angiefromcal Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Hi everyone! This is my first post, though I've come here a lot whenever I've been dealing with relationship questions, and have found a lot of great advice. But nothing I can find quite fits with my current situation! Some background: A friend of mine and I have been growing gradually closer over the last few months, to the point where we were on the brink of something happening... until last Thursday. Our connection is amazing: we truly make each other so happy by being a part of each other's lives, are definitely attracted to each other, all of that. It's the kind of relationship where you know that if we were to take it further, we would just be obscenely good and happy together - "soul mates" in every way. But there are some complications. First of all, there is a substantial age gap (he's 30 years older). And also, both of us are married. I, however, am in the process of a divorce, ending a marriage that has been dead for years. Also, I didn't know it before Thursday, but it turns out that he's not particularly happy in his marriage, either. Not surprising, I suppose, since he's developed these feelings for me. But regardless, after giving it a lot of thought (apparently, and I believe him), he's decided that he can't take our relationship any further. I am 100% certain that he will come to regret this decision one day, but for now I have no other route but to accept his choice and try to let the idea of us being together go. I'm not "in love", so it could be worse, but it still stings as I know how happy we would be together (as does he, drat him), and that we're both unhappy now. By the time he left after our talk, he had shifted from "I'm sorry, I just can't" to "I'm going to keep thinking", but I think it's more to do with understanding his decision than having real doubts about it (yet!). Thursday was the first time I had ever talked to him about what I think of our relationship and where it could go, though, or told him that my marriage is ending, so I suppose it's possible that he's planning to re-examine his decision now that he has this new info... but I'm not getting my hopes up. The thing is, I truly love this man very much, and I would love it if we could be a part of each other's lives, even if he persists in being an idiot and it's just as best friends. I'm getting better at letting go of the idea of something more every day, and it won't be long now until I'm ready to set that aside and be happy with our relationship as it is. I've not contacted him since Thursday, as I want to give him the space he needs to think (and to miss me, with any luck!), and ideally I'd let that go on as long as he needs, he'd contact me when he's ready, and we could forge whatever future relationship we're to have from there. But I'm quite certain that he thinks he's hurt me terribly and that I won't want to hear from him, let alone be friends, and so even once he's done thinking he won't contact me, but will wait until I contact him.I'm considering sending a "Just checking in to see how you're doing" email later next week, if I don't hear from him first (so that'd be 2 weeks after The Talk), so that he can be reassured that I'm not wishing dragons down on his head and it's safe to ask to see me again when he's ready. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this plan (and on the rest of it, too)! Thanks! A
Ruby65 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 30 year age gap.... and you're both married? Really? Do you even need to ask if this is a good idea? It's an insult to your respective spouses and families to even consider "best friends" when you're both married to other people. I don't know where any of this is okay. 3
Latino4Lyfe Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 30 year age gap.... and you're both married? Really? Do you even need to ask if this is a good idea? It's an insult to your respective spouses and families to even consider "best friends" when you're both married to other people. I don't know where any of this is okay. Yeah, I'm with Ruby on this one. The second I read the 30 year gap, I already knew it would be bad . Angie, like many of us will most likely advise, it would be best if you just suppress those feelings you have for this man, and let him be. You will feel a lot better in the long run. 2
Satu Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Welcome to LS. Get through your divorce and find someone single. Other people's men are other people's men. 1
GoBlue Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 See Ruby65 and her answer - I concur 100%. My response before I read hers was going to be two phrases: "He's married" and "He's 30 years older than I am." Not sure how this would work or how it would be a good thing... 1
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