Relationship of convenience

[aurorest]

Thank you for clarifying ...I now retract everything I said previously.

 

Don't ever EVER think or even hope a man will change "for you." He won't! He is who he is ....and always will be. A man's *character * never changes.

 

Oh he may suppress it for a short time, but don't be fooled.

 

aurorest, follow your gut. I was under the impression your gut was telling you that you can trust him....but if your gut is telling you otherwise, as it apparently is....don't be foolish ...pay attention!

 

I know you like him, but for the love of God, if the guy is chatting up other women, cheating is not far off...if not happening already ... so what's the point of staying with that!!

 

Don't you want a man whom you can trust, who doesn't chat up other chicks, who you don't have to worry about him cheating on you . or whether or not he is using you???

 

What kind of relationship is that?

 

I mean seriously now....think about it.

 

What you said all makes sense but I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it IS possible for a guy like that to actually like someone, right? Especially when I'm spending so much time with him. (I know I keep on going back to that argument, but if he weren't all that into me, he would not be open to seeing me every day...I hope!)

 

I really don't know about whether or not it's a gut instinct or me just causing trouble with not trusting him. I wish I could!

 

I am 99% sure that he is not physically cheating on me right now. And I am pretty certain he is not chatting up women (at least not his exes like he used to). Which is why I'm wondering if he's actually falling for me for real. Is this just my attraction for him blinding me to flashing red lights?

[katiegrl]

What you said all makes sense but I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it IS possible for a guy like that to actually like someone, right? Especially when I'm spending so much time with him. (I know I keep on going back to that argument, but if he weren't all that into me, he would not be open to seeing me every day...I hope!)

 

I really don't know about whether or not it's a gut instinct or me just causing trouble with not trusting him. I wish I could!

 

I am 99% sure that he is not physically cheating on me right now. And I am pretty certain he is not chatting up women (at least not his exes like he used to). Which is why I'm wondering if he's actually falling for me for real.

 

 

***Is this just my attraction for him blinding me to flashing red lights?***

 

I don't know. YOU are the *only* person who can answer that.

 

Good luck.

[katiegrl]

What you said all makes sense but I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

**I mean, it IS possible for a guy like that to actually like someone, right? **

 

Especially when I'm spending so much time with him. (I know I keep on going back to that argument, but if he weren't all that into me, he would not be open to seeing me every day...I hope!)

 

I really don't know about whether or not it's a gut instinct or me just causing trouble with not trusting him. I wish I could!

 

I am 99% sure that he is not physically cheating on me right now. And I am pretty certain he is not chatting up women (at least not his exes like he used to). Which is why I'm wondering if he's actually falling for me for real. Is this just my attraction for him blinding me to flashing red lights?

 

And to answer your above question (in asterisk)...yes of course it's possible... and I am sure he does really like you.

 

That doesn't mean he will remain faithful to you and be honest with you. As I said, that goes to his character, which doesn't change, no matter how much he *likes* or even loves a woman.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater ....as the saying goes. Cheaters don't change, they just learn to hide it better...

 

Your call....

[Leigh 87]

Bahahahhaa.

 

My ex of nearly three years spent every day with me. He wasn't even sexually attracted to me.

[aurorest]

And to answer your above question (in asterisk)...yes of course it's possible... and I am sure he does really like you.

 

That doesn't mean he will remain faithful to you and be honest with you. As I said, that goes to his character, which doesn't change, no matter how much he *likes* or even loves a woman.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater ....as the saying goes. Cheaters don't change, they just learn to hide it better...

 

Your call....

 

...I guess the best case scenario with him would be a polyamorous relationship, is what you're saying. I'm pretty sure he's being monogamous now, but it sounds like the clock is ticking down toward when he'll want to cheat again.

 

I know what I should do but I almost can't bring myself to do it...Not at the moment when he's being faithful. But I don't want to wait around until he's not and then be hurt even more. It's all a gamble because I don't even know if that will happen. It's nice to think that I'm the one he changes his ways for.

