towch Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 As some or all may know, i got dumped and cheated on by my ex . Anyways NC has been initiated you can read about it on my thread. I tried going out and being more social but the party scene isn't for me, never was. I do enjoy it from time to time but it isn't a lifestyle. I still hurt from the breakup and think of my Ex everyday but don't feel the urge to contact her anymore. So anyways there is this co-worker who i feel has had something for me but since i was in a relationship i never gave it a second thought. Well now i am not in one, as of today i thought to thread the water and see if there was a potential but i have fears that i may mess with this co-workers head if there happens to be something between us. Why do i say this? because i feel that if my Ex were to come back begging i don't feel i have the willpower to resist her and she has always tended to have impeccable timing for ruin things almost like a sixth sense. I dont want to hurt my co-worker but i feel i want her and i find myself fighting this urges. One side of me says "stay home and mourn, wait till you recover", another side says "go out, hit on girls and bloody have fun". But what about the feelings of this new girls, do they mean nothing? I fear that i will start something that will leading to someone hurting and unlike my Ex, i can't live with that. I was talking to some other girl last week, i feel she has always liked me, she would invite me for drinks, to her place to see her dog, talk about coming to see my new place but i never followed up on the offer. she later told me she had a boyfriend and i was so relieved, now i had a reason to back away. Please help me with reasons why i should or shouldn't pursue this co-worker.
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 It's not right to risk hurting other people.... just so you can feel better. Deep down, you know this to be true. 2
Satu Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 It's not right to risk hurting other people.... just so you can feel better. Deep down, you know this to be true. ^^^This^^^
Esraem Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I dont know. Do you stay in neutral waiting for someone that most likely not come back? I would say talk to her, take it slow, be honest about your feelings. If she wants to hang out with full knowledge, great. You may find that you completely forget about the Ex.
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Many girls would agree to *take it slow* or *casually date* someone they're really into.... thinking that they'll be able to win the guy over. If you're not emotionally available, and would go back to an ex should she ask for another chance, then you're just NOT ready for any kind of dating. Much better to limit yourself to FWB or one night stands.... or just being single until you're farther along in your healing. 3
Author towch Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) I need to find these FWB's lol a unicorn, at least for me so far i did have an older woman hit on me yesterday at the grocery store offering to pay for my thing but i felt uncomfortable because people were there Edited May 12, 2015 by towch
Chi townD Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Personally, don't be a hermit. Ask the girl for a night out. BUT! BE HONEST WITH HER! Tell her that you are just coming out of a relationship, and you're not looking for anything more than a fun night out with a pretty girl. The only thing you can promise her is a night having fun. I think that you will win points with her because she knows where you stand and I think she'll appreciate your honesty. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 As some or all may know, i got dumped and cheated on by my ex . Anyways NC has been initiated you can read about it on my thread. I tried going out and being more social but the party scene isn't for me, never was. I do enjoy it from time to time but it isn't a lifestyle. I still hurt from the breakup and think of my Ex everyday but don't feel the urge to contact her anymore. So anyways there is this co-worker who i feel has had something for me but since i was in a relationship i never gave it a second thought. Well now i am not in one, as of today i thought to thread the water and see if there was a potential but i have fears that i may mess with this co-workers head if there happens to be something between us. Why do i say this? because i feel that if my Ex were to come back begging i don't feel i have the willpower to resist her and she has always tended to have impeccable timing for ruin things almost like a sixth sense. I dont want to hurt my co-worker but i feel i want her and i find myself fighting this urges. One side of me says "stay home and mourn, wait till you recover", another side says "go out, hit on girls and bloody have fun". But what about the feelings of this new girls, do they mean nothing? I fear that i will start something that will leading to someone hurting and unlike my Ex, i can't live with that. I was talking to some other girl last week, i feel she has always liked me, she would invite me for drinks, to her place to see her dog, talk about coming to see my new place but i never followed up on the offer. she later told me she had a boyfriend and i was so relieved, now i had a reason to back away. Please help me with reasons why i should or shouldn't pursue this co-worker. There is nothing wrong with casually dating while recovering from a break up as long as you are upfront about only wanting a casual dating scenario and the other person is on the same page. There are tons of women in the same boat you are rowing. Go out, find girls that aren't dating for a relationship. Keep your emotions in check though. In other words, keep in mind that you shouldn't get too invested in any of these women and keep things light and have good communication with them. Just to make sure you remain on the same casual dating page if you're seeing them for a while. If you pursue the co-worker, make sure she doesn't want to date for a relationship. And, if a woman gets invested and you've been upfront about your intentions and she gets hurt, that's her problem. Lots of women will ignore what a man tells her, i.e. he only wants casual, but she wants to date for a relationship and she will think she can change that or he will change for her. Yes, that could happen, but you just have to take it one day at a time. 3
