ASV Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Sorry for opening a new thread instead of bumping mine, ONCE AGAIN. But I feel this is something that could concern more than one dumpee... All these months I've been looking for a rebound. I just feel the urge to get with someone else to hold me down when I'm feeling bad and give me the sexual arousement I need in order to finish my working week with a smile on my face. Truth is that, even when I approach thousands of ladies at the pubs and discos, be it sober, with the help of alcohol or even with the help of party drugs, I get rejected. Even when I get to obtain a telephone number, that won't mean I'm dating that lady - seems like they're "oh, so busy" all the time. At least for me. And some of my friends, in fact. Even the ladies I've been interesting to and been interesting for me, even when I think I can manage to have a couple or three days without thinking of my ex since that new one "project" has "replaced" her, they don't feel the rush anymore to date or to accept dating during the weekend. I remember the day we broke up, that after my denial thoughts I got a semi-overwhelming sense of power that used to bring me down instead - i.e. I felt attractive to EVERY kind of woman but the one I was longing for. After these few months, well, it's not the case. Summer is coming, cleavages are showing, testosterone bursts out and here I am, alone, without being able to jerk off out of pity and self-loathing for having lost THAT ONE and being unable to pick up a different one. At first I blamed her boobs constantly, for they are absolutely unique, but as I'm writing this I've almost bursted out into tears due to a remembrance of her innocent and playful voice talking to me. Almost 5 months since BU, for a relationship that didn't even last more than half a year, for God's sake, how lower can I go? Back to the topic. As I'm trying to escape this harsh reality that she ain't never, ever coming back, and I'm working out like hell, working on meditation, NLP techniques and trying to avoid my comfort zone, I relapse to that feeling that I'm not moving on, that it's not possible for me, that I'm still at day ****ing one and time passes with no further result. I'm stuck and fearful that I ain't getting another girl - ever. Or, if I do, that may be in a loooooooong time, which I don't want to accept. When I go to the therapist, or when I moan to mommy, or when I cry in front of my friends, I get the same answer: "you must be content with yourself before looking for a complement as a relationship". Well. Couldn't it be that I can't? Couldn't it be my true will in life to have a gorgeous lady to feel validated with? Is it that rare that my only source of happiness comes from kissing a beautiful woman that *appears* to love me? Sincerely, I've read tutorials, I've went through practice, I've tried to believe in everything, but I'm still stuck at finding something to replace that absolutely top feeling in my life that was waking up next to her. I'm being creative. I write. I play guitar. Still I record music. And no, not a single project in my life gets me that high I only experienced being in such a relationship. And yeah, 24 years is fairly young to everyone, but taking in mind that she was my first one and appeared when I was 23, after 7 years hanging out, the simple thought that maybe I should wait to heal and then for 7 more years in order to find another one..., just the slightest idea makes me want to call it quits and hang myself. Hints? Ideas? Thoughts?
fireflywy Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I often feel the same way. Many people always ask what your dreams are and mine has been to share a life with someone, have a nice job with enough money to not worry, and then die happy loving someone. I'm not out to conquer the world or be rich (im sure this upsets many, many women who put value into status rather then meaning in life) but there it is. Like you, I'm finding it hard to validate myself and my own meaning with someone because I have the above valued. I like feeling loved and valued as well. It FEELS good and no other activity feels the same or as important as being with another. With that said, I'm trying to shed this perception. I have value even though I knot not what it is. You and I are going through what alchemists referred to as the cave where we are searching to find individual meaning and transformation. Only time will tell if you emerge as a shadow or a legend in command of his own destiny. 1
Author ASV Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I often feel the same way. Many people always ask what your dreams are and mine has been to share a life with someone, have a nice job with enough money to not worry, and then die happy loving someone. I'm not out to conquer the world or be rich (im sure this upsets many, many women who put value into status rather then meaning in life) but there it is. Like you, I'm finding it hard to validate myself and my own meaning with someone because I have the above valued. I like feeling loved and valued as well. It FEELS good and no other activity feels the same or as important as being with another. With that said, I'm trying to shed this perception. I have value even though I knot not what it is. You and I are going through what alchemists referred to as the cave where we are searching to find individual meaning and transformation. Only time will tell if you emerge as a shadow or a legend in command of his own destiny. Nice answer once again, my friend. You're so right. I may be young, but I feel already old - I don't want to keep on partying or meeting new people. I just want to have a dayjob (whether I like it or not), books, spare money to buy records and a beautiful wife to trust in and feel loved by. That would be, for me, the squaring of the circle that so many alchemists refer to - isn't copulation in itself an act of communion between opposites?
