h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I used to be able to have healthy relationships. Even though they didn't last forever, that was only because we were young and people grow and change. However in my recent 3-4 years of dating, I never managed to start anything serious, for a longer period of time. 90% of time the men just treated me like a FWB. So I start to be very insecure about my looks, since I am afraid I am not good enough for them to want to commit to me. Although I don't really put people in pedestal, I am afraid I fall for guys "out of my league". So I work pretty hard to "up" my league, and I take care of my face and body, wear appropriate make up and work out regularly but the fact that the men (even the ones that are not really successful, or good looking) still kept leaving me is seriously messing up my self esteem. All my friends say "aww, you just haven't met the one!" but that doesn't solve any problems.. On the outside I look confident and fun but inside I am not truly happy. Hmm, anyone can relate? Or have any good advice?? 1
La.Primavera Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 By that I mean expect to be treated the way you deserve and don't tolerate any less. Don't put yourself in a position where a guy can use you as a FWB. Wait longer to have sex and see if he is really interested in you as a person and wants to be in a relationship. When you get excited about getting to know someone new it is easy to mistake attention and lust for genuine interest. Yet, what would it matter if you were the most stunning woman in the world if a guy only wanted you sexually? If you take it slow and get to know each other his intentions will become apparent rather quickly. I'm only suggesting this because it sounds like you might be stuck in a cycle of using sex to feel validated in order to boost your self-esteem when in reality it is destroying it. You may think some of these guys are out of your league when in reality they might not be. I think taking control of the situation will make you feel more confident about yourself and help you rule out the guys that aren't worth your time. All the best. 2
Author h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) By that I mean expect to be treated the way you deserve and don't tolerate any less. Don't put yourself in a position where a guy can use you as a FWB. Wait longer to have sex and see if he is really interested in you as a person and wants to be in a relationship. When you get excited about getting to know someone new it is easy to mistake attention and lust for genuine interest. Yet, what would it matter if you were the most stunning woman in the world if a guy only wanted you sexually? If you take it slow and get to know each other his intentions will become apparent rather quickly. I'm only suggesting this because it sounds like you might be stuck in a cycle of using sex to feel validated in order to boost your self-esteem when in reality it is destroying it. You may think some of these guys are out of your league when in reality they might not be. I think taking control of the situation will make you feel more confident about yourself and help you rule out the guys that aren't worth your time. All the best. Thanks for your words. I don't think I am using sex to value myself, and it doesn't. Actually I am not seeking validation at all. I just would really like to be in a fulfilling relationship with the guys I like...If I have that, I don't care how others think of me. But, when I really like someone, many times he would only want sex from me.I would stop from there but I start wondering why. I have a good job, good background and people say Im a nice girl so what else can I pick on? Looks. I tend to think if a guy thinks you are so good, he will feel lucky to have you and treasure you. If he thinks you are not up to par, he will use you for sex. I just don't now how I'm suppose to think otherwise..can't shake it off Edited May 12, 2015 by h0000
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 You have to ask yourself what do you actually bring to a man's party. Most men can get sex, most men can get a good looking woman, so what is special about YOU that will make sure he wants YOU and no-one else? Find out who you are and what you want, do you have hobbies and interests? Do you have good conversational skills? Do you like doing varied things? Are you an interesting person? Do not be just another one who all she has going for her is that she spreads her legs. That is just asking to be used. Be your own woman and he will respect you for that. If he doesn't, then he is no loss. 1
Author h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 What if I think I have all that? I work in finance, I do various sports , enjoy music and I paint and sketch, I am bilingual , and I think am funny? I don't think the guys I dated were much more interesting than me . Somehow those guys don't really care about those? Well none of them commented anything on theae anyway..I observe those girls who have bfs , I really don't think they are much special.. I just want a good company and we can do things together. I don't know if that's what guys want in a relationship
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 What if I think I have all that? I work in finance, I do various sports , enjoy music and I paint and sketch, I am bilingual , and I think am funny? I don't think the guys I dated were much more interesting than me . Somehow those guys don't really care about those? Well none of them commented anything on theae anyway..I observe those girls who have bfs , I really don't think they are much special.. I just want a good company and we can do things together. I don't know if that's what guys want in a relationship Perhaps you are just not choosing compatible men. Maybe change your selection criteria. Were those men also in the finance sector?
