Relationship of convenience

[aurorest]

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

This is related to my other thread, but basically I've been "in a relationship" with a man for about a year, but we haven't reached any serious relationship milestones. His friends don't have a high opinion of his history with women. But I feel like he really likes me. We're basically living together because I spend every night at his place after I get off work. He's slept with other women while we were in the early days of the relationship/dating, but I could swear he's not cheating now.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

[Redhead14]

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

This is related to my other thread, but basically I've been "in a relationship" with a man for about a year, but we haven't reached any serious relationship milestones. His friends don't have a high opinion of his history with women. But I feel like he really likes me. We're basically living together because I spend every night at his place after I get off work. He's slept with other women while we were in the early days of the relationship/dating, but I could swear he's not cheating now.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

 

What do you mean you haven't reached any relationship milestones? Have you never had a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys? Have you never had a conversation about exclusivity, etc. If so, you should have brought these things up yourself.

 

Some men will keep a woman around without any discussion and/or intent for having a committed relationship for as long as she will hang on. If they're getting sex regularly without any expectations, you're on a string forever.

[regine_phalange]

You are convenient? In what ways?

You can stop being convenient, to see what will happen. At least that what I would do out of pure curiosity.

[Redhead14]

You are convenient? In what ways?

You can stop being convenient, to see what will happen. At least that what I would do out of pure curiosity.

 

If you want to test it, pull away. See if he comes at you harder and more sincerely.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How about you ask him? It's the only way to know for sure what he's thinking.

[regine_phalange]

If you want to test it, pull away. See if he comes at you harder and more sincerely.

 

Hmm I wouldn't advice exactly pulling away. Just stop doing what's convenient. Stop lending money, emotional support, sex surprises, going to his place, cooking, organising fun activities. Anything that you do for him. Be nice, just give nothing. To see how much he likes you for you.

[aurorest]

What do you mean you haven't reached any relationship milestones? Have you never had a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys? Have you never had a conversation about exclusivity, etc. If so, you should have brought these things up yourself.

 

Some men will keep a woman around without any discussion and/or intent for having a committed relationship for as long as she will hang on. If they're getting sex regularly without any expectations, you're on a string forever.

 

I haven't met any of his family members or talked to them (since they live out of state). Sometimes I wonder if they even know about me. I have met his friends. We usually hang out, party, or smoke together. We have never gone on a trip (even weekend trips) together and out dates are mostly just eating out or watching movies.

 

I did ask him if we were in a relationship and he responded,"You're my girlfriend. I'm not seeing anyone else." And that I was attractive and had a good personality. It's just hard to figure out what's going on in his head sometimes. I asked if he would ever get married and he said, "Yeah sure I would one day."

 

So a guy will be with a gf forever if she's convenient? Why not be free to pursue other women if he doesn't love the current one?

 

For everyone saying pull away, a lot of the times he's the one inviting me over to his place. I live with my parents so him coming to my place would be awkward. He texts me constantly throughout the day. It's just that his reputation doesn't balance out with his current actions. He's always had short term relationships and been quite a player I've heard.

 

So I've wondered if he's only with me because I don't give him trouble and how long this will last...

[lana-banana]

You're omitting pertinent information from your other thread that might help new posters understand your situation. This guy was seeing other women in the first few months you were allegedly together, he's never said he loves you, and he just told you directly all he wanted was "fun and romance". That's not what someone in a serious relationship says. Even his friends warned you he wasn't serious.

 

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

Until it's no longer convenient OR he meets someone he genuinely wants to commit to in a serious way. Relationships of convenience can go on for years. Redhead14's post is right on.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

Because you help him out with his business, you give him sex, you do all the hard work. He may not have the time or interest in a serious relationship at the moment. Why would he give up fun and sex when you make it so easy for him?

 

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

See above. Unless you stop doing all the work, or he needs to move to another city for his job, or Ms. Right waltzes into his life, this could last a very long time. The longest one I know of was nine years---nine years!---until he fell for a cute girl at a wedding and boom, he grew up and got married two years later.

 

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

 

It's not that he doesn't feel anything, he just doesn't feel love or a desire to commit. He likes you, but not enough to think about marrying you or having a future with you.

[aurorest]

You're omitting pertinent information from your other thread that might help new posters understand your situation. This guy was seeing other women in the first few months you were allegedly together, he's never said he loves you, and he just told you directly all he wanted was "fun and romance". That's not what someone in a serious relationship says. Even his friends warned you he wasn't serious.

