I ran into her yesterday

[surfride]

I got out of my first relationship 2 months ago. She ended things by writing a letter to me that said she felt something was missing, but she'd like to continue to be friends, and that she'd talk to me soon. I treated her well in the relationship so I know the reasons behind the breakup were not anger driven. When she sent the letter I told her I received it an appreciated her for reaching out, and from there I started to work on moving on, going no contact because I've been "friends" with girls I've had feelings for before and I remember how that turned out.. I didn't want to go through that again. And I knew I felt strongly for her. She never talked to me even though her letter said she would "talk to me soon". In my moving on process I haven't quite reached the end. I've accepted that her and I are no longer together, I've accepted her feelings, but I've told myself that maybe I won't be able to fully get over her but I can learn to live without her and find happiness with someone else. Is this a more realistic way of how people move on? Honestly, if she wanted me back I probably would take her back because we had a lot of fun in our relationship and I don't feel resentment or anything towards her.

 

 

 

Yesterday, 2 months after the breakup, I received personal news of a tragedy while I was at the gym and felt like reaching out to people. She was on my mind and I felt a need to call her after my workout despite being really good at doing "no contact". But as I walked out the gym I ran into her. I try not to believe in "fate" and what not but this was quite the coincidental encounter. And considering we go to the same university it was impressive how I hadn't really seen her before this. So I felt like this was a moment given to me to speak to her.

 

I told her yesterday that I accept how she feels. But I felt disrespected with how she wrote a letter without telling me anything to my face. I told her that we couldn't be friends because I liked her. I told her about the tragedy and how she was on my mind when I heard the news. I ended by telling her that I was very grateful for the experience we shared. She was really quiet the whole conversation.

 

It was hard to do, but I think it needed to be done. She never got to see how I felt, (yeah yall will say she already knew based on my actions in the relationship). I let her know that I still like her (just in case should she change her mind) but I won't settle for friendship.

 

I guess from here I just walk away and never look back, much of the same of what I was doing before. Idk if I'll ever be able to forget about what I felt for her, she was my first relationship, but I'm totally ok with letting her go, because I'm confident I will find another girl again. And if I couldn't be that guy for her, I hope she finds someone who has nothing "missing." But it does hurt to think and wish about what could have been. We did have a lot of fun, and the big red flag I remember looking back was her telling me that even with her close friends she could find something wrong with them, but she couldn't with me. I feel like she was looking for something wrong with me to end what we had. Another thing I'm wondering is if it was harsh for me to say what I said. I guess I feel some guilt because I basically severed the last "tie" we really had. I need to acknowledge it's what's best for me to move on though. She was just so quiet, I have no idea and will probably never have any idea how she felt about it.

[SycamoreCircle]

Your monologue is very sappy, OP. Half I-guess-I-need-to-be-done, half boy-I-sure-do-miss-her.

 

Here's the bad news: feeling sorry for yourself is not going to win you any awards. Fate? She goes to your school. You were at the school gym, which EVERY student has access to.

 

That confession to her means zilch. You just made yourself look like even more of a sap. The reason she dropped you is because she met someone else. Harsh? Well, these are the sort of tactics of people who are immature and don't want to face the mess they help create.

 

Here's what she was thinking after you drained your heart fluid so that it ran all over the nearest elliptical: OMG, awkward! I hope that never happens again. I wish he'd shrivel up and die. I wonder what time Chad will text me tonight. We were supposed to be on for this weekend.

 

Now, get a grip. Brush yourself off. Get some of your self-respect back. And begin to put this behind you.

[surfride]

Ahaha your response was funny! Yeah, that's the outside perspective I need; because in my head I'm getting way too emotional about it. I think it was the combination of what was goin on with my family and then immediately seeing her for the first time after hearing the news that got to me. Thanks for bringing me back to reality, time to brush the dirt off of my shoulder and keep moving on.

[SycamoreCircle]

Good for you.

 

To be successful with women your age, you've got to just roll with the punches. They'll be into you one minute, then relegate you to the level of burnt toast the next. Just go with it. Have fun. Take none of it personal. Be caring, responsible, fun, earnest, silly, aloof, and trust your gut.

