Guy invites himself over

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would be put off too.

 

It's totally your call about if you want to proceed or are turned off enough to decline altogether.

 

If you do decide to go, I'd simply meet him downstairs. Have him call you when he is close and be waiting right outside the door, that way he has no excuse to come upstairs or wait for you or anything. But yea, the part that's a turn off for me is when guys suggest things knowing their intentions but try to pull a fast one about "it's easier" and nonsense like that when it makes no sense and I wasn't born last night . I much prefer men who are gentlemen and who don't come on heavy or try to insert themselves too fast but allow me to know them and invite them and set the pace, so because of that I too would be turned off by a man who did that as it shows the exact opposite.

 

Exactly this. Suggesting coming to my apartment was such a giant turn off. I mean dude, I know how to invite you to my apartment if I want to. It's actually even worse than inviting me to his.

 

I bet that he is gonna ask to "walk me home" tonight and suggest he comes in

[Diezel]

Guy tries something. It's bad.

Guy doesn't try something. It's bad.

 

Listen, you told him that you'd rather meet there.

Still go on the date.

 

See how it goes. If he invites himself in, shut him down again.

 

That's it. That's all.

But you do have to realize as men, we have damned if we do and damned if we don't scenarios. You are rightfully setting up your boundaries accordingly. A week ago you were posting about how attractive this guy was, and now the suggestion of him coming to your place is a turn-off?

[Toodaloo]

Exactly this. Suggesting coming to my apartment was such a giant turn off. I mean dude, I know how to invite you to my apartment if I want to. It's actually even worse than inviting me to his.

 

I bet that he is gonna ask to "walk me home" tonight and suggest he comes in

 

Well stay safe. Remember to pay attention to those hairs on the back of your neck... if they stand up exit left fast!!!

 

Do what you feel comfortable with and make sure your intentions are clear.

 

As I keep saying if you are uncomfortable just say no!

 

Good luck!

[Eternal Sunshine]

So I actually had a nice time. He wasn't sexually pushy at all and didn't ask to come to my apartment. We have date no 4 set for this Saturday (in public).

 

He keeps telling that I'm gorgeous :/

[writergal]

So I actually had a nice time. He wasn't sexually pushy at all and didn't ask to come to my apartment. We have date no 4 set for this Saturday (in public).

 

He keeps telling that I'm gorgeous :/

 

Way to stick to good boundaries ES! The men in the thread who poo-poo you for doing that are 100% wrong.

[PegNosePete]

That's great news ES, good luck with #4

 

Hopefully this is a good lesson in keeping it simple and not over-analysing! He asked if it was OK to pick you up, you said no, and he respected that. All is good. There's no reason to write him off for the mere fact that he asked.

[Gaeta]

 

He keeps telling that I'm gorgeous :/

 

How do you feel about that?

 

If I am bombarded with compliments solely on my looks I know the man is only into my cuteness-image and not into 'me'.

[katiegrl]

Exactly this. Suggesting coming to my apartment was such a giant turn off. I mean dude, I know how to invite you to my apartment if I want to. It's actually even worse than inviting me to his.

 

I bet that he is gonna ask to "walk me home" tonight and suggest he comes in

 

So when was the date? I thought it was tonight as your above post posted at 2:29 a.m. this morning...at least that is what it shows on my computer.

 

Your post saying you had a good time was posted at 5:53 a.m. this morn.

 

I think the times must be way off on my computer....

 

I am glad to hear you had a great time! Yay.....:bunny:

[hotpotato]

How do you feel about that?

 

If I am bombarded with compliments solely on my looks I know the man is only into my cuteness-image and not into 'me'.

 

Maybe he thinks shes gorgeous and has a great personality, etc.

[lemoncello]

Guy tries something. It's bad.

Guy doesn't try something. It's bad.

 

Listen, you told him that you'd rather meet there.

Still go on the date.

 

See how it goes. If he invites himself in, shut him down again.

 

That's it. That's all.

But you do have to realize as men, we have damned if we do and damned if we don't scenarios. You are rightfully setting up your boundaries accordingly. A week ago you were posting about how attractive this guy was, and now the suggestion of him coming to your place is a turn-off?

 

On one hand, you support Eternal Sunshine for having good boundaries, but then you chastise her for having good boundaries. Which is it?

 

When men invite themselves over to a woman's apartment after only 2 dates, that's beyond tacky...that's inappropriate. And Eternal Sunshine made it clear that her apartment was out of the way from both their workplace addresses and from the restaurant.

 

Any woman with good boundaries will be turned off by men who invite themselves over.

 

That's great news ES, good luck with #4

 

Hopefully this is a good lesson in keeping it simple and not over-analysing! He asked if it was OK to pick you up, you said no, and he respected that. All is good. There's no reason to write him off for the mere fact that he asked.

 

Good lesson? There is no good lesson for Eternal Sunshine because she didn't do anything wrong and I don't think that she's over-analyzed his action.