 

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

Until it's no longer convenient OR he meets someone he genuinely wants to commit to in a serious way. Relationships of convenience can go on for years. Redhead14's post is right on.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

Because you help him out with his business, you give him sex, you do all the hard work. He may not have the time or interest in a serious relationship at the moment. Why would he give up fun and sex when you make it so easy for him?

 

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

See above. Unless you stop doing all the work, or he needs to move to another city for his job, or Ms. Right waltzes into his life, this could last a very long time. The longest one I know of was nine years---nine years!---until he fell for a cute girl at a wedding and boom, he grew up and got married two years later.

 

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

 

It's not that he doesn't feel anything, he just doesn't feel love or a desire to commit. He likes you, but not enough to think about marrying you or having a future with you.

 

Thank you for keeping up with my ongoing dilemma...

 

If we spend all of our time together, I would think he wouldn't even have the opportunity to meet other women. Are relationships of convenience based on the grass is greener issue? Like, he cannot love me because he has an ideal woman he has not met yet?

 

It's hard to wrap my mind around everything and how two people can be basically living together but one will never take the other seriously. Then you hear of the same case but then the couple gets married because they "settled."

 

TBH I'm scared to say that I like him so much that I will hang on until he breaks up with me. There is no sign of that happening...yet(?).

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to just come out and ask him where he sees this relationship going. Don't ask a question he can answer with "yes" or "no." After a year, it's reasonable that you would want to know if you're on the same page. Then you'll know.

 

You're spinning your wheels here trying to tell yourself that he doesn't have time for other women, takes you seriously, and so on. Muster up the courage to have this conversation with him.

[Redhead14]

I haven't met any of his family members or talked to them (since they live out of state). Sometimes I wonder if they even know about me. I have met his friends. We usually hang out, party, or smoke together. We have never gone on a trip (even weekend trips) together and out dates are mostly just eating out or watching movies.

 

I did ask him if we were in a relationship and he responded,"You're my girlfriend. I'm not seeing anyone else." And that I was attractive and had a good personality. It's just hard to figure out what's going on in his head sometimes. I asked if he would ever get married and he said, "Yeah sure I would one day."

 

So a guy will be with a gf forever if she's convenient? Why not be free to pursue other women if he doesn't love the current one?

 

For everyone saying pull away, a lot of the times he's the one inviting me over to his place. I live with my parents so him coming to my place would be awkward. He texts me constantly throughout the day. It's just that his reputation doesn't balance out with his current actions. He's always had short term relationships and been quite a player I've heard.

 

So I've wondered if he's only with me because I don't give him trouble and how long this will last...

 

He's just plain comfortable and content with you. He's found one that does things for him, gives him sex and he can tolerate and he doesn't have to put in much effort. As long as you don't expect anything from him, it's easy for him, difficult for you.

 

Stop being convenient, stop doing things for him and see how he responds.

[Gary S]

I read your other thread. I've read all the conspiracy theories. Let's look at the facts..... you are in his home most days, have your girly stuff all over the place... um, he's so busy with you he does not have time to cheat. And he calls you his girlfriend.... this last one is a huge indicator of interest. Yes, he loves you. Men can fall in love just like women do. Men and women are slightly different, but no, women are not from mars, and men are not from Penis.

 

He needs to stop text flirting with other ladies though. If he continues, practice tough love and start texting guys. Perhaps he will get the message when the shoe is on the other foot. For best results, it has to be their own idea to change.

 

While I don't like the idea that he believes in a book that says people are not monogamous, and that he texts other girls on the phone, talk is cheap, actions scream. All indications are, that while he might have been a player, I'd say you own his heart... for now, at least. Players can convert to law abiding citizens!

 

It's a little too early for marriage, but when you have been together 1.5 - 3 years, if you really want to know where you stand, ask him to marry you. If he wants to keep it, he has to put a ring on it.

 

Edit: does he introduce you to these lady friends he texts? If not, that could be a red flag.... if they are just friends, he would want to introduce to his friends, especially the ladies.

Edited May 13, 2015 by Gary S

[carhill]

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

Depends on the man and his psychology and what other options are available to him. Top tier men can maintain many women in orbital paths and move from girlfriend to girlfriend as convenient or they can be very committed to one. Other men have their own milieus dependent upon their social power and psychology.

