Gogoboomboom Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I need some advice please! Here's the low down. I've been seeing this man for a little over a month now. We met online and texted about a month before we met. We don't talk much via text, except sarcastic banter back and forth occasionally. I really enjoy it this way as well. Our dates have been great. He consistently comes to see me true to his word and we have great chemistry. I'm wildly attracted to him, even though he's a little strange. Here's my dilemma; our last date lasted from Friday to Saturday evening. Friday night was great, but Saturday I had a little to much to drink (oy vey, I know and I'm not proud of it). I overshared majorly and in the worst way possible. I have lead a pretty rough life. I'm a decent person now, but I wasn't so great in my younger days. I told him about my first boyfriend who almost killed me, about fights that I had been in, my jail experiences, my crazy ex husband who stalks me and just recently violated a trespassing order and broke in my house. It's like I'm trying to scare him away! I felt comfortable with him enough to share though and eventually he needed to know because those are some major life experiences, still though...I'm so worried that I'm never going to see him again because all he probably sees now is my gigantic luggage I carry around. We have plans for this upcoming weekend, but he hasn't texted much. As I said though, we don't text much so it's not really out of character for him. He told me he would be at my house bright and early Saturday morning, I'm still just expecting the worst though. I don't really know what to do. I really like him and I never like anybody. What should I do? Any words of encouragement?
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 look at it this way.....if he shows up bright and early, this guy is in it for the long haul, if he flakes on you, then he isn't the one for you. Remember this "baggage" is a part of you, and what has made you today....if a man can't accept that then you can't accept them. never ever think that your past is a burden. What counts is that you rose above it and became a better person for it...if he can't value that, then he has no value to you.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Ouch! Well to be honest I think all you can do at this stage is wait until you see him abain, and apologise for drinking too much and getting too heavy, maybe say you don't usually tell people this stuff early on (unless you do) but you lost your inhibitions because you feel comfortable with him and drank too much. But I would expect this to be a lost cause tbh, 99% of healthy people would run a mile from someone who has all of these things going on so intensely that they're close enough to the surface to tell an almost total stranger. It's better to drop these things into conversation slowly and when appropriate, usually once you are close enough that you trust him but not so close that he would consider you to have withheld it from him purposefully until he's invested. Also, I would add, be a good idea to maybe do some analysis into why this happened, why you were so quick to tell some random guy all of this intensely heavy stuff about your life, to stop it happening again. Most people who've come to terms with major difficult life events find it easy to keep them to one side until they're ready to talk about it, whereas people who haven't dealt with it all yet tend to over share at any opportunity. I actually learned something I didn't like about myself through a similar situation, on a second date a guy asked about my family and instead of skimming over it gracefully ('well my mum's no longer around and I don't see my brother much but my dad and I are close these days') I went into way too much depth ('well my mum drank herself to death a couple years ago, I am estranged from one brother, my sis is on Heroin and in jail for arson and my dad and I stopped talking for five years when he left us but we are fine now!') I mean what was I thinking! We never saw one another again but became mates who'd meet up at gigs if we needed someone to go with and we spoke once about why we'd never gone on another date and he said basically that partly it was him not over his ex, but partly I really scared him off with my crazy intense family tales and it was too much for a second date. I am a very open person but I did some introspection and realised that I think I told him that stuff to try increase his opinion of me, subconsciously almost, kinda he will think I'm really strong and therefore more appealing if he knows how rough my history was. It's embarrassing to admit that. For other people it may be they wanted to appear glamorous and dramatic, or maybe they wanted to make sure the other person wasn't gonna run off once they found out anyway. But I realised then that in future on dates I wouldn't go into detail until we were dating much longer, and that's been what I've done since. So, deep down, why do you think you splurged it all? There's a reason behind the alcohol. If you can work that one out you'll be less likely to kill a fledgling relationship by doing it again. I would be amazed if this guy doesn't bolt though.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 look at it this way.....if he shows up bright and early, this guy is in it for the long haul, if he flakes on you, then he isn't the one for you. Remember this "baggage" is a part of you, and what has made you today....if a man can't accept that then you can't accept them. never ever think that your past is a burden. What counts is that you rose above it and became a better person for it...if he can't value that, then he has no value to you. The ex very recently broke a restraining order, broke into her house and trashed the car. It isn't a negative thing if this guy doesn't want any part of that, it's healthy. It's one thing to judge someone for things that happened to them years ago but it's perfectly healthy for him to sack off the OP because he doesn't wanna get caught up in the drama or end up fighting the crazy ex! 1
Kellens Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I went through an extremely similar situation recently, I know exactly how you feel. You wake up the next morning like "omg, I ruined everything"! I am also too much of an open person and when I drink too much everything comes pouring out way too easily. I drank too much on a 4th date that me and the guy were very much anticipating. I said something that made him upset early on in the date and I felt weird after, it felt too serious so I ended up drinking a few too many margaritas and boooom, I was drunk. We went back to my place and I told him wayyy too much about myself, he definitely did not need to know all of that. I even acted a little too promiscuous but thank god he's a good enough guy to not take advantage of that. The next morning I woke up cringing and so mad at myself and I second guessed everything over the next couple of days. I even asked him if he was feeling a little different and he said no but I felt it. I broke things off with him because I couldn't deal with all the insecure feelings but after a couple of days of not talking, he contacted me. He was upset about how I ended things and said I wasn't fair to him and he really wanted to see me again and see where things go. It seems he likes crazy, indecisive drunks but I guess we'll just see what happens . I think every guy is different. You might have scared him off or maybe he see something in you that is worth taking the chance, like me and my guy. Just try not to over think everything, I know its hard!, and go with the flow. If he shows up and you guys hang out again, great, if not just learn from your mistake and make sure not to get drunk again in front of someone who doesn't know the real you yet. Dating is definitely a learning experience about yourself, at least it has been for me so far. Good luck!
Recommended Posts