ashy555 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I am 25 now and have been single my whole life. I consider myself fairly attractive and I am a very easygoing/loyal/happy type of person. I seem to be girl that has flings.. but I'm never the priority girl. Men never want relationships with me. Men like me at first and then look for somebody 'better'. My most recent one i spoke to for months, finally met up and he kept asking me out. As soon as i tried to set the date he flaked and never rescheduled but still messaged me. Was the first guy i liked in a long time and was total opposite of my previous men... yet again he seems to still be looking for someone better. Still updating his dating profile pictures etc. What a waste of time he was. They seem to ALWAYS be looking for someone better. With tinder and OLD it seems people have that easy opportunity to find someone else etc while they throw me down the back. I kind of wish I was born in the 50's when dating 'seemed' less difficult. My mum always told me stories about all the men that wanted to date her and her 3 sisters. They had to approach my pa before they were allowed to go anywhere. She even had two men propose to her before she was 24 while her sisters were all married at 19 and still together. I am the only one left in my family including cousins that is still single. Even my 23yo cousin is getting married. My sister is about to pop out her first child and even my brother who is extremely quiet got married. I feel I am under a great amount of pressure from my parents especially who just want me to find someone and be happy like my siblings. Even though I am happy. I am an EXTREMELY happy person.. Finding someone else would just be the cherry on top. It feels like single is looked down upon these days. My mum says I am too picky.. Well I'll be darn picky if its someone I will be spending the rest of my life with. I've only really rejected 2 men last year who i just couldn't seem to fall for but my mum doesn't seem to want to let it go. My main goals in life though.. IS to fall in love.. settle down and have kids. Just like everyone else in my family. I cannot wait as its a feeling I have never experienced. I guess i seem to just be unlucky so far. I know I am only 25 but I fear being 45 one day and it being too late for kids.. It just seems I am always the option. I know I am not the only one. But in this day and age it seems so easy for people to keep looking for the next best thing. While I am a person who struggles to date more than one person at a time. Is there anyone else who is struggling with something similar? Or who eventually found love? Im starting to feel like I dont have much hope or there is something wrong with me. Haha
La.Primavera Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I suggest you try and meet men another way, such as joining a club or volunteering. It can be a great way to meet a guy with similar interests. At the very least you will get to have fun and do something you enjoy. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I am 25 now and have been single my whole life. I consider myself fairly attractive and I am a very easygoing/loyal/happy type of person. I seem to be girl that has flings.. but I'm never the priority girl. Men never want relationships with me. Men like me at first and then look for somebody 'better'. My most recent one i spoke to for months, finally met up and he kept asking me out. As soon as i tried to set the date he flaked and never rescheduled but still messaged me. Was the first guy i liked in a long time and was total opposite of my previous men... yet again he seems to still be looking for someone better. Still updating his dating profile pictures etc. What a waste of time he was. They seem to ALWAYS be looking for someone better. With tinder and OLD it seems people have that easy opportunity to find someone else etc while they throw me down the back. I kind of wish I was born in the 50's when dating 'seemed' less difficult. My mum always told me stories about all the men that wanted to date her and her 3 sisters. They had to approach my pa before they were allowed to go anywhere. She even had two men propose to her before she was 24 while her sisters were all married at 19 and still together. I am the only one left in my family including cousins that is still single. Even my 23yo cousin is getting married. My sister is about to pop out her first child and even my brother who is extremely quiet got married. I feel I am under a great amount of pressure from my parents especially who just want me to find someone and be happy like my siblings. Even though I am happy. I am an EXTREMELY happy person.. Finding someone else would just be the cherry on top. It feels like single is looked down upon these days. My mum says I am too picky.. Well I'll be darn picky if its someone I will be spending the rest of my life with. I've only really rejected 2 men last year who i just couldn't seem to fall for but my mum doesn't seem to want to let it go. My main goals in life though.. IS to fall in love.. settle down and have kids. Just like everyone else in my family. I cannot wait as its a feeling I have never experienced. I guess i seem to just be unlucky so far. I know I am only 25 but I fear being 45 one day and it being too late for kids.. It just seems I am always the option. I know I am not the only one. But in this day and age it seems so easy for people to keep looking for the next best thing. While I am a person who struggles to date more than one person at a time. Is there anyone else who is struggling with something similar? Or who eventually found love? Im starting to feel like I dont have much hope or there is something wrong with me. HahaMuch of what you said is true. Dating culture is now instantaneous. It takes more time for me to renew my library books than to make a so-called connection online. People do believe there's always something better waiting around the corner. Look at careers today. Most people hop around, constantly on the lookout for advancement. They seem invested at the time, but it certainly makes one question the idea of loyalty. While you have a good grasp of how things are in dating culture, there's a couple of things I think might need amending. You can still apply the standard for excellence that your parent's parents applied. Don't sleep with men you meet until many months into