 

 

Bahahahhaa.

 

My ex of nearly three years spent every day with me. He wasn't even sexually attracted to me.

 

That's so hard to understand! Why did he stay with you? My bf is definitely sexually attracted to me, that I am sure of. Although I guess it's not hard for certain guys to be sexually attracted to any warm willing female body.

[katiegrl]

...I guess the best case scenario with him would be a polyamorous relationship, is what you're saying. I'm pretty sure he's being monogamous now, but it sounds like the clock is ticking down toward when he'll want to cheat again.

 

I know what I should do but I almost can't bring myself to do it...Not at the moment when he's being faithful. But I don't want to wait around until he's not and then be hurt even more. It's all a gamble because I don't even know if that will happen. It's nice to think that I'm the one he changes his ways for.

 

 

 

 

That's so hard to understand! Why did he stay with you? My bf is definitely sexually attracted to me, that I am sure of. Although I guess it's not hard for certain guys to be sexually attracted to any warm willing female body.

 

aurorest, as I said, cheaters don't change, they just become more skilled at hiding it.

 

Meaning, he could, and probably is, cheating currently, but hiding it well..

 

But if you want to hang in, your call. Just be aware of who he is..a man's past behavior is a good indicator of how he behaves in the present and how he will behave in the future.

 

Good luck...

[aurorest]

aurorest, as I said, cheaters don't change, they just become more skilled at hiding it.

 

Meaning, he could, and probably is, cheating currently, but hiding it well..

 

But if you want to hang in, your call. Just be aware of who he is..a man's past behavior is a good indicator of how he behaves in the present and how he will behave in the future.

 

Good luck...

 

Thank you. I've been thinking of the above bolded part a lot recently...

 

Can anyone tell me why a man who likes you only for your convenience and for the ego boost can spend every day with you to the point where you're basically living together while knowing the whole time that the relationship will never get serious? What is a man's reasoning behind that?

[carhill]

Scary version is the placeholder. The person is used for services or companionship or both and discarded when another provider catches the man's eye or he meets 'the one'. There's no time limit on this; it's individual. The part that makes it scary is today one could think they have a great thing going and tomorrow, poof, gone without comment. That's why it's known as a relationship of convenience. The particulars here are known only to the parties since none of us can read minds. Hence we're offering up our experiences. I had a lot of these types of experiences with women, especially undisclosed MW's. I came to describe it as the honey wagon syndrome, a somewhat humorous take on our 'honey wagon', a euphemism for the truck that pumps the sewage out of septic tanks.

[katiegrl]

Thank you. I've been thinking of the above bolded part a lot recently...

 

Can anyone tell me why a man who likes you only for your convenience and for the ego boost can spend every day with you to the point where you're basically living together while knowing the whole time that the relationship will never get serious? What is a man's reasoning behind that?

 

aurorest, pls stop assuming he is only with you for *convenience* or that his cheating or chatting up other girls is in any way related to you or how much he likes/loves you.

 

They are two separate issues and in many cases totally unrelated.

 

As I said in an earlier post (I think), a man could love a woman very much but STILL want to cheat! His desire/need for stimulation (emotional or physical or both ) from *other* women has nothing to do with the woman or how he feels about her (you).

 

In "some" cases it does, but in *most* cases, the man's character is flawed, he is selfish, lacks integrity...and has little to no conscience or even awareness of how detrimental his behavior is to the relationship....one woman (no matter how beautiful and exciting she is) will never be enough for him.

 

This is HIS issue and if you stay it will become YOUR issue ...but again it has little to nothing to do with how he feels about you.

 

The "right" woman will never change a man like this.....he's just flawed.

Edited May 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

aurorest, there is another thread running right now called "Leaving...I Need Support" created by a female poster (ddlovexx) who just discovered her boyfriend's deception and she is devastated.

 

This is a man who was apparently very happy with her and loved her...still does...but tough tomatoes, it's finally over for her and she left. His loss!

