Suit_up Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I think i want to vent more than anything, but i would also love some feedback. I started dating a new girl, who happens to be one of my friends sisters. I told my friend up front we had met, and asked him how he felt about it. She told me "i hear you contacted my brother, he speaks so highly of you." So from then on, we began to date. The first date we had a great night, she came back to mine and we ended up kissing on the sofa for an hour or so. She text me the next day saying it was one of the best first dates shes had. She asked me if its not too presumptuous where we might go next. So one week later, another date. Thai restaurant, ended up back at mine. We were tipsy, and it got hot and heavy. She wanted to have sex, but i held back a little, I said not tonight as its pretty fast moving. We did engage in other sexual acts though, just failure to resist. The next day she says... "never expected it to go that far, but im glad it did." She had mentioned that shed love to go on a trip to venice with me, told me her family knew about me and she had told her mum and dad. Even said that her brothers girlfriend had suggested a double date. She frequently said things like "good that i haven't scared you off" and stuff like that. Well anyway, third date was a monday night. Our schedules had been a bit out of sync, so we were going to the cinema. She asked me if we could do takeaway at mine and a relaxed movie. She arrived, a lot more dressed down. We chatted and had a really comfortable night. She laid on me, stroked my hands, linked fingers, kissed at the end of the night again, and when she got home she told me she had a lovely night. Flash forward a few days, her texts seem fewer and slightly further between. She still flirts but not as much. We had a date for the friday night, she cancelled due to working late (I know for a fact this was true though.) I felt the change, she didn't give a reschedule date, so i went to radio silence. No texts, no calls. She messages me back the next day saying "Hey lovely xx, how was your night?". The dialogue that followed went like this. Me: not bad thanks, do you have any plans for this evening? her: I have a date actually. A guy reconnected that i knew from uni. Is that weird? me: Well, do you find it weird? Her: I dont know. I guess i'll find out me: Are you asking what i think of it? Her: I suppose Me: Well its not my business really. Guess it is an indicator. Your are not mine. Her: I'm not anyones at the moment, just taking each day as it comes x So the day after her date i chose not to acknowledge it, and just said " Hey, how about we get together this week and take your mind off the teacher training?" The message comes back was this. "Hey, i know this must be really confusing that i have suddenly been a bit more frosty this week, as we were pretty full on to start. My date last night went really well, and i can see a future there. There is also a bit of a past there. I didn't want to mess you about. I really enjoyed spending time with you. Hope you are not mad at me x" I took a moment and responded. "Fair enough, well i hope it works out for you. It was great while it lasted. x" and promptly cut the contact. The thing i think is sad is that it really seemed to be going somewhere, so many of the pieces fit, and we did have an incredible time. The guy she went with seems like someone that she had been attracted to for a long time, and i feel like this is really just bad luck due to the history. I suppose the thing i find a bit sad, the guy in question who i kinda know of, he seems like he is burning through women quite rapidly. He added 50 new girls on facebook (only girls) in the week that he added her. I can't see it ending in the relationship she wants, and its quite possible i might end up hearing from her again. My questions are these... Did my putting the breaks on sex on the second date really do damage? Its my friends sister. I feel like my caution was always going to be there. Did i make a mistake not making more of a move on the third date...where she was cuddling and holding my hand? I just kissed her, and held off sexually. Monday night didnt seem like the moment somehow. Wonder if i missed the boat. If she comes back in the future, should i even be receptive? Would that make me second choice? Or is it a case of, both of us are single, only three dates in, so its natural she might want to explore someone she has a history with. I guess mistakes can be made. Anyway, would love some feedback.