Simon Phoenix Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You need to relax and stop making sex the end-all, be-all of your life. Women can smell desperation from a mile away, which probably has a lot to do with you getting rejected. You probably give off a predator vibe unwittingly. You'd probably have more success just looking to have a fun time and relaxing. You are putting so much pressure on yourself every time you try to meet someone that you are giving off a vibe that can be off-putting. I was guilty of this a bit in my younger years. Instead of trying to bury your bone, just try to have a friendly conversation and get a number. Baby steps. If you relax, women will relax around you. If you are relaxed, your natural personality will seep to the surface, not this ultra-horny persona you got going now. And you'll probably get a lot more women drawn to you. But yeah, I realize we all get horny, but you might be putting p*ssy on a pedestal in this most literal form. Women are more than their lady parts. 2
fireflywy Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) You need to relax and stop making sex the end-all, be-all of your life. Women can smell desperation from a mile away, which probably has a lot to do with you getting rejected. You probably give off a predator vibe unwittingly. You'd probably have more success just looking to have a fun time and relaxing. You are putting so much pressure on yourself every time you try to meet someone that you are giving off a vibe that can be off-putting. I was guilty of this a bit in my younger years. Instead of trying to bury your bone, just try to have a friendly conversation and get a number. Baby steps. If you relax, women will relax around you. If you are relaxed, your natural personality will seep to the surface, not this ultra-horny persona you got going now. And you'll probably get a lot more women drawn to you. But yeah, I realize we all get horny, but you might be putting p*ssy on a pedestal in this most literal form. Women are more than their lady parts. This is all very true. Sex isn't the end all, be all. It's a fun benefit of course. I can't say I'm desperate for sex as I went 4 years prior to meeting my ex without it and I know I can do it again at 37. I certainly never came across as desperate when I met her as I wasn't even looking. Lol Yeah, I was focused on myself and bettering my lot in life which has yet to materialize and was put on hold for a year*and half waiting to see if HER dreams would materialize. I was ready to support her in her endeavors. Nothing wrong with wanting that reciprocity in a relationship. *sigh* Anyway, in the whole, sex shouldn't be put on a pedestal, don't pressure yourself too much in the future when meeting someone new, and just life your life the best you can. It sucks, it may be lonely at times at the end of the day, but there is always something wonderful that will come as winters in life become summers. Remember that Van. Edited May 13, 2015 by fireflywy 2
thorin Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Yeah, yeah...I have tried changing a job, saving money, drinking to black outs, partying being sober, working out hard, dancing lessons, focusing on university (oh, maybe not that one ), moving out of parents house - and guess what, I still feel like **** when she texts me and I find out she does not care about me anymore. Even although I was changing my life so much in different directions. So I began thinking, that to get over her, I have to either find a new girlfriend, or just get used to the pain. But I decided that I'm young (22), so I give myself a year or two to find another one, making progress meanwhile. This mindset helps especially, because subconciously I want the first option, but can't get it
Author ASV Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 You need to relax and stop making sex the end-all, be-all of your life. Women can smell desperation from a mile away, which probably has a lot to do with you getting rejected. You probably give off a predator vibe unwittingly. You'd probably have more success just looking to have a fun time and relaxing. You are putting so much pressure on yourself every time you try to meet someone that you are giving off a vibe that can be off-putting. I was guilty of this a bit in my younger years. Instead of trying to bury your bone, just try to have a friendly conversation and get a number. Baby steps. If you relax, women will relax around you. If you are relaxed, your natural personality will seep to the surface, not this ultra-horny persona you got going now. And you'll probably get a lot more women drawn to you. But yeah, I realize we all get horny, but you might be putting p*ssy on a pedestal in this most literal form. Women are more than their lady parts. Maybe you're getting the wrong impression of me, or I'm not expressing myself as the real me. Have to admit, being an anonymous forum user, that I haven't had sex with the number of women I should in order to be proud of. I have a kind of trauma from teenage years in which all my partners started dating and I was kept unseen for a lot of time. Then I grew up, started to hang out, and still I felt myself unappreciated by women to the extent they wanted to have sex with me, even when I managed to get more makeouts than I could possibly have afforded in another life. Nevermind. I may reflect the anxiousness my gullible self has adopted from the current times, in which everything gets hipersexualized. But believe me, if you read between my lines about curvy women and hanging boobs, you'll eventually see the much more humane and profound me, who enjoys a nice chat on Russian literature as much as the occasional sex (in fact, most of the times sex is worthless, moreover when I'm still mentally clingy to my ex). I fail to realize how can I transpire that neediness when, in fact, I'm usually going out without expectations and trying to have a cool chat. Anyway, that was not the point of the topic - even though I'm grateful for your answer. I'm still failing to see a point to a life devoid of a woman - or, to be more concrete, without HER. I guess the feelings will eventually fade, or not. Thing is that it's being a "long, cold winter" in here, and that's for sure. And still I cannot place faith unto the thought that summer will come, given my poorish sentimental history.
