Milwaukeeguy Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I dated this girl for 2 years and friends for 3. Our relationship was good until 4 months ago when she wanted a ring. I hesitated. She broke up with me but we continued to hang out for 3 more months. During these 3 months she still wanted a ring and I was giving it serious thought. I did not voice this, though, and our actions toward each other grew more distant. She ended up not feeling secure with me ever being long term and she told me after month 3 that she is seeing someone else. I told her that night that I wanted to commit and she said she was confused about the whole thing. For the next two weeks I reached out three more time telling her everything I thought she wanted to hear about loving her and her son and wanting to commit. Each time pushed her farther away until she said we grew apart and wants to be friends but who knows what the future holds. I miss her son and her. With the timeframe I stated, what are the odds it is a rebound relationship? Also, I know she ended it bc I wouldn't commit and made her feel not loved in the process. For three weeks I tried to tell her otherwise, until finally going no contact 4 days ago. could it be that, at first, she doubted my sincerity when I said I would commit and then as the weeks progressed she saw me as needy and a security blanket to now take time to see how this new relationship develops? I like to think that a breakup due to commitment issues can be more easily rectified than other breakup reasons, so long as I'm serious about committing, which I am. Any opinions?
Ruby65 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Sorry, it sounds like you blew it. She already gave you a second chance and came back for three months.... but still no ring? If things don't work out with this other guy, it's possible she might contact you for another round. But if you're not willing to actually go out and buy a ring and propose and go through with a wedding, the chance of this ever working out is zero. I wouldn't say chances of reconciling are better because it's commitment issues that caused the breakup.... your failure to commit could've caused her to lose feelings for you after so many years. She just might've fallen out of love, in which case I wouldn't say there's much chance at all. How old are you guys? 1
dumbass2 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You told her you would finally commit only after she told you that she had started seeing someone. Your actions tell her that you really aren't willing to commit. You only seemed to do it because of the threat of someone else now in the picture. If you made her not feel loved, that takes some work over a period of time to show. You can't just tell people these things. Actions speak louder than words and right now there is not much you can do. You probably need to back off right now if she is with someone else and let her do her thing and you yours. Take some time away and see if you really feel the same about her and really can honestly tell yourself that you're ready for a marriage commitment. I'm not sure right now you can honestly do that. Too many emotions right now. 5
Satu Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Now that she's with somebody else, the chances of a reconciliation are close to zero. The decisive moment came and went. Please note: It's usually people who have just thrown away their last chance, who ask for 'one last chance.' Try to learn from this experience. 2
Author Milwaukeeguy Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 We are in our upper twenties. I know that it just has to look to her, and everyone, that I said I would propose bc she left. But I had been giving it serious thought for those 3 months. I guess I am hoping this is a rebound and no contact makes her miss me and want to see if I actually did change. My emotions are still high but down enough to be sure that I want to commit. And I got along great with her son. She broke up with me for not committing and then became confused when I said I would commit and then the harder I pushed the more she left so I am hoping some space brings her back.
Ruby65 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Sorry, but the fact that you allowed her SON to become so attached to you -- but then refused to commit? From a mom's perspective, that's pretty unforgivable. 1
Author Milwaukeeguy Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Her son is a toddler who won't remember me. But I had been trying to convince her I would commit. just a few weeks ago she I finally told her I would commit, she said she was confused and didn't know, but the more I tried, the more she turned me down. Guess I just have to move on.
Ruby65 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Moving on is your best bet. And in the future, don't refuse to commit to someone if you want them to stay with you! Especially with kids involved -- so not cool.
Hawaii51 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You dodged a bullet. She's not in love with you or anyone, she's in love with the idea of the ring. Edit: Preecccccciooouss! 1
preraph Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 She knows you only changed your mind to try to keep her from being with another guy. We're not stupid. You aren't ready to commit, so why should she believe you are. You've made it clear. You just don't want her to find another guy. 2
No Limit Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 She knows you only changed your mind to try to keep her from being with another guy. We're not stupid. You aren't ready to commit, so why should she believe you are. You've made it clear. You just don't want her to find another guy. This. Don't commit just because your ego can't handle it, although committing is now out of the question because she has moved on. On a sidenote I'd still like to say that I consider pushing/demanding marriage is something I'd personally consider a red flag. Topics like this should be approached carefully, like "What do you think about marriage...?", not "If you won't get me a ring by the next weekend I'm outta here".
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) On a sidenote I'd still like to say that I consider pushing/demanding marriage is something I'd personally consider a red flag. Topics like this should be approached carefully, like "What do you think about marriage...?", not "If you won't get me a ring by the next weekend I'm outta here". Totally disagree. Why shouldn't a single mom in her upper 20's start pushing for marriage after two years with someone? OP had no intention of marrying her -- only as a last resort after she left him. She rightly sensed this and reacted accordingly. I don't blame her for giving ultimatums and walking away. Edited May 12, 2015 by Ruby65
No Limit Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Totally disagree. Why shouldn't a single mom in her upper 20's start pushing for marriage after two years with someone? OP had no intention of marrying her -- only as a last resort after she left him. She rightly sensed this and reacted accordingly. I don't blame her for giving ultimatums and walking away. Depends on how much time you require. I'd never dream of committing to someone before the 4 - 5 year mark, then again, OP and that woman were on completely different tracks - he's secure by himself, carefree and safe; she's a single mother closer to her 30's than her 20's and needs someone to help with future payments (particularly college fees when the child grows up could become a problem) so she needs the ring as quickly as possible. And exactly because these two people weren't on the same track it's best that they finally split instead of wasting more years.
Ruby65 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 My understanding was OP and his ex were near the same age -- late 20's. Single mothers aren't DEPENDENT just because they're single mothers. However, when you have a child, you do care more about providing stability. You don't want your child growing attached to some guy, only to have him up and leave 4 years later. You don't want your child to grow up watching a revolving door of guys coming in and out of your life. So yeah -- having a kid in the mix means you won't want to waste years of your life on some guy who won't commit. Frankly, lots of women start to feel that way as they approach 30, with or without a child!
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