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I think i want to vent more than anything, but i would also love some feedback. I started dating a new girl, who happens to be one of my friends sisters. I told my friend up front we had met, and asked him how he felt about it. She told me "i hear you contacted my brother, he speaks so highly of you." So from then on, we began to date. The first date we had a great night, she came back to mine and we ended up kissing on the sofa for an hour or so. She text me the next day saying it was one of the best first dates shes had. She asked me if its not too presumptuous where we might go next. So one week later, another date. Thai restaurant, ended up back at mine. We were tipsy, and it got hot and heavy. She wanted to have sex, but i held back a little, I said not tonight as its pretty fast moving. We did engage in other sexual acts though, just failure to resist. The next day she says... "never expected it to go that far, but im glad it did." She had mentioned that shed love to go on a trip to venice with me, told me her family knew about me and she had told her mum and dad. Even said that her brothers girlfriend had suggested a double date. She frequently said things like "good that i haven't scared you off" and stuff like that. Well anyway, third date was a monday night. Our schedules had been a bit out of sync, so we were going to the cinema. She asked me if we could do takeaway at mine and a relaxed movie. She arrived, a lot more dressed down. We chatted and had a really comfortable night. She laid on me, stroked my hands, linked fingers, kissed at the end of the night again, and when she got home she told me she had a lovely night. Flash forward a few days, her texts seem fewer and slightly further between. She still flirts but not as much. We had a date for the friday night, she cancelled due to working late (I know for a fact this was true though.) I felt the change, she didn't give a reschedule date, so i went to radio silence. No texts, no calls. She messages me back the next day saying "Hey lovely xx, how was your night?". The dialogue that followed went like this. Me: not bad thanks, do you have any plans for this evening? her: I have a date actually. A guy reconnected that i knew from uni. Is that weird? me: Well, do you find it weird? Her: I dont know. I guess i'll find out me: Are you asking what i think of it? Her: I suppose Me: Well its not my business really. Guess it is an indicator. Your are not mine. Her: I'm not anyones at the moment, just taking each day as it comes x So the day after her date i chose not to acknowledge it, and just said " Hey, how about we get together this week and take your mind off the teacher training?" The message comes back was this. "Hey, i know this must be really confusing that i have suddenly been a bit more frosty this week, as we were pretty full on to start. My date last night went really well, and i can see a future there. There is also a bit of a past there. I didn't want to mess you about. I really enjoyed spending time with you. Hope you are not mad at me x" I took a moment and responded. "Fair enough, well i hope it works out for you. It was great while it lasted. x" and promptly cut the contact. The thing i think is sad is that it really seemed to be going somewhere, so many of the pieces fit, and we did have an incredible time. The guy she went with seems like someone that she had been attracted to for a long time, and i feel like this is really just bad luck due to the history. I suppose the thing i find a bit sad, the guy in question who i kinda know of, he seems like he is burning through women quite rapidly. He added 50 new girls on facebook (only girls) in the week that he added her. I can't see it ending in the relationship she wants, and its quite possible i might end up hearing from her again. My questions are these... Did my putting the breaks on sex on the second date really do damage? Its my friends sister. I feel like my caution was always going to be there. Did i make a mistake not making more of a move on the third date...where she was cuddling and holding my hand? I just kissed her, and held off sexually. Monday night didnt seem like the moment somehow. Wonder if i missed the boat. If she comes back in the future, should i even be receptive? Would that make me second choice? Or is it a case of, both of us are single, only three dates in, so its natural she might want to explore someone she has a history with. I guess mistakes can be made. Anyway, would love some feedback. I'm kinda wondering if she went out with you simply to make the other one jealous and bring him closer to her. She told you about that date, I bet she told him about your dates . . . 3
Gary S Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong, don't worry about. You don't have a relationship for two months. Until then, they can flake at any moment.
Author Suit_up Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I'm kinda wondering if she went out with you simply to make the other one jealous and bring him closer to her. She told you about that date, I bet she told him about your dates . . . See i thought about that. Although the things that wouldn't make sense. She wanted to go to venice with me, but i had to decline as i had a wedding to go to. She also told all of her family it was going well with me around the dinner table. Her brother is a very good mate of mine, and she factored in his opinion. Its a weird one.
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 See i thought about that. Although the things that wouldn't make sense. She wanted to go to venice with me, but i had to decline as i had a wedding to go to. She also told all of her family it was going well with me around the dinner table. Her brother is a very good mate of mine, and she factored in his opinion. Its a weird one. She was blowing smoke up you know what. Why would a woman go to Venice with a man she just started hanging out with even if he were a friend of the family? That's odd too. She also told all of her family it was going well with me around the dinner table. -- What else would she say, "hey, I'm going to ditch this one because I like the guy at school better?" If she contacts you again, it will be because the other one didn't pan out again and she will do it for ego recovery.
cessna Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'd be thankful that she was at least open and honest about it all. That's more than you can say about most women. I'm used to the silent treatment and never ever hearing back from a women so I'd be grateful if a women was honest enough with me to let me know where I stand. I'd move on if I were you. If she comes back to you in the future? It's up to you really what you do. I don't think I'd want to be "the second option" so to speak but if you really like a girl that's easier said than done.
