Ty Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Sorry for the double post.. The ex-girlfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago because she needed space, be with friends, college experiance.. blah blah, i've posted about it probably too many times.. Shes wanting to call me like weekly now because she says she "knows I wont call her".. I have been answering her calls and we talk, flirt, and all that for like 30 minutes, the last conversation lasted like 2 hours.. I have made some adjustments in my life since the breakup that I needed to make. Overall it has made me alot happier person. She even said things like "you haven't sounded this great since we started going out", "you seem alot more confident now"... and says "she wants to take things slow with us", whatever that means.."or we will both be up here for the summer" because we will both be up here at school without many friends.... Also, we discussed we could never be just friends because there are just too many feelings there.. Should I just not answer the call next time she calls? Should I answer and cut it short? Should I blow her off? I really do want another chance at us, but I think maybe her talking to me all the time makes her feel like she still has me there waiting for her? Any input is appreciated.. I mean it shows she is still wanting to talk to me, and the chemistry is so good.. How can I speed up the process of her wanting me back.. I really need to know what to do because honestly I am so sick of posting about her. And it seems as if things are going in the right direction..
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Ty She even said things like "you haven't sounded this great since we started going out", "you seem alot more confident now"... Hmmm. A sideways comment: think carefully about these remarks of hers. Sounds like your tendency is to win the initial game, then lose her further on. And do you think it's dating her that makes you less confident? Or her perceptions of you. Just a thought.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 How can I speed up the process of her wanting me back.. By telling her point blank that you want her back, and "friends" isn't going to cut it. Period. If she continues on with the waffling, then just arrange to be too busy to take her calls or spend no more than five minutes on any given phone call. Be friendly, but don't be "friends". Let her know you are available as a boyfriend and will be more than happy to give your time freely as a boyfriend, but you really don't have time for "just friends" since you will be needing that time to get over her and meet other women who will have more than "just friends" to offer.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Since you really do want another chance with her, I don't think you should be her doormat and be used whenever she feels like talking to you. You can set some limits - like she can call you once a week during this time to that time. And once in a while make yourself unavailable for the call. Don't blow her off though - I don't think that will win her back. Or when you answer the phone, be brief and say you are busy so she doesn't have you tied around her finger, thinking she has all the control when to be with you, when not to, when to talk to you, when not to etc. She might even lose respect for you over time, she dumps you then you're still there 24/7 regardless of how she's hurt you. Don't just sound confident, but feel confident and strong.
Firesqueak Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Sort of reminds me of that movie, "40 Days.." I think that's the name. It's that dude who gives up sex for lent? Matt Damon is in it... Anyway, his long time girlfriend dumps him, and that's how the beginning starts. So, he FINALLY gets over her, and just when he starts she comes back into his life because her NEW man dumps her. He tries to throw her out of the house, and she's all like, "Wow, I want to do you because you're finally o.k. with out me, and THAT'S HOT!" Or something. So, beware the games of exes. I still have an ex that calls and says things like, "So, I had this dream we got married." I have to restrain myself from saying, "Wow, I had that same horrid nightmare last night."
Author Ty Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 And do you think it's dating her that makes you less confident? Or her perceptions of you. Just a thought. No it wasn't her.. actually the space she broke up with me over turned out to be exactly what I needed so I could make some changes to myself that I needed to make.. Actually I was getting unhappy with myself, also realized that i was too dependent on her to do everything for me.. bunch of things Or when you answer the phone, be brief and say you are busy so she doesn't have you tied around her finger, thinking she has all the control when to be with you, when not to, when to talk to you, when not to etc. She might even lose respect for you over time, she dumps you then you're still there 24/7 regardless of how she's hurt you. My thoughts exactly, people don't want something they can have at the snap of their fingers.. I was thinking about saying something how I was just headed out the door, and I have been so swamped with finals coming up in a week. And maybe just tell her "we'll talk after this semester".. hows that?