 

This is related to my other thread, but basically I've been "in a relationship" with a man for about a year, but we haven't reached any serious relationship milestones. His friends don't have a high opinion of his history with women. But I feel like he really likes me. We're basically living together because I spend every night at his place after I get off work. He's slept with other women while we were in the early days of the relationship/dating, but I could swear he's not cheating now.

 

If this matches up with his relationship history, expect it to continue. See below for a pertinent why.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

He likes how it feels to have you around and men are generally creatures of habit. We work to get a routine established and then sink into the barcalounger of that routine and let the cable TV schedule wash over us. We like consistency.

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

Until someone says no. Maybe forever. It's unknown.

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

 

Hard to know if he feels anything or not but assuming not, he likes the arrangement and he likes that she likes him. Perhaps that sounds a bit cold and pragmatic but men can be like that. IMO, if he wasn't sufficiently charismatic, powerful, attractive or a combination thereof, you'd have been gone a long time ago. He likely knows this.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for keeping up with my ongoing dilemma...

 

If we spend all of our time together, I would think he wouldn't even have the opportunity to meet other women. Are relationships of convenience based on the grass is greener issue? Like, he cannot love me because he has an ideal woman he has not met yet?

 

It's hard to wrap my mind around everything and how two people can be basically living together but one will never take the other seriously. Then you hear of the same case but then the couple gets married because they "settled."

 

TBH I'm scared to say that I like him so much that I will hang on until he breaks up with me. There is no sign of that happening...yet(?).

 

This happens all the time. There needs to be more direct conversation. You are looking for a long-term, committed relationship that leads to marriage. You asked him if he wanted to be married someday and he said "yeah, sure I would", but he didn't say it would be with you. And, he may not know if he wants to marry you yet anyway. But, you need to know that he is at least seriously considering that with you.

 

You are not living together until there are shared responsibilities and common goals. Right now, you're just having sleep overs.

 

You're asking all these questions so something isn't quite right for you. Things aren't adding up and you're feeling insecure. If you are the one doing everything, going to him, etc. You will continue to feel that way.

 

What does he do or say or in what ways does he show you his love? Letting you come to his apartment, is convenient for him, not going out is cheaper and laying around watching movies, is easy too. What happens on weekends? Do you see him during the day on Saturday or Sunday or just go there at night. Not going away, may not be such a big deal, but you should be spending weekends together at least. Sure, he likes you a lot but that doesn't mean he loves you deeply enough to marry you. But, it's enough not to want to break up with you either.

 

I'm scared to say that I like him so much that I will hang on until he breaks up with me -- Yep, that's why you're doing this. You're not happy in the relationship but you don't want to break up. He's happy with the way things are, so he's not breaking up yet either. You're hanging on without a real rope to hold onto. You need to set a time limit for yourself. You want to be married in a few months, a year, whatever. If he doesn't want to work toward that goal at least with you, then you need to move on.

 

Working toward that goal would include meeting each other's families, spending quality time together, talking about goals, and making sure you're on the same page with things that a real relationship involves.

 

If he wants to work toward the goal of marriage, I'd say you should actually live together. Share expenses, talk about finances, talk about child raising and whether you both want children.

 

If talking about this makes him uncomfortable or to back way, so be it. It just means he's not invested enough.

[aurorest]

I read your other thread. I've read all the conspiracy theories. Let's look at the facts..... you are in his home most days, have your girly stuff all over the place... um, he's so busy with you he does not have time to cheat. And he calls you his girlfriend.... this last one is a huge indicator of interest. Yes, he loves you. Men can fall in love just like women do. Men and women are slightly different, but no, women are not from mars, and men are not from Penis.

 

He needs to stop text flirting with other ladies though. If he continues, practice tough love and start texting guys. Perhaps he will get the message when the shoe is on the other foot. For best results, it has to be their own idea to change.

 

While I don't like the idea that he believes in a book that says people are not monogamous, and that he texts other girls on the phone, talk is cheap, actions scream. All indications are, that while he might have been a player, I'd say you own his heart... for now, at least. Players can convert to law abiding citizens!

 

It's a little too early for marriage, but when you have been together 1.5 - 3 years, if you really want to know where you stand, ask him to marry you. If he wants to keep it, he has to put a ring on it.

 

Edit: does he introduce you to these lady friends he texts? If not, that could be a red flag.... if they are just friends, he would want to introduce to his friends, especially the ladies.