Author Suit_up Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Yeah i guess thats what i have been thinking. I'd be surprised if she told her family things were going well if they weren't, and i feel like as soon as this curveball of the other guy came up, she told me straight. It makes me feel like she wasn't playing games. My instincts served me pretty well so far. I felt like she was in it, then she wasn't, and the draw of a guy she had liked a long time maybe trumped the guy she'd had just three great dates with. (there was a lot of texting, plus her wanting to have sex, she had even suggested forward plans with mututal friends if it was not too presumptuous.) I feel like i will hear from her, but yes, you are quite right. When the time comes it will be dependent on if i see it as being second choice, or if she made a mistake. Judging by her telling me straight, and the apparent lack of game playing, it could be either.
cessna Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Yeah I wouldn't totally write her off. She might come back to you and tell you that she made a mistake with this other guy and she realised she actually really liked you all along. She clearly does like you she just has another option she wants to explore right now I guess.
Author Suit_up Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) I guess there are a couple of factors also. I essentially turned down sex with her, admittedly i did it in a very nice way, as we were tipsy and it was early, and then the following date i kept it strictly to a kiss. My friend said to me "she probably isn't used to that happening from a guy." She is absolutely stunning, was kind of known for it in school. I feel like her being so up front with me means i can pretty much take her at face value. We had never spoken prior to our recent dates, and she had come out of an 8 year relationship. Edited May 13, 2015 by Suit_up
FortunateSon Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 How long ago did she get out of the 8 year relationship? She might not be ready for a healthy relationship if it was fairly recently...
Author Suit_up Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 It was a few months ago, but they are still having to sell the house. I met her when she was doing the dating scene really. She told me she felt a bit more hopeful with me since our mutual friends had all said good things about me. I haven't actually seen her since she changed, it was all remote. She frequently said "not being presumptuous..." then suggesting several possible dates. I don't feel like she wasn't in it at all. It seemed like just as we were getting to a point where it looked like more, unfinished business from her past presented itself. It's kinda sad, as the guy really looks like hes stockpiling girls, with nearly 70 female recent friends added on facebook all with that "just plucked off tinder" look about them. I guess its not my problem though. My only thought may be that the last date, me not trying to have sex with her. It was cosey and relaxed more than sexual, which the last two were. A trio of: Date 1. Hour of passionate kissing at my place after bar date. Date 2. Thai restaurant, wine at mine, not full sex but she did end naked and telling me the next day shes glad it happened. Date 3, Movie and takeaway night, she has work in the morning so nothing too crazy...she lays on my chest, linking fingers, stroking my hands. Felt a bit like we were getting close...kissed after movie. Could i POSSIBLY have moved to slow? Did the third date kill it by being comfortable with less heat? I saw it more like we can do both.
sagetalk Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'm kinda wondering if she went out with you simply to make the other one jealous and bring him closer to her. She told you about that date, I bet she told him about your dates . . . That would be my thoughts as well.
El Pallasso Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 She wanted to have sex, but i held back a little, I said not tonight as its pretty fast moving. We did engage in other sexual acts though, just failure to resist. Our schedules had been a bit out of sync, so we were going to the cinema. She asked me if we could do takeaway at mine and a relaxed movie. She arrived, a lot more dressed down. We chatted and had a really comfortable night. She laid on me, stroked my hands, linked fingers, kissed at the end of the night again, and when she got home she told me she had a lovely night. She left because she got BORED of you. This girl clearly communicated that she wanted to have sex multiple times and you missed them. Women enjoy dates but when you're not pushing forward with action, they WILL get bored of just constantly going out all the time. A woman you're still in the early phase with doesn't ask if you guys can just stay inside together, alone and cuddle if she doesn't want you to f*ck her. Lesson learned. Don't be too soft next time. You have to be quick and precise and take the opportunities as they come up. You will just have to deal with the fact that the other guy gave her what you were too soft too give her: A good hard pounding.