 

Please read it!

Edited May 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[hunk]

Just dropping in to add my 2 cents that I behaved in the exact way your boyfriend does (down to the "i'm with you, i'm not seeing anyone else) for 1.5 years and never had any intention of going further with the girl, never said i loved her, etc etc. I would've let it go on forever until I found "the one" and would've dropped this girl like a hat. She put up with it for 1.5 years and then dumped me when she finally had enough. We also spent almost every day together. It was the feeling of having someone love you, having someone to sleep with and spend time with. But she wasn't the one. If your gut is feeling off then do something about it and ask him where you stand with him. If you matter to him he will make sure you know. This feeling you have is only going to get worse until you get some kind of clarification from him.

[WonderKid]

They are called "situationships". That's what people these days often get into. Not many folks are into investing the chemistry, time, and conventions into a relationship.

[Perrier]

TBH OP, you sound convenient for where he's at in his stage of life. Sadly I think he's decided how far he's going with you - 'coast' mode.

 

I would cut back on sleepovers and all this hanging out with his friends, especially since he doesn't introduce you to the female ones.

 

I read Steve Harvey's book, 'Act like a woman, think like a man,' in which he says women know deep down what it means when a man doesn't introduce them as his gf.

[aurorest]

They are called "situationships". That's what people these days often get into. Not many folks are into investing the chemistry, time, and conventions into a relationship.

 

I've never heard of the term "situationship," but I just Googled it and it sounds very familiar...

 

TBH OP, you sound convenient for where he's at in his stage of life. Sadly I think he's decided how far he's going with you - 'coast' mode.

 

I would cut back on sleepovers and all this hanging out with his friends, especially since he doesn't introduce you to the female ones.

 

I read Steve Harvey's book, 'Act like a woman, think like a man,' in which he says women know deep down what it means when a man doesn't introduce them as his gf.

 

If he ever outgrows this stage in life do you think he'd switch me out for a new girl? Or would he want us to grow together?

 

Thanks for everyone's advice. I guess it's pretty much that I'm in a dead-end relationship. I'm having fun and enjoying being together but if I stay around for a long time, I know I'm bound to get hurt if all this is true. It's just very hard to cut the connection especially since we've escalated to spending 7 days a week with each other. I'm considering staying until the "honeymoon period" ends...That might be a stupid choice though...

Edited May 19, 2015 by aurorest

[ExpatInItaly]

I've never heard of the term "situationship," but I just Googled it and it sounds very familiar...

 

 

 

If he ever outgrows this stage in life do you think he'd switch me out for a new girl? Or would he want us to grow together?

 

Thanks for everyone's advice. I guess it's pretty much that I'm in a dead-end relationship. I'm having fun and enjoying being together but if I stay around for a long time, I know I'm bound to get hurt if all this is true. It's just very hard to cut the connection especially since we've escalated to spending 7 days a week with each other. I'm considering staying until the "honeymoon period" ends...That might be a stupid choice though...

 

For what reason?

 

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Ask him what he sees in the future for the two of you. (Don't ask if he sees himself getting married one day - that's an easy yes/no answer, to which he already replied) What's stopping you from having this conversation with him?

[lana-banana]

If he ever outgrows this stage in life do you think he'd switch me out for a new girl? Or would he want us to grow together?

 

This guy has been clear that he doesn't see a long-term future with you. He said nothing about wanting to be with you in five years, or that he'd even considered it, and has never discussed marriage or more serious commitments with you. Yes, there will be a new girl for a new phase of his life. However much that hurts to read I guarantee you it is a million times worse when it actually happens.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice. I guess it's pretty much that I'm in a dead-end relationship. I'm having fun and enjoying being together but if I stay around for a long time, I know I'm bound to get hurt if all this is true. It's just very hard to cut the connection especially since we've escalated to spending 7 days a week with each other. I'm considering staying until the "honeymoon period" ends...That might be a stupid choice though...