 

Wow, this is a completely different opinion than everyone else. He does say that I'm his girlfriend but never introduces me as such. He introduces me by name but I'm always the girl with him anyways so I guess it's assumed I'm his gf. I guess it sometimes feels like we're partying, having a good time, smoking, drinking, having sleepovers, and hanging out but it all sometimes feels like it's not going anywhere. It's fun and all but I still feel like there's something he's not letting me in on. I don't know if it's me being paranoid or a "woman's intuition" or what. And if he slept with multiple women when we first were together isn't that a sign too?

 

No I have never met ANY of his lady friends. And I'm not sure they know each other either. The only reason I know of them is because sometimes he'll lay his phone down to use the restroom and I peek and see flirty texts. I don't know if he's doing it anymore because I got angry at him for it.

 

 

Hard to know if he feels anything or not but assuming not, he likes the arrangement and he likes that she likes him. Perhaps that sounds a bit cold and pragmatic but men can be like that. IMO, if he wasn't sufficiently charismatic, powerful, attractive or a combination thereof, you'd have been gone a long time ago. He likely knows this.

 

Yes he is pretty cocky about how he's a good lover and has no faults. Some people find him overwhelming and untrustworthy because of his confidence but I think for me it was a turn-on.

 

What does he do or say or in what ways does he show you his love? Letting you come to his apartment, is convenient for him, not going out is cheaper and laying around watching movies, is easy too. What happens on weekends? Do you see him during the day on Saturday or Sunday or just go there at night. Not going away, may not be such a big deal, but you should be spending weekends together at least. Sure, he likes you a lot but that doesn't mean he loves you deeply enough to marry you. But, it's enough not to want to break up with you either.

 

 

Well he texts me throughout the day and we have really good banter. Although we never talk about anything too serious so I feel like lots of stuff is going on in his mind that he doesn't let me (or any of his other friends) in on.

 

When I start in on something serious he usually either makes a joke to divert or negate it or the atmosphere gets a little uncomfortable because he still responds but gets a little quiet.

 

We do see each other during the day on weekends. I run errands with him, help with his business, we cuddle, hang out by the pool, smoke, eat. Pretty domestic stuff like that. We never really had a romantic date phase. I realized that since I've gradually accumulated things at his place, he's kinda stopped inviting his friends over for some reason. So we usually go over to his friends' places.

 

It's pretty clear that he has a past history of cheating and being with many women. If he's really changing for me () that's great. But you know how they say players don't change. So that's why I'm a little suspicious and insecure. He is also my first. And I'd never done any kind of drugs before he introduced them to me. All signs point to the fact that I'm the only one but because of his past (i.e., the way he treated almost EVERY woman before me) I'm wondering if it's only a matter of time before something goes down or he gets bored...If he's just biding his time until his business gets off the ground and I'm convenient in the meantime.

[Gary S]

Wow, this is a completely different opinion than everyone else. He does say that I'm his girlfriend but never introduces me as such. He introduces me by name but I'm always the girl with him anyways so I guess it's assumed I'm his gf.

 

 

- That's not a problem... you had a private discussion and he let you know that he thinks of you as his girlfriend, this is what's important. He does not need to yell, "hey girlfriend!" in front of everybody like some kind of little girly-man! It's called masculinity.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess it sometimes feels like we're partying, having a good time, smoking, drinking, having sleepovers, and hanging out but it all sometimes feels like it's not going anywhere. It's fun and all but I still feel like there's something he's not letting me in on. I don't know if it's me being paranoid or a "woman's intuition" or what.

 

 

- this is another reason I'm not too concerned - you are very intuitive. Always listen to your gut... if something is bad enough, I have faith that you will act on it and do the right thing... just like you did when he was text-flirting with other women. Your head and your heart are liers.

 

 

 

And if he slept with multiple women when we first were together isn't that a sign too?

 

- It means he did not find the one to tame him yet! Perhaps now, he has.... sure looks like it to me, superstar!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well he texts me throughout the day and we have really good banter. Although we never talk about anything too serious so I feel like lots of stuff is going on in his mind that he doesn't let me (or any of his other friends) in on.

 

When I start in on something serious he usually either makes a joke to divert or negate it or the atmosphere gets a little uncomfortable because he still responds but gets a little quiet.

 

 

- the true nature of love is childlike and playful, not heavy or serious.

