF comes along when he can and/or wants to, but I'm also totally fine going by myself, sitting alone, enjoying a beer, and watching the game. I've done this four times now, and it wasn't until last night that I got good and properly hit on. This guy sitting next to me started making small talk, then when he and his buddies ordered their next round, he told the bartender to get me a drink as well. Now, I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I wanted to blurt out, "I have a boyfriend," and go sit on the other side of the bar. But I accepted his offer, and tried to remain friendly but still a bit aloof. Side note—I had no make up on and was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, so I wasn't exactly looking my best. Anyway, as the evening progressed, it was clear that, besides being downright rude, I was not going to get him to go away. Even looking at my phone or keeping my answers brief were not hints enough. I started to get a bit stressed over it all, and ended up leaving at halftime. As a single woman, I would have been totally unphased. I would have flirted, would've felt at ease, etc. But I don't know how to interact with men as an unavailable woman. It might be so easy/obvious to many of you, but I feel stumped. I genuinely didn't find this man attractive, and furthermore want to avoid behaving in any such way that would give my BF reason to question my behavior, even though he's not in any way a jealous type. So, how do I navigate the world of men as an unavailable woman, in a way that's friendly yet assertive? I feel like I don't know where the boundary is anymore. Thanks! You simply keep the conversation light and polite and steer the conversation to the fact that you have an SO. Make a comment about the surroundings and say something like, "I like this place, I'm going to bring SO here one of these days". Or, I like this place, don't you? My SO and I come here often. What's your favorite thing on the menu? or I'm surprised we haven't seen each other before. 3
SoulCat Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 How about a firm but friendly 'No thanks, I've already got a drink. I'm just here to watch the game and I'm not looking for company'. Then, if they persist, maybe bring up the fact that you have a boyfriend and you really aren't interested. 6
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 C'mon! if you hang in those kind of place by yourself OF COURSE you will be hit on ! duh! It's like going into a dealership and expecting no one will come up to you and try to sell you a car! Try putting a wedding band on when you go by yourself. 4
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Katie, re-read please, I say in my first post that I don't have a tv. Besides, I personally LIKE going to bars and watching the game. It's more fun than at home, more energy and the like. I guess my question is more about how to respectfully interact with men now that I'm not single. I know that sounds like a simple thing to most, based on the answers I've already gotten here, but it gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I don't want to presume that any man wanting to chat also wants to get into my pants, but at the same time, I don't want my interactions to be misconstrued as flirting, when it's not. This is the first time I've gotten hit on in about eight months, and the first time as a non-single person, and it kind of freaked me out. Tv -- Oops sorry my bad for missing that! Not sure if this will help, but what I do is simply chat and interact (if I feel like it)...and if they ask me out I thank them and tell them I am in a relationship. If I don't feel like engaging, I'm cold as ice and they get the message real quick! But I love meeting and chatting with people in general, so I usually just do that, and if a guy wants more, I just tell him I have boyfriend. 2
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 C'mon! if you hang in those kind of place by yourself OF COURSE you will be hit on ! duh! It's like going into a dealership and expecting no one will come up to you and try to sell you a car! Try putting a wedding band on when you go by yourself. Like that would help....lol She'd probably have MORE men hitting her up....:bunny: 1
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Like that would help....lol She'd probably have MORE men hitting her up....:bunny: I don't know about the US but here in Canada during hockey play offs you can watch it in pretty much everywhere even a coffee shop. There is no need to get in a bar by yourself. I would not go in a bar by myself even if someone paid me big money to go. 2
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 In another thread we are discussing how dangerous it is to invite a stranger over to our home on a 1st-2nd-3rd date. Heading to a bar by yourself on a sport night, where men are getting drunk in groups and are high on testosterone is even LESS safe. Any of these men you're turning around could easily follow you when you leave - or any other weirdo being present that night and simply noticing you from across the room. 3
Toodaloo Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 C'mon! if you hang in those kind of place by yourself OF COURSE you will be hit on ! duh! It's like going into a dealership and expecting no one will come up to you and try to sell you a car! Try putting a wedding band on when you go by yourself. This. Or just say hey you know I think you would get on great with my boyfriend... Just be yourself and get on with it. if you don't want to end up like this again do not accept the drink he buys you even if its already brought. JUST SAY NO! Its easy two little letters and a tiny word to learn. 3