[EgoJoe]

You handled yourself pretty well. Keep moving forward.

[RoseHeart]

What you said seems good and not harsh. It's realistic and smart to say you can't be friends because it's the truth. It's physically very difficult to fully heal when you are still friends with your ex. Most people realize this at some point but usually when it has been months of waiting in agony as a "friend" to get promoted back to bf/gf phase which hardly ever happens either. The chances of it going back to a relationship is low because distance and separation is often needed to make your ex miss you again and realize what you meant to them. Hanging around won't create that feeling. I honestly think she just stayed quiet because she knew that whatever she had to say will probably not make you happy or change the situation. If she wanted you back it would have been a perfect opportunity for her to have said it but yet she didn't which tells me she's not planning on making it work again for now at least. Now you need to focus on moving on. You got your closure to a certain extent so it's time to use that as a motivation to let go of her once and for all.

[imbax]

Hey buddy I really respect your maturity and take on the break up. I think every break up should be treated the way that you have handled it. I am trying hard to do what you are saying for my own break up by just accepting that it was for the best for me too.

 

Sometimes it does get hard don't get me wrong.

 

I think we all believe that there is still that little spark of hope left in them. But unfortunately, the more time that goes by, the less I believe that too. True love waits, but how long is the wait? Can it go for months? Or even years? I guess we will never find out.

[aloneinaz]

The good news is you're young. You're going to go thru many relationships like this in all likelyhood. In this case, keep moving forward. Start dating and find your next GF. At your age, as soon as you're involved w/your next love, you'll forget all about your current ex.

[imbax]

The good news is you're young. You're going to go thru many relationships like this in all likelyhood. In this case, keep moving forward. Start dating and find your next GF. At your age, as soon as you're involved w/your next love, you'll forget all about your current ex.

 

I hope what you say is true. But at the moment I don't trust any girls. They can be so nice and lovely to you and then the next minute they are breaking up with you. I feel like I have a personal grudge against everything that has happened in my previous relationship. I hope I can get over this because I used to trust everything she said to me.

[SycamoreCircle]

I hope what you say is true. But at the moment I don't trust any girls. They can be so nice and lovely to you and then the next minute they are breaking up with you.

You're exactly right. Their attention levels are comparable to channel surfing. My advice to a guy your age---don't expect serious, committed relationships. Expect hookups, flings, short-term things. Consider it like a food fair---you get to try a lot of different stuff in small portions for not much money. When you get older, then you can go to a nice restaurant and receive a quality dining experience.

[Mauve]

I think what you need to take away from this is, you told her how you felt and she was silent about it all. If she wanted you back she would of said something or at least of shown a small sign. I think when you bumped into her (which wasn't fate, you guys are at the same university) you should of just said a polite hello - if she had acknowledged you. Then walked away.

 

But that's in an ideal world, being realistic what you done is what most of us would have done. You got some bad news, was feeling weak and sad, then you bumped into someone who once made you feel amazing, and possibly still can make you feel amazing. It's normal how you reacted, but ideally it shouldn't of been what you done.

 

But what's done is done, you can't change that. Look on the bright side - you got to tell her how you felt, if she changes her mind and wants you back, she'll tell you. But that might never happen - so focus on finding happiness elsewhere.

 

You done so well the past 2 months, this was just a set back.

 

Good luck !

[dangerbang]

You're exactly right. Their attention levels are comparable to channel surfing. My advice to a guy your age---don't expect serious, committed relationships. Expect hookups, flings, short-term things. Consider it like a food fair---you get to try a lot of different stuff in small portions for not much money. When you get older, then you can go to a nice restaurant and receive a quality dining experience.

 

hehe, you're my type of man Syc! Next time I'm in Brooklyn I'll buy you a beer

[surfride]

Looking at all of these other responses, I think the key thing to take from here is that she was quiet because she really doesn't feel anything and probably at least had the courtesy to let me say whatever I needed to say.

 

Upon reflection after a couple of days, I don't really have regrets about talking to her in the situation. I'm actually happy I got to. Even if it made me look like a "sap." I restricted myself from begging or anything like that when it first ended (thank god), and 2 months of cool off time allowed me to be more simple and direct with what I had to say.