 

he's kinda stopped inviting his friends over for some reason. So we usually go over to his friends' places.

 

- He's changed. He values his alone time with you at home. This is positive.

 

 

It's pretty clear that he has a past history of cheating and being with many women. If he's really changing for me () that's great. But you know how they say players don't change. So that's why I'm a little suspicious and insecure. He is also my first. And I'd never done any kind of drugs before he introduced them to me. All signs point to the fact that I'm the only one but because of his past (i.e., the way he treated almost EVERY woman before me) I'm wondering if it's only a matter of time before something goes down or he gets bored...If he's just biding his time until his business gets off the ground and I'm convenient in the meantime.

 

 

- well, it takes a man a few months to fall in love, which is what I think has happened here. So he was playing the field before he finally fell for you. But from what I gather, for the bulk of the relationship and today, he's been faithful. That's what's important here... not so much what happened in the past, or even the first two months of dating.

 

While I don't like the flirty texting, which he may have stopped since you called him on it.... again, I still maintain I don't see anything abnormal. I just see a confident man who is coming out of a stage of immaturity, playing the field, and settling down with you - the one who owns his heart.

[katiegrl]

- That's not a problem... you had a private discussion and he let you know that he thinks of you as his girlfriend, this is what's important. He does not need to yell, "hey girlfriend!" in front of everybody like some kind of little girly-man! It's called masculinity.

 

 

- this is another reason I'm not too concerned - you are very intuitive. Always listen to your gut... if something is bad enough, I have faith that you will act on it and do the right thing... just like you did when he was text-flirting with other women. Your head and your heart are liers.

 

- It means he did not find the one to tame him yet! Perhaps now, he has.... sure looks like it to me, superstar

 

 

- the true nature of love is childlike and playful, not heavy or serious.

 

- He's changed. He values his alone time with you at home. This is positive.

 

- well, it takes a man a few months to fall in love, which is what I think has happened here. So he was playing the field before he finally fell for you. But from what I gather, for the bulk of the relationship and today, he's been faithful. That's what's important here... not so much what happened in the past, or even the first two months of dating.

 

While I don't like the flirty texting, which he may have stopped since you called him on it.... again, I still maintain I don't see anything abnormal. I just see a confident man who is coming out of a stage of immaturity, playing the field, and settling down with you - the one who owns his heart.

 

Gary, gotta admit, this makes ALOT is sense! :)

 

OP stop over-thinking and just enjoy. Think positive thoughts... and appreciate all the great things about him and how he adds to your life.

 

I would also suggest you stop creating threads like this. People tend to project their experiences (negative) on to others' situations... it's human nature. Which only confuses things.

 

No one knows your relationship but you and your boyfriend, which is the way it's supposed to be.

 

Also, what works for some doesn't work for others. For example, my boyfriend and I have been together 5+ years, living together for almost three. If I were to start a thread wondering why no marriage proposal, no doubt the universal advice would be he's not that into me and to launch.

 

When the fact is, neither one of us has any desire for marriage, we are committed through our hearts.

 

We also have separate bedrooms. If I were to start a thread about that, I would no doubt be advised that something's missing, that it's not normal. Launch.

 

My boyfriend and I (actually none of my boyfriends and I) ever discussed *exclusivity* ...we never had to, we both knew we just were...via our ACTIONS and the way we treat(ed) each other.

 

There IS no *normal* when it comes to relationships. Every couple conducts their relationship in whatever way works for them...

 

So just go love your boyfriend, appreciate the things he *does* give you and how he makes you happy, Stop over-thinking and take it one day at a time. Try to not become too attached to the outcome, and enjoy it for what it is ... and how it enhances your life.

 

Nevermind that YOUR relationship would not work for others. Let them conduct their relationships the way that works for them... and you and your boyfriend conduct yours the way that works for you....

 

Good luck!!!:bunny:

[Gary S]

^^^^^^^ beautifully said, Katie.

 

Okay, I'll marry you, but I wanna have kids :laugh:

[MissBee]

How long will a guy keep a girlfriend around because she's convenient?

 

This is related to my other thread, but basically I've been "in a relationship" with a man for about a year, but we haven't reached any serious relationship milestones. His friends don't have a high opinion of his history with women. But I feel like he really likes me. We're basically living together because I spend every night at his place after I get off work. He's slept with other women while we were in the early days of the relationship/dating, but I could swear he's not cheating now.

 

If he is not thinking seriously about me, why would he have kept me around for so long?