the relationship(or until it has been demonstrated to you that this person really cares for you). If a guy is genuinely interested in you and respects you, he will wait. Making your top priority in life falling in love is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Falling in love or limerence does not last. It ebbs and flows. So be aware that whomever you meet, the fireworks are going to fade. Things are going to get tested. Love is a choice. With maturity, you and your partner must decide if you will keep fighting to be together. The good news is that, over time, the fight will deepen the relationship in an incredible way. Focus on becoming a well-rounded person. Develop your interests, deepen your compassion, deepen your empathy, strive to overcome fears, study patience, study forgiveness, let go of attachments, consider how to make the people's lives around you easier. If you can build self-sufficiency and fortitude within yourself, you will become a very attractive person to other people. People will gravitate to you. I'm not saying that this is your reward. The reward is that when pain and adversity hits, and it will hit, you will not buckle, you will grow and grow for the better. 5
Diezel Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 My main goals in life though.. IS to fall in love.. settle down and have kids. Just like everyone else in my family. If you said this was "A" goal, then fine... but it being your main goal(s), then you are just putting pressure on yourself more than your family is right now. Why not just focus on living your own life, put some blinders on, and forget what everyone else is doing or thinking? Problem being, you don't want to look back at 45 and ALSO think about how much time you might have wasted trying to work on that MAIN goal when there was so many things you didn't do and get out of life. Personally, I had much more success romantically when I stopped focusing on it and just started DOING.
katiegrl Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Much of what you said is true. Dating culture is now instantaneous. It takes more time for me to renew my library books than to make a so-called connection online. People do believe there's always something better waiting around the corner. Look at careers today. Most people hop around, constantly on the lookout for advancement. They seem invested at the time, but it certainly makes one question the idea of loyalty. While you have a good grasp of how things are in dating culture, there's a couple of things I think might need amending. You can still apply the standard for excellence that your parent's parents applied. Don't sleep with men you meet until many months into the relationship(or until it has been demonstrated to you that this person really cares for you). If a guy is genuinely interested in you and respects you, he will wait. Making your top priority in life falling in love is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Falling in love or limerence does not last. It ebbs and flows. So be aware that whomever you meet, the fireworks are going to fade. Things are going to get tested. Love is a choice. With maturity, you and your partner must decide if you will keep fighting to be together. The good news is that, over time, the fight will deepen the relationship in an incredible way. Focus on becoming a well-rounded person. Develop your interests, deepen your compassion, deepen your empathy, strive to overcome fears, study patience, study forgiveness, let go of attachments, consider how to make the people's lives around you easier. If you can build self-sufficiency and fortitude within yourself, you will become a very attractive person to other people. People will gravitate to you. I'm not saying that this is your reward. The reward is that when pain and adversity hits, and it will hit, you will not buckle, you will grow and grow for the better. ^^^Awesome post!!
h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I feel you girl. I have the same problem: Guys choose me as a fling and that makes me wonder if I am not good enough. Maybe that is what you mean by "they are looking for someone better". I agree falling in love is not the only goal but what if it is something I need to feel 100% happy? What if I can't survive a life of being alone forever?
regine_phalange Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Don't worry so much about the "fling" instead of "relationship". Even when people want a relationship, they may still be attached to the past, or looking for something better in the meanwhile. Keep your eyes open and shoo the ones who don't seem to be that into you. No second thoughts! I do feel your concern about ending up alone forever though. I have it too! But everything a person wants is accompanied with concern and fear that we'll never have it. It's natural I guess. If it makes you feel better, I saw this the other day.
Hawaii51 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) >main goal in life is to fall in love< Love isn't a thing you become or obtain, it's a way of life. It's something you live in and cultivate with-in your self first and share with the world on the daily basis. On the momentary basis. It's a self care and balancing of the heart, mind, and body, and once you walk around in love, there isn't a man or woman who isn't going to not want to be in your presence. People feel better around people who live in love. You'll be on another level; again, good women will want to be around you. Caught me half way through my J and joe. Edited May 12, 2015 by Hawaii51
loveweary11 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Being in the same category now as you are (all flings), I try to remember a bit of wisdom from Buddhism: The want is what causes the suffering. If you can remove or greatly diminish the want, happiness is not far behind, which ironically, will probably land you a serious guy sooner. 1
katiegrl Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Being in the same category now as you are (all flings), I try to remember a bit of wisdom from Buddhism: The want is what causes the suffering. If you can remove or greatly diminish the want, happiness is not far behind, which ironically, will probably land you a serious guy sooner. ^^This ... and not being too attached to the outcome. Google "the law of detachment." It has helped, and continues to help, me tremendously.