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Katie, re-read please, I say in my first post that I don't have a tv. Just go and buy a TV and some supermarket beer. No-one will hit on you. Problem solved. Unavailable women tend not to frequent bars by themselves, those that do, run the risk of being seen as available. 2
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I don't know about the US but here in Canada during hockey play offs you can watch it in pretty much everywhere even a coffee shop. There is no need to get in a bar by yourself. I would not go in a bar by myself even if someone paid me big money to go. I'm with you there! 3
Satu Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 There's no 100% reliable way of dealing with it, unfortunately... 1
preraph Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Losangelena, As others have pointed out, it's not unreasonable for a man to approach a woman at a bar. So it's up to you to handle it and NOT take a drink from him. Read Toodaloo's great post about saying no. How hard would it have been to say, "Oh, thanks, but I don't have a TV and am just hear to watch the game, and I have a boyfriend." 1
gaius Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Just go and buy a TV and some supermarket beer. No-one will hit on you. Problem solved. Unavailable women tend not to frequent bars by themselves, those that do, run the risk of being seen as available. I think it's just once you start accepting things from people, sometimes they'll feel you're in their debt and they have a right to ignore any f off vibes. I bet if she didn't let him buy her something he wouldn't have been so aggressive. 2
empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I think *one* of the reasons people go to bars to watch sports or whatever (as opposed to watching at home) is to talk and interact with people. Men and women.. Since you have no interest in doing that, might I ask why you *do* go? Surely you have a TV and beer at home? I am a bit confused about that. The only suggestion I have to avoid guys wanting to chat (um, hit you up) is to just not go....at least by yourself and sitting at the bar. Or sit at a table with your laptop and look preoccupied. But a woman sitting at the bar, by herself, is a invitation to guys for approach. Why not just have fun chatting and interacting? If he wants more than that, then thank him and tell him you are in a relationship. There is a difference in cultures as well. She is from L.A., and bigger cities live by different rules. One of the biggest culture shocks for me about New York was that it was normal to see people go to restaurants and bars by themselves just to enjoy a drink and a meal. It's not as convenient to grocery shop in larger cities, so sometimes to eat that's your only option. I agree that she should take everything in stride. Set boundaries up front. Enjoy interactions otherwise. If they get too pushy, tell the bartender or whoever can do something about it. Shoot, even as a guy I sick the bouncer on unruly dudes at bars when I have to (like if I see them being rude to women or to the space in general). 3
writergal Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Women should be allowed to go to a sports bar to watch a sports game if they want to. The best way to deal with men in bars is to just say no. If you go to a bar to do anything, there is 100% chance that men will hit on you...because you're in a bar where there is access to a lot of alcohol. Next time, just politely decline any drink offers with "No thanks, I'm not interested." That should be enough to swat the bar flys away. 4
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Women should be allowed to go to a sports bar to watch a sports game if they want to. The best way to deal with men in bars is to just say no. If you go to a bar to do anything, there is 100% chance that men will hit on you...because you're in a bar where there is access to a lot of alcohol. Next time, just politely decline any drink offers with "No thanks, I'm not interested." That should be enough to swat the bar flys away. And women should be able to walk in dark alleys at night without fearing for their security unfortunately we are not living in that world yet.
lemoncello Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 And women should be able to walk in dark alleys at night without fearing for their security unfortunately we are not living in that world yet. ...because of the men in the world. 2
Auspecial Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 For me, if I am in a relationship an find myself being hit on (not just flirted with,) I nicely tell them I have a boyfriend. Half won't listen and keep trying until I either get rude or walk away. A quarter are understanding and we can talk as fellow human beings enjoying time at the same location, the other quarter get nasty and entitled. So being that only about a quarter of them will treat me respectfully, I usually don't go out alone if I am in a relationship. Unless I am feeling confrontational myself. LOL
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