Jonp219 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 The summer weather is a major trigger for me considering we spent most of our time together during this time of year. In addition, final exams are coming up and the stress has been overbearing. Today alone I couldn't stop thinking about her, I even contemplated looking at her Twitter (which I haven't done in over a month) but I didn't do it. I cried about 3-4 times today and nearly had a nervous break down alone in my apartment. I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and guilt. Everything that I've been doing to make myself feel better I stopped doing because I feel like I deserve to feel like this right now. The thought of the future (MY future) makes me cringe and loath myself even more. I'm entering a MBA program in February and honestly I don't give a ****. My career, my life, my future, my existence means absolutely nothing to me without that one special girl by my side. I live in a city that ranks extremely low in finding love and that fact just discourages me even more. I've never had a fling and I never wish to ever have one, but that's all you'll ever find here in New York City (And NO, moving is not an option). Being single is absolutely heart wrenching, I don't know how some of you do this **** for years, I feel like killing myself. I feel like life isn't worth living without that person by your side, and no i'm not talking about friends and family. The love you feel for them is completely different, it's not the same love that emulates from a significant other. It's been over 3 months and I really just want to die, I seriously don't want to live anymore. Pushing forward feels like pushing back. I don't want to go through this summer, not without her. I ****ed up man, I ****ed up really bad and I can't say that enough. I don't want to go to Florida anymore nor do I want to attend my graduation. You ever do something new and exciting and just think, "Damn, I wish me and my ex tried this out...". And that thought alone just ruins your day? Doing new thing makes me more guilty. Even being on this site makes me depressed as hell, a lot of you are awesome, but I read too many things in here that make me wish I never born. Anyway, I just want to get those thoughts out. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. I know a lot of you were rooting me on and astonished by my recovery as of late. However, I have a LONG way to go, and I don't think i'm going to make it 'all the way'. I don't want to wait that long nor do I want to experience this pain for years, nobody has time for that bull****. I rather end it now then look forward to the day I finally 'recover'. Thank you for reading...
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You are ahead of the game in that you have at least identified your triggers. To me summer was always a time of hope. The sun, the surf, the promise of a summer romance. I was serious about you doing a summer share house. Is that a possibility? Get out of the city. Go down the Jersey shore (you don't strike me as a Hamptons type). Even if you can't do a share, can you plan some fun summer things: Great Adventure, Mountain Creek water park, Rye Playland, Jones beach etc.? You need to give yourself something to look forward to.
Author Jonp219 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 You are ahead of the game in that you have at least identified your triggers. To me summer was always a time of hope. The sun, the surf, the promise of a summer romance. I was serious about you doing a summer share house. Is that a possibility? Get out of the city. Go down the Jersey shore (you don't strike me as a Hamptons type). Even if you can't do a share, can you plan some fun summer things: Great Adventure, Mountain Creek water park, Rye Playland, Jones beach etc.? You need to give yourself something to look forward to. Me and my friends have a trip to Florida planned for August, but I dont want to go anymore. I feel absolutely dead on the inside, there's not much I can do to make myself feel better anymore. It truly feels like I've reached the end of my road. I'm scared, terrified, hurt, disgusted, and angry at myself. I'm crying 3-5 times a day now it and it ****ing sucks, especially when i have so many things to get done. It ****ing sucks that I have to feel this pain when she's probably not giving me a second thought. I ruined that relationship , that will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind.
DannyCA Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Alright man you need to shake all the negative seriously. I told you before that you have a long time to go and it's a hard road, but one that is necessary, one that every damn person that has ever existed has gone through. And all this talk about not being able to go on anymore? Seriously think about how the f*** your friends and family will feel if you allow yourself to be that selfish. Life is an incredible privilege that we all are extremely lucky to have been given. Sh** happens. Sometimes it sucks more than not, but sh** happens to everyone. Don't worry about the negative on this site, that crap doesn't matter. You are naive if you think that 3 months later you are going to be healed completely. This takes time man. I know you said moving is not an option, but you need to make it an option. You don't sound like you can stay in NY. At this point, your health depends on it. When I couldn't stay in the city that my ex and I met in I decided to move. It took some time to save up money and I even sold my car for extra cash. Then I up and moved away 100 miles. When I moved away from my city was when I made the most progress in the quickest amount of time. Stop making excuses and make moving an option. We're still rooting for you man so shake the negative and keep on fighting the good fight.
Author Jonp219 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Alright man you need to shake all the negative seriously. I told you before that you have a long time to go and it's a hard road, but one that is necessary, one that every damn person that has ever existed has gone through. And all this talk about not being able to go on anymore? Seriously think about how the f*** your friends and family will feel if you allow yourself to be that selfish. Life is an incredible privilege that we all are extremely lucky to have been given. Sh** happens. Sometimes it sucks more than not, but sh** happens to everyone. Don't worry about the negative on this site, that crap doesn't matter. You are naive if you think that 3 months later you are going to be healed completely. This takes time man. I know you said moving is not an option, but you need to make it an option. You don't sound like you can stay in NY. At this point, your health depends on it. When I couldn't stay in the city that my ex and I met in I decided to move. It took some time to save up money and I even sold my car for extra cash. Then I up and moved away 100 miles. When I moved away from my city was when I made the most progress in the quickest amount of time. Stop making excuses and make moving an option. We're still rooting for you man so shake the negative and keep on fighting the good fight. I'm not leaving my mother is here, she isn't getting any younger. Moving is the furthest thing from my mind at this moment, it definitely not happening now (probably not this decade). I'm Dominican/Cuban in the Latino culture we don't believe in leaving our parents behind, it's just the way we're raised. I can't make it seem like i'm leaving my family behind, if I ever decide to off myself I have to make it look like an accident. My uncle killed himself after his wife left him and I have a cousin who did the same, we're failures at love and we end up regretting it at the end. I don't see life as a privilege because I didn't ask to be here, so I will not be thanking the universe for putting me somewhere where I didn't want to be. At the end of the day it's a curse, nobody ever get's over a lost love, and if they do, it's because they find someone 20x better and that **** is rare. I didn't expect to be fully healed at 3 months, but one thing I can say is that the world looks a lot darker these days. There is a lot of beauty in this world, but you know what? That beauty would still be here if me and you weren't alive, so i'm not going to marvel at the sight of something that doesn't need me here. I've already cried 6 times today, and the closer it gets to the end of the semester the more I just want to plan out my death. My ex told me on the night of the break up that if I ever attempted to kill myself then i'm weak. I guess that's exactly what I am, i'm weak. I will never be able to replace her, i'm totally convinced now. I'm sorry everyone.
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