Author Suit_up Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 She left because she got BORED of you. This girl clearly communicated that she wanted to have sex multiple times and you missed them. Women enjoy dates but when you're not pushing forward with action, they WILL get bored of just constantly going out all the time. A woman you're still in the early phase with doesn't ask if you guys can just stay inside together, alone and cuddle if she doesn't want you to f*ck her. Lesson learned. Don't be too soft next time. You have to be quick and precise and take the opportunities as they come up. You will just have to deal with the fact that the other guy gave her what you were too soft too give her: A good hard pounding. I am actually concerned you may be right. Surely though she would understand my handling with care? I mean it's my friend of 18 years little sister. After all we had plenty of spark on the first 2 dates. Her telling me "im glad it happened". She did once send me a message at 3am in between saying "come to mine now". I knew she was drunk and said "i dont think you mean that." She responded with "and what if i did?". We both fell asleep. The next day she joked and said sorry, i will get drunken texts sometimes. Could that one date not ending in sex REALLY had such a negative affect? I'd like to hear a few more opinions.
El Pallasso Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I am actually concerned you may be right. Surely though she would understand my handling with care? I mean it's my friend of 18 years little sister. After all we had plenty of spark on the first 2 dates. Her telling me "im glad it happened". She did once send me a message at 3am in between saying "come to mine now". I knew she was drunk and said "i dont think you mean that." She responded with "and what if i did?". We both fell asleep. The next day she joked and said sorry, i will get drunken texts sometimes. Could that one date not ending in sex REALLY had such a negative affect? I'd like to hear a few more opinions. That's the thing. She didn't want you to treat her like your " best friend's little sister". She wanted you to treat her like a woman. She wanted you to see her as a sexual being and take part in her sexuality. If you think long and hard, you will realize that his girl made it easy for you guys to hook up but you were trying to white knight her and that just ended up pushing her away. You just have to move on and learn your lesson. Don't try to white knight women or play "good guy". If you want sex with a woman, you go after it. Don't try to play "nice, soft guy" especially with younger women.
Author Suit_up Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I would say white knight is a bit strong. She essentially was naked on my sofa and i made her orgasm just days before. So not having sex on one occasion really breaks the whole thing?
Author Suit_up Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 So she came back, after 3 weeks of me just vanishing, i suddenly get a text from her saying "hey x". We end up chatting, and she tells me she is missing me. She went to NY with the other guy a week and a half ago for a holiday. She told me he is "not as fun to talk to as you, not as interesting". She then tells me she would like to see me and asks how i feel about that. I said "it depends, i really am not clear on your situation here." She apologises and says her emotions have gone all over, seemed like pride was stopping her fully communicating. I asked if she was going to see him again. She said , probably yes...but id really like to see you, is that weird?". I said "a bit". We ended up engaged in a text chat that was really fun actually, but at no point did i ever promise her a date. We played a game where we get one question each, and i think it kind of reconnected her to me. After that, the following day i have not contacted her at all. I am making sure when she does chat to me that its meaningful and shes having fun and fully engaged, but keeping those engagements few and far between. Heres the thing, i like her...and id be curious to see how it goes. Not sure of my next step though. I don't think im going to ask her out, as i think i need more from her. If she is in doubts about her choices, i need a clear sign. I do think though that she would have to swallow a lot of pride to ask me out now. She told me she wants to see me, and i think shes hoping i'll set it up. Standoff. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? Is she being awful? I feel like at least she is up front.
kendahke Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) I honestly think the fact that you and her brother have been friends for 18 years plays into it. I think it depends upon how badly you need a relationship with her. Are you that hard up that you'll try again and risk being punted when someone else comes around? She seems a bit flaky on that tip and the fact that you and her brother are close friends may mean that she doesn't take you as seriously as she would someone else as a lover. Edited June 2, 2015 by kendahke
Author Suit_up Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 I honestly think the fact that you and her brother have been friends for 18 years plays into it. I think it depends upon how badly you need a relationship with her. Are you that hard up that you'll try again and risk being punted when someone else comes around? She seems a bit flaky on that tip and the fact that you and her brother are close friends may mean that she doesn't take you as seriously as she would someone else as a lover. I do really like her, and she has said to me straight up she has felt a lot of uncertainty. I guess coming out of her previous 8 year relationship may have done a little damage. I must say though, when we get chatting its so natural, connect easily. I actually think its why she came back. I was total radio silence for three weeks prior to getting texts saying she misses me. I definitely wouldn't say i am hard up for options, i just like this one. The problem is i attract girls fairly easily, but when i genuinely like one, i tend to question everything so deeply, its exhausting. I should add, i told her that "i am not someone who will be the back up plan." She responded by telling me "its not like that at all i promise. Who would want that. Thats not it"
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I do really like her, and she has said to me straight up she has felt a lot of uncertainty. I guess coming out of her previous 8 year relationship may have done a little damage. I must say though, when we get chatting its so natural, connect easily. I actually think its why she came back. I was total radio silence for three weeks prior to getting texts saying she misses me. I definitely wouldn't say i am hard up for options, i just like this one. The problem is i attract girls fairly easily, but when i genuinely like one, i tend to question everything so deeply, its exhausting. I should add, i told her that "i am not someone who will be the back up plan." She responded by telling me "its not like that at all i promise. Who would want that. Thats not it" Then why is she still going to see him? I'd ask her that.
