How hard is it to REALLY find a new man that's great for an older woman?

May 12, 2015

In a lot of the threads here, the advice (especially to the women), is dump the guy and get one that is honest, respects you and can love and take care of you.

How difficult is it to find such a person, especially in you're in the older crowd (like over 40 or so)?

In my area it's very hard for a woman to find a quality guy thats available and will treat a woman right. The ratio is probably 10 to 1, men to women. I attend a club where we have several single women looking for men... some have been shopping for 10 years without any luck at all. I've know several get guys for a short time.. some married guys, some nut cases, some that just were looking for money or sex, but the good guys are rarely there. I also know of 3 or 4 that have met their man, going with them successfully and/or happily married them, but the majority are without.

One lady that I know well (and very attractive) just broke off and engagement when I met her, dated a few bums, went with a guy for a few years that ended up in jail, had a guy that totally mistreated her, had one that was on and off for a few years, had a short term relationship with one that took her money, and a few more. I even fixed her up a few times, and it fell apart.

I know another that met a guy and feeds him, pays his expenses and provides his sex... been doing that for 4 years and he has never told her that he loves her or there's anything permanent.

Now, not really hard to just get laid, but not everyone's goal.

So, it's not easy to find someone, if your older.

Have you found otherwise?

May 12, 2015

As they say, all the good ones are taken.

May 12, 2015

That's just depressing.

May 12, 2015

How difficult is it to find such a person, especially in you're in the older crowd (like over 40 or so)?

Ouch... that was painful

May 12, 2015

Have you found otherwise?

i have.

just to be clear - finding someone who will make you happy & complete on every level IS hard -- no matter how old you are. but finding someone decent, honest and respectful? not hard at all, actually. i'm sad when folks agree to a lot of bullsh*t just so they wouldn't be alone -- i find it ridiculous.

at the end of the day - you don't HAVE to be with someone. many folks don't really suffer from the "cannot die alone and must find love" syndrome... it's life.

As they say, all the good ones are taken.

nah. i'm amazing and i'm not taken, soooooo... *bats eyelashes*

May 13, 2015

I think she means the good guys. They're all gone, but of course 100% of women are good.

I have a secret tip to find those guys: look in unusual places, and take a harder look at people you might at first pass over. Especially guys who look kind of emotionally void.* They're often not the nothing-to-give types they may appear to be, but actually people who were hammered down in one way or another but could still be rehabilitated.

* to be clear, I don't at all mean emo types or self-consciously 'suffering' guys, I mean those guys who you can genuinely kind of see right through emotionally bc there's not much there on the surface.

May 13, 2015

its not hard to find what you are looking for if you look at this perspective....what you want to find...will be in the last place you look.....who you want to find then will always be...at that last place......and seeing how everybody on this board is breathing and alive those still looking havent come to the last place yet....god knows where that place i however, havent found my last place yet....when i get there ill know it.....

........as far as good guys go ....if that is what you want to find...you will find it if you dont give up..and yeah sometimes it feels better to just give up for a while and continue the search in a more positive frame of mind..........deb

May 13, 2015

Buy a lottery ticket. Your odds are better.

May 13, 2015

It's true that it gets harder for women to find good guys when they get older

because most of the truly good guys are already married. However I have had my fill of painful drama filled relationships and I would rather be single than sign up for another hurtful dysfunctional relationship. Any man isn't better than no man in my opinion.

May 13, 2015

It seems like lots of people of both sexes sometimes almost retire from or get a lot less ambitious about dating as they get older. =/ So you might have to broaden your horizons as jen said. Not just with the type of guy but with age too. If a cute thirty something comes on to you don't just excuse him anymore since you wouldn't date a younger man, that kind of stuff. Give him a shot and see where it goes.

May 13, 2015

I did a LOT of online dating in my 40s and - yes - it is hard...

Men in that age bracket are often getting out of 20-year marriages and want to re-experience what they believe to be a lost youth with philandering and playing around.

During my peak time of searching, I had literally hundreds of online conversations and over fifty (50!) one-off, coffee meet-and-greets before I met a quality guy.

It was work, but I never gave up and eventually met a guy that I married (at the age of 50!)

May 13, 2015

I really don't think it's depressing as all that! Maybe it varies geographically. I'm in my 40's and I meet single men frequently, I just haven't found the right one, but many of them are very good guys, just no spark for me. I know of two men, right around 50 in fact that just became single because both their wives cheated on them- they are both very financially secure and good looking. People "become single" every day, you just never know. and all the good ones aren't taken, sooooo many "taken" are just plain bad too.

May 13, 2015

Depending on the age range you're looking at, you might find that many of the "taken" group are stuck with partners who have seriously let themselves go, b come complacent towards their partner and treat them as some kind of accessory rather than an agentic person with their own dreams, hopes, etc - which may have been thwarted by the minutiae a of suburban domesticity and parenthood. These people are ripe for the prospect of upgrading, and a chance to reconnect with their essence.

May 13, 2015

Well Rover, I must seem really old to you.... 67.

