Csmith224422 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 It's been awhile since I posted. The pain that I had has gotten much much better, but two years later and I still feel the effects of what happened. It upsets me that this pain still exists after so long. Background My ex cheated on me. She lied to me about being in a relationship when I met her and was seeing both of us at the same time. She had been with the other guy for 2+ years before meeting me. She then broke up with the other guy and saw me for a few months. The other guy promised to change - he had commitment issues. She then she sees both of us again for two months and then breaks up with me . .. but still kept talking to me. The whole time she was telling me that she wanted to marry me and that i was the best thing to ever happen to her. I KNEW NOTHING about the cheating and lying until after we broke up. I found out the truth from the other guy. Now she's with him. They got engaged and now she lives with him. The other guy seems like a jerk and said something along the lines to me that "yeah she was in love with you, but me and have a history. Marriage and kids are important to her, and she knows that I'll never give that life to her" Update After two years, I feel much better. I no longer facebook stalk her or her ex. I occasionally google her to be honest. I've become very insecure since this happened and unable to connect with anyone new. I don't have much confidence in myself and don't really trust anyone. I don't have any feeling for her and don't want to be with her, but I feel so much anger toward her and the other guy. I want her to feel the same pain that i felt. She was so cruel to me even after I found, never apologizing just telling me to "deal with it" and "get over it". I just don't get why someone could be so cruel to someone they supposedly "loved"
erklat Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I know how you feel. However please stop stalking her. It takes so long because you are still stalking her. Regarding trust issues, yeah, you will adapt. You will rarely bring yourself in the same position to be hurt. Hang in there buddy, we where dumped around same time if it's of any consolation.
LooperDooper Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You say you stopped facebook stalking, but have you seriously and honestly taken them both out of your life? I mean, are you still getting updates on them, or talking to her? Because two years later is a lot and I'm not so sure how much work you've done on your part to remove them from your life. Obviously I can't comment on it because we don't know how your life is, but you need to do certain things for you and to change your lifestyle. I was once very very heartbroken and for a long time (more than a year) awhile back. My solution was change. That simple. I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't happy with my situation, my confidence was rock bottom, I was becoming depressed. So my solution was to move countries, start a new life and literally leave the past behind, literally. I'm not saying to go out and do the same because sometimes it's just not possible. But I think you haven't done anything radical since she left, and I think it's time you go out and change something about your life that will make you look at it as a new beginning. I think it will help to get rid of the anger and it will stop hurting because your routine might feel empty without her, so go out and change it or do what you can so you can start a "new" chapter in your life. Keep strong. Cheating always will hurt, but in the future it'll make you appreciate someone who truly isn't cold-hearted and it will make you less naive to the bad people out there. 2
Itspointless Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I feel so much anger toward her and the other guy. I want her to feel the same pain that i felt. She was so cruel to me even after I found, never apologizing just telling me to "deal with it" and "get over it". I just don't get why someone could be so cruel to someone they supposedly "loved" Sometimes people touch us to our core. If it is any consolation, I doubt they really are happy: they are to emotionally crippled. Please stop googling her. It is hard to stop, but better.
Author Csmith224422 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 I was once very very heartbroken and for a long time (more than a year) awhile back. My solution was change. That simple. I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't happy with my situation, my confidence was rock bottom, I was becoming depressed. So my solution was to move countries, start a new life and literally leave the past behind, literally. Honestly, I was thinking about the same thing. I mean I want to go to another country anyway and live there for an extended period of time, just because I had that experience before and really enjoyed the challenge. But part of me feels like doing what you said and what I'm also thinking about is just running away from the issues. I'd be interested to hear about where you went and your experiences.
LooperDooper Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Honestly, I was thinking about the same thing. I mean I want to go to another country anyway and live there for an extended period of time, just because I had that experience before and really enjoyed the challenge. But part of me feels like doing what you said and what I'm also thinking about is just running away from the issues. I'd be interested to hear about where you went and your experiences. Well my story might not be the same, but I had a bunch of events not going my way and I was just tired. I was arguing with my family to the point where I couldn't talk to them without getting into very heated arguments and I was just angry, stressed and irritated by everything. I had the flexibility to do what I did because I had just graduated, however I did not get accepted to the job I wanted nor did I get accepted to post-university education I wanted. Let's just say that, plus having the love of my life leave for somebody else and then come back for a fling but not wanting anything serious with me, I was shot down and a mess. I moved to another country after my aspiration to continue schooling became a reality in this country. It was my home country where I had lived as a young kid, but it was and has been an amazing experience ever since. I've been happy, got over my first love, doing what I've always aspired to do, and even fell in love and was hurting from somebody else (not nearly as much as the first love, but a break up is a break up). I'm not saying you should drop everything and leave, but you don't need to look at another country, maybe just a new job, a new city, a new school, a new town, a new place to live, etc. My situation was drastic because I was able to do it, but just change your pattern and your habit. It works very well, even if you may need to let go of some of the things like friends nearby, I think a new life experience and new challenge out of your comfort zone will help. At least for me it did wonders.