Author towch Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) It is really hard because holding back while i heal just give me more time think about Ex. A Gods given solution to my problem would be a definite NO from my Ex, that way i would know for sure and keep it moving bur she cant even give me that. Then i think of it and see how pathetic i am for even wanting her back. It like my brain wants to explore. Maybe i give it some more time to get my bearings. Hopefully the coworker doesn't find someone if she doesn't already, who knows. Is it worth compromising your principles for love? this past relationship really broke some of my structure for love. I would never in a million years think i would consider taking some back after cheating and even worse chasing/waiting on the cheater. I think about it and i feel like it is because i didn't or refused to do the things she wanted like giving her a promise ring, taking her on dates, posting about her on social media (some of these thing i didn't do because i feel they were silly some because i couldn't afford to at the time financially). Maybe regret is holding me back, but i have to keep reminding myself that it is not my fault that she decided to go that route. I know i can't hurt anyone else on my journey so if i decide to move on with some else to must include cutting off the Ex as well....no buts Edited May 12, 2015 by towch
Satu Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 You are free to follow your own best judgement, but some time alone can be very productive. You know what's best for you. Follow your instincts. 2
Author towch Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 You are free to follow your own best judgement, but some time alone can be very productive. You know what's best for you. Follow your instincts. Goals: 1. Dont hurt anyone along the way by your own doing 2. Have some self respect 3. Heal 4. Have fun P.S someone is playing games with my office phone , calling and not saying anything twice today. Ex called yesterday and i ignored her.
Redhead14 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 It is really hard because holding back while i heal just give me more time think about Ex. A Gods given solution to my problem would be a definite NO from my Ex, that way i would know for sure and keep it moving bur she cant even give me that. Then i think of it and see how pathetic i am for even wanting her back. It like my brain wants to explore. Maybe i give it some more time to get my bearings. Hopefully the coworker doesn't find someone if she doesn't already, who knows. Is it worth compromising your principles for love? this past relationship really broke some of my structure for love. I would never in a million years think i would consider taking some back after cheating and even worse chasing/waiting on the cheater. I think about it and i feel like it is because i didn't or refused to do the things she wanted like giving her a promise ring, taking her on dates, posting about her on social media (some of these thing i didn't do because i feel they were silly some because i couldn't afford to at the time financially). Maybe regret is holding me back, but i have to keep reminding myself that it is not my fault that she decided to go that route. I know i can't hurt anyone else on my journey so if i decide to move on with some else to must include cutting off the Ex as well....no buts Don't wait for a definite No from your Ex. You make it a definite No for yourself. It takes two, she expressed some needs and wants, you didn't or wouldn't accommodate them. She should have broken up with you instead of cheating at that point. The "blame" is shared. I think about it and i feel like it is because i didn't or refused to do the things she wanted like giving her a promise ring, taking her on dates, posting about her on social media (some of these thing i didn't do because i feel they were silly some because i couldn't afford to at the time financially) Are you sure you were invested in her enough anyway? A man who was really invested in the relationship would at least try to accommodate the woman's needs or desires as best he could. If she wanted you to post on social media, what harm would be done by accommodating it even if you thought it was silly. If you couldn't spend money, that is something that costs nothing but at least showed her or gave her something she said she wanted. I'm only point that out because if you get into a new dating scenario and are financially strapped, you'll need to pay attention to the smaller things a woman says she wants or needs in the relationship. For now, date casually, be on the same page and move forward with your life. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Personally, don't be a hermit. Ask the girl for a night out. BUT! BE HONEST WITH HER! Tell her that you are just coming out of a relationship, and you're not looking for anything more than a fun night out with a pretty girl. The only thing you can promise her is a night having fun. I think that you will win points with her because she knows where you stand and I think she'll appreciate your honesty. This is what people tell themselves.... and then they end up inadvertently getting attached, forming rebound relationships, and really hurting the people they rebound with! There's NOTHING wrong with waiting until you're truly healed and ready to move on before you begin to date again. "Casual dating" isn't something everyone -- particularly younger, more inexperienced girls -- really understand or take seriously. 1