Widowed for 6 years now and have had enough coffee dates to sink the navy

I never dreamed there would be so many dead heads out there. If they have never been married, they don't know anything about relationships.They think a coffee and a roll in the hay is a relationship. If they have been divorced, they often keep holding onto the baggage and end up in financial straits. The list goes on and on.

I'm really done with dating. I have two dogs and a bird. They are much nicer than many of the men I have been out with.

I am not saying all men are like that, just the ones I have met in the last 6 years.

I hope you get over your break up with the lady. You sound like a nice decent man... where do you live again??? LOL

Poppy.

May 13, 2015

Here are some of my observations...

-Yes, a lot of good guys are taken....Even though some may be miserable they still stay, because they cant easily extricate themselves..So they trudge on..

-Many more higher level older guys, in terms of looks and financial status, wont bother with women their age...They go younger...simply because they can..

-Of the remainder left, You have several types..Perpetual losers, ugly ducklings that no one wants, and a large group of guys that were probably once good and high quality, but have become jaded and cynical, likely got shafted in a divorce settlement, and don't really give a crap about the whole process...They'll put on a dog and pony show, only to get laid, but won't invest anything serious into it-certainly not what a women would want..

I know this paints a bleak picture..I wish I could tell you its different..I am sure some get lucky, but its just the way life is..One thing that does seem to be puzzling, is that it seems like women, no matter what the age or what their life experience has been, still believe in the romance novel "getting swept off their feet by the man of their dreams, the hunky white knight with the 6 pack and the 200K job" kinda stuff..They still dream of white weddings and all of the accoutrements, no matter the age..Maybe its idealism taken too far, but I dunno..

Again, just observations here...not necessarily my opinions...As always, your mileage may vary..

TFY

May 13, 2015

I last dated in my late 30s. It was much harder than in college & grad school but it wasn't as impossible as people make it sound. It did require effort. I promised myself I would do at least one social thing per week to meet new people. I did OLD which I did not like & then went various mixers / events, most of which were not pure singles things.

May 13, 2015

As they say, all the good ones are taken.

Or in hiding because they have had enough of the equally mad women out there...

Off the top of my head I know at least 5 great guys, really great guys, who are single and would make fantastic relationship material.

They are either related, my boss etc so I can't date them.

The only single woman I know treated one of them like dirt on her shoe so needless to say I am not setting her up again!

All of the guys above have just about had enough of women. So they don't bother. After listening to their stories I can't say I blame them.

May 13, 2015

In a lot of the threads here, the advice (especially to the women), is dump the guy and get one that is honest, respects you and can love and take care of you.

How difficult is it to find such a person, especially in you're in the older crowd (like over 40 or so)?

In my area it's very hard for a woman to find a quality guy thats available and will treat a woman right. The ratio is probably 10 to 1, men to women.

I seriously doubt that the ratio is anywhere even close to 10:1. Of course if you're only comparing men who meet or exceed your expectations to the total number of females then it might be 1000:1... it would depend on the expectations, wouldn't it?

In the US, according to the 2010 census, the difference in numbers of males and females in their 40s and 50s is less than 3 percent.

I think it's nothing short of amazing that anyone manages to find love and a healthy relationship in our age range... and it has nothing to do with the numbers of male/female being askew. It's all about rigid expectations and an uncompromising attitudes of entitlement. Everyone feels they are deserving of a top-tier specimen, and by definition there are a lot fewer of them than people who expect to have one of their own.

The key to finding a mate is flexibility and openness. This thing that people do where they double down on the rigidity of their criteria is the recipe for remaining single 'till you die. In many respects, it's more about being the right person than finding the right person.

May 13, 2015

In many respects, it's more about being the right person than finding the right person.

^^ Very true. ^^

May 13, 2015

Sometimes there ARE some really good men in the 40+ age range who are willing to go past 25 if the woman really catches their attention. The last 2 people I dated (one was long term) were both initially thinking around age 25-30 for a woman. I am closer to 50 than 40, so something changed their minds. A good friend gave me the best advice: BE the high quality person instead of spending all your energy LOOKING FOR the high quality person.

Yes, a lot of men who are past mid-life have their "best years behind them," (as do many women sadly, and I don't mean looks), but a lot of men are not only still raring to go, they understand the benefits of experience and wisdom over "tight and perky".

I used to feel a bit miffed when someone in my age range wanted someone less than ten years out of the sorority house. Now I just realize some people would prefer Whataburger over A Michelin steakhouse

May 13, 2015

My mum is in her early 50s and my parents divorced around 10 years ago. I can probably count the number of dates she has had on 1 hand! After about 4 years she had her first date and instantly tried to make a go out of it with this guy (he was a complete waste of space) and he dumped her after about 6 months by text. She left dating again for another year or so and tried OLD, she dated one guy for a few months until she broke up with him because she felt he wasn't ready after his own divorce and then she was in contact with one guy until he said that he was a carer for his own ex wife who had a stroke and was now in a vegetative state- she decided not to get involved there.