Author Csmith224422 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 What do I do when I think about her? I'm embarrassed that it has been so long and this still bothers me ad effects my confidence and well being. I'm filled with so much anger toward her.
Itspointless Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) What do I do when I think about her? I'm embarrassed that it has been so long and this still bothers me ad effects my confidence and well being. I'm filled with so much anger toward her. Well, you do not solve anything with shame. You have to embrace your anger, and give it a positive outlet. But bare in mind that underneath your anger lies hurt. Forget all the timeframes, this is about you, if it hurts it hurts, let people think what they want (f*ck them). Denying your hurt only makes it come back in the future in a much more poisonous way. Edited May 12, 2015 by Itspointless
Author Csmith224422 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 I'm trying, but I feel the anger consuming me.
Itspointless Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 I'm trying, but I feel the anger consuming me. It sounds silly, but when you feel your anger like that try screaming as hard as you can. For the neighbours try putting a towel between your teeth. Also you can try to kick or punch some things in the air until you are tired.
SycamoreCircle Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Unfortunately, there is a kind of lawlessness to love. Each person demonstrates their own idea of government. You got in with a pretty corrupt government. You have to forcefully make the decision to cut your losses and save what's left. It will take time to rebuild. I'm a little over a year. Like you, I had some faltering with social media. It never does you any good. Even when you see them burn to ashes, it does you no good. Best to decide once and for all to stop coming back to it. As far as relocating to another country---if you want to make a change in your life, go for it. Two months after my BU, I booked a flight to Turkey---spent a month there. Fantastic trip! Did it erase the trauma? No. But it gave me some new perspective and it added memories, memories that amass between her and me. And that's a good thing! Live your life the way you want. Don't be ruled by a fleeting romance. You are much more than what you offer any woman. Challenge yourself. Let go of her. Find new paths. Clear out old debris.
No Limit Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 What a drama quen! That other guy really had no idea what he was getting himself into when he proposed. Honestly, I pity him more than you because he's stuck. You're free, and it's actually quite good not to full-scale trust a stranger, even if dating life doesn't seem as carefree and safe as before the crazy chick.
aloneinaz Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 What do I do when I think about her? I'm embarrassed that it has been so long and this still bothers me ad effects my confidence and well being. I'm filled with so much anger toward her. Why are you stuck? I'll take a few stabs at it.. * You haven't gone full NC which includes BLOCKING them on everything. If you don't see them, have any contact with them or any updates on them, you heal.. * You appear to need therapy to help your low confidence/self esteem. * I'm guessing you've had no other woman in your life since her? So, where's you mind going to go when your lonely? Duh, to you ex. My opinion is to get some therapy. Work on you and your confidence so you can find a gal that will appreciate what you have to offer. We all take risks when dating and having a relationship. Cheating, dumping, hurting is all part of the risk. Like a bull fighter, when we've been screwed over, we need to get up, dust ourselves off and get back on another bull or do what you're doing which clearly isn't working..
Author Csmith224422 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 Hey so I tried therapy and did not fine it to be helpful. I am looking for another job in another country. I think change may help me with this issue and other issues. I've dated other girls and been with other girls since the breakup, but nothing even remotely close to being serious. I really don't feel like I can ever connect with anyone again. I have trust issues, but just with trusting them but with opening up. I've had deaths in the family when I was young, I shared those experiences with my ex and never shared them with anyone else. I have friends for over 15 years that still don't know about these experiences. I don't feel comfortable opening up to anyone to that level, since I tried it once and look what happened.
Itspointless Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 Hey so I tried therapy and did not fine it to be helpful. Well therapy is not a quick fix. But if you have the right therapist it can be very much what you have been looking for in the long run.
Author Csmith224422 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 I know, but it hasn't worked for me. I tried therapy for a long time.
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