 

If it's a relationship of convenience, how long could it last?

 

How could a man not feel anything for a woman and still agree to see her every day?

 

Your best bet is to have a frank conversation with him.

 

I feel like it's 99% a bad sign when people spend more time asking strangers what they think about their relationship versus asking the person they are spending time and sleeping with what's going on. We can only guess really, we may even be correct, but at the end of the day you are "practically living with this man", so speak up about your concerns and fears and ask what's going on.

 

As for the question: there is no limit. Heck, some people go as far as to marry people and make new humans with them because they are there, it's convenient and they just kind of go along with it. One guy friend of mine lived with two ex girlfriends, one for 5 years, one for 2, he said he was never in love with either of them and had only been in love and wanted to have babies with and marry this one woman who he dated some years before. Otherwise, these two other girlfriends spearheaded the relationship, they liked him a lot, they loved him in fact, they treated him well, he liked having meals prepared, vagina at home (esp since he is naturally monogamous), liked the convenience of it all but he was never in love neither did he want to marry them. So it's very possible for a guy to keep you around for years because it's easy and you're there and you love him and he might like you even but may not be in love or see a future with you.

[MissBee]

Gary, gotta admit, this makes ALOT is sense! :)

 

OP stop over-thinking and just enjoy. Think positive thoughts... and appreciate all the great things about him and how he adds to your life.

 

I would also suggest you stop creating threads like this. People tend to project their experiences (negative) on to others' situations... it's human nature. Which only confuses things.

 

No one knows your relationship but you and your boyfriend, which is the way it's supposed to be.

 

Also, what works for some doesn't work for others. For example, my boyfriend and I have been together 5+ years, living together for almost three. If I were to start a thread wondering why no marriage proposal, no doubt the universal advice would be he's not that into me and to launch.

 

When the fact is, neither one of us has any desire for marriage, we are committed through our hearts.

 

We also have separate bedrooms. If I were to start a thread about that, I would no doubt be advised that something's missing, that it's not normal. Launch.

 

My boyfriend and I (actually none of my boyfriends and I) ever discussed *exclusivity* ...we never had to, we both knew we just were...via our ACTIONS and the way we treat(ed) each other.

 

There IS no *normal* when it comes to relationships. Every couple conducts their relationship in whatever way works for them...

 

So just go love your boyfriend, appreciate the things he *does* give you and how he makes you happy, Stop over-thinking and take it one day at a time. Try to not become too attached to the outcome, and enjoy it for what it is ... and how it enhances your life.

 

Nevermind that YOUR relationship would not work for others. Let them conduct their relationships the way that works for them... and you and your boyfriend conduct yours the way that works for you....

 

Good luck!!!:bunny:

 

 

I have to just say, respectfully of course katie, what you're saying makes sense but it's a rather different situation than what the OP (and so many others who make similar threads) are dealing with.

 

You aren't making these threads because as you stated: you have separate bedrooms because it works for you two and no one is confused. You aren't married because neither of you want it. This already is a very different scenario. Making threads is a self-selecting process and generally people who make them are experiencing usually very reasonable doubts, and those who aren't (like you) are not.

 

People make threads when they don't know what's going on and when they aren't on the same page. So needless to say, you and your bf are on the same page so stuff like this is not an inherent red flag because you two are in concert about what's happening.

 

People like the OP and others though who are confused and making threads it's usually because they aren't on the same page and aren't in agreement about what things mean and 9/10 times the writing is on the wall that they want different things and are too darn scared to ask what's going on because they are afraid of the answer.

 

It's only over-thinking if for example in your current case you and your bf have agreed on all these "unconventional things" and were happy but you started looking at other people's relationship and thinking yours should look like it then all of a sudden start being paranoid. This isn't the OP's case though IMO. It seems like she has been concerned about this for a while, for her own reasons and not because of external people and it seems she and this guy have never had any definitive talks where they've concluded they are on the same page. I think that is vastly different from your situation or situations you're describing where couples are simply doing their own thing happily and with full and mutual agreement about it working for them. Just my two cents!

Edited May 13, 2015 by MissBee

[katiegrl]

I have to just say, respectfully of course katie, what you're saying makes sense but it's a rather different situation than what the OP (and so many others who make similar threads) are dealing with.