Illusion24 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 You need to be straight up with her as far as getting back together. If you feel, you personally don't want to get back together you don't have to stop all contact. This person has been in your life for a long time...right? Just let her know you've been through some changes and as a man you feel you don't need her anymore. She keeps calling you because she feels she still has a chance. She probably thinks you're still crazy about her and want to be with her. Let her know exactly how you feel. Remember you don't have to tell her all at once. These things take time, especially time to heal. She's realizing that little by little you're getting over her and she's kicking herself in the a$$...Epecially the fact that you sound better and she's not the reason for it...That must bother her like crazy. She never imagined you would take it so well....so do yourself a favor, be you and be happy whether it's with her or alone but the way you sound it's seems you don't need her anymore to make you feel fulfilled and good about yourself. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone who makes you feel even better than you do now. That's the whole point of being with someone. To make each other feel like nothing else matters, to feel as if your lives have just begun and you want to do nothing but cherish every moment together because it makes you feel good. You snooze you lose...Move on have fun, she'll regret leaving you (if that satisfies you in some way ) Do what you feel is right??!!
Author Ty Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 Damn thats good advice.. I do want her back, I think our relationship would be alot stronger now.. but she needs to know I am not right there waiting for her.. I'm definately going to act busy next time she calls and tell her we'll talk after this semester... that way I am setting the time for us to talk, not her..
Author Ty Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Here I am, again.. its been like a week and a half and she hasn't called. I don't know if its because she doesn't want to seem too eager to call or something like that? I wish I could move on and get her out of my head. I went out to the bar last night, talking to some beautiful girls, but I wasn't even interested in them.. When I talked to them all I could think about was her. I even ended a little fling I had going with some girl because I just couldn't get her out of my head. The fact that the ex is not with anyone, and she seems to be telling the truth about all this makes it hard for me to move on. She wants to take it slow and it seems as if something might happen in a few weeks when we are both up here alone. I am happier with myself than I have ever been, and people notice that. My friends, family, everyone, even her, has said how much better I seem, but I'm missing something. I'm doing well in college, been going to the gym 5 times a week, being around friends and going out and having fun. What do I do? It kind of makes me mad that she said she'd call in a week and she hasn't. I feel about half pathetic for even caring and not being able to move on. She seems as if she wants to try something again after a bit, just wants to take things incredibly slow. I don't like this going week, 2 weeks without talking. Granted we have finals next week and now is like the busiest time of the year. Should I just wait and see what happens once all these finals are over? Its like I can spit out advice to everyone else on this site, but when it comes to me I am soo clueless.
Author Ty Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Also forgot to add, she never sent my key back.. I told her 3 times to mail it like a week or two after we broke up. Also she talked to a mutual girlfriend of both of ours last week, the mutual friend said the first thing that came out of her mouth was about me, and she said stuff like "I don't know whats going to happen between us". The mutual friend said that she thought it was fairly obvious that she still loved me...
HotCaliGirl Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 I don't know if you are able to call her or email - but I would wish her good luck on her finals. Nothing heavy like "you never called, you said you would" etc. but if you completely avoid her, that in itself is a game that is a giveaway. Be NATURAL like you're not obsessed and missing her like crazy. Y ou are doing well by making her see that you're ok without her and if you are strong enough to contact her without oozing all over the place, she will find that attractive too. That's great news that she spoke of you to your mutual friend. I think if things go well you might get together again, but when you do, you have to continue being strong and don't let her walk all over you.
ylwfvr Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Ty - I feel your pain. I am in the exact same boat. Girl tells me that she needs her space. Now, no contact for a week. Granted, we had our fair share of nasty fights and I know that our relationship was never for long term, I do miss her alot and hate how it ended so abruptly. Hang in there and continue to hang out with your friends and pre-occupy yourself with social activities. Good to hear you are still working out b/c i hear exercise is a good way to battle depression... Good luck and don't look back. If she wants you bad enough, she will contact you.
