ToOldForThis Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Not sure if anyone can relate to this. I am having a great conflict in my head and feelings about my life’s positive changes. In the process of finally beginning to let go and move on, I have made several important improvements in my life. The biggest being, I have removed a great deal of workload off my plate, which has reduced my stress greatly. I am self-employed and own several companies. This was a huge source of disappointment in my ex. I worked 10-12 hours a day, then often would come home and work more, many times on weekends too. The ex was basically a 9-5er (but did travel for work) and wanted me to be with her to all the time. I always had work to do. I loved spending time with her but could not figure out how to wind down some of my projects, stop taking on more and re-think my lifestyle. Now, I have. Along with many other self-improvements to myself. I am home by 5 most days and have not worked on a weekend for 2 months. My stress is almost no existent. All I want to do is call her and tell her of my great changes and how we could finally have a nice relaxing life together. I will never go back to all that work or stress. These past few months have forced me to reflect on what’s important to me and how badly stress affects all aspects of my life. It was unfair to her the way I could not participate in our life together and the by-products stress brings. She is seeing someone new who has a very simple life, a 9-5er also. She mentioned during the last and only time we spoke how easy and sweet he is. Great. I AM TOO NOW! (I have always been sweet just not easy) Ever time something positive happens in my life that makes me a better person and partner, I just want to be back with her and share this new person I have become. Is this part of the letting go process, the bargaining phase? More Denial? All my improvements were done out of self-preservation not for her. I guess I just miss our life together.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 It's a natural phase, well... ONE of the natural phases. Like you suspect, this is more of a bargaining tactic. Like "look! I fixed the main issue of the relationship so it will work now!" But you're broken up. It's too late to make those changes, in your ex's eyes they should have been made while in the relationship and when they were starting to cause trouble. Second phase you will go through will be a show off phase. Where you'll look at all the changes you've made and make a judgment like you're so much better than them. You'll want to make them see what they threw away. It won't have an effect on them either way and it's mostly in your head. Stick to NC and keep moving on.
Author ToOldForThis Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 All true, I know. It just sucks when you do all this self reflecting and take responsibility for your part in the demise of a relationship, and finally make long over due changes. But you are so correct, to the ex it doesn't matter and will never matter. Especially when they have moved on and don't care. Part of the letting go process. Just when I think I am doing fine, these crazy thoughts come back to me and I feel like it's day one again. She is truly in a rebound right now and I guess that's why I won't totally let go. Also, even thought she was the final dumper, I hurt her a great deal by not marrying her after 3.5 years. But thats an whole different post!
Simon Phoenix Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Bad idea which undermines the changes you've made. It makes them look like a stunt, a hustle, a game. If she discovers on her own, it'll have way more of an impact than you doing this "look at me, look at me" thing you want to do. And if she doesn't discover, someone else will enjoy the new and improved you. 2
aloneinaz Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I agree with Simon. Keep working on you and stop living in the past. You've made mistakes. Learn from them so they don't get repeated. I agree with the OP, she probably is with a rebound currently though it shouldn't matter. Don't sit around and wait for her. I'd stay no contact and keep your eye open for your next relationship. If it's meant to be with this woman, you'll get another opportunity.
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