 

You keep mentioning all the time you spend together as though it's somehow proof that he truly cares about you, when really it's just you making yourself available to him. You're doing all the work in this relationship.

 

If you're in a dead-end relationship you're not in a honeymoon period. The honeymoon period is when you're texting kissy faces and saying "I miss you" and "I think you're beautiful/handsome" and your heart races whenever he's around. And meanwhile, beyond the honeymoon period, how is this guy as a boyfriend? How often does this guy tell you you're beautiful and call himself a lucky guy for having you in his life? Does he do nice things for you, write you love notes and call just to check in when you're not feeling well? There are millions of men who will treat you like gold if you let them; there's no reason to spend so much time and energy on someone who treats you like quartz.

 

You seem obsessed with the notion that you can change him somehow, or that you've changed him already and if you just stay a little longer you'll open his eyes to being his one true love. Although people can change when they meet someone, that happens almost instantaneously, not after a year. When a guy meets the girl he wants to make his wife he knows it pretty damn quickly. His friends will notice the change too. Meanwhile, this man has shown no signs of change. As it is all you have is his word that he's not sleeping with somebody else (you don't know what he does when he's out of town, but you do know that he's constantly chatting with other women) and a guy who refuses to say he loves you because he doesn't. Why don't you believe you deserve better than this? You say you're "having fun" but you wouldn't be posting here if you were happy or satisfied. You deserve so, so much better than this and we're all rooting for you.

[aurorest]

For what reason?

 

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Ask him what he sees in the future for the two of you. (Don't ask if he sees himself getting married one day - that's an easy yes/no answer, to which he already replied) What's stopping you from having this conversation with him?

 

Truth is, nothing is stopping me except for the uncomfortable atmosphere that comes down whenever we have talks like this. He is always willing to talk but whenever topics like this come up, he kind of goes inward and doesn't give any elaborate responses. And I never push it.

 

This guy has been clear that he doesn't see a long-term future with you. He said nothing about wanting to be with you in five years, or that he'd even considered it, and has never discussed marriage or more serious commitments with you. Yes, there will be a new girl for a new phase of his life. However much that hurts to read I guarantee you it is a million times worse when it actually happens.

 

You keep mentioning all the time you spend together as though it's somehow proof that he truly cares about you, when really it's just you making yourself available to him. You're doing all the work in this relationship.

If you're in a dead-end relationship you're not in a honeymoon period. The honeymoon period is when you're texting kissy faces and saying "I miss you" and "I think you're beautiful/handsome" and your heart races whenever he's around. And meanwhile, beyond the honeymoon period, how is this guy as a boyfriend? How often does this guy tell you you're beautiful and call himself a lucky guy for having you in his life? Does he do nice things for you, write you love notes and call just to check in when you're not feeling well? There are millions of men who will treat you like gold if you let them; there's no reason to spend so much time and energy on someone who treats you like quartz.

 

You seem obsessed with the notion that you can change him somehow, or that you've changed him already and if you just stay a little longer you'll open his eyes to being his one true love. Although people can change when they meet someone, that happens almost instantaneously, not after a year. When a guy meets the girl he wants to make his wife he knows it pretty damn quickly. His friends will notice the change too. Meanwhile, this man has shown no signs of change. As it is all you have is his word that he's not sleeping with somebody else (you don't know what he does when he's out of town, but you do know that he's constantly chatting with other women) and a guy who refuses to say he loves you because he doesn't. Why don't you believe you deserve better than this? You say you're "having fun" but you wouldn't be posting here if you were happy or satisfied. You deserve so, so much better than this and we're all rooting for you.

 

Thank you for your tough love and encouragement. Now that I've established myself as a girl for his current life stage, I guess it's impossible to change into a girl for the future in his eyes, hmm? It's hard to see him ever growing out of his current stage actually...

 

I guess I am doing most of the work with going over to his place every day and all, but isn't he putting in a lot of effort to be available to be with me every day? When he could be out like before, meeting more women.

 

No, he has not done/said those things for/to me. Do men really do that?

