smookie Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Sorry I think that I came across the wrong way to you, I was not trying to tell you not to or advise you not to, I was trying to say, Be careful, thats all. I always wish people the best of luck and I do with you too, I hope that it works out for everyone that gives things another try, My past experiences with trying again left me crying or someone crying. I hope this works for you, You do seem to care alot for her but you are concerned about the reasons TY BEST OF LUCK , Give it all you have then if anything you know that you did all you could for this smookie
RecordProducer Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I think Lucrezia didn't give you a very good piece of advice here. You should read her post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=469847#post469847 and you will understand what I mean. Your GF told you that you haven't been so sweet since you started dating. She wants the guy she fell in love with, not what you became later. So if you can be HIM again and most of the time, this is what you should offer her.
Author Ty Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 I think I have learned the way I needed to be in the relationship, and I have grown alot, as has she.. I have alot more to offer now. But thats even if it happens with us, which I'm assuming it will.. I don't know why else she is calling my phone every week or 2, but we'll see. Thanks for the advice all.. I'll post if/when something further happens.
Author Ty Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 She wants to be with you as you were and as you are becoming - not who you were when you were dating her. Its a tricky situation and it will be hard not to fall into the old patterns you had with her, but for a second chance to work its crucial that you don't revert back to what it was the first time around. Thats LBs advice Your GF told you that you haven't been so sweet since you started dating. She wants the guy she fell in love with, not what you became later. So if you can be HIM again and most of the time, this is what you should offer her. Thats yours... they look very similar.. what do you mean it wasn't good advice? Also- shes not my GF, and she does like the fact that I look good now and have some balls, the guy I used to be, the guy I am becoming again.. The confident, even to the point of cockiness some times.. Amazing how females find this arrogance attractive.. but I am more happy being like that than feeling all depressed and like ****.
BrotherAaron Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Women expect cockiness... it's self assurance. In a way, we're salesmen when it comes to dating. We've got to sell ourselves to prospective mates. In order to convince somebody else that you're the perfect man for them, you're going to have to be convinced of it yourself. Just don't confuse sexy cockiness for rudeness.
Author Ty Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 I guess what it boils down to is Nice, unassured of themselves, guys finish last...
BrotherAaron Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I think that people mean "doormat" when they say "nice guy" Maybe it should be "Doormats finish last"
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I don't know that its nice guys who finish last. Its basically any "man who defines himself solely through a woman, and draws his primary strength through her" that tends to finish last. This can be a nice guy OR a raging assh*le. The key is where he draws his strength from. If he has so little that it has to come from someone else either in the form of subservience or abuse, then he becomes someone who tends to drain strength from the relationship to fill his neediness rather than providing his own strength as a source of support. Women like men who are strong on their own and don't need them. By need I mean neediness in the way that toddler gets hysterical when you take away his security blanket. "Nice guys" can be needy in that they find they can't function without the relationship. The relationship feeds them, rather than them feeding the relationship. They do everything for the woman, not because they want to but because they are compelled to in some subconscious panic to assure that nothing happens to the relationship. Being nice to a woman is imperative. There is a way to be nice and not be a 'nice guy'. Be nice, not because you'll collapse and die and cease to function if she leaves you - but because you sincerely enjoy being nice to someone. The goal is to choose to be with her, and have enough inner strength so that you don't need to be with her. An emotionally strong man is not a jerk or an assh*le. He's a guy who treats a woman with respect, and is nice to her for no other reason than because he takes a joy in doing so. His motivation for being nice comes from sincerely wanting to be nice to her, and wanting to enhance the relationship and be a source of strength for his partner. An emotionally weak man is the 'nice guy' whose motivation for being nice comes from pure need. Jerks and 'bad boys' can be just as needy as 'nice guys'. They also feed off of the relationship. They can only feel powerful and strong when they are being emotionally or physically abusive to their women. They keep the women around to abuse and treat poorly because they absolutely need her - they need her in order to feel strong, because they are lacking completely of power otherwise. They can only feel powerful when they are making someone else feel weak. These guys are as emotionally weak as the doormat types, if not moreso. EMOTIONAL STRENGTH DOES NOT MEAN 'BEING COLD, MEAN OR ABUSIVE'. It means drawing your source of strength and power from yourself instead of draining it off of someone else. Emotional strength is the opposite of emotional neediness. The more emotional strength, confidence and power a man can draw from himself, without having to draw it from any outside source - the more likely it is that he is going to be able to keep himself in a relationship with a woman. If he can bring strength to a relationship instead of making it his only source of strength, then he is more likely to be successful with women. Women don't want to be needed - they want to be chosen. They want you to be with her not because you have to, but because you want to. As soon as you become an emotional drain instead of an emotional rock, you are history. My Mr. B is a very, very nice guy. One of the nicest guys you'll meet. He is kind, genuine, nurturing to our daughter, good to me, awesome in bed - but, he is not a "nice guy". He is emotionally strong, protective of his boundaries, and brings strength to our relationship instead of being a vampire to it. He refuses to be a doormat, while at the same time being a genuinely nice guy. "Nice guys" do tend to finish last, but that doesn't mean that nice guys have to.
Author Ty Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 The more emotional strength, confidence and power a man can draw from himself, without having to draw it from any outside source - the more likely it is that he is going to be able to keep himself in a relationship with a woman. If he can bring strength to a relationship instead of making it his only source of strength, then he is more likely to be successful with women. Women don't want to be needed - they want to be chosen. And how do I show her this is how I am now? Or have I already shown her that? How do I show her I don't need her, that I am choosing her?
Author Ty Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Oh F@ck it, why do i care anyway? Maybe I just need to meet someone new who blows my doors off and not try to rekindle the past.. the ex screwed me, completely selfish and she is still young.. she doesn't know what the hell she wants. I don't know whether to tell her to "go to hell"..and not in those words, or try to work something out the next time she calls.. Maybe I just miss that person there.. the companionship, the sex, all the intimate things.. I can and will feel that way about someone else, so why even bother trying to work things out that she already screwed up? I don't know if its really worth my time anymore. You know, until she broke up with me or rather starting being distant, about a few weeks before the breakup... I was just sick of her! I even had told friends that I knew she wasn't going to be the one I would end up with. I ignored her, blew her off. Then after it was over I wanted her so bad.. I thought she was the "one" after the breakup. Maybe its I realized what I lost? or maybe its just I'm a spoiled brat, and I've always gotten everything I wanted, and I just wanted something I couldn't have.. my first taste of real rejection so to speak. I mean I have never been dumped or anything, actually it is kind of embarrassing now that I actually did get dumped, especially by her. I really think that its it now.. If I would have truly loved her, I would have never treated her like that. Or then again, maybe I was sick of her because we spent every waking moment together, there needed to be balance, space, time to grow as individuals and deal with our own lives. I am capable of that balance now.. We'll see what happens, I dunno.. maybe I should just stop worrying about everything and go with the flow and let whatever is going to happen, happen... I sit here and think to myself "dude its been like 2 months, get over it, stop thinking about her, don't be such a little bitch, its just some girl, theres a million of them" I always used to get on buddies for being so hung up on girls.. I used to be hard.. I don't mean hard like heartless, but i mean like in control of my emotions.. I'm getting like that again.. good --- end ramble and end this post/thread..
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by Ty Oh F@ck it, why do i care anyway? Maybe I just need to meet someone new who blows my doors off and not try to rekindle the past.. the ex screwed me, completely selfish and she is still young.. she doesn't know what the hell she wants. Now this is the attitude to have - feisty! Add a little humour and politeness and you're there. You don't have to smack her just for the sake of it, but you should know what you want and need.
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