Eternal Sunshine Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 So this new guy I am dating for like a week or so has just invited himself to my apartment before tomorrow's date because it's "easier to go to dinner" from there. Yeah right. I can't help but feel a strong stranger vibe (like with everyone on OLD) and just thinking of him in my apartment makes me uncomfortable. I am also not even close to being ready for sex because regardless of how attractive a guy is, I am not capable of being attracted to someone without knowing them. I dunno, I don't feel like seeing him anymore. Even if I tell him that I will meet him at "dinner place", the fact that he even suggested my apartment really bothers me. 1
carhill Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 A successful man tests boundaries and negotiates respectfully. If your boundary is new dates do not enter your apartment, that's a healthy boundary for you. Communicate it and move on to dinner. If he doesn't respect it, move on from him. Men aren't mind readers and each woman is an individual, hence the need for communication. Good luck! 11
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I hear you, what a snake. I would suggest canceling the date and cutting contact. Maybe he'll treat the next lady right! It's hard to find a gentleman today. 2
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Why on earth did you agree to that if you're not comfortable with it? 2
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Well, it's really not a good idea to have a stranger you're going on a first date with to even know where you live. However, I wouldn't assume the guy is thinking of trying something though. I'd simply insist on meeting him at the restaurant. It's always a good idea to have your own car on a first date for two reasons: A) it's safer not to get into a car with a virtual stranger and B) if the date didn't go well or was awkward, you're stuck in a car with him for a while too Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you'll meet at the restaurant. 4
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I hate when men do that *sigh* How often did you see him so far? I would also give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him: 'change of plans, I will meet you at restaurant'. If he's in this just to get laid he won't stick around for following date, he will eliminate himself on his own. 2
Hawaii51 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 is this is what it's like dating you? pitter-patter, awesomeness, then a retraining order over a suggestion?! This guy is dodging a bullet.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Why on earth did you agree to that if you're not comfortable with it? We went out on 2 dates so far. (so not a first date) I didn't agree to it at all. He randomly slipped it in when planning for tomorrow. I haven't responded yet.
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I didn't agree to it at all. He randomly slipped it in when planning for tomorrow. I haven't responded yet. Well then just tell him no, you're not comfortable doing that with someone so soon. 4
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Well then just tell him no, you're not comfortable doing that with someone so soon. Do you think it's better to say that straight up or say something like "I will go there straight from work"? 1
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I would say it straight up. He will appreciate your honesty and will be less likely to invite himself over again until you're comfortable with it. If you just say you'll meet at the restaurant then next date he'll offer to pick you up again and you'll have to find another excuse. 4
carhill Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 'I'll meet you at the restaurant. Looking forward to it!' If he asks 'why?' (Successful negotiators always do!), simply suggest that you discuss that over dinner (in person). Getting to know someone is also getting to know their boundaries and a good guy will understand the inferences in your statements and can clarify any he doesn't. Bumping into a boundary doesn't have to end interaction. Those choices (how one handles boundaries and/or continues/ends interactions) depends on *both* people. There isn't a handbook or flowchart. Keep showing up until someone says no. If you don't want to go to dinner, that's your 'no'. 3
BikerAccnt Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Did he actually invite himself over, or just say he would pick you up at your place? There's a difference. After the second date, I will always suggest picking my date up at her place. It doesn't mean I expect to be invited in, or that I necessarily want to come in. It's just polite and makes more sense than driving two separate vehicles. Of course, if she says no, she'd rather meet me, that would be fine too. I think with my last GF, it was on the 3rd date I picked her up at her house. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Did he actually invite himself over, or just say he would pick you up at your place? There's a difference. After the second date, I will always suggest picking my date up at her place. It doesn't mean I expect to be invited in, or that I necessarily want to come in. It's just polite and makes more sense than driving two separate vehicles. Of course, if she says no, she'd rather meet me, that would be fine too. I think with my last GF, it was on the 3rd date I picked her up at her house. Nope, he is catching the train so not picking me up. Our original plan was to meet at the restaraunt but he texted that he it's easier to meet me at my apartment. There is no reason at all why it's easier. The place is closer to my work than home and he knows that I work late all the time. So going home to my apartment and meeting him there makes no sense. Except that he wants to .... 3
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) We went out on 2 dates so far. (so not a first date) I didn't agree to it at all. He randomly slipped it in when planning for tomorrow. I haven't responded yet. - I really need to read threads more carefully. I had the idea you had never met the man, but you have been on two meets with him already. It's customary for the man to pick the woman up from her home for a date after one or two meets. If you are not comfortable or feeling it with this man, why not find someone else you really like? Edited May 13, 2015 by Gary S
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Nope, he is catching the train so not picking me up. Our original plan was to meet at the restaraunt but he texted that he it's easier to meet me at my apartment. There is no reason at all why it's easier. The place is closer to my work than home and he knows that I work late all the time. So going home to my apartment and meeting him there makes no sense. Except that he wants to .... - Well, that's another "special" situation.... if you are in the big city and taking trains/subways rather than personal cars, sure, he's feeding you a line... it's not easier to meet at your place. In this special case, he has to wait for you to invite him over for dinner. Everybody knows vampires can't come into your home unless invited