BrotherAaron Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 I am happier with myself than I have ever been, and people notice that. My friends, family, everyone, even her, has said how much better I seem, but I'm missing something. I'm doing well in college, been going to the gym 5 times a week, being around friends and going out and having fun. What do I do? What else do we need to know. Some of my closest friends/family have told me "You're soooo much cooler now that you're single, Aaron!" And they're right. I am. I found the confidence I never had when she was with me. I've never had so many people want to be my friend, and so many attractive women all over me. I wouldn't revert back to my whipped self for anything. If she let you go, she's an idiot. Anyway, if you want her back... I'd do what LucreziaBorgia suggested. Next time she calls you, take a "cut-to-the-chase" attitude. Just barely get the conversation started, and then suddenly change whatever subject you're talking about and tell her that it's really difficult to make time for her right now, and, unless she's calling you because she actually wants something to happen (i.e. getting back together), she's just wasting your time, and you've got to go (to do whatever). You can make time for a girlfriend, but it won't necessarily be her. To me, that's perfect. It shows her that you're willing to give it a shot, but you won't be devastated just becuase she doesn't want to.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by Ty Its like I can spit out advice to everyone else on this site, but when it comes to me I am soo clueless. That's why human beings need each other
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron I wouldn't revert back to my whipped self for anything. Go Aaron! If she let you go, she's an idiot. Word. Anyway, if you want her back... I'd do what LucreziaBorgia suggested. Next time she calls you, take a "cut-to-the-chase" attitude. Just barely get the conversation started, and then suddenly change whatever subject you're talking about and tell her that it's really difficult to make time for her right now, and, unless she's calling you because she actually wants something to happen (i.e. getting back together), she's just wasting your time, and you've got to go (to do whatever). You can make time for a girlfriend, but it won't necessarily be her. To me, that's perfect. It shows her that you're willing to give it a shot, but you won't be devastated just becuase she doesn't want to. Hmmm, let me add a variant opinion to your pot. I agree 100% with the principle, but I'd be tempted to communicate it more subtly. And in a "teasing" kind of way. Be friendly and fun for 10 minutes, then you have to go prepare for a date. If she doesn't get the message the first time, she will soon. Girls can read the signs.
Author Ty Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 I'd do what LucreziaBorgia suggested. Next time she calls you, take a "cut-to-the-chase" attitude I'm going to.. just be like "why are you calling" and tell her how I feel. That if we aren't working on trying something again, then she doesn't need to keep calling me. Anyway, last night went to the bar with some buddies for a few drinks. One of my best friends, who I have been coaching through recent girl problems, told me that he hung out with my ex the other day at the library. They were really good friends even before me and him became friends so its not like I can be mad about it. Anyway he said that shes not "bangin' any other dudes" or anything like that. He said that she was happy. Now of course she would act like she was happy around him or not show any feelings about me because she knows it would get back to me. He said he made a joke that I had slept with like 30 girls and he said her eyes just lit up, but then he told her he was just joking. lol I feel like I'm just waiting on her.. I shouldn't have to do that, quite frankly, I'm way to F'n good for that. There is like that hope there that we will try to work something out in the near future, but at the same time I don't know if it would work, I don't know if i could trust her.. I guess I'm just slowly getting over her, just afraid that about the time I'm completely over her, thats when she will want to work something out. Just wish i didn't love the girl so much, the hardest part about it is I know she still feels something for me. or else she wouldn't be out looking for other guys, or she wouldnt call and talk to me for 2 hours. Its like if the situation arises with me and her and I have to make a decision about whether or not I want things with us... my pride is going to take a big hit if i take her back. And then again maybe nothing will happen. You crazy girls ;-) Thoughts? comments?
Author Ty Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 She just called.. talked for like 20 minutes, made sure not to talk about anything heavy.. told her i was busy and had a lot going on with finals next week and i couldn't really think about anything else right now.. told her we'd talk after finals.. she said definately.. And i was all worried over nothing....