Now she's been dating a guy for a year who she met talking on the phone at work- and he lives around 4 hours away. He's a nice enough guy- but his situation was terrible. He'd been separated 3 years and then decided to finalize the divorce after starting to date my mother. Except it was a year of a hellish divorce and a crazy ex who decided to stalk and leave abusive messages at my mother's place of work and our home. I feel she should have left this situation- but I reckon she was afraid of not meeting anyone else, so she hung on. His divorce finally came through last week, so I hope that's the end of it and I wonder how long it will be til they close the distance.

Long story short- I think some people as they get older settle when things aren't perfect just because they are afraid of not finding someone.

May 13, 2015

Again.,,not citing any personal opinion here, but it seems like if a guy loses his sex drive(as would be expected at middle age), or succumbs to ED, they then seem less interested in expending the effort...Its kind of interesting as well that many of the testosterone boosting advertising seems focused on women to push their guy into it...Rather than a guy wanting to do it on his own..

I cant tell you how many guys I know in their 40's and up that have active hobbies, family lives, maybe kids or even grandkids, and absolutely couldn't care less for anything to do with chasing women...These are men that could do it, just dont really care to..I've even watched these guys...They'll see a hot looking babe pass by and its as if they dont even see them..whereas at another point in their life, they'd see it from a mile away...

TFY

May 13, 2015

Have you found otherwise?

Historically, in my demographic and I'm now here 56 years, women generally replace one man with another either before their R or M ends (legally in the case of M's) or shortly thereafter. From my observation with male and female friends, the women do pretty well, in that the guys are generally stable, have careers or businesses, are active in the community and are either fathers or grandfathers depending on age. IMO, this is due to an excess of men compared to women in nearly all age groups and especially the 'middle-aged' (40's-50's). Where there is excess, there is demand for the gender in short supply and this impacts in two ways IMO. One, and especially with men, competition hones men to a razor edge. They know what they have to do to win and they do and this benefits the women they're after. Two, with an excess of men there is necessarily, percentage-wise and all else being equal, an excess of 'good men', again benefiting the women in that they have more samples to choose from and find attractive. With the demographic being California, a perhaps lesser, but third, aspect comes into play, generally related to the first assertion. Here, looks (physical appearance, fitness and health) are a competition all their own and the excess males who are single and looking are generally very appearance conscious and make a substantial investment in their appearance. I note this because those men in my social circle who are long married and of the same age generally talk about or act on far fewer aspects of appearance than those who are single. Appearance may still be of importance to them but it isn't on the 'front burner', so to speak.

The disparity of males to females was substantial enough during the 25 years or so my mother was a widow that, instead of chasing the demographic of males who should have been dying off in their 60's and 70's, having a shorter life span than female contemporaries, she found herself being chased by men. She was done, having been widowed after a long marriage but the demographics still were evident, even at her advanced age (60's when widowed) and relatively modest and ordinary life. IOW, other than sex and companionship, there was nothing to be gained by the men, yet there were enough of them partner-less that they were actively out there and seeking in their 60's and 70's. Their generation, perhaps less so than my own, focused on life-long partnerships with women so perhaps that drive was more engrained in them than in myself and my generation and those downstream, IDK. In any event , those are my observations.

May 13, 2015

Speaking as a woman who jumped backed into the dating pool at 40 after being married for 20 years, yes it is/was challenging. AND I was one of those that had her sh*t together big time. Just the way it goes.

I chatted and met a LOT of men of all ages since I started dating again and it's been a very eye-opening experience to say the least. The ones I assumedwould be good for me, were often not and the ones I didn't, were a much better fit than expected.

That's when I realized the need to be open to all sorts of possibilities when dating particularly when older if only to cast one's net wider. Things aren't always what you think and often times it's in those experiences where one is pleasantly surprised.

May 13, 2015

I did a LOT of online dating in my 40s and - yes - it is hard...

...

During my peak time of searching, I had literally hundreds of online conversations and over fifty (50!) one-off, coffee meet-and-greets before I met a quality guy.

It was work, but I never gave up and eventually met a guy that I married (at the age of 50!)

As a man, I experienced the same thing (and comparable numbers) before meeting a truly compatible woman whom I married. Great men want great women, just as great women want great men. Of course, not all who think they're great are all that great - but everyone wants someone who is at least comparable and compatible.

As people get older (50s and beyond) the number of healthy men vs. women declines, so there is a little more competition for the good men. By the time my father (who is a good man) went into assisted living, he was literally being fought over by interested women despite him being half-blind and badly arthritic.

Sign In

How hard is it to REALLY find a new man that's great for an older woman?

Recommended Posts

OldRover

Popsicle

Babs22

Hope Shimmers

minimariah

jen1447

todreaminblue

AngeliqueC

anika99

gaius

CarrieT

ttfn555

cocorico

Poppy47

thefooloftheyear

d0nnivain

Toodaloo

salparadise

d0nnivain

autumnnight

Penguin_hugs

thefooloftheyear

carhill

Michelle ma Belle

central

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...