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 It doesn't matter if you have strong feelings for him or not....you have standards. Just tell him you want to get to know him first before asking him in for a night cap. 1
Hawaii51 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) He's not asking for a nightcap, I promise you.Just cause he asked to meet up at your place first doesn't mean he's planning an sex as a pre-date warm-up. I was going to type this in my last reply, but refrained. A person can tell a lot about a person by their domicile. More than you tell me in 2 months of dating. Eternal, don't make assumptions, make decisions-once you've gathered all the information necessary. if he comes in and acts creep let him go, otherwise quit exuding negative qualities. Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed degoratory remarks 1
katiegrl Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) He's not asking for a nightcap, I promise you. Just cause he asked to meet up at your place first doesn't mean he's planning an sex as a pre-date warm-up. I was going to type this in my last reply, but refrained. A person can tell a lot about a person by their domicile. More than you tell me in 2 months of dating. Eternal, don't make assumptions, make decisions-once you've gathered all the information necessary. if he comes in and acts creep let him go. Hawaii she has only had two dates with him.....he's a virtual stranger. Regardless of whether or not his intentions are innocent, it's just not safe for a woman to be allowing a virtual stranger into her home. Do you read the news? Many rapes, sexual assaults occurred because of women doing just what you suggested. Of course a woman would love nothing more than to give a guy the benefit if the doubt ...but why chance it? Again, he is virtual stranger.... and the bottom line is .... after only two dates, she doesn't know him OR what his intentions are... ES, simply tell him you would prefer to meet at the restaurant, as meeting there would be mote comfortable for you. If he wants to see your apartment as Hawaii suggests (which is a HUGE stretch IMO)..send him photos....lol Better to be SAFE than sorry. His reaction will speak volumes! Edited May 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 BTW I sent him a text "I will just meet you at there" over an hour ago, no reply. It would be so funny if he never replies again 4
writergal Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 BTW I sent him a text "I will just meet you at there" over an hour ago, no reply. It would be so funny if he never replies again You're awesome ES! I hate it when men pull that stunt after only a couple of dates. Same thing happened to me. He was definitely testing your boundaries and he was DEFINITELY hoping you'd naively say "sure come on over" so he could conveniently go back to your place after dinner and try to initiate sex. Why do men -- even the good looking ones -- act like such fools? I'm glad you texted him that you'll just meet him at the restaurant. Hopefully he gets the message if you know what I mean! 4
Hawaii51 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 BTW I sent him a text "I will just meet you at there" over an hour ago, no reply. It would be so funny if he never replies again And THAT will be your answer. Simple obstacles are usually enough to turn away most douchebags. 1
writergal Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 And THAT will be your answer. Simple obstacles are usually enough to turn away most douchebags. Hopefully he isn't a douchebag. But if he is, then ES saved herself a lot of trouble. The guy who tried that stunt with me, actually had a nightbag in his car and instead of meeting me at the coffee shop just showed up at my apt. on the 4th date. Totally freaked me out. Ended it right there with him. Yuck! 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Nope, he is catching the train so not picking me up. Our original plan was to meet at the restaraunt but he texted that he it's easier to meet me at my apartment. There is no reason at all why it's easier. The place is closer to my work than home and he knows that I work late all the time. So going home to my apartment and meeting him there makes no sense. Except that he wants to .... Smart lady. But yeah he is definitely full of crap. As you say, if the restaurant is closer to your work, why the hell would you want to back track to meet at your place first? The good news though is that at least he showed his hand early on. Better to find out two dates in, then a few months in. It always comes down to actions. I had an out of this world first date on Monday that could have ended in sex if I wanted it to. But I cooled it down and wished her good night. Then when we planned the next date, I could tell she was happy that I didn't suggest "watching a movie" at my place..LOL Just because you can have sex, doesn't mean you have to.
carhill Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Back when I was dating I often picked up women at their homes. Since nearly all the women I dated had children, picking them up generally entailed ringing the bell, them meeting me at the door and we heading off to whatever activities we had planned. Reverse for dropping off. Any hugging or kissing either occurred in the car or on the porch before the door was opened. At that point the date was over. Why? I respected the boundaries of propriety and their domicile and understood why they separated their children from their dating life (the last part not applicable to the OP since she doesn't have children) This continued on for quite some time, in a few cases many weeks, simply because they were not going to have a relatively unknown man around their children. Once more intimacy and trust resulted, then the kids were shuttled to a friend's or family's house and 'adult' things could happen at the door and inside it. Heh! In the case of my exW, who had no children, we dated about a month (picking her up) before I was invited into her duplex and, due to distance and the late hour, ended up sleeping on her sofa. Again, boundaries. Until a man's respect for boundaries is tested, it's an unknown. This guy is now tested and awaiting results. If things work out, they do. If not, not. OP, does this guy know where you live? I assumed he did and you were ambivalent about the logistics. From my perspective, this type of interaction would be a non-issue.... Me: Hey, I'll meet up with you at your place and we can walk/ride/taxi to the restaurant together. Her: I'd rather meet up at the restaurant. Me: OK, what time? Her: xxxx Me: OK, see you there! 2
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