 

The facts are these: they went on 2 nice dates. He bombarded her with social media communication. Then he invited himself over to her apt. on their 3rd date. She said no. That rejection then changed the way he communicated with the OP as his online communication dwindled to nothing except for a date confirmation. Coincidence? I think not.

 

The lesson here is actually for men: don't assume that a woman will let you come over to her place just because you had 2 nice dates with her.

 

I don't blame Eternal Sunshine for feeling put-off by his self-invite. I am glad that he treated her with respect on their date and didn't push her for sex at her apartment.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think that she's over-analyzed his action.

She totally was, she was considering breaking the date completely simply because he asked to meet at her place.

 

Instead she followed advice from this thread and had a nice date with him.

 

I'd call that a win for keeping it simple, not thinking too deeply about the meanings behind actions, and not making assumptions based on trying to read between the lines.

[jen1447]

Glad it worked how you wanted it.

 

Maybe he's a normal guy who just got some bad advice on 'strategies' or 'tactics' on some other relationship website.

 

"Dude, you HAVE to do this EVERY TIME or she won't respect you, just TELL HER ur going to her place, I GUARANTEE it'll work!" <- leaving out the part about how he's had two dates in his life.

[Ariadne]

He hasn't texted ever since. Usually he was texting and calling non stop (another flag).

 

He keeps telling that I'm gorgeous :/

 

And another red flag IME.

 

Glad that at least you are attracted to this one.

 

Have fun on Saturday!

[writergal]

She totally was, she was considering breaking the date completely simply because he asked to meet at her place.

 

Instead she followed advice from this thread and had a nice date with him.

 

I'd call that a win for keeping it simple, not thinking too deeply about the meanings behind actions, and not making assumptions based on trying to read between the lines.

 

I disagree with you that the OP over-analyzed.

 

A man who has only been on 2 dates with a woman doesn't ask her to go out of her way after work to meet him at her apartment before dinner unless he has an ulterior motive, i.e. sex. The OP clearly stated that her apt. was totally out of the way from where the restaurant is located. So, it wouldn't have made any sense to meet there.

 

The OP went on her date with reservations. No woman expects a man she barely knows to invite himself over on their 3rd date for obvious reasons.

 

There was no reading between the lines as you say. Actions speak louder than words. And the actions of this man show that he had a motive for inviting himself over to the OP's apartment.

 

The fact that he didn't try anything on their 3rd date shows that the OP's boundaries worked and he respected them, which he had tested before when he asked to come over before their 3rd date which is a big no-no.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree Pete because we see the situation from a completely different POV. We're all just different shades of Pantone.

Edited May 14, 2015 by writergal

[katiegrl]

I disagree with you that the OP over-analyzed.

 

A man who has only been on 2 dates with a woman doesn't ask her to go out of her way after work to meet him at her apartment before dinner unless he has an ulterior motive, i.e. sex. The OP clearly stated that her apt. was totally out of the way from where the restaurant is located. So, it wouldn't have made any sense to meet there.

 

The OP went on her date with reservations. No woman expects a man she barely knows to invite himself over on their 3rd date for obvious reasons.

 

There was no reading between the lines as you say. Actions speak louder than words. And the actions of this man show that he had a motive for inviting himself over to the OP's apartment.

 

 

 

****The fact that he didn't try anything on their 3rd date shows that the OP's boundaries worked and he respected them, which he had tested before when he asked to come over before their 3rd date which is a big no-no. *****

 

 

 

We'll have to agree to disagree Pete because we see the situation from a completely different POV. We're all just different shades of Pantone.

 

Quote in asterisk --- totally agree --- good job ES!

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Glad your 3rd date with Mr. InvitesHimselfOver went well, ES!

 

My question to you is, when will you feel comfortable enough to invite him over to your apartment (or when will you feel comfortable to say 'yes' to him if he asks you if he can pick you up at your place?) Like on the 6th or 7th date? Or maybe earlier than that if you get a good respectful vibe from him?

 

For me personally, I'd be VERY leery of inviting any guy over to my place; even if it's just for him to pick me up there. Any guy can be on his best behavior for days (and even weeks) until they gain access inside of your home or know where it's located. With all of the creeps, rapists, stalkers and sociopaths out there who cleverly disguise themselves as decent normal guys, it's getting more difficult for women to ascertain which ones are trustworthy and which ones definitely aren't. And for women like me who have children, we have to be EXTRA careful before letting a stranger or a guy we're dating to know our address, or even where we work.

 

 

.

[smackie9]

And another red flag IME.

 

Glad that at least you are attracted to this one.

 

Have fun on Saturday!

All those things are always pointed out in those articles :"How to Spot a Player"

[Eternal Sunshine]

FYI guys, his level of communication signifanctly dropped off since I said no to the apartment thing. He used to text me and social media message me all day long, now it's barely once a day. I actually prefer less messages because it's too distracting at work and I like more space. Still, I don't think it's a concidence.