Author Ty Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 ok... I saw her today for the first time since we broke up.. I was walking to the library, I even had a feeling something was about to happen as i walked up to the building.. And there she was sitting there by herself outside smoking.. I didn't even recognize her.. Its like I had this image in my head of her, like she was the best girl ever.. but when i saw her it wasn't that same image. I mean she was still beautiful, but just not as beautiful as i had pictured her when i thought about her... Anyway.. As i said earlier she called about 3 days earlier on the phone.. After about 15-20 minutes i told her i was soo busy with school ending, and i couldn't really think about anything right now, and that we'd talk after finals... she kind of paused for a second then said "definately" then i see her today, we talked for like 15 mins.. When i finally realized who it was, i went over to her and said hey, she said hey and just stared at me... i made small talk to kind of ease the situation. I think we were both really nervous. She told me how I looked really great.. which I do look alot better now.. I even caught her like checking me out a few times. lol she was like "you didn't even recognize me!" I was like "yea i know.. weird." I told her everything that was going on, and so did she.. I made sure to keep it light and nothing personal because it was the first time we had seen each other and I wanted to make sure she realized that being around me in person wouldn't be that awkward.. and I also didn't want to scare her off by talking about us the first time we saw each other.. she said she needed to go back inside because her friends were waiting on her, then she talked for like another 2 minutes until i was done smoking (i need to quit), I opened the door for her, she opened the next door for me, and we walked our seperate ways and said bye. I think she is realizing that I am getting over her.. and me not even recognizing her at first had to mess with her.. She sees how good I'm doing, how much fun I'm having, how many new friends I have, and everything with school and my career falling into place. Maybe this will spark something for her to speed things up with us? Next time she calls I'm just going to ask her out to dinner, if she says yes we will go and have a good time and talk about things with us.. if she says no, or something like that, I'm just going to tell her I can't talk on the phone with her anymore because I don't want to be her friend, and I want more than that.. Maybe I realize now that I'm going to be fine with or without her.. I would like another shot with us, but if it doesn't happen, I'll be fine.. Any advice as to what I should do the next time she calls? Go with the plan in the previous paragraph? or just not ask her to dinner right away and just cut to the chase and ask her whats going on with the phone calls? us? If taking this slow is leading to us getting back together? or just her calling to see how I am? I highly doubt she is calling just to "see how I am", I've broken up with people before and I never called, especially like once a week or 2 weeks to just see how they were..
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Don't be over-eager about it. Continue casually, but friendly - be friendly, but not her friend. The stronger you are inside, and the more confidence you have, and the more you realize that you are choosing to be with her and not needing to be with her the more likely it is she will want to date you again. She is beginning to see the 'you' she was initially attracted to: the 'you' that you were out of context with her. The 'you' that wanted her, and didn't 'need' her. The key is to keep gaining ground, not allowing yourself to be used or taken advantage of. Continue to be busy, date other women occasionally - include her in your dating, but don't limit yourself to just her right now. If she sees things going back into the direction that they were, and you begin losing all this positive ground you are gaining you'll find yourself right back where you were - with her 'needing space'. If you are going to take her out, make it be a 'non-date' to start off with. Something like lunch, or coffee, or something like that - and let it be a casual daytime thing. Save dinners, nighttime dates and such for if/when she decides she wants to date you seriously again. Keep the conversation away from relationships, and just enjoy her company the way you did when you were first dating and before you got all hot and heavy. If she tries to talk about it, just remind her that it is all in the past now and if you get back together you want it to be something new and different. You are making the changes now that will help in a second chance, so there's no need to 'discuss the changes'. They are happening in you every day already, or else she wouldn't be talking to you. Its fragile right now, and any move toward the situation that she told you she needed 'space' from will send her running yet again. Think: 'new relationship'. Not: 'getting back together'. She wants to be with you as you were and as you are becoming - not who you were when you were dating her. Its a tricky situation and it will be hard not to fall into the old patterns you had with her, but for a second chance to work its crucial that you don't revert back to what it was the first time around.
Author Ty Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 so should I contact her in about a week out of the blue? or just let her contact me again?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Let her contact you. If she does, then see if she wants to go out. If you happen to run into her again, then that's cool too but let her set the pace. The idea is to get her to come to you, not just get her to the point where she is 'accepting' your attention.
Author Ty Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 and what if she makes up some excuse about not wanting to go do something with me?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 and what if she makes up some excuse about not wanting to go do something with me? Cut whatever conversation you are having short and say, "Hey, I have to run. I have somewhere I need to be really soon. It was great talking to you again. You take care, bye." (say it like you mean it, sincerely - let the last word be a nice one). Then, walk away and don't look back. There's no sense in wasting all the progress on a girl who has to make up excuses because she doesn't want to see you. Get out there and put that confidence to work by dating some new females. If she calls you again, hopefully by the time she does you'll be fairly indifferent.
smookie Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I did the same thing, Now I am back with him and really unhappy. It scared me that he was doing so good without me and sounding so darn good. It scared me that maybe everything I did for this relationship was gone forever, It scared me that he was doing so good because he found that he was happier without me, without thought I came back 4000 miles and now wanting out. At the time all I wanted was to be his special person again. And this is mean on my part, but now that I am back I wish I was not!!!
Author Ty Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Might not be the same for everyone, i just want to give it a try and see..
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