Author h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Perhaps you are just not choosing compatible men. Maybe change your selection criteria. Were those men also in the finance sector? No I actually only dated one guy who works in the bank and that's the closest. I like adventurous guys and I did not care much what they do for a living. I once fell for a guy who repairs A/C! He was full of life and I also found him to be very cute so I liked him a lot. But he never was interested in anything serious. For a while I thought must be because I wasn't pretty enough for him.. because, seriously you can't say a finance manager is not good enough for an A/C repairer...right...hahah
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 No I actually only dated one guy who works in the bank and that's the closest. I like adventurous guys and I did not care much what they do for a living. I once fell for a guy who repairs A/C! He was full of life and I also found him to be very cute so I liked him a lot. But he never was interested in anything serious. For a while I thought must be because I wasn't pretty enough for him.. because, seriously you can't say a finance manager is not good enough for an A/C repairer...right...hahah Nothing to do with prettiness. You said yourself "But he never was interested in anything serious", if you wanted serious, then that was the cue to get out of there fast. It would have saved you the heart ache. 1
Author h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Only if i knew better..well I did get out as fast as I can.. but I was still sad for a week But my sadness now comes more from my insecurities rather than a specific guy. And my insecurities come from...well you already know.. And also..to this date I still can't work out why he didn't want me
hotpotato Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I used to be able to have healthy relationships. Even though they didn't last forever, that was only because we were young and people grow and change. However in my recent 3-4 years of dating, I never managed to start anything serious, for a longer period of time. 90% of time the men just treated me like a FWB. So I start to be very insecure about my looks, since I am afraid I am not good enough for them to want to commit to me. Although I don't really put people in pedestal, I am afraid I fall for guys "out of my league". So I work pretty hard to "up" my league, and I take care of my face and body, wear appropriate make up and work out regularly but the fact that the men (even the ones that are not really successful, or good looking) still kept leaving me is seriously messing up my self esteem. All my friends say "aww, you just haven't met the one!" but that doesn't solve any problems.. On the outside I look confident and fun but inside I am not truly happy. Hmm, anyone can relate? Or have any good advice?? IME it has nothing to do with shooting too high. I've met plenty of unattractive men who treated me like a fwb. *shrug* Maybe some positive thinking is in order. I know that's hard to do when you're down.
Author h0000 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 IME it has nothing to do with shooting too high. I've met plenty of unattractive men who treated me like a fwb. *shrug* And do you just shrug it off without thinking twice about it? Like, without even wondering why they would do this?
Author h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 A woman's look can get her foot in the door with men, but looks won't generally keep a guy around. There has to be something about your personality that makes guys decide to be with you long term. Being FWB or alike is not "getting my foot in the door" is it? I feel they didn't stay long enough to really know me. It is as if they made up their mind about me at the first sight: they decided to just have a fling with me. What can they possibly see at the first sight aside from looks
Author h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Or perhaps you did not show them anything in the time they knew you that made them decide to learn more. I look for certain things in women, and if I feel she does not have those things, I'm not going to stick around so I can learn her favorite song. Possible. And doesn't seem like I have control over it. I mean I don't know what they specifically want and don't know how I make them feel. I can tell a lot about someone by their look. Wearing UGG boots on a warm day? That girl is trying to hard to fit in. Stuffing her feet into those sweaty boots on a warm day is disgusting. Showing a lot of skin, especially in a place where it is not appropriate, like the workplace? She likes the attention she gets from men. I usually avoid those types. I can go on forever. Some are obvious, like wearing a T-shirt with the name of your favorite band. I look at all these things when I consider talking to a woman. I don't know what you can tell from looking at me. All I can say is I definitely dress appropriately. So not slutty that makes a guy want me as FWB. Maybe it would help if I show you a pic? Edited May 13, 2015 by h0000
preraph Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Just about any guy out there will gladly treat you as an FWB if you'll let him and plenty of dumb women are letting them. Listen, ladies, you don't have to commit to a noncommittal relationship to get sex. And if you have any illusions you'll get love that way, you're kidding yourself. I'm a freespirited child of the swinging 70s, but I can easily see OLD and social media driving women who want a serious relationship to having to withhold sex to get it. It's the only real way to know if someone is lying about being serious unless you have really acute radar. 1
Author h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Not to say I let them use me as FWB, but withholding sex does not get me relationships. I don't believe a guy can fall for you because you make him wait for sex. And I don't believe a guy will change his mind about dating you because you don't make him wait for sex. He would want a relationship with you for certain reasons and "how fast we had sex" is not one of them, IMO. My problem isn't exactly " I can't tell if they are serious or not" or " How to weed out those who aren't serious". It is crystal clear they aren't serious. My problem is why none of them want to be serious Edited May 13, 2015 by h0000
Cupid's Puppet Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 There just aren't many good men. You are not the problem. The men are.
