flowergirl Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Hey, LoveShackers, I have drama, as usual. This thread is an elaboration of another thread entitled "My boyfriend's family". Anyway, on with the crazy story. Last November, I had just gotten back together with this guy I have known for 8-9 years. We dated for about a year in 1996, then broke up because I had another guy in my house (even though I never did anything with the other guy). Well, we kept in contact over the years, and decided to try again last fall. Here's where the story gets dramatic. Things were going ok for a little while, but then started going downhill because my boyfriend started getting busy, saying work and family is keeping him from having a relationship, as he has to take care of his younger sister because she has back problems, is moving and is by herself, awaiting her husband's arrival from their home country of Guyana. Now, this alone is understandable, however the part I'm having a lot of trouble with is that our relationship is a secret, therefore, he can only talk to me occassionaly, and sneak in visits for a couple hours a week. In the past, he said he was reluctant to introduce me to his father ( In 1996, I met one of his sisters, a cousin and a brother) because of the whole cheating thing, even though he swears he doesn't hold it against me. If I try to bring this up, he blames everything on his hectic schedule, and says he realizes it's not fair to me, so if I want to move on, or put the relationship on hold, then I should. He says by the end of the year, things should be back to normal, and then I can maybe meet the rest of his family. Now, I don't know if it's a cultural difference, religious (he's Muslim) or him being a garden-variety jerk, but this is getting on my nerves, and it's starting to feel like a case of wanting something I can't have. Help me, y'all.
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 If his family practices traditional Muslim etiquette then I think he would have had to introduce you to his family before dating you and he would be required to only see you with a chaperone until you were married. It doesn't appear that he is living in a traditional Muslim family since his sister is living alone while the husband isn't in the country. If they were, I believe she would be required to stay in the home with her parents until her husband arrived. As far as your problem, if he's incapable of having a relationship then he shouldn't be in a relationship. For me, it would be completely unacceptable if I were kept a secret. The prostitute that you visit for your weekly BJ is a secret. The OW that you're seeing on the side that your wife doesn't know about is a secret. Your girlfriend, the only person you're in a relationship with shouldn't be a secret. I don't think it would be unfair of you to expect your identity be known and not be forced to sneak around like you're doing something wrong. I'm assuming he's an adult and is allowed to make his own decisions. If his parents know about your alleged infidelity and he has decided to date you again then he needs to inform his parents that this is his decision and they need to respect that. If he doesn't want to deal with that, then that would tell me the relationship isn't really all that important to him.
Author flowergirl Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 Well, I don't know if his family practices traditional Muslim etiquette or not. I'm not even sure if his religion is relevant in this, I just put that in my post to provide some background on him. He never used that as an excuse. Anyway, his sister lives with a relative (another sister), and she doesn't have transportation, so, since he drives, he's the only one who can help her right now, until her husband comes from Guyana. He says that when things calm down some, then I will get to meet his dad. My main fear is that her husband will never show up, he's already been married to this woman for a few years, and they have a damn kid who's nearly five years old, for goodness sakes!!) and that what's only supposed to be a few months of him getting things in place with his family willl turn into never. I would be fine with waiting for a few months, but I hate, really hate wondering if this is all BS as if I can't believe him. I don't actually think he's intentionally BS'ing me, or trying to hurt me and he does do little things to let me know he cares, I just hate feeling that he doiesn't have it in him to care. Luckily, I have a fairly healthy social life, and if he ever does come around, maybe I'll be there, maybe not. Damn boys, they're always cooler in the movies!!!
Pocky Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 I don't understand the "wait until my BIL returns before you meet my dad" reason. What does one have to do with the other? Why can't he introduce you to his father now? I truly don't see the correlation. It's his sister - he could invite the whole family for dinner and introduce you to everyone at the same time. In all honesty it appears that this really isn't that big of an issue for you since you seem reluctant to do anything about it. It seems to me you're more afraid of his response if you push the issue than you are irritated that you're being kept a secret. If you don't want to push the issue then don't. If you want things to change then stick up for what you want and expect to be treated the way you want to be treated. People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. By allowing this to continue you find it acceptable. If it acceptable, then you have no problems at the moment. Good luck.
Author flowergirl Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 Pocky: Yeah, I think I'm a little scared. I've brought it up before, but he always says it's his schedule. I should clarify that right now, we're not dating, because I told him I was tired of this, I just don't know if I should consider him in the future. Right now, I'm living my life, so maybe during that time, I will find someone who doesn't want to use my heart and feelings as a hockey puck.
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