alsudduth Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Once again I'm left feeling completely alone by my spouse. These days we might as well just be roommates....with benefits for him being that I cook/clean for him It is so frustrating with my that my husband is ok with sitting in front of the tv either playing video games or watching anime for HOURS while I work,pick up children, go to the store, fix dinner and then sees nothing wrong with just up and going to bed with no word to anyone. No "Thanks for dinner" No "Need help getting the kids to bed before I crash?" No "I'm going to bed" Just straight up retires to our room and lights out. I was furious yesterday. He knows that it's wrong, he know's that it bothers me. why does he keep doing this? Yesterday that was our literal scenario. He comes home from work around 4, I'm still working (I work from home) He changes and sits in front of the tv to play video games. I finish working around 5:30, plan a trip to the store on my way to pick up our daughter from a friends....get home - he and our son are still in front of the tv playing video games. I make dinner around 6:30, feed the kids and myself while he eats in front of the tv watching anime. I ask him to take out the trash, he says sure - doesn't do it. just up and goes to bed at around 8:15...15 minutes before it's the kids bedtime. Leaving me to tuck them in (which I don't mind - it's the "where's daddy? When is daddy coming in? questions that I mind) So it leaves me to stay up till 11pm cleaning up Dinner dishes and taking out the trash. What am I to do when I have clearly communicated to him that this behavior is unacceptable?? Is this how most marriages are?
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I was furious yesterday. He knows that it's wrong, he know's that it bothers me. why does he keep doing this? Because there are no consequences to his actions and he doesn't care about your feelings. At this stage if you're this unhappy, and you must be to consider yourselves basically roommates, it's basically a choice between carrying on or telling him it's over if nothing changes. And you need to mean it and be prepared to walk away. I don't think most happy marriages resemble this, no. Most happy marriages include both partners having their needs met and feeling loved. If you're asking whether many marriages are miserable, then yes, many are. But it depends on what you want for yourself. Will you settle for a miserable relationship or would you rather be single? 8
Haydn Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Once again I'm left feeling completely alone by my spouse. These days we might as well just be roommates....with benefits for him being that I cook/clean for him It is so frustrating with my that my husband is ok with sitting in front of the tv either playing video games or watching anime for HOURS while I work,pick up children, go to the store, fix dinner and then sees nothing wrong with just up and going to bed with no word to anyone. No "Thanks for dinner" No "Need help getting the kids to bed before I crash?" No "I'm going to bed" Just straight up retires to our room and lights out. I was furious yesterday. He knows that it's wrong, he know's that it bothers me. why does he keep doing this? Yesterday that was our literal scenario. He comes home from work around 4, I'm still working (I work from home) He changes and sits in front of the tv to play video games. I finish working around 5:30, plan a trip to the store on my way to pick up our daughter from a friends....get home - he and our son are still in front of the tv playing video games. I make dinner around 6:30, feed the kids and myself while he eats in front of the tv watching anime. I ask him to take out the trash, he says sure - doesn't do it. just up and goes to bed at around 8:15...15 minutes before it's the kids bedtime. Leaving me to tuck them in (which I don't mind - it's the "where's daddy? When is daddy coming in? questions that I mind) So it leaves me to stay up till 11pm cleaning up Dinner dishes and taking out the trash. What am I to do when I have clearly communicated to him that this behavior is unacceptable?? Is this how most marriages are? I am not married but have kiddies and am in a RS. No this is not how it should be. I don`t know your background but he sounds like a lazy..... to me. Make him do some work. Don`t cook for him. He sounds too comfortable. If he can`t even tuck in his kids then you should think about whats best for your family. Sorry you are having to go through this. 2
jen1447 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 What am I to do when I have clearly communicated to him that this behavior is unacceptable?? If communication time hasn't worked, maybe it's ultimatum time. 4
writergal Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 What am I to do when I have clearly communicated to him that this behavior is unacceptable?? Is this how most marriages are? Your husband needs to have consequences and it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel. Marriages only become what you have when one or both people shut down (i.e. no communication) and stop participating in the relationship. 1
understand50 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Real men don't do this sh@t. He needs to at least sit at the table and eat with everyone. I think in this case you need to put your foot down, you are a wife and lover, not a maid. I have been married for 40 plus years, and it is not this way at my house. First he needs to be a "father" to his kids while they still want him to be. Chores around the house, should be even if both of you are working. My wife is a stay at home, so she has the bulk of it now, but when she worked swing shift, I did it all the "mothering and fathering" on "my" days. I do not have any advise what you should. All I can say is this is not normal. 374 2
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Yup, shame on you for enabling his behaviour. He's lazy and expects you to do everything for him so he can sit on his ass and do nothing. Stop cooking for him. If he is hungry he can make his own dinner. Stop doing his laundry! He's a grown man not a young child. Time to lay down the law. If he refuses to help out and change his ways, time think about divorce. Marriage is a give-take/compromise thing and he's doing all the taking and you're doing all the compromising. 4