Author h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I sent you a PM. It could be something as simple as the men around you see that you are the fling girl, and decide not to try for anything more with you. If I see a girl I think is interesting wasting her time with various flings with different guys, I will assume she has low self esteem, and I will lose interest in her completely. Witholding sex won't necessarily make men more willing to commit to you, but it will at least give you time to get to know the guy better before you let him jump your bones. You decide what people think of you. Right now, you allow yourself to be a hook up girl, so that's what men will see you as. When you change your outlook on this, men will start looking at you a little differently. Self respect is huge. Why would they see me and just think I look like a fling girl?
hotpotato Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 And do you just shrug it off without thinking twice about it? Like, without even wondering why they would do this? Well, I figure it's testosterone. I try not to get upset about stuff I can't control. I used to wonder why, but as time goes by, I care less and less. Being FWB or alike is not "getting my foot in the door" is it? I feel they didn't stay long enough to really know me. It is as if they made up their mind about me at the first sight: they decided to just have a fling with me. What can they possibly see at the first sight aside from looks No advice, but I can relate. Pretty much right off the bat guys are trying to bed me or do the old "come over to my house and hangout" aka have sex thing. It is what it is. There was a girl on another site I used to go to. She called one guy out. She said that if they had sex it would make it harder to get to know each other. Guy still wanted to have sex asap. lol The only way I can get around this is by picking guys from other states. My last crush was in another state. If he had been near me, there would never have been any getting to know you phase. it would have been, "So um, you wanna come to my place?"
Author h0000 Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Well, I figure it's testosterone. I try not to get upset about stuff I can't control. I used to wonder why, but as time goes by, I care less and less. No advice, but I can relate. Pretty much right off the bat guys are trying to bed me or do the old "come over to my house and hangout" aka have sex thing. It is what it is. There was a girl on another site I used to go to. She called one guy out. She said that if they had sex it would make it harder to get to know each other. Guy still wanted to have sex asap. lol The only way I can get around this is by picking guys from other states. My last crush was in another state. If he had been near me, there would never have been any getting to know you phase. it would have been, "So um, you wanna come to my place?" I actually think if I meet guys in daily life, they wouldn't have the guts to ask me to come to his bed..but if I meet guy online..yeah they say "DTF" as if it was "Hello how are you":lmao: But seems like everyone is using OLD now..I am having a hard time getting guys to ask me out in real life
hotpotato Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I actually think if I meet guys in daily life, they wouldn't have the guts to ask me to come to his bed..but if I meet guy online..yeah they say "DTF" as if it was "Hello how are you":lmao: But seems like everyone is using OLD now..I am having a hard time getting guys to ask me out in real life Guys aren't gonna be like, "Hey you wanna..." They usually don't ask outright, instead they ask for movies and cuddle somewhere private. Well, if you're using old, the moment he asks to have sex, just up and leave. If he's trying to have sex with you, just up and leave. If you feel like he's trying to turn you into a fwb, then just leave. I wish I could give you more advice, but you can't control how other people behave. The best I can tell you is meet a lot of guys on old or wherever to increase your odds of finding a guy who doesn't want to be fwb. No one has to use OLD exclusively. Maybe try singles events?
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