imtrying211 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Yesterday made 1 month since my BF left me, left me for his drunken, abusive ex. I have to say I'm doing a lot better than I was in the beginning, can actually make it an entire day without crying now, but I am no where near healed. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I want to get off!! One minute I'm angry, saying F him, I hope he ends up miserable, and the next minute I'm devastated and want him back. We were together for a little over a year, and I feel like the entire relationship was a lie. He used me so he wouldn't be alone after leaving his ex. Everything was great between us up until the day he left, which leads me to believe his plan all along was to go back to her. No one wakes up one day and just decides they don't love you anymore. How can someone be so cold and heartless to up and leave without a second thought? After all of the lies, betrayal, heartache, why do I still want him back? Why am I keeping the hope alive that his relationship WILL fail, and he WILL come back to me? Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being alone as well. He was my first serious relationship (I'm 33 y/o), and my first excruciating heartbreak. I still love him, but wish I could hate him, and I probably should after the things he said and did. I've been keeping no contact, which is so hard because we work in the same building. When we see each other we don't even make eye contact, I have to believe it's cause he feels like crap for what he did. And he should!! I'm hoping by the time his relationship fails and he tries to come back (if that actually happens), that I will be at the place where I can tell him to go F himself. Right now I'm not there, I'm still vulnerable, still missing him. I'm hurt and I'm angry, but still stupidly in love.
aloneinaz Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 So.. with what you stated, what are YOU doing to move on? He did, back to his ex GF which sadly, happens all the time. You stated you're in a better place now that a month of NC has transpired. Maybe you should start considering dating again if you're able. Everything you're feeling is absolutely normal. It's odd that we can look back on someone that was terrible to us and actually miss them, right? I've bought that ground as well. Keep your chin up, stay NC and dip your toe back into the dating pool when you're ready. Don't spend months alone feeling sorry for yourself and thinking about your ex. He's your past. Worry about your future.
RoseBud12 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I feel for you. I can relate to a lot of your post. My ex seemingly dumped me out of the blue for no reason. And she seemed so chill and emotionless about it all. I don't understand how a person can be with me for a year and a half and then just dip out. And she hasn't even tried to be in touch since then. It hurt me so bad. But everyone is different I suppose. She could've met someone else, or maybe the emotions for her died a while ago and she was just going through the motions the last couple months. All I know is that I'm not going to let myself take it personally. I know for a fact that I'm a great lover and a desirable partner. And sure I wasn't perfect, but nobody is. All I can think is that she actually did me a favor. Because why would I want to be with someone who could do that to me anyways? I don't. I don't deserve that. So I'm just trying to learn from it. I still have ups and downs, so I relate to you on that. Some days I wish she would come back to me, other days I cuss her out in my head for ripping my heart out. but mostly I feel nothing for her. I deserve way more than that. And maybe the universe was letting her go for me so I could find someone who actually deserves me. I am at 11 days since break up, and 9 days no contact. But I appreciate you posting your experiences because it reminds me that the roller coaster of emotions will probably last a while. 2
Author imtrying211 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for dating, since my feelings are still mixed up with this person. I am however open to the idea of finding love again, real love. It's been a hard process for me to move on, I don't really have any friends to talk to about things, and the couple I do have, I'm sure are sick of hearing about this mess. I've been writing my thoughts in a journal, which has helped a lot, and kept me from contacting my ex many, many times. I'm trying to move towards forgiveness, if that's even possible. It's just my nature to forgive people and not hold grudges. More importantly, I'm also working on forgiving myself, for putting myself in a situation to be hurt, which I have done before. I don't feel there's anything I can do to fix the relationship, all I can do is fix myself by overcoming my own insecurities. Like I said, it's all a struggle, but I'm hanging on.
aloneinaz Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for dating, since my feelings are still mixed up with this person. I am however open to the idea of finding love again, real love. It's been a hard process for me to move on, I don't really have any friends to talk to about things, and the couple I do have, I'm sure are sick of hearing about this mess. I've been writing my thoughts in a journal, which has helped a lot, and kept me from contacting my ex many, many times. I'm trying to move towards forgiveness, if that's even possible. It's just my nature to forgive people and not hold grudges. More importantly, I'm also working on forgiving myself, for putting myself in a situation to be hurt, which I have done before. I don't feel there's anything I can do to fix the relationship, all I can do is fix myself by overcoming my own insecurities. Like I said, it's all a struggle, but I'm hanging on. Good for you for pushing through each day. You will find that as each week/month passes, you'll feel better. The key is to TRY and not take it personal as his decision might have had nothing to do with you. He simply never got over his ex and the opportunity presented itself to get her back. My GF's last BF did the same to her. She was with him for 1.5 years. He went back to his crazy ex GF and married her a week or two later. It really messed her up. Now, she's been w/me for 20 months and is GREATFUL that she's not with him. Continue on your path to healing. It does take time. Don't expect yourself to be fully "over it" until your into your next relationship. Even then, you'll still think about this guy which is normal.
dangerbang Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You shouldn't want to hate him, or anyone. There is compassion inside you, inside nearly everyone really. One day hopefully you'll wish him well but you need to love yourself first. I read this in a book earlier, something you should repeat to yourself - "May I be free from suffering May I be as happy and healthy as it is possible for me to be May I have ease of being" And when you're ready for it, you can wish the same for him too.
