littlemislucky100 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Please can anyone help shed any light onto why someone behaves like this because I've been left feeling confused and upset. He works away overseas a lot and so do I, so it can be hard to be in the same place at the same time. We met online, and spent the first few weeks getting to know each other over messages. He asked a lot of questions about what I wanted, he was interested a lot in whether I would have a problem with him being away a lot. He said he wanted a relationship. He seemed totally on the level. We progressed slowly to talking on the phone and then Facetiming each other. He was pretty cute and seemed smitten. I got a "good morning" message every single day and calls whenever we could. He facetimed me with his friends in the room to say "hi". He added me on Facebook and inter-acted openly. He was cute, was excited, proud of me and just seemed totally into it. He grew on me more slowly....but the two months we were overseas I did start to really like him and became attached. then it was very weird because we finally both came home and I was all excited about meeting up but he seemed to be avoiding it. One minute he was all desperate to see me, the next minute he was busy and had to reschedule. In the end I decided the guy was a loon and blew him off. A week later he writes to me to apologise. He asks for a fresh start, so I give him one, but I am away again by this point. So we message for two more weeks and this time we are even closer...very intimate conversations about hopes, dreams, lives. He says he can;t wait to see me. then I get back and AGAIN he is evasive. So I call him up and basically say "come see me tonight, or forget it". So he does...he comes there and then that night...clearly totally nervous and we spend the most amazing night, cuddling hugging, kissing like crazy and he's holding my hand and doesn't want to leave (no sex, he didnt even try) and he gets home that night and messages me how amazing it was. And the same the next day..he can't stop thinking about me, blah, blah, blah. Then boom...back to evasive, making excuses and now here we are two weeks after that first amazing meet up and i have not seen him. I ask him directly what the problem is and he says he likes me very much, but has lost the ability to show it. He says his last LTR she cheated on im because he was away and he finds it hard to get close to someone. And I say it;s ok...lets just spend some time together and he says he would love that. Then he sends me a message today to say he's going away again tomorrow. so we are coming on for four months and I have seen this guy ONCE and now he is going away and not going to even make an effort to see me. It's so weird. Yet if I tell him I'm walking away, he asks me to come back. In fact he really misses me, but it's like he only wants a text relationship. And I can say now when we were together...the physical side was HOT. Like red hot (no sex but the kissing and touching was for hours) Can anyone give me any insight into this? I have crossed off all the obvious answers. Married...nope. After sex...nope. Seeing someone else....possibly...but if he WAS...surely there would be evidence on FB? I am just totally lost here. If he liked me, would he not just go on a date with me? It's always "next week"
pteromom Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Reading everything you wrote, I get the feeling he has another relationship already. There wouldn't necessarily be evidence on Facebook. Some people are really weird about having relationships on FB, or may have multiple profiles. Don't be so quick to say "Married - nope" either. That's possible.
pteromom Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 If he liked me, would he not just go on a date with me? It's always "next week" It doesn't necessarily have to do with whether he likes you - but there is SOME reason he isn't available to date you, or something holding him back. That's enough reason to just back off. He knows where to find you if he is interested and available. 2
neowulf Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Seems like classic commitment phobic behaviour to me. They desire closeness. The second it becomes real, the anxiety spikes and they run away again. Then, once they calm down, they crave the connection again.. so they come back. What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety? | World of Psychology 1
Author littlemislucky100 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Just as an update on this, it turned out Neowulf you were 100% right. He did eventually show up asking forgiveness / for a chance and explained he has serious commitment issues and actually hasn't committed to a woman for years because of it.
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Despite him saying it is all commitment-phobic behaviour that doesn't mean he is not married or in a relationship. He may simply be lying to you, people do. Something is definitely off here and this hot/cold weird behaviour is not good for you and you are now confused and upset. Even if he is purely a commitment-phobe, maybe if you lived close by and could get close physically and emotionally you could have a chance to turn the commitphobe into bf material, but this long distance stuff means it will be one step forwards and three steps back. Get rid of him, no good will come of this. Let someone else sort him out. Move on is my advice.
neowulf Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Just as an update on this, it turned out Neowulf you were 100% right. He did eventually show up asking forgiveness / for a chance and explained he has serious commitment issues and actually hasn't committed to a woman for years because of it. Sadly, understand that if he has deeply ingrained commitment issues, it will be very difficult to pursue a relationship with him. Don't make the mistake of thinking that some how you'll be he one to help him past it. He has to be the one to do the work. If he's willing to get counselling to help him deal, then at least you know he's not all talk and actually trying to remove the barriers between you. Good luck.
preraph Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I don't see a relationship there. I see someone who failed to let you know it was over. He's moved on. You should too.
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