AIJ Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Not gonna lie you come off as a little bit of an odd ball. I've read a handful of your threads before and it tends to always revert back to your ex's boobs and sex in general. Little weird. Can always get one of those weird fleshlight things if you get that desperate buddy..
Author ASV Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Not gonna lie you come off as a little bit of an odd ball. I've read a handful of your threads before and it tends to always revert back to your ex's boobs and sex in general. Little weird. Can always get one of those weird fleshlight things if you get that desperate buddy.. Once again, I'm sorry I've given that impression of me. But I already know about fleshlights, and hookers, and so on. I think it's obvious why I don't feel like going into those realms without any need to talk about "higher values" overtly. BTW, nothing but apologies if I'm using the wrong register. But, even when a lot of real frustration gets filtered into the boobie thing, there's also some kind of self-deprecating humor. Maybe not the best one to use on a forum where no one gets the intonation et al. Hell, I've also browsed my last posts in order to find such sentimental aberrations and I'm unable to feel that awkwardness I should feel ashamed of... Edited May 13, 2015 by Van Norden
ManyDissapoint Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Do you work? Are you a student? Try getting a second job that's social in nature. My serious job is about as devoid of meaningful human interaction as possible, much less with interesting females. Now I teach English on the side to 17 - 24 year old girls as well as younger children. It really helps, although I won't get into the mechanics of how it does. I don't judge you for your obsession about breasts really. I was always a boob guy. I got reprogrammed though. Now I'm more of a vagina man.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Maybe you're getting the wrong impression of me, or I'm not expressing myself as the real me. Have to admit, being an anonymous forum user, that I haven't had sex with the number of women I should in order to be proud of. I have a kind of trauma from teenage years in which all my partners started dating and I was kept unseen for a lot of time. Then I grew up, started to hang out, and still I felt myself unappreciated by women to the extent they wanted to have sex with me, even when I managed to get more makeouts than I could possibly have afforded in another life. Nevermind. I may reflect the anxiousness my gullible self has adopted from the current times, in which everything gets hipersexualized. But believe me, if you read between my lines about curvy women and hanging boobs, you'll eventually see the much more humane and profound me, who enjoys a nice chat on Russian literature as much as the occasional sex (in fact, most of the times sex is worthless, moreover when I'm still mentally clingy to my ex). I fail to realize how can I transpire that neediness when, in fact, I'm usually going out without expectations and trying to have a cool chat. Anyway, that was not the point of the topic - even though I'm grateful for your answer. I'm still failing to see a point to a life devoid of a woman - or, to be more concrete, without HER. I guess the feelings will eventually fade, or not. Thing is that it's being a "long, cold winter" in here, and that's for sure. And still I cannot place faith unto the thought that summer will come, given my poorish sentimental history. No, it's readily apparent that you don't have much of a sexual history. I'm not saying that to knock you at all -- it doesn't make you any less or better of a person. But you do seem way too transfixed on this woman (especially the sex part of it) because you have very little else to compare her to. For whatever reason you decided you needed to go all-in with her and now your desperation reeks out. If we can sense it, I'm sure women you try to meet can sense it. And I'm sure your ex sensed it, which is probably a big reason why she's your ex. Women do not want to be the primary reason for your happiness, especially early on. It unnerves them. And harping on the past will prevent you from branching out in the future. This has the potential to be a great learning and growing experience for you, but you are wasting it but obsessing about the shape of her boobs and desperately trying to find a replacement.
Author ASV Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) No, it's readily apparent that you don't have much of a sexual history. I'm not saying that to knock you at all -- it doesn't make you any less or better of a person. But you do seem way too transfixed on this woman (especially the sex part of it) because you have very little else to compare her to. For whatever reason you decided you needed to go all-in with her and now your desperation reeks out. If we can sense it, I'm sure women you try to meet can sense it. And I'm sure your ex sensed it, which is probably a big reason why she's your ex. Well, once again it's all because of the openness I'm talking in this forum about my mourning and loss. I like getting laid - who doesn't? But in fact I'm primarily enjoying meeting new people with no real expectations of anything. Whereas I agree with the point that my ex could have felt some kind of insecurity at the end, I don't with the desperation thing. I was NEVER pushy or clingy to her. Either way, it utterly devastates me for I know it's irreversible. And here I'm not grieving the boobs but the complete pack, which I sincerely adored with or without that neediness you're talking about. So what am I supposed to do now? Hang out less? Wait "for the right woman" to arrive? Edit: So many posts in this forum cheer me up. This one had left me sincerely crushed, but maybe I needed to see straight, so I thank you for that. Anyway, as paradoxical as it sounds, if only I could get the security that my ex will give me another chance once we meet again in a lifetime and I'm more emotionally stable, the struggle may have a meaning to me. And yes, I'm talking about years, not weeks or months, and the boobs may not look as great as they do now, so you get my point behind my colloquial speech. I surely miss HER and the set of non-physical attributes she held. I know I may be idealizing, but it really devastates me beyond comprehension to think that I've seriously screwed it up with no possibility to get her back, ever. Edited May 14, 2015 by Van Norden
Simon Phoenix Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I didn't mean to make you feel like crap, but you are coming at this at the wrong angle. You are inexperienced, so this seems like the end of the world to you. But it's really a great opportunity if you allow it to be. Very few people stay with their first loves. As they grow, they meet better people who are a better emotional fit. I can honestly say that every girl I've had an emotional breakup with was better than the one before her. And the reason was that I used every breakup as an opportunity to improve (after the natural mourning). But that's never going to happen if you stay stuck in the obsessive muck. There are more fish in the sea. It's time to let this fish go.