Author towch Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) Don't wait for a definite No from your Ex. You make it a definite No for yourself. It takes two, she expressed some needs and wants, you didn't or wouldn't accommodate them. She should have broken up with you instead of cheating at that point. The "blame" is shared. I think about it and i feel like it is because i didn't or refused to do the things she wanted like giving her a promise ring, taking her on dates, posting about her on social media (some of these thing i didn't do because i feel they were silly some because i couldn't afford to at the time financially) Are you sure you were invested in her enough anyway? A man who was really invested in the relationship would at least try to accommodate the woman's needs or desires as best he could. If she wanted you to post on social media, what harm would be done by accommodating it even if you thought it was silly. If you couldn't spend money, that is something that costs nothing but at least showed her or gave her something she said she wanted. I'm only point that out because if you get into a new dating scenario and are financially strapped, you'll need to pay attention to the smaller things a woman says she wants or needs in the relationship. For now, date casually, be on the same page and move forward with your life. Maybe not what she wanted but i did. I introduced her to my friends, family. Took her to hangout with them. when i say silly thing i mean stuff like: 1. she tells me stuff to say about her on facebook, sends me word to word on it. 2. calls me to like and comment on her photo or post which i go but on my times. 3. i gave her a pandora bracelet for girl birthday she then proceeded to rewrap it and asked me to resent it to her on my knees this was 2 days after i gave i to her. Stuff like this. Its not so much doing it but the reason she wanted me to do it and i felt i would be unenabling her insecurities and princess mentality. Maybe i could have saved the relationship but on the other hand i would probably be enabling her and i would never end But its all spilled milk now i guess, time to move on Edited May 12, 2015 by towch
Chi townD Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 This is what people tell themselves.... and then they end up inadvertently getting attached, forming rebound relationships, and really hurting the people they rebound with! There's NOTHING wrong with waiting until you're truly healed and ready to move on before you begin to date again. "Casual dating" isn't something everyone -- particularly younger, more inexperienced girls -- really understand or take seriously. We're talking about a night out! Not entering a whole new relationship! Are you saying it's impossible to go out to dinner and a movie or dinner and some dancing and it be nothing more than that?
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 We're talking about a night out! Not entering a whole new relationship! Are you saying it's impossible to go out to dinner and a movie or dinner and some dancing and it be nothing more than that? I'm saying that if a girl is going to go on a date with someone she likes, and bother getting all dressed up, she's naturally looking for something more than just one single isolated incident. Maybe guys have an easier time with "just one date"..... I don't think women usually see it the same way. If you want to have an non-emotional sexual experience, go for FWB. If you're looking for emotional connection... you enter the realm of dating and relationships and it's not fair -- particularly if you're dating younger, less experienced women -- to offer them just a date or two with no possibility of it leading anywhere romantically. This is just based on my own experience and that of my girlfriends. Usually there was hope that a date with someone you're interested in will lead to something more than just a movie and then never hearing from the guy again. 1
Chi townD Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm saying that if a girl is going to go on a date with someone she likes, and bother getting all dressed up, she's naturally looking for something more than just one single isolated incident. Maybe guys have an easier time with "just one date"..... I don't think women usually see it the same way. If you want to have an non-emotional sexual experience, go for FWB. If you're looking for emotional connection... you enter the realm of dating and relationships and it's not fair -- particularly if you're dating younger, less experienced women -- to offer them just a date or two with no possibility of it leading anywhere romantically. This is just based on my own experience and that of my girlfriends. Usually there was hope that a date with someone you're interested in will lead to something more than just a movie and then never hearing from the guy again. That's why I told him in my original post to be upfront and HONEST with her. Lay it out.. Just a night out to have some fun and nothing more than that. It would be up for the girl to decide if she wants to go out or not. Ball is totally in her court and no pressure. If that's an arraignment that she doesn't feel comfortable with, then she is under no obligation to take him up on his offer. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 That's why I told him in my original post to be upfront and HONEST with her. Lay it out.. Just a night out to have some fun and nothing more than that. It would be up for the girl to decide if she wants to go out or not. Ball is totally in her court and no pressure. If that's an arraignment that she doesn't feel comfortable with, then she is under no obligation to take him up on his offer. Yes, and my point was that younger, less experienced girls don't always understand or believe it when a guy says they're not looking for anything meaningful. Girls tend to believe they can change a guy, even if he tells her from the start he's not looking for anything serious. Girls are more likely to see a date as a BEGINNING of something.... whereas guys are more likely to see it as just a night out, no strings attached. My bigger concern would be the recent dumpee who INTENDS just to have a few "casual dates" but then finds he enjoys a girls' company and wants to continue "casually dating" her.... until she catches real feelings and then gets hurt when he ends the rebound. That happens quite often and there are many posters who are here because this happened to them... they got pulled into rebounds or unwittingly started a rebound by dating too soon after a breakup.