 

You aren't making these threads because as you stated: you have separate bedrooms because it works for you two and no one is confused. You aren't married because neither of you want it. This already is a very different scenario. Making threads is a self-selecting process and generally people who make them are experiencing usually very reasonable doubts, and those who aren't (like you) are not.

 

People make threads when they don't know what's going on and when they aren't on the same page. So needless to say, you and your bf are on the same page so stuff like this is not an inherent red flag because you two are in concert about what's happening.

 

People like the OP and others though who are confused and making threads it's usually because they aren't on the same page and aren't in agreement about what things mean and 9/10 times the writing is on the wall that they want different things and are too darn scared to ask what's going on because they are afraid of the answer.

 

It's only over-thinking if for example in your current case you and your bf have agreed on all these "unconventional things" and were happy but you started looking at other people's relationship and thinking yours should look like it then all of a sudden start being paranoid. This isn't the OP's case though IMO. It seems like she has been concerned about this for a while, for her own reasons and not because of external people and it seems she and this guy have never had any definitive talks where they've concluded they are on the same page. I think that is vastly different from your situation or situations you're describing where couples are simply doing their own thing happily and with full and mutual agreement about it working for them. Just my two cents!

 

 

Miss Bee, I understand and agree. However, in the OP's case, she IS happy and believes her boyfriend is happy with her too. She has said as much in this thread and in her previous thread (read her previous thread which she started because of something her boyfriend's friend said to her).

 

 

She defends him explaining that he is good to her, spends all his free time with her, etc etc, etc. She believes he loves her... and IS happy with her.

 

 

She is NOW confused only because of all the negative responses she has been receiving accusing her boyfriend of being a player, using her and every other damn thing which has clouded her own perception.

 

 

That is why I posted what I posted. She should trust her OWN intuition, and stop allowing negative feedback to cloud her own perception. If she is happy, believes her boyfriend is happy, then she should go with that and nevermind what others think. In my humble opinion, of course.

 

 

Again, NO ONE knows her relationship better than she and her boyfriend.

Edited May 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[lana-banana]

Miss Bee, I understand and agree. However, in the OP's case, she IS happy and believes her boyfriend is happy with her too.

 

She is not happy. If she was happy, she wouldn't be posting threads here, and she certainly wouldn't be worried he would break up with her if she caused any trouble.

 

She has said as much in this thread and in her previous thread (read her previous thread which she started because of something her boyfriend's friend said to her).

 

One of her boyfriend's friends told her he didn't believe the relationship was serious. HER OWN BOYFRIEND said it wasn't serious and that all he wanted was "fun and romance". If OP was happy with that response she wouldn't be posting another thread.

 

She defends him explaining that he is good to her, spends all his free time with her, etc etc, etc. She believes he loves her... and IS happy with her.

 

He has never told her he loves her and refuses to say he wants to be with her in the long term.

 

She is NOW confused only because of all the negative responses she has been receiving accusing her boyfriend of being a player, using her and every other damn thing which has clouded her own perception.

 

She came here asking for advice. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm giving my assessment of the situation. HE is the one acting like a player, refusing to talk about the future, and even his friends don't take him seriously. If OP posted about a loving guy who was truly dedicated and serious about her, I wouldn't be calling him a player. But things are what they are.

 

That is why I posted what I posted. She should trust her OWN intuition, and stop allowing negative feedback to cloud her own perception. If she is happy, believes her boyfriend is happy, then she should go with that and nevermind what others think. In my humble opinion, of course.

 

 

Again, NO ONE knows her relationship better than she and her boyfriend.

 

But that's the issue. She clearly doesn't know where her relationship stands because she's still unsure about how he feels (even though he told her directly he didn't want something serious). She is desperate to believe that he's changing for her even when it's very obvious this is a relationship of convenience. If she felt good about her situation she wouldn't be here posting about it.

 

If this were a positive-looking situation I'd have nothing but positive things to say. Instead it's a guy drifting along with a girl who won't let him go. No "I love you" or talk about more serious commitment after a year of dating? Yeah, that's not a serious relationship. If fun and romance were all OP wanted then that would be fine, but she wants more, and I'm not going to delude her into believing she can make this guy fall for her.

[katiegrl]

Hi lana... well guess we will just have to agree to disagree because I interpret her posts differently.

 

 

Also, nothing is "obvious" ... it's all up to interpretation based on what the OP has posted.

 

 

None of us know her boyfriend nor do we know how he feels.