Author ASV Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) There are more fish in the sea. It's time to let this fish go. Well, I can definitely feel your point. I know that oneitis is nothing more than an optical effect that draws attention to things that, in fact, are worthless. My friends keep on telling me that "I could have done much better than with that girl". But thing is that, after being proposed and proposing countless times, no one got that mutual spark burning but her. She attends to events and venues were there are very little attractive women and where I'd like to go if it wasn't for her now. That thing alone makes me want things get fixed in a future, since I don't want to avoid more concerts or social events due to possible return to square one. And I really liked hanging out with her with such kind of places. There may be more fish in the sea, but certainly not a lot with the combination of physical grooming, tongue-in-cheek humor and countercultural tastes. I mean, it's not like we won't meet again. I know a 2nd chance now would be suicidal, but I sincerely hope we could start again from the scratch, older and wiser and without all that neediness that bound ourselves (both - I'm not the only one to blame here when she also confessed that she felt like transpiring much clinginess to me). In other words, I'd be more than willing to live my life for me if she was to enhance it someday. Until then, I know my rules and I'm staying NC and trying to improve myself each day, be it physically or mentally. Edited May 14, 2015 by Van Norden
DJOkawari Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) There are more fish in the sea. It's time to let this fish go. I provide you with this entirely unhelpful quote: People say "There are other fish in the sea" I say,"F.uck you; she was my sea." - J. Faulkner But more relevantly, Van Norden, in my opinion, it is pretty absurd to think that you need the validation of another to feel good. It's a problem from my perspective. Let's face it, we are all alone and we're all dealing with things alone at any given moment. Relationships are great but it is entirely an illusion to think two people are sharing that experience - it's two people having two different experiences, together. That's why break ups happen. I used to feel the same as you about the events, tastes, and that whole "let's meet again" vibe. If you stick to healing eventually you wake up as a different person than you were in that relationship. Actually, you're already different now but it takes time to feel it. When you realize you're different, you'll see the relationship as a memory rather than something ongoing. It sort of undermines the absurd importance people put on romantic relationships in general but the fact that it happened is neither good nor bad nor important nor meaningful. It's just whatever you make of it - which is to say it is a good thing if you want to see it that way. I don't really have any advice about your other endeavors with members of the opposite sex but from what you've posted I feel that you're avoiding the real problem if you found someone new to validate you right now. Echoing what Simon Phoenix said, this could be a great opportunity for you - I'm saying that from the perspective of someone who is basically emotionally at the same place you've described. Edited May 14, 2015 by DJOkawari
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Watch this man - lots of good break up videos directed at men. https://www.youtube.com/user/MD007ish/videos
Gwwm123 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 OP Bro I feel your pain, I can relate to you completely. I understand your clinginess towards her, both for the physical and emotional part because I am going through the same thing. I am a boob guy, I like curvy girls and I will not settle for any other type of women. Does that mean I am only looking for the physical aspect of women? No, I have gone out with a couple of busty and curvy girls and I could not get past the first 2 dates, we had completely different interests and our conversations were dull to say the least. Interestingly enough, I started to ignore both and guess what they were the ones texting me to hang out, but I am was not looking to just have sex, I was and am looking for a true and meaningful relationship. I never had sex with this girl that left me heartbroken, 6 months I waited, and nothing, we sleeped once in the same bed and it was as if she wasnt there, it got to a point where is was too much to bare, she wasnt involved in the relationship at any level, she took me for granted and partly because I made her feel that way, her wishes were my command. Consider youself lucky, at least you really enjoyed this person you were with in every level during the time you were together. On my up days , I feel attraction towards girls I see on the streets, on my down days I just want my ex back so so bad. Chin up man, you are not alone.
fireflywy Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 (edited) Watch this man - lots of good break up videos directed at men. https://www.youtube.com/user/MD007ish/videos I know this man and have written him a few times. He helped me a lot. A very nice guy. Good videos. Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
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