Gary S Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Well, you are still pretty young. It is a search for the needle in the haystack though. If you want to have kids, I'd say prime time for you to find a man would be from about 27 - 35ish, so you have plenty of time. Don't get down on yourself...... when you do find the one, you'll probably have 50 years together, so what's the rush? 1
h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 One thing I learned about OLD is that it tended to make women more picky. It might be hard to find yourself attracted to regular guys when better looking guys are hitting on you online....even if those better looking guys want nothing from you other than sex . And why would the good looking ones want nothing from you but sex? Because we aren't good enough for anything else?
empresario Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Man here that has dabbled in OLD a few times. When I do get interested females, it's always the genuine ones that appreciate my heart-felt approach. Believe it or not, OLD is not easy for guys. The ratio is horrendous. It's a numbers game. Maybe for an exceptionally good looking few that are selecting women with seedier personalities it's easy... The thing is, eventually you have to stop pointing at other people and start pointing back at yourself. Don't get me wrong, a lot of guys, especially online, are dicks. Attractive ones. Ugly ones. Old ones. Young ones. Nerdy ones. Cool ones. There are lots and lots of guys in the world that would like to use you and move on. I know far too many of them. If you want to do OLD, there are a few indicators that you should look for right away: 1. Do they mention your body, your face, sex, copy-pasta, or generally say 'hey whats up' in the first message? Genuine people will read your whole profile, try to connect via your interests, and will write more than one broken-English sentence in the first contact letter. 2. Are they a recurring character? Do you see them online every time you are on? Genuine people gain interest from someone they like and stop messaging other women or getting on the site. 3. Do they show douche-bag characteristics? If the guy's profile picture is a filtered selfie without a shirt...you know what to expect. 4. Are they overly vague in their profile? Do they like 'stuff'? From stories I've heard, vague people are usually cheating. I don't know, I'm just ranting now. I do wish you a lot of luck. There are some good guys out there! Even attractive ones!
h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 It has nothing to do with you not being good enough. Think about it. When you meet a guy that is a decent guy, but you have a shot with much better looking guys, will you be all that interested in the average looking guy? Or will he be one of those that you friendzone? If you meet a really good looking guy online, he has other options too. The difference is, many guys don't friendzone women, we FWB them. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that girl, just like there might not be anything wrong with that average guy you turn down. We just think we can do better. And when it comes to OLD especially, women make it so easy to get casual sex. My experience with OLD was that many (not all) women would ignore a regular guy who was legitimately interested in them in order to have a shot at a better looking guy. But all your explanation sounds like it is because I am not good enough. "Not good looking enough" and "they think they can do better". Sure, there is nothing with me, but being "nothing wrong" or being "average", is simply not good enough to win. You say women friendzone a guy because he is not good looking enough. So men FWBzone a woman because she is not good looking enough.
PogoStick Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Girl problem, guy problem, I see a solution. There are a couple of guys here who are looking.
Author ashy555 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Well actually I haven't slept with anyone in like 16 -17 months and have only slept with 5 people in my life.. I can't sleep with someone I am not that into. This most recent guy didn't even get a kiss from me. We got home from our first coffee date and he messaged straight away. Asked me out again two days later. I tried to organise date for the Sunday and he said he didn't sleep much night beforehand but will let me know. In the end he was too tired. I left it. He asked me out again and I tried to organise date for next night and he said he would Prob be sleeping. I took that as a big slap in the face and have since cut him loose as he is obviously not that interested anymore. I Have a lot of men actually show interest in me. I've gone as far as deleting my fb because of constant sleazu maging. Guys I went to school with. Guys with girlfriends. Most of them are just after a quick attempt to get in my pants. (I did go out with one but he proved to be a sleaze) I have since gone and deleted a lot of friends. I'm also a pretty confidant girl. I have had my moments though. I will take a lot of your advice on board. I've never been desperately trying to meet someone. In fact I have had copious amounts of time off dating just to find myself which I believe I have finally established only in the past year or so. Hopefully it will find me but I'll try not to focus on it and worry about it. I'm Probably only thinkin about it as I just had another fail.
h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 OP why would you think they are looking for someone "better"?
Author ashy555 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 OP why would you think they are looking for someone "better"? I guess I mean someone better suited. So in a sense it feels like they think they are waiting for someone better to come along. I don't seem to come across as a great 'catch' Although I think I am quite a catch :D
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