 

 

Things are NOT always so black and white, especially with regard to relationships. He may not have "said" I love you, but she has indicated he spends all his free time with her, among other ACTIONS that indicate how he feels... and just because someone does not SAY it, does not mean they don't FEEL it.

 

 

It took my boyfriend close to two years to SAY it...but I knew he did via his actions. Spent all his time with me, introduced me to friends...etc. It was clear the way we interacted together that he loved me, I NEVER questioned it. We also never discussed our relationship ... as I said never discussed "exclusivity" or where we were "going" or any of that.

 

 

For the first few years is WAS all fun and romance and it was fabulous!! And after five years, it's still fun and romance...and it's still fabulous!

 

 

Now perhaps none of that EVER concerned me because I am, and always have been, a very secure person. I live one day at a time and try not to concern myself with the outcome. I take each day as it comes...learning and growing. I don't over-think... I just "go with the flow" as they say.

 

 

The OP may not be as secure as I.. but that DOES NOT mean that her boyfriend is any less sincere. This is HER issue, not his.

 

 

Again, this is the way I see it. If you see it differently, that's your prerogative and I respect that....

Edited May 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[aurorest]

Wow thanks for everyone's responses and different opinions. In an effort to clear things up:

 

- I DID have a gut feeling and suspicions that he was not being 100% honest with me. That's when I found out about him talking to other girls and when I heard about his (past?) reputation as a player. Because I did some investigating when I had the uneasy feeling.

 

- BUT I like him very much, and if a guy like him would change for me, that would be amazing. It is because of his past tendency for using and manipulating people that makes me wonder sometimes if he's being real with me. I'm at his place every day and almost every night but maybe it IS only because I'm a convenient option for him right now as he gets his feet on the ground with his business.

 

- So after almost a year, I am not sure he loves me. Sometimes I wonder if he just likes the ego boost of having a woman next to him or sleeping with him every night.

 

- I am having fun currently but if we are still partying and smoking and drinking a year from now I'm not sure how I feel about that. There is no indication that this is serious relationship yet no indication that it's just a casual fling either.

 

- I guess it also boils down to a big question. Does a man who is known for being a player ever change and commit to someone, or will it never happen? Or does it happen temporarily until he gets bored and feels like playing the field again?

 

- I also keep on thinking to when he cheated on me with multiple women when we were in the early stages of the relationship. I hear that if a guy really likes you, he would not be focusing on other women. I also hear that guys will sleep around with multiple women at the same time, then pick one out of the bunch for a relationship and drop the others.

Edited May 16, 2015 by aurorest

[katiegrl]

Wow thanks for everyone's responses and different opinions. In an effort to clear things up:

 

- I DID have a gut feeling and suspicions that he was not being 100% honest with me. That's when I found out about him talking to other girls and when I heard about his (past?) reputation as a player. Because I did some investigating when I had the uneasy feeling.

 

- BUT I like him very much, and if a guy like him would change for me, that would be amazing. It is because of his past tendency for using and manipulating people that makes me wonder sometimes if he's being real with me. I'm at his place every day and almost every night but maybe it IS only because I'm a convenient option for him right now as he gets his feet on the ground with his business.

 

- So after almost a year, I am not sure he loves me. Sometimes I wonder if he just likes the ego boost of having a woman next to him or sleeping with him every night.

 

- I am having fun currently but if we are still partying and smoking and drinking a year from now I'm not sure how I feel about that. There is no indication that this is serious relationship yet no indication that it's just a casual fling either.

 

- I guess it also boils down to a big question. Does a man who is known for being a player ever change and commit to someone, or will it never happen? Or does it happen temporarily until he gets bored and feels like playing the field again?

 

Thank you for clarifying ...I now retract everything I said previously.

 

Don't ever EVER think or even hope a man will change "for you." He won't! He is who he is ....and always will be. A man's *character * never changes.

 

Oh he may suppress it for a short time, but don't be fooled.

 

aurorest, follow your gut. I was under the impression your gut was telling you that you can trust him....but if your gut is telling you otherwise, as it apparently is....don't be foolish ...pay attention!

 

I know you like him, but for the love of God, if the guy is chatting up other women, cheating is not far off...if not happening already ... so what's the point of staying with that!!

 

Don't you want a man whom you can trust, who doesn't chat up other chicks, who you don't have to worry about him cheating on you . or whether or not he is using you???

 

What kind of relationship is that?

 

I mean seriously now....think about it.