Although she doesn't feel anything for me, I'm happy I got to acknowledge to her that I enjoyed my time spent with her. I took this as a very positive closure for both of us instead of harboring negativity like "oh she's just a cheating ho" or her thinking I hate her guts. I felt like that conversation ended us on good terms. 1) I could now see she doesn't have those feelings for me instead of holding on to the hope that maybe she feels something while I'm away from her, and 2) She can now see that being "friends" would just hurt me.

[surfride]

UPDATE

A couple of weeks ago she ran into me again. This time I didn't have the view of "fate" and nonsense like that. I was biking with my friend and we were stopped roadside when she saw us.

 

I saw her in the distance biking towards us and in my head my instant reaction was "need to get out of here ASAP." But it was too late. I felt so many negative emotions in her presence--anxiety, nervousness, humiliation. I just politely said hi and then shut down, avoiding eye contact. My friend did all the talking and fortunately he cut her off after a couple of minutes. She wanted us to bike with her, but I'm thankful that my friend politely declined that offer.

 

Last time I saw her I made it clear that I couldn't be friends with her because it was too painful for me considering the feelings I had for her. So it bothered me that she tried to "test" that statement, but I can understand that it's hard on her too that I said I can't be friends. Ideally in that situation I'd like it if she would have just said hi and then continued biking.

 

I'm at a lot different place compared to where I was when she first ended things. At the beginning I really wanted her back, because the breakup was so sudden and random, and I couldn't think of what I did wrong--I thought I was a caring, understanding boyfriend. It turns out sycamorecircle was right, she left me so suddenly to be with another guy. I don't really know what happened between her and that guy because I've cut her out of my life, but now, I don't want her back: the ideal situation to me would be if we both just didn't contact each other at all.

 

So why am I posting here then? Well, we're both on a cycling team together at the university. It's a big part of my experience at college, and I want to stay on the team. As much as I'd prefer for us to not have any form of contact, we have to at least see each other every day at practice in order to both be on the team next year. How can I get through the humiliation and feeling of rejection for every time I end up seeing her? My goal is to be indifferent, mature, and to just get over it. It's not like I have to approach and talk to her at practice, and I don't really feel the desire to, but I do need to prepare myself to be civil and indifferent should she approach me again like a couple of weeks ago. Practice doesn't start up again until after summer, so I have a few months to sort things out.

[ravfour4]

Hey surfride, despite the somewhat rude comments you got before, I think the way you handled the meet-up at the gym was mature. If she's not a gigantic bitch, I'm sure she thought "well, that was sort of weird running into him, but he handled it maturely, I feel kind of bad that I made him sad, but I'm happy in my new situation. sucks he had a bad thing happen in his life, I probably shouldn't break-up with someone via letter next time".

 

Regarding your recent question - just DON'T feel humiliated. There's nothing to feel humiliated about, a girl that wasn't that great dumped you in an immature manner and moved on to some guy who she is probably no longer with, you've handled the situation maturely and can continue to do so. Keep conversation minimal and informal, it's probably weird for her too. Stop internalizing her stupid behavior, it wasn't because of you, it's because of her. She sucks, you don't. Keep thinking that and enjoy your bike team.

[surfride]

It's ok I understood posting on here that people who comment on here are likely going through breakups as well--some a lot more painful then what I'm going through.

 

I guess where I have trouble with this humiliation is knowing that I gave this relationship 110% effort. Despite really giving my all and being vulnerable to someone like that, it wasn't enough for her. Furthermore, I wasn't even valued enough to be broken up with face to face, and without a good reason. Saying "something's missing" combined with my actions of putting full effort in the relationship made me feel like my best isn't good enough. I know I shouldn't put so much value in her, but when I saw her a couple of weeks ago it placed me in a mindset that me at my best isn't worthy. And that's why I'd prefer not to see her, she's a pretty negative reminder. Outside of her though I'm surrounded by people who respect me and make me feel accepted. I agree, I have to just tell myself to NOT think this way, easier said than done though.

Edited June 23, 2015 by surfride