ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I was looking for some opinions here. I have had a lot of people tell me that age gaps are more of a problem with couples who are in their 20s. Do you agree with this sentiment? If so, why your 20s as opposed to other age groups? I have had two major relationships, both with men 3-4 years younger. Both ended with painful breakups where I was on the receiving end. Both men said they wanted to be free to be single and have fun. With both of them I felt more like their mother, because I did their laundry and cooking while they played video games or partied and didn't put much of an effort into our relationship past the "honeymoon stage". I'm starting to wonder if it's best to date someone at least my age or older and, yes, I am in my late twenties. Thoughts?
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 It totally depends on your personality, interests, expectations, and your maturity level.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 There is a concrete reason for the age gap being more important in ones 20's. Our brains pre-frontal cortex does not fully mature until we are about 25 years old. Only at that point do we have the neural connections for judgement and impulse control. At that age our pre frontal cortex is finally connected directly to the areas of the neocortex which control emotions and executive function. That is the reason that many people wake up in their mid 20's an realize that many of their personal decisions weren't great ones. Many marriages made at 22 break up at 25-27 in part for that reason. The other reason is that when one is 20 a 10 year age gap represents that ones partner has lived 1.5 times as long as they have. At 40 a 10 year gap means your 50 year old partner has lived 1.25 times as long as you have. Relationships at any age with any combination of ages are work and a challenge. It is never ever easy. 2
cessna Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 An age gap is only an issue if you make it an issue. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 The older you get the less age is an issue. The life experience difference between at 10 year old & a 20 year old is astronomical. The difference between a 35 year old and a 45 year old is practically non existent. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I have met young men who have more maturity than 50 year olds.....maturity is the important consideration...and i have had quite a few younger men ask me out.....but...in that ....their interests have been sex......i havent ever really been interested in just sex so i am not a match for young men who want that....and i am straight up with what i dotn want....so they can look elsewhere......i dont judge by age though...i do differentiate men from boys...and men in their twenties on the average tend to be looking for something different to what i am ....i have in the past met 40 year old boys pretending to be men........its rather sad actually... i dont judge by age....all in all ...neither do the women in my family....but we all do prefer men to boys.......deb
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 With both of them I felt more like their mother, because I did their laundry and cooking while they played video games or partied and didn't put much of an effort into our relationship past the "honeymoon stage". It's also that you felt like their mother because you took on the role of, were acting like, their mother...and without asking them to start growing up, improve their dating skills, raise up their own psycho-emotional awareness and capacities, start acting like romantic partners, etc. Perhaps it was because they were early-twenties, but likely also because you did not make your own needs, expectations, desires clear to them? No matter the age, we still do have to do that...and the role(s) we take on is one way (are the ways) that we communicate what we like, will tolerate, etc. Wishing you happy, fulfilling relationships in the future! 1
preraph Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Most people in their 20s aren't ready to just commit to one person and get serious about making a family and all that, but of course there are exceptions. A lot of mistakes are made in the teens and 20s by trying to play house too soon. I don't think a 3-4 year age gap is the real issue, but waiting to find a man when he's 30+ might work out smoother as far as a keeper. Meanwhile, take birth control and have fun seeing what's out there and exploring. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, age gap is an issues when you are in your LATE 20s and you are looking to settle down. The fact that you are willing to date "boys" in their early 20s and in the process become a mother to them says a lot about you. How about instead of being a doormat you date a a more mature guy who has his **** together and doesn't play video games? If you settle for boys, then you are only going to get boys.
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 ^^^Well, that was a little harsh. I never said they were like that in the beginning of the relationship. I think over time they got comfortable and took my efforts for granted a little, for if I had never done the housework, it never would have been done. To the person above who asked if I had made my expectations in the relationship clear: definitely. I'm always nothing if not clear with expressing how I feel to a partner. They both would just brush it off as "nagging". Not sure if it's something about me that attracts this type, but each time one of these relationships have ended, my friends and family have always told me to date someone a little older the next time around, even citing the old "men don't mature as quickly as women" excuse. That's why I made this thread, to see if you all think there's any truth to that old saying, and the 20s age gap thing.