Author Suit_up Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Update. So we have been dating each other for about a month now. The other guy seems to not be around anymore. She has told me that she likes me more now and feels like it's gotten a bit stronger. Yesterday she misunderstood me when I asked if she was free sat/Sunday 11th and 12th. I needed her for one of those dates and had a good plan. She responded by saying she freaked out a little as she thought she was being asked to go on holiday (she went on holiday with the previous guy very quickly.) Anyhow, she was mistaken, but I responded by saying "wow, freaked out. Can't hear that enough." After this I didn't speak much all day. She texts me later saying "I'm really worried I've upset you with what I said. I was thinking about why I freaked out and I think you might find the reasoning positive. Maybe." I ask "care to share?" Her response. "When I went with the other guy it kinda was a third date and just felt like a bit of spontaneous fun, didn't see anything going anywhere. But you saying it feels a bit different. Think it would mean something different. I dunno." Me: "To me, you or both?" Her: "to me" Me: "You feel like you could see us going somewhere? Or you are worried I expect it very soon?" Her: "yes to both I think." Me: "to be clear, you are telling me you freaked out because you DO think you like me a lot, and could imagine a relationship with me, but a holiday made you feel like that relationship gets rubber stamped to soon?" Her: "yeah but I didn't want to get in a relationship until I've sorted myself out." Some background, she kisses me frequently, with passion. We have sex, well...I can't at the moment due to a recent op, but we likely will again, she calls me late at night asking me to rescue her from nights out with her friends. Messages me every single day without fail, always messages first, and has told me she got very worried when I seemed impatient and looked like I wanted to walk away, as she "doesn't want me to change how I am with her". She texts me a HUGE amount. She said she feels like I can read her and she loves it. Says she likes how socially dominant I am, and is turned on when she's around me when I'm working, and have people pandering to me. She said she likes it when I order for her at dinner, exert control, that kind of stuff. It's always been very positive in text. Whilst she says she's not ready for a relationship, she's been out once with my friends, and last night suggested we go out with another couple I'm close to. My questions are these... Is it possible she's just stringing me along? Like a placeholder guy? If she is, she sure seems to think about me a lot and get distressed when I pull back. Could it be genuinely true that she just needs a bit more time before calling it official? I guess the thing I'm concerned about is "not ready for a relationship" being synonymous with "not with you." She has just sold her house from her previous relationship, they were together for 8 years and she's had to rebuild her life. It was 8 months ago, the break up, and she told me it's taken her this long to stabilise. Feedback very much appreciated.
fred123 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 she was happy to go on holiday with new guy so quickly and didnt tell him or question him that it was weird and freaky?! but when you asked her she freaked out? and as typical women do they make up BS to explain it to you. you are a doormat OP. leave her. she doesn't like you. she likes the other guy more. listen to her actions not her words!!!!! she went on holiday with this guy and asked no questions but when she thought you were asking her she freaked out! what does that tell you?!!!
LostOnes05 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Yea, I'd have to say I wouldn't bother with her anymore. When she broke things off with you, she had her list of things that they had, that you guys didn't. They had a past and she saw a future there. Suddenly, poof no more future there because she didn't find him interesting enough. Then she is back texting you like crazy?! Nope. With her actions and words she basically said, "You're cool and all but I want to diversify my portfolio and keep my options open...you not being one right now. I'll let you know when I get ready to come back...don't wait up". Then she says, "Oh hey remember me?! You're not upset that I basically ditched the hell out of you, right? Dinner at 7?" And of course, you went along with it. I'd be extremely cautious with her. She seems like the type to love you one minute and then have second thoughts because you left the toilet seat up!
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