 

Yes, I guess I am caught up on the fact that he might change for me. :/ I've always thought people could change for the ones they love or have the potential to love. I know some don't but the possibility that he COULD is what I'm caught up on.

 

Is it really true (bolded above) that men change INSTANTANEOUSLY for a woman he meets that's wife material?

Edited May 20, 2015 by aurorest

[ExpatInItaly]

Truth is, nothing is stopping me except for the uncomfortable atmosphere that comes down whenever we have talks like this. He is always willing to talk but whenever topics like this come up, he kind of goes inward and doesn't give any elaborate responses. And I never push it.

 

 

 

Thank you for your tough love and encouragement. Now that I've established myself as a girl for his current life stage, I guess it's impossible to change into a girl for the future in his eyes, hmm? It's hard to see him ever growing out of his current stage actually...

 

I guess I am doing most of the work with going over to his place every day and all, but isn't he putting in a lot of effort to be available to be with me every day? When he could be out like before, meeting more women.

 

No, he has not done/said those things for/to me. Do men really do that?

 

Yes, I guess I am caught up on the fact that he might change for me. :/ I've always thought people could change for the ones they love or have the potential to love. I know some don't but the possibility that he COULD is what I'm caught up on.

 

Is it really true (bolded above) that men change INSTANTANEOUSLY for a woman he meets that's wife material?

 

He doesn't elaborate because he knows you won't like his answers. A guy who is serious about you wouldn't be skating around these topics the way he is.

 

And yes, plenty of men do offer those sweet words and gestures. Not all, but many do. It sounds like you've never experienced this?

 

I think in the end you know it's not a serious relationship. But you're afraid of hearing the truth directly from him. No, it's not hard work for him to make himself available to you. Because actually, the opposite is happening. You are making yourself available to him. Stop doing that so much and see what happens. Go out and spend time with your friends and cultivate your interests. Maybe I am mistaken, but it appears as though this guy takes up a lot of your time. Any healthy relationship needs balance. Don't give up on your life for him.

[lana-banana]

"Do men really do that? " is one of the saddest things I've ever read on this site. My boyfriend calls me beautiful every day, buys me flowers about once a month, and reminds me how much he cares before we go to bed.

 

Last night my boyfriend and I sat down for a talk. We're both 28 and have been together for 10 months. We're still very much in the honeymoon period although we squabble sometimes. I just wanted to be sure we were on the same page, relationship-wise. At 10 months it's still too soon to know about us in the long term, but I know I don't want to be somebody's girlfriend forever and I knew in the past he had been against marriage (although we've joked and had some vague discussions about it together). He told me he was against marriage with his last girlfriend (of almost 4 years) because he knew he never wanted to marry her but felt he'd invested too much to just walk away. He said he didn't feel that way about me, that he wasn't against marriage and had considered it with me, but that he didn't ever want to be in a situation where I gave him an ultimatum. We both agreed it was too soon but we'd be open with each other about next steps when we're ready. The most important thing he said was that our relationship is a factor in all his current career and other life decisions, and that he loves me very much and wants to be with me. And he offered me a key to his place.

 

Later I realized I'd forgotten my shoes back at my apartment. I offered to just leave early this morning to go get them, but he drove across town to my place so I could get them and drove us back. I think that gesture told me a lot about his worth as a partner. Don't worry, I thanked him quite a bit and will be finding new ways to show my appreciation..

 

My relationship isn't perfect by any means, but this man treats me like gold and I strive to treat him even better. Above all we respect, cherish and are open with each other, and at the end of the day we want the same things. I think that's what a healthy adult relationship is about. Why would you settle for someone who's never sweet to you?

[aurorest]

He doesn't elaborate because he knows you won't like his answers. A guy who is serious about you wouldn't be skating around these topics the way he is.

 

And yes, plenty of men do offer those sweet words and gestures. Not all, but many do. It sounds like you've never experienced this?