PinkCarnations Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm on the same boat. I'm a 26 year old female dating a 23 year old male. I already know it won't last.. He hasn't dated enough people yet.. I'm only his second girlfriend.. And the second person he's ever slept with as well.. there's no way I could see him proposing to me. I think we're breaking up really soon, but I'm waiting until next month when he comes back from deployment to do that. Sigh... If he was older and ready to settle down, things would be so good.. :/ 1
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 I'm on the same boat. I'm a 26 year old female dating a 23 year old male. I already know I won't last.. He hasn't dated enough people so there's no way I could see him proposing to me. I think we're breaking up really soon, but I'm waiting until next month when he comes back from deployment to do that. Sigh... If he was older and ready to settle down, things would be so good.. :/ My ex is a soldier. There's a lot of peer pressure from his buddies to be single and free to do whatever. Once his last married friend PCSed out of here I knew we were doomed. He was also married once before, but his ex wife cheated on him. When we first started dating, a few months in he was talking married before I ever did. Later on, after a drunken summer with his buddies, he started to pull away. Spending entire nights away while getting drunk and doing stupid things. It was really hard. He hasn't been deployed yet. I am wondering if that will change him at all.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 ^^^Well, that was a little harsh. I never said they were like that in the beginning of the relationship. I think over time they got comfortable and took my efforts for granted a little, for if I had never done the housework, it never would have been done. To the person above who asked if I had made my expectations in the relationship clear: definitely. I'm always nothing if not clear with expressing how I feel to a partner. They both would just brush it off as "nagging". Not sure if it's something about me that attracts this type, but each time one of these relationships have ended, my friends and family have always told me to date someone a little older the next time around, even citing the old "men don't mature as quickly as women" excuse. That's why I made this thread, to see if you all think there's any truth to that old saying, and the 20s age gap thing. I was only telling the truth. I always dated men older than me and every year as I get older, my age range goes Up. Women look for a provider because unlike men we have a biological clock that involves having children by the time we are in our thirties. This is why you have to date men who share similar values and beliefs and is also ready to settle to down. Don't view me as a traditionalist but ask yourseld this- do you want to get married and settle down? Men in their twenties do not think about having children, the few that do are rare. Which is why you have to date up. Men closer to your age range and up are more likely to consider marriage because they already pursued their goals and are looking for a partner. You already repeated the pattern of dating young guys twice. Remember the saying- "The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" You get the drift.
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 I was only telling the truth. I always dated men older than me and every year as I get older, my age range goes Up. Women look for a provider because unlike men we have a biological clock that involves having children by the time we are in our thirties. This is why you have to date men who share similar values and beliefs and is also ready to settle to down. Don't view me as a traditionalist but ask yourseld this- do you want to get married and settle down? Men in their twenties do not think about having children, the few that do are rare. Which is why you have to date up. Men closer to your age range and up are more likely to consider marriage because they already pursued their goals and are looking for a partner. You already repeated the pattern of dating young guys twice. Remember the saying- "The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" You get the drift. It happened twice and I have learned my lesson from it. It's not like I was doing it over and over, and like I said I got a different impression from them in the begging, especially the second boyfriend because he had a more responsible job and at first was more financially secure than the first. Over time he became more lazy despite my pleas for him to help out, and he became more and more financially unstable as well. Yes, I do want to get married. My recent ex had brought up marriage first, but over time when he went back to his partying he wanted that less and less, hence why we broke up. We wanted different things. I'm definitely going to be more careful in choosing someone in the future, but I don't think two boyfriends doing the same things necessarily makes me crazy. Perhaps I was naive and I thought that, despite him being younger, he would be better than the first because he had a little more life experience than the first.
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