Author towch Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, and my point was that younger, less experienced girls don't always understand or believe it when a guy says they're not looking for anything meaningful. Girls tend to believe they can change a guy, even if he tells her from the start he's not looking for anything serious. Girls are more likely to see a date as a BEGINNING of something.... whereas guys are more likely to see it as just a night out, no strings attached. My bigger concern would be the recent dumpee who INTENDS just to have a few "casual dates" but then finds he enjoys a girls' company and wants to continue "casually dating" her.... until she catches real feelings and then gets hurt when he ends the rebound. That happens quite often and there are many posters who are here because this happened to them... they got pulled into rebounds or unwittingly started a rebound by dating too soon after a breakup. Lol yeah i don't want to be the cause of those titles "He left me for his Ex". I will cool my horses and take my time.
Chi townD Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm saying that if a girl is going to go on a date with someone she likes, and bother getting all dressed up, she's naturally looking for something more than just one single isolated incident. Maybe guys have an easier time with "just one date"..... I don't think women usually see it the same way. If you want to have an non-emotional sexual experience, go for FWB. If you're looking for emotional connection... you enter the realm of dating and relationships and it's not fair -- particularly if you're dating younger, less experienced women -- to offer them just a date or two with no possibility of it leading anywhere romantically. This is just based on my own experience and that of my girlfriends. Usually there was hope that a date with someone you're interested in will lead to something more than just a movie and then never hearing from the guy again. Then I guess we'll agree to disagree.
GoBlue Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I dont want to hurt my co-worker but i feel i want her and i find myself fighting this urges. What do you mean, "you want her?" Are you speaking about sex? If that's the case better be aware that co-worker relationships of this nature rarely - and I mean RARELY - turn out well. Secondly, you don't date or engage anyone "you don't want to hurt" if you aren't over your ex yet. People are not objects and it isn't nice or respectful to lead someone along in that manner. I mean try this on for size, "Hey sweetheart. I am interested in you and I want you. Are you interested in me? By the way, if my ex comes calling I will go back to her." ummmmmmmm - how does that sound?
joseb Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, and my point was that younger, less experienced girls don't always understand or believe it when a guy says they're not looking for anything meaningful. Girls tend to believe they can change a guy, even if he tells her from the start he's not looking for anything serious. Girls are more likely to see a date as a BEGINNING of something.... whereas guys are more likely to see it as just a night out, no strings attached. My bigger concern would be the recent dumpee who INTENDS just to have a few "casual dates" but then finds he enjoys a girls' company and wants to continue "casually dating" her.... until she catches real feelings and then gets hurt when he ends the rebound. That happens quite often and there are many posters who are here because this happened to them... they got pulled into rebounds or unwittingly started a rebound by dating too soon after a breakup. Yip - I did exactly this. My ex had cheated on me, and I met a girl shortly afterwards. I told her upfront the situation, and how I wasnt ready to date and just wanted some fun. I felt this way, it wasnt a lie. Of course we both let emotions run and "fell" for each other. And I endeded up hurting her (and myself). And I don;t think my case is at all unusual. People need to be less afraid of being alone for a time. Every breakup needs some time to grieve, and offers us a chance to learn something if we put in the effort. I'd also suggest not dating co-workers in general, too much potential for awkward work time if things go south.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I see the points of both sides of the Ruby/ChiTown D discussion. On one hand, women who don't listen to the words that are being said and try to turn it into something else are adults and need to deal with the consequences of their actions and it's not your job necessarily to save them (point ChiTown). On the other hand, if you know in advance that there's a good possibility that a woman is going to try to up the ante despite what you say and you decide to do it anyway, then you're going to have to deal with the fallout of making your decision and you probably shouldn't have opened up that Pandora's Box in the first place (point Ruby). I think being comfortable in your own skin is preferable in general. If you can't be comfortable with yourself, you sure as hell aren't going to have healthy relationships with others. And also agree 100 percent with joseb that dating co-workers is an awful idea. It's best to not sh*t where you eat.
aloneinaz Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I think most women and men KNOW when they are ready to date casually again. Most wouldn't fathom it when they are train wrecks after a break up. Everyones time frames are different. Some recover after a month while others take a few months before they are ready to dip their toes in the dating pool again. I'm not a proponent of staying home for months, having a daily pity party for yourself.. That's simply crazy in my mind.. It's also important to point out that MOST everyone that is single is still recovering from their last failed relationship. Let's be adults here and recognize that some are further down the healing tunnel than others when they start to date again. Everyone should go into any date with eyes wide open as it's rare that you will have a date that's not still thinking about their last significant other. To the OP, I started dating a month after my ex ended our terrible 1.4 year relationship. 4 months later, I met my now GF who I've been with for closing on two years now. Was I completely OVER my last GF when I met her? Hell no. Was she over her last BF? Hell no. Do I still think about my EX GF, yes but more in line like I think about other past GF's..
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