 

I think in the end you know it's not a serious relationship. But you're afraid of hearing the truth directly from him. No, it's not hard work for him to make himself available to you. Because actually, the opposite is happening. You are making yourself available to him. Stop doing that so much and see what happens. Go out and spend time with your friends and cultivate your interests. Maybe I am mistaken, but it appears as though this guy takes up a lot of your time. Any healthy relationship needs balance. Don't give up on your life for him.

 

Yes, he has pretty much taken over my life thus far but it was also my choosing.

 

 

My relationship isn't perfect by any means, but this man treats me like gold and I strive to treat him even better. Above all we respect, cherish and are open with each other, and at the end of the day we want the same things. I think that's what a healthy adult relationship is about. Why would you settle for someone who's never sweet to you?

 

He can be sweet in his own way. I mean he constantly makes fun of me is his means of flirting. We cuddle every night and it's like he doesn't want to let me go sometimes. But when he wakes up it's like he shuts it off to focus on the day ahead or something. Verbally he doesn't say many emotional things or adoring words.

 

 

EMERGENCY! Today he asked me to move in with him. It was all kind of sudden and I'm wondering if it's the right choice. We've known each other for a year but have only been official for maybe 5 months. Since then he's lost his job and is trying to start up his own business so I know he is kind of low on funds and not in the best situation in life. I can't help wondering two completely different things:

 

- If this means we're taking the relationship to the next level and he's finally chosen to commit to someone--ME! When he has always been a player in the past.

 

- If he's going to be using me for financial reasons. I mean I'm over at his place every day already, cooking and being domestic, but moving in officially would mean splitting the rent and bills. And it would mean that he cannot have any other women over because all my things will be there.

 

Either way, he does see some sort of future with me...right?

[MissBee]

Aurorest ,

 

It's like you want everyone to just shut their eyes and tell you that yes he sees a future, yes he can change for you etc.. But sorry, the fact you need so much reassurance is in itself the biggest indicator of what this is and isn't. Trust me. When a man loves you and sees a future with you, you don't spend all your time asking strangers to dissect him and give you hope, you feel sure and secure! Several people have given examples of how their guy, who they feel secure, with behaves and they aren't here worried half to death because they know. Every guy may not be overly romantic but committed guys who love and see a future with a woman tend to have some commonalities, and your guy exhibits none of these tell-tale signsm You also know but are still in denial and are hoping for something different. Also why can't you just ask him about the future?

 

There's another thread on red flags where someone asked if anyone has ever seen red flags and the relationship still worked out... Except for one person most everyone else agrees that the writings were on the wall and nothing changed.

 

Him asking you to move in does not seem like it's about love or a future but practical-he has no job or money and needs a roommate and who better than the woman he is sleeping with who seems to be willing to do anything to be important to him? Further, a normal roommate would mean he has to pay half, while I bet when you move in you'll end up paying much more if not all. Now is the perfect time to ask about the future and TRULY listen to how he responds...not just ignore and hope it means something else.

 

But it's up to you...

 

However, you're not the first woman who signs up for misery and second guessing because she's decided to be with a man who wasn't all that into her and wait for him to wake up one day and feel she is the love of his life. It's a common and sad tale. The saddest part is, there are other men. None of these guys are your last chance and this guy sure as heck isn't so it's sad to waste your time and energy in a relationship that you spend most times second guessing than being truly happy and secure when other men do exist.

Edited May 21, 2015 by MissBee

[aurorest]

 

EMERGENCY! Today he asked me to move in with him. It was all kind of sudden and I'm wondering if it's the right choice. We've known each other for a year but have only been official for maybe 5 months. Since then he's lost his job and is trying to start up his own business so I know he is kind of low on funds and not in the best situation in life. I can't help wondering two completely different things:

 

- If this means we're taking the relationship to the next level and he's finally chosen to commit to someone--ME! When he has always been a player in the past.

 

- If he's going to be using me for financial reasons. I mean I'm over at his place every day already, cooking and being domestic, but moving in officially would mean splitting the rent and bills. And it would mean that he cannot have any other women over because all my things will be there.