 

I am still willing to give it a shot providing he sticks to my boundaries. We will see.

[Ruby Slippers]

With all of the creeps, rapists, stalkers and sociopaths out there who cleverly disguise themselves as decent normal guys, it's getting more difficult for women to ascertain which ones are trustworthy and which ones definitely aren't.

So totally agree. I only did online dating once before, in 2012. Now, just 3 years later, it seems to me that men are far craftier at putting up a totally false front at first. Once they figure out I'm not an easy mark, the facade crumbles in one swift move. It's almost shocking how completely full of crap some (most?) of these guys are.

[Eternal Sunshine]

So totally agree. I only did online dating once before, in 2012. Now, just 3 years later, it seems to me that men are far craftier at putting up a totally false front at first. Once they figure out I'm not an easy mark, the facade crumbles in one swift move. It's almost shocking how completely full of crap some (most?) of these guys are.

 

Yup. That's my other worry. Letting OLD strangers in my apartment is really risky. I have no idea who he is. We don't have friends in common. He could tell me anything and pretend to be anyone. This is just in addition to not being ready for sex.

 

I feel like sincere men that do OLD know this and would let the woman lead with alone time/apartment invites.

[Haydn]

FYI guys, his level of communication signifanctly dropped off since I said no to the apartment thing. He used to text me and social media message me all day long, now it's barely once a day. I actually prefer less messages because it's too distracting at work and I like more space. Still, I don't think it's a concidence.

 

I am still willing to give it a shot providing he sticks to my boundaries. We will see.

 

Maybe he has some boundaries as well?

 

Don`t you ever take anything positive away from dating?

 

Hope you had a good night out though.

[ascendotum]

With all of the creeps, rapists, stalkers and sociopaths out there who cleverly disguise themselves as decent normal guys, it's getting more difficult for women to ascertain which ones are trustworthy and which ones definitely aren't. And for women like me who have children, we have to be EXTRA careful before letting a stranger or a guy we're dating to know our address, or even where we work.

I don't necessarily think a single mother has to all the more suspicious about a guy picking her up from work or home for a date. A guy is not going to kidnap or attack his date's children. Sure they have to be careful on introducing their men to their kids if they suspect they are not going to stick around and don't want a procession of guys coming & going in their lives.

 

As for rapists, really how many online dating serial rapists news stories are out there. For all the hundreds of millions of dates can you link to a handful from the last few yrs. There was a post here recently on the topic and someone posted a stat showing rape was down 60% in like the last 15 yrs and this is during the boom OLD times. I know someone posted a story here about some guy pushing himself onto the woman when he came to her place to pick her up, but she pushed him off yelled at him and he left. ES's guy who she knows where he works and has a career and she has seen his social media profiles and can be tracked by IP or mobile or cctv easy enough is hardly likely going to risk screwing up his life + 10 yrs in jail for an attempted rape at her apt. Women take way bigger risks with their ONS.

 

I get why she was annoyed at the redundancy of him meeting at her place before the date. If he swinging by to pick her up in his car then different story, but I think she was too quick to write him off without just being miffed and deflecting his plans which she ended up doing and it went fine. The coinciding fall back in his communication is not an ideal sign and it could be now that he's a bit miffed that ES is no easy play, but who knows. Seems great single guys are not easy to find so keep going till the red flags pile up.

[writergal]

ES, I think you did the right thing rejecting his "suggestion" to come over to your apartment before dinner. As Black Ops Girl pointed out, people that you meet through online dating are complete strangers who friends or family or coworkers can't verify. Always better to be safe than sorry.

 

And the fact that his communication especially on social media has dwindled to nothing after you made it clear he wasn't going to come over before dinner is no coincidence.

 

When guys start off all gangbusters with the charm and wit it's because they have an agenda. If their target doesn't fall for it, i.e. puts up very clear and very strong boundaries, then they pull back the charm and wit and move on to the next woman. But if the woman is naive and falls for it, she gets used.

 

Hopefully this guy isn't like that, ES. Hopefully he's the real deal for you. Only time will tell. You're a smart cookie. I hope it works out for you.

Edited May 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[PegNosePete]

that's what guys do when they meet a woman they like. They test her boundaries to see how fast they can get into her pants.

You shouldn't make such generalizations. Don't tar all men with the same brush. Yes some men push boundaries and play stupid games to get into a woman's pants. Others are decent and respectful.

[writergal]

You shouldn't make such generalizations. Don't tar all men with the same brush. Yes some men push boundaries and play stupid games to get into a woman's pants. Others are decent and respectful.

 

Alas, it's true for most men Pete. Show me a man who isn't driven by his nether region around women and I'd point out to you that he's not interested in women. Some men? I'd say that it's most men. Even the decent and respectful men push the sexual boundaries, even if they preface it with a "please?"