regine_phalange Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) I don't think this is normal. I'm not married but I can tell you my experience with my parents. My dad was working from 8 am to 10 pm, with just 2 hours of break in between. My mum worked normal hours. But still, my dad always shopped for groceries in his precious lunch/nap break and took the trash out at night before his precious sleep. These were his chores and he did them happily. P.S: And my dad wasn't the most communicative person in the world. But still he managed to communicate about this stuff with my mum. Edited May 13, 2015 by regine_phalange 1
regine_phalange Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Stop cooking for him. If he is hungry he can make his own dinner. Stop doing his laundry! He's a grown man not a young child. I suppose it's hard for her not to make dinner because she has kids. But I agree about the laundry and everything else that's his. If he asks she can say "I'll do it later". Until he realises that he has no clean underwear and shirts, and how frustrating it is to be with someone passive aggressive. 2
Author alsudduth Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Thanks for your input! I talked to him yesterday. I told him this was not going to work for me the way things are, and that I'm about a foot away from walking out on the marriage. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me, and he said yes - so I told him that I find it really hard to understand why he wants to be married when he acts like a single man. I told him that regardless of whether he cares whether we live in a pig sty, that I CARE. and if I care, then he should help out solely because of that. he feels like it's not his mess most of the time so why should he clean it up? I said - I realize that 90% of the messy house isn't him, but that 90% of the messy house isn't my stuff either. But it is OUR children's mess most of the time and that it shouldn't be only my responsibility to get them to clean it up. That they are OUR kids and if he doesn't care if I make dinner or not then whatever - but OUR kids still need to eat a balanced meal and it should be both of our responsibility to take care of making that happen, along with bedtime, and chores, and quality time etc He said he see's my point..... but we'll see. I also talked to him about his lack of intimacy with me...not just sex but being there in general with me, doing something nice for me. it's not in his character build to think of other people....that's something I have to remember, but he did agree to and put a calendar reminder on his phone to look up articles and and ideas on "how to make your wife happy" and to then set himself a couple more reminders to actually do some of the things he finds. We'll see how that goes. If this can't promote any changes - I'm going to have to divorce him. We had a long talk actually - I don't feel 100% confident that things will change, but I do think he heard me and we'll see. 2
sandylee1 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 There needs to be mutual consideration in a marriage. Like you I do all the cooking at home and most of the cleaning. I also did pretty much all the tucking into bed when our kids were younger. However, My H who also plays video games is responsible where the traditional mens stuff is concerned. He does the maintenance and is really good (better than me) at cleaning the whole house, but obviously not on a daily basis. It needs to be balanced, otherwise you'll get so fed up with him and loose regard. Once a friend of mine was so overwhelmed with doing everything at home and dealing with 3 little ones, that she called her H at work one day and said she was on the verge of a breakdown and had dropped the kids off with her mother so she could go to the doctors. He got home before she could blink and things changed from that day onwards. At least till the kids were older anyway. Another person I know checked herself into a private hospital, due to exhausted and extreme fatigue . Claiming dizziness and feeling constantly faint. Actually transpired that she was dehydrated in the end. The H who was useless around the house was so scared and stepped up. Unless your H sees any consequences he won't change. 1
Author alsudduth Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 How often do you two have sex? Before our problems really started about 2 year ago, we had sex 3-4 times a week....now we average once a month. maybe.
gaius Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Before our problems really started about 2 year ago, we had sex 3-4 times a week....now we average once a month. maybe. I've read some of your other threads and I really don't think this is salvageable. There must be some epic burning resentment going on from both ends and there's no way to get a partner to be willingly helpful with all those bad feelings, and no sex. 1
jen1447 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Thanks for your input! I talked to him yesterday. I told him this was not going to work for me the way things are, and that I'm about a foot away from walking out on the marriage. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me, and he said yes - so I told him that I find it really hard to understand why he wants to be married when he acts like a single man. I told him that regardless of whether he cares whether we live in a pig sty, that I CARE. and if I care, then he should help out solely because of that. he feels like it's not his mess most of the time so why should he clean it up? I said - I realize that 90% of the messy house isn't him, but that 90% of the messy house isn't my stuff either. But it is OUR children's mess most of the time and that it shouldn't be only my responsibility to get them to clean it up. That they are OUR kids and if he doesn't care if I make dinner or not then whatever - but OUR kids still need to eat a balanced meal and it should be both of our responsibility to take care of making that happen, along with bedtime, and chores, and quality time etc He said he see's my point..... but we'll see. I also talked to him about his lack of intimacy with me...not just sex but being there in general with me, doing something nice for me. it's not in his character build to think of other people....that's something I have to remember, but he did agree to and put a calendar reminder on his phone to look up articles and and ideas on "how to make your wife happy" and to then set himself a couple more reminders to actually do some of the things he finds. We'll see how that goes. If this can't promote any changes - I'm going to have to divorce him. We had a long talk actually - I don't feel 100% confident that things will change, but I do think he heard me and we'll see. Really like your determination and taking action here. Hoping things work out for you, but I'm glad you're flexing your balls now. 2