 

Either way, he does see some sort of future with me...right?

 

Thank you MissBee for your input. I just wanted to re-post the above since the thread has increased by a page. I am about to go to sleep (he's in the shower) and my mind is all confused. I honestly don't know what to think about this new situation. I haven't told him anything besides I need a bit of time to decide. I am going to sleep on it. I mean, our relationship got off to a rocky start but a part of me hopes those days are behind us. But you always hear that a person's past is a sure predictor of the future and that good relationships start off GOOD.

 

Does anyone else have opinions about this moving in intention? Maybe also a guy's point of view?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he has pretty much taken over my life thus far but it was also my choosing.

 

 

 

 

He can be sweet in his own way. I mean he constantly makes fun of me is his means of flirting. We cuddle every night and it's like he doesn't want to let me go sometimes. But when he wakes up it's like he shuts it off to focus on the day ahead or something. Verbally he doesn't say many emotional things or adoring words.

 

 

EMERGENCY! Today he asked me to move in with him. It was all kind of sudden and I'm wondering if it's the right choice. We've known each other for a year but have only been official for maybe 5 months. Since then he's lost his job and is trying to start up his own business so I know he is kind of low on funds and not in the best situation in life. I can't help wondering two completely different things:

 

- If this means we're taking the relationship to the next level and he's finally chosen to commit to someone--ME! When he has always been a player in the past.

 

- If he's going to be using me for financial reasons. I mean I'm over at his place every day already, cooking and being domestic, but moving in officially would mean splitting the rent and bills. And it would mean that he cannot have any other women over because all my things will be there.

 

Either way, he does see some sort of future with me...right?

 

No way would I move in with this guy.

 

You don't even know if he's serious about you, you don't have a life outside of him, he's shady with his phone, and he skates around discussions about the future. He is also unemployed. You have never met his family, and he hasn't told you he loves you.

 

Does this really sound like a wise life choice to you?

 

And plenty of people live with their partners for years without ever making a further commitment. (I lived with an ex for 6 years before I finally had enough and realized he was ever going to commit) If you think this is somehow a security measure against infidelity or a sure sign he is serious, you are sorely mistaken.

[minime13]

 

 

EMERGENCY! Today he asked me to move in with him. It was all kind of sudden and I'm wondering if it's the right choice. We've known each other for a year but have only been official for maybe 5 months. Since then he's lost his job and is trying to start up his own business so I know he is kind of low on funds and not in the best situation in life. I can't help wondering two completely different things:

 

- If this means we're taking the relationship to the next level and he's finally chosen to commit to someone--ME! When he has always been a player in the past.

 

- If he's going to be using me for financial reasons. I mean I'm over at his place every day already, cooking and being domestic, but moving in officially would mean splitting the rent and bills. And it would mean that he cannot have any other women over because all my things will be there.

 

Either way, he does see some sort of future with me...right?

 

Why did he tell you he wants you to move in with him? I mean, how did the conversation go, and what all did he say? Certainly he said more than, "hey, wanna move in with me?"

[lana-banana]

So he just suddenly wants you to move in with him? No discussion of your future or goals as a couple? No talk of a longer-term commitment? Just "hey, move in with me"? That is not a sign of commitment.

 

I don't know that this guy is cheating on you but it's ridiculous to think he can't. You think he can't have other women over to your place? He can bring home whoever he wants while you're at work. Other women aren't going to refuse to come over just because your "stuff" is there. He may tell them you're just a roommate, or he may be bringing over women who just want a one-night stand and don't care if he's taken. I'm not saying he'd do this but living together DOES NOT ensure exclusivity or commitment.

 

At first I thought this guy was just impulsive, but then you said you guys spend most of your time working on his business and now you mentioned he lost his job. Honestly, it sounds like he realizes he needs to save money and is using you financially until he can get on his feet. You seem distressingly naive and this guy is very likely taking advantage of that.