Author imtrying211 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 You're right, I shouldn't want to hate him. I just want to stop loving him, or actually stop being in love with him. Sometimes I feel like hatred would be the quickest way to get there. Before I was able to go full NC I did send him an email where I told him I hope that he finds what he needs, what he wants, what he deserves, which is absolute happiness. I meant it and I still do. It kills me that he went back to his ex, partially because she was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, and no one deserves that. I know that's not my problem, but I still care for him, and want him to be with someone that treats him right, even if that isn't me. I just need to stop worrying so much about him, and be more concerned with myself and my own happiness. I'm getting there....slowly.
aloneinaz Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 You're right, I shouldn't want to hate him. I just want to stop loving him, or actually stop being in love with him. Sometimes I feel like hatred would be the quickest way to get there. Before I was able to go full NC I did send him an email where I told him I hope that he finds what he needs, what he wants, what he deserves, which is absolute happiness. I meant it and I still do. It kills me that he went back to his ex, partially because she was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, and no one deserves that. I know that's not my problem, but I still care for him, and want him to be with someone that treats him right, even if that isn't me. I just need to stop worrying so much about him, and be more concerned with myself and my own happiness. I'm getting there....slowly. I don't think you should hate him either. I'm sure his intention was not to "use you" while he and his ex where apart. If he didn't like you he wouldn't of been with you that long. What transpired w/you happens all the time. Guys/gals get out of a toxic relationship and start dating someone else. The bad part is that they are still somewhat "addicted" to the toxic person they were with before. They then get into a loving, normal, drama free relationship and miss the drama of the ex. The miss the high of the good times of the toxic relationship. I was with a woman (who probably had Borderline Personality Disorder) for a very rocky 1.4 years. It included several break ups. Rationally looking at it, it was a very toxic relationship. However, when it was good, OMG was it good.. It was like a drug and the sex, un-believable..! She dumped me the final time. I met someone else a couple months later. 6 months post break up, she came back after me again w/a vengence, begging for another chance. It was SSOO hard to NOT go back to her even though I had a loving GF who I really loved and the relationship was drama free. My point is; I can see how people do succumb to going back to toxic relationships. They are chasing the initial "high" they felt during the first few months when the relationship was good. It's similar to what coke heads do in chasing the first high of the night. Practice forgiveness. It's good karma. I'm sure that relationship that he went back to will flame out again. They always do. In the meantime, work on yourself to where you're happy again. You'll find someone else to love and be happy with. 1
Author imtrying211 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Aloneinaz, I had the biggest ah-ha moment from reading you post!! I'm sure people have tried to tell me the same before, and maybe I'm just finally at the point I can look at things rationally, or maybe it's the way you said it, but THANK YOU!! Everything makes so much more sense to me now. I believe he truly did love me, it was real, and he didn't use me. I didn't do anything wrong, and couldn't have fixed things without becoming a completely different person. He just got bored with the "normal" relationship that we had, and missed the thrill of the dysfunctional one with her. Even some of the reasons he gave for leaving make more sense now, like him saying the fact that we never fought was an issue, that things were too perfect. At the time I told him he was being ridiculous, but now see what it all meant. I'm almost thankful that he left when he did, instead of sticking around, lying to me, lying to himself, and possibly even cheating (which I KNOW he didn't). I can't quite say I forgive him yet because I am still hurt by what happened and some things that he said, but I believe I can forgive in time. I feel like I've had a huge breakthrough, and almost feel happy. I don't know if this is just one of the "highs" I go through, but it feels right.
dangerbang Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Aloneinaz, I had the biggest ah-ha moment from reading you post!! I'm sure people have tried to tell me the same before, and maybe I'm just finally at the point I can look at things rationally, or maybe it's the way you said it, but THANK YOU!! Everything makes so much more sense to me now. I believe he truly did love me, it was real, and he didn't use me. I didn't do anything wrong, and couldn't have fixed things without becoming a completely different person. He just got bored with the "normal" relationship that we had, and missed the thrill of the dysfunctional one with her. Even some of the reasons he gave for leaving make more sense now, like him saying the fact that we never fought was an issue, that things were too perfect. At the time I told him he was being ridiculous, but now see what it all meant. I'm almost thankful that he left when he did, instead of sticking around, lying to me, lying to himself, and possibly even cheating (which I KNOW he didn't). I can't quite say I forgive him yet because I am still hurt by what happened and some things that he said, but I believe I can forgive in time. I feel like I've had a huge breakthrough, and almost feel happy. I don't know if this is just one of the "highs" I go through, but it feels right. Don't get carried away, these highs usually come crashing down in a split second 2
brokengirl85 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Yes it is one of the highs but as someone wrote it, the more the highs the more closest to healing you are. Keep the hard work 1
Moley87 Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Good example of why NC here is best for you, I can say with time you will come to forgive him for his actions. I think you just have to wish him all the best and know it wasn't anything you did wrong. However you need to accept that it's now over and you need to rebuild your schedule and look to move on for you Men hey
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