Satu Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I suppose it's hard for her not to make dinner because she has kids. But I agree about the laundry and everything else that's his. If he asks she can say "I'll do it later". Until he realises that he has no clean underwear and shirts, and how frustrating it is to be with someone *passive aggressive. Bingo. *You hit the nail right on the head. 2
almond Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Sad situation, and some good advice in this thread. You definitely need to take action. I'd also recommend encouraging him to seek individual counselling. He seems quite withdrawn and disconnected from his life...perhaps depression or something similar going on with him? I think it's a good idea to rule this sort of thing out. Marriage counselling as well as individual counselling for the both of you is a good idea to help you guys navigate this, and hopefully get to the root of the problem. Good luck <3 1
GemmaUK Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I know you said 'fool me 1000 times' but has this always been his nature or was this a change that happened over a few months where he kinda lost his appetite for being in the team and sharing responsibility? He does sound like a lazy...but I'm wondering if he has some stresses or something he isn't telling you about. I was in a LTR with a man for 14 years and we each had times of stress/exhaustion and yep, changing our behaviour due to it. Talking and caring on each side made the world of difference. Heck, we even had full blown arguments but ones which were needed to see the others perspective. I admire that you have talked to him and that he has taken note but if it were my partner who inherently I loved then I would want to listen to him and find out what is going on without judging. I would save the whole 'him stepping up' until I understood how he feels. Like I say though - that is 'if' this has been a change in him. If he was always like this or had been since you got married/had children then this would probably be my last try and I would be out if he didn't put some effort in. One of the signs of depression is wanting to sleep a lot though - which makes me think he may have changed his behaviour in the other ays you mention as well over maybe the last few months/year or two?
Author alsudduth Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I'm gonna play devil's advocate here a bit. When you say you work from home, do you actually earn any money? Does any of that money go towards paying any bills? I know that if I am the one paying all of the bills around the house, I am gonna play the crap out of some video games when I get home. Yes, I make twice the amount of money he makes. He pays for half the rent, half the utilities/car payment/insurance...I pay for everything else.
Author alsudduth Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Sad situation, and some good advice in this thread. You definitely need to take action. I'd also recommend encouraging him to seek individual counselling. He seems quite withdrawn and disconnected from his life...perhaps depression or something similar going on with him? I think it's a good idea to rule this sort of thing out. Marriage counselling as well as individual counselling for the both of you is a good idea to help you guys navigate this, and hopefully get to the root of the problem. Good luck <3 We went through marriage counseling and individual counseling weekly the entire year last year. If you are interested, I've had a couple other threads talking about the counseling and his response to it...
Author alsudduth Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 This has been his behaviour pretty much our entire relationship and over the years it has broken me down to the point where I am no longer willing to settle for it. My daughter is getting older and I don't want her to follow in my footsteps and settle for something less than she deserves because she saw me do it. Yesterday was a promising start for him, he came home from work at the same time a friend of mine (who was having a really bad day) showed up for some comfort and he engages us both in conversation before *ASKING* if he could use the tv to play some games - then at dinner promptly turned it off so we could all watch a movie. Then he proactively started getting the kids ready for bed while I finished the dinner dishes and stayed with me the entire time we were tucking them in. He spent time talking with me for a few minutes about our days before we turned the lights off for bed, and this morning woke up early before he had to get ready to leave and snuggled his arms around me....leading to sex. (YAY! lol) I really hope that he sees the benefit of being present in the family/relationship and can keep the behavior up....for him consistency is a problem so I'm still skeptical - but I'm glad he seemed to have payed attention during our last talk. 2
misspond Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 This has been his behaviour pretty much our entire relationship and over the years it has broken me down to the point where I am no longer willing to settle for it. My daughter is getting older and I don't want her to follow in my footsteps and settle for something less than she deserves because she saw me do it. Yesterday was a promising start for him, he came home from work at the same time a friend of mine (who was having a really bad day) showed up for some comfort and he engages us both in conversation before *ASKING* if he could use the tv to play some games - then at dinner promptly turned it off so we could all watch a movie. Then he proactively started getting the kids ready for bed while I finished the dinner dishes and stayed with me the entire time we were tucking them in. He spent time talking with me for a few minutes about our days before we turned the lights off for bed, and this morning woke up early before he had to get ready to leave and snuggled his arms around me....leading to sex. (YAY! lol) I really hope that he sees the benefit of being present in the family/relationship and can keep the behavior up....for him consistency is a problem so I'm still skeptical - but I'm glad he seemed to have payed attention during our last talk. I hope for your sake, and that of your children, that this is the beginning of a major change in his commitment to your marriage and relationship. I was in a similar situation for far too long and finally left him four years ago. For me it was the best decision I ever made because, depending on your viewpoint, life is either too long or two short